To be upset that ds said this about Christmas?

[coffeerevelsrock]

He's 14 and has made a few comments recently about not liking Christmas. He's quite unusual for his age, not really a typical teen and loves history, cricket and politics. Not into expensive stuff so quite hard to buy for. He has an iphone 7 and insists he doesn't want an upgrade. He did ask for a gaming laptop a couple of years ago and is still very happy with it. Other than that all he's ever asked for is books though I get him some other thoughtful bits too that he's usually very pleased with. I'm aware that getting him loads of stuff he doesn't want would make him feel anxious and guilty so I don't do it.

His dad and I divorced 7 years ago and for the first 3 years ex came to our house for lunch on Christmas day. Since then they've stayed at dad's until the 23rd, seen him for a few hours on Christmas afternoon (except last year when he said he wouldn't be there) and then gone with ex to visit wider family 26th- 29thish. The rest of the Christmas holiday they're with me. Every year I ask what they want to do and they always say them same as usual.

We have our routines like most families, though from what I can see ex has never created any there. We get a real tree each year and dc help decorate - or do most of it now. We do a beige - everything - in breadcrumbs- lunch on the 24th, a walk late afternoon and back to Christmas eve bags from the elves, smashing up the gingerbread house for Christmas Eve pudding, always watch nativity and Father Christmas film after tea on Christmas Eve, stockings, multipack cereal for breakfast...just low key stuff but even at their ages (12 and 14) they insist on it all.

Now he keeps saying he doesn't like Christmas and that he won't ever spend it with me or his dad when he's an adult. He also said he thinks his dad's family do it well - they don't make a massive deal, don't decorate or wrap gifts, nothing traditional really. Extremely low-key. I just feel so hurt. I know he's young so it's not a pressing matter but I feel like everything I've tried to do has been thrown back at me. I have honestly tried to make it stress-free and accommodated their adulterous dad for 3 years. I honestly haven't tried to put pressure on but I feel instead of having happy memories he thinks it's all a pile of shit. He has pointed out I don't see my parents at Christmas ( we see them at new year) but my dad is an alcoholic (my kids don't know this as he manages to stay dry for the 3 days or so per year we see them) and my relationship is quite strained. They live 3 hours away too. I feel like my crap family has come back to haunt me despite it not really being my fault. I have mainly just laughed his comments off but I don't find it funny at all really.

AIBU to feel hurt by this?

[Newpuppymummy]

Your Christmas sounds lovely. I think teens are just a bit brutal with their words sometimes. My DD 16 was moaning last year she hated Christmas but I think it was mainly for effect. She knows I love it. And if I stopped all the little traditions that make it special I think she would be the first to complain . Possibly the case with your son too.

[Brollywasntneededafterall]

Ime (vast) of teens they can be selfish, thoughtless gits at times... And throw the most well meaning stuff right back in your face...
Why not tell him he is 'hosting' this year and he can produce the Xmas of his dreams for you...?

[coffeerevelsrock]

And I think one element that's really upset me is him saying ex's family do it best. They are the least Christmassy people ever and give very little in the way of gifts - not that it's all about money obviously, but if I was like them the dc would have no Christmas traditions and very few gifts. One year, ds2 rang me from beneath a restaurant table on Boxing Day because they were making him hand over the money (£40) they'd given him earlier that day as they had decided it should go to ex who had got a far larger gift for ds2 than normal (Iong story - I had threads about it at the time) and felt he should contribute to it! So it hurts when ds is then saying they do a great Christmas!

I need to separate these things out in my head though.

[x2boys]

I have a 14 year old son too, i think its just the age, there is not the excitement of Santa etc anymore my sons birthday is on Boxing day which doesn't help🙄
I remember finding it all a bit boring at that age too.

[scooterbear]

Last year my two teens had to be nagged to take part in all the bits of Christmas that were 'our' traditions that they've always loved. And on Christmas Day they didn't get up til 11 so I was twiddling my thumbs on my own. It sucked tbh and I was pissed off. We recently discussed Christmas and what they might want to do this year given that they hadn't enjoyed much last year. They were aghast when I suggested ditching some of the traditions . Lesson was that some teens are selfish beasts. And they will say things they think make them sound worldly and cool (that can actually be quite hurtful) but underneath they are still Little kids in lots of ways and they like what they know. I would discuss it with him and form a plan together. But make sure any bits that you really like are staying so there is a bit of compromise.

