To be upset that ds said this about Christmas?

[coffeerevelsrock]

He's 14 and has made a few comments recently about not liking Christmas. He's quite unusual for his age, not really a typical teen and loves history, cricket and politics. Not into expensive stuff so quite hard to buy for. He has an iphone 7 and insists he doesn't want an upgrade. He did ask for a gaming laptop a couple of years ago and is still very happy with it. Other than that all he's ever asked for is books though I get him some other thoughtful bits too that he's usually very pleased with. I'm aware that getting him loads of stuff he doesn't want would make him feel anxious and guilty so I don't do it.

His dad and I divorced 7 years ago and for the first 3 years ex came to our house for lunch on Christmas day. Since then they've stayed at dad's until the 23rd, seen him for a few hours on Christmas afternoon (except last year when he said he wouldn't be there) and then gone with ex to visit wider family 26th- 29thish. The rest of the Christmas holiday they're with me. Every year I ask what they want to do and they always say them same as usual.

We have our routines like most families, though from what I can see ex has never created any there. We get a real tree each year and dc help decorate - or do most of it now. We do a beige - everything - in breadcrumbs- lunch on the 24th, a walk late afternoon and back to Christmas eve bags from the elves, smashing up the gingerbread house for Christmas Eve pudding, always watch nativity and Father Christmas film after tea on Christmas Eve, stockings, multipack cereal for breakfast...just low key stuff but even at their ages (12 and 14) they insist on it all.

Now he keeps saying he doesn't like Christmas and that he won't ever spend it with me or his dad when he's an adult. He also said he thinks his dad's family do it well - they don't make a massive deal, don't decorate or wrap gifts, nothing traditional really. Extremely low-key. I just feel so hurt. I know he's young so it's not a pressing matter but I feel like everything I've tried to do has been thrown back at me. I have honestly tried to make it stress-free and accommodated their adulterous dad for 3 years. I honestly haven't tried to put pressure on but I feel instead of having happy memories he thinks it's all a pile of shit. He has pointed out I don't see my parents at Christmas ( we see them at new year) but my dad is an alcoholic (my kids don't know this as he manages to stay dry for the 3 days or so per year we see them) and my relationship is quite strained. They live 3 hours away too. I feel like my crap family has come back to haunt me despite it not really being my fault. I have mainly just laughed his comments off but I don't find it funny at all really.

AIBU to feel hurt by this?

And the joke would probably be on you if you tried to pull this off - this sounds like heaven to my inner 14 year old.

That would have been perfect for me at 14. And would now really. Not sure why you think it would be some kind of revenge or punishment.

@DappledThings @InPraiseOfBacchus who said anything about revenge? Don’t be so dramatic 🙄

This is about giving DS what he wants, and as I said to a pp, if he wants to take part, he absolutely can.

@mountbattenbergcake

And the joke would probably be on you if you tried to pull this off - this sounds like heaven to my inner 14 year old.

That would have been perfect for me at 14. And would now really. Not sure why you think it would be some kind of revenge or punishment.

@DappledThings @InPraiseOfBacchus who said anything about revenge? Don’t be so dramatic 🙄

This is about giving DS what he wants, and as I said to a pp, if he wants to take part, he absolutely can.

Your tone suggested it was punishment. That if je only wants books he only gets books. The tone ai picked up was "and he can lump it, serves him right for complaining".

The other PP who also quoted you seems to have heard the same tone so apologies if it wasn't intended how we both heard it but it definitely sounded to me like giving him what he has said he wanted was some kind of attempted punishment.

At 13 he is old enough to be told he has been a bit unkind and hurt your feelings there.

Ah OP I think its just his age. I remember crying in my room myself on Christmas around his age because I thought it was so boring. We didn't really have any traditions, was literally presents in the morning, dinner late afternoon and then just the same routine as any other night. Dad would go up to his bed, mum would do the dishes and sit and have a few drinks, and my brother was much younger than me so couldn't really do anything with him. I was desperate to have the big family Christmas that everyone else seemed to have. I still kind of want that, but neither mine or dps family do it. My kids don't seem that bothered thankfully, but the oldest is 13 this year and he's not really fussed about Christmas at all anymore. It's sad, but I'm sure it will change as he gets older and looks back on all the little things you did together. He will appreciate it one day.

YANBU for feeling as you do, but neither is your son. Please don't invalidate his feelings just because he doesn't experience Christmas in the way that YOU want him to.

I'm sure he doesn't understand the impact of what he is saying. Entirely possible he is saying it to be 'different' and doesn't mean anything by it.

@ShrinkingViolet9

"We get a real tree each year and dc help decorate - or do most of it now. We do a beige - everything - in breadcrumbs- lunch on the 24th, a walk late afternoon and back to Christmas eve bags from the elves, smashing up the gingerbread house for Christmas Eve pudding, always watch nativity and Father Christmas film after tea on Christmas Eve, stockings, multipack cereal for breakfast...just low key stuff but even at their ages (12 and 14) they insist on it all."

Sounds exhausting.

Exhausting? Presumably the tree goes up a few weeks earlier so the day consists of eating a simple lunch, going for a walk, then back home to eat dessert and watch a film? Then the next day he has some small presents and cereal for breakfast. I thought I was quite lazy but if that's 'exhausting' I'm practically Mr Motivator! Minus the presents that's a normal (in fact a pretty quiet and laid back) Sunday for most people!

It sounds like you go out of your way to make a lovely Christmas. I would say a couple of your things, from my own memories of being 14:

• this was peak age for me not wanting to spend time with my (absolutely lovely) parents. Nothing I'd do with them was cool or fun (in my eyes). By the time I was 18 I couldn't wait to spend Christmas with them and generally have really enjoyed their company ever since. Essentially at 14 a lot of teens aren't massively into 'family time'.
• As a teen I would often say stupid stuff that was just me 'trying out' a persona or a POV. I often didn't mean it or think much about it. I remember saying that I would vote Tory to my left-leaning mother and she was horrified and was asking me why and I had no answer. I also affected an 'intellectual' world-weariness about a lot of things that I wanted to see as trivial. It was all perfectly normal and healthy exploration of who I wanted to be, but a lot of what I tried out was nonsense.

I wouldnt take him too seriously. He is a bit thoughtless though, as it would be perfectly apparent to my DS age 14 that dissing my attempts at a fun family Christmas might upset me . . . so that might be something to mention to him?

Teenagers are like this, don't take it personally. I was like this as a teen. Funny enough in my own house I don't do Christmas at all but secretly I bloody love Christmas at my parents house. Now we go to dps family every year and Im always a bit sad as I want to be at my parents as I much prefer their way of doing Christmas.

Exhausting? Presumably the tree goes up a few weeks earlier so the day consists of eating a simple lunch, going for a walk, then back home to eat dessert and watch a film? Then the next day he has some small presents and cereal for breakfast. I thought I was quite lazy but if that's 'exhausting' I'm practically Mr Motivator! Minus the presents that's a normal (in fact a pretty quiet and laid back) Sunday for most people!

Not exhausting physically, but in the sense that I would think quite a lot of 14 year lads would find a day structured day like this, doing things that they probably feel they are too old for (elf bags, Father Christmas films, cake smashing) to please mum would be exhausting. I've said this several times, already, and so have