[TheKeatingFive]

And I think one element that's really upset me is him saying ex's family do it best.

He knows how to push your buttons. Ignore.

[maxelly]

@Thecurtainsofdestiny

Like pp I also think it's not personal. At this age teenagers start trying to define themselves as different from their parents; this is likely part of that. It doesn't mean he didn't enjoy all you did before. And later he might change his mind again!

Yes, this! It's sad but also part of growing up where they want to start asserting their independence and adulthood, and the first steps to that can be rejecting childhood traditions etc - with mine the thing about our Christmas routine suddenly being 'uncool' (cf also birthdays, holidays, end of terms celebrations, all the things I cherished really ) came when they got their first proper boy/girlfriends and started going on about how however their families did whatever the thing was was clearly the only acceptable way, in quite an annoying fashion. Sounds like your lad may have hit the same phase, just a little early? I tried not to take it personally, didn't force them to join in, but pretty much cracked on and interestingly once they hit young adulthood mainly they reverted entirely to wanting to rigidly recreate the things they'd enjoyed as kids (ironically, in some cases in opposition to their partners wishes and traditions!) so there you go, it's probably not permanent or a 'real' rejection of your family OP so I'd try and grin and bear it as a teenage phase

[Classica]

@ShrinkingViolet9

"We get a real tree each year and dc help decorate - or do most of it now. We do a beige - everything - in breadcrumbs- lunch on the 24th, a walk late afternoon and back to Christmas eve bags from the elves, smashing up the gingerbread house for Christmas Eve pudding, always watch nativity and Father Christmas film after tea on Christmas Eve, stockings, multipack cereal for breakfast...just low key stuff but even at their ages (12 and 14) they insist on it all."

Sounds exhausting.

Sounds very chilled. Does going for a walk and eating cereal normally exhaust you?

OP, I think he's just being a teen. I had a period at the same age where I couldn't be bothered with Christmas. He might just want to indulge in a bit of drama by telling you he'll never spend Christmas with you as an adult.

[caketiger]

Your DS sounds really sensible and lovely. I'm wondering if he's picking up on all the unspoken pressures of Christmas. He's obviously money aware and moving around between groups of family can be tiring.

You could try and establish your own more low key routines of Christmas with your DC's input?

[Hbh17]

He sounds brilliant. I would have agreed with him at 14, & I agree with him now at 50+. It all sounds like such a lot of fuss. People don't all like the same things and he is old enough to know his own mind, so well done to him for his honesty.

[Classica]

You're his constant so he's going to think things that the other side of the family, that he sees on high days and holidays, do things better. That's just kids.

[achainisonlyasstrong]

He is immature! If you had made no effort at Xmas, he would definitely resent you more. Just ask him whether as a small child, he would have really appreciated not much in the way of gifts and no effort. And tell him you always tried your best. At 14, maybe just give him the Xmas he wants though.And make sure you have a nice day too! That story about child being asked to hand back £40 on Christmas day is horrible.

[ilovesooty]

@Hbh17

He sounds brilliant. I would have agreed with him at 14, & I agree with him now at 50+. It all sounds like such a lot of fuss. People don't all like the same things and he is old enough to know his own mind, so well done to him for his honesty.

I'm inclined to agree with that.

[TheKeatingFive]

Does going for a walk and eating cereal normally exhaust you

🤣

[HarrietsChariot]

YABU because you're assuming the 14yo him has the capacity to think and act as the adult him will. Your Chrismas sounds a little "forced" if that's the right word and he is playing along rather than enjoying them.

He probably will want a Christmas or two away from you when he gets older, but him in ten years will be a very different person to him now. Basically he is telling you he doesn't want to forever be 14 at Christmas.

Try not to take it to heart. Let him join in as much or as little as he likes.

I do think though you need to accept that your own strained relationship with your parents will rub off on your children. He's grown up seeing it as perfectly normal for adults not to see their parents and, while it's not necessarily your fault, it's certainly not his. (My mother never sees her brother, never talks about him or anything, yet is constantly telling me I should see my own brother more often. I don't know the reasons for her falling out with her sibling, but fucking hell I know the reasons I want nothing to do with my abusive brother.)

[coffeerevelsrock]

Well, I'm always pleased to see people saying my son is brilliant, and he is, generally. Not sure setting out to hurt someone's feelings is actually one of his more brilliant moments though!

I'm going to ask what he would like to do this year and won't make a fuss or a martyred face if he doesn't want to do the usual stuff.

[coffeerevelsrock]

I do think though you need to accept that your own strained relationship with your parents will rub off on your children. He's grown up seeing it as perfectly normal for adults not to see their parents and, while it's not necessarily your fault, it's certainly not his.

This fills me with despair. I have tried not to replicate the relationship I had with my parents but I'm doomed to have a crap relationship with my adult children because I have one with my own parents? And despite being quite a shoddy parent ex will have a better one because he's close to his? .

[DappledThings]

And I think one element that's really upset me is him saying ex's family do it best. They are the least Christmassy people ever and give very little in the way of gifts - not that it's all about money obviously, but if I was like them the dc would have no Christmas traditions and very few gifts
No traditions and very few gifts would have suited me down to the ground as a teen.and ever since really! Pretty much anything done just because that is the way Christmas has always been done, even if it's small and silly like always having the same cereal makes me cringe and as a teenager more so than ever.

DC are really young still and love decorating the tree and putting stuff out for Father Christmas but I'm assuming at some point they will start losing interest and that's OK!

[ShrinkingViolet9]

"Sounds very chilled. Does going for a walk and eating cereal normally exhaust you?"

I meant that it sounds exhausting for a 14 year old.

[Classica]

I think your kids are old enough now to know why you see your parents so infrequently. Tell them that their grandfather is an alcoholic and that you didn't have the easiest of childhoods. I would have appreciated the honesty at their age.

[WTF475878237NC]

Ah this is really sad. I'd be just as upset as you. I always loved Christmas apart from the first year after my parents split. My mum did her best, like you, and I always appreciated it.

[M0rT]

He didn't see his Dad last Christmas Day because his Dad said he wouldn't be there.
So now Christmas is unimportant and his Dad's family do everything better because he is insecure about his place in that family.
You are a constant and he is punishing you for that because he's hurt and he can.
There are plenty of adults who redirect their hurt and anger on those who will take it so it's hard to expect more from a 14yr old.
If your 12yr old still enjoys your Christmas routine keep it up and let your 14yr old dip in and out as he likes.
If he doesn't want to go for a walk or watch Christmas movies he doesn't have to, but be clear with him that ruining it for his sibling will not be tolerated.
Maybe in a few years you can change your Christmas Eve tradition to out for lunch and to sing Christmas Carols for charity or something more grown up.
I wouldn't worry about when he's an adult, you cant predict it.
I and my siblings all wholeheartedly embraced the social side of Christmas as teenagers. Barely wanted to eat Christmas Dinner with our parents and some years were so hungover we just sat at the table.
My DM is surprised now we are all adults how much effort we put into spending Christmas together. I think she'd like a break

[Incywinceyspider]

I think he's going with the view that christmas is mainstream and therefore doesn't fit with his "oddball" image. He might grow out of it. I suggest that you sit both of your sons down and ask them what they want to do this year. He has a sibling so can't dictate the whole of christmas. The teenage years tend to be when childhood traditions evolve into something new, so see what they want to do this year.

I'd also remind him that being an "oddball" doesn't give him the right to be rude, to you or anyone else.

[coffeerevelsrock]

I think ds2 would happily drop the walk tbh, but ds1 (the 14 year old in question) loves walking and I'm pretty confident that this is one tradition he definitely doesn't hate.

I don't think the traditions are forced - they have developed over time and kids have enforced them as much as I have, if not more. I actually dropped the gingerbread house a couple of years ago and when they realised it hadn't happened they were aghast so it was reinstated the following year.

And this same 14 year old was quizzing me on my favourite MCC song just a few weeks ago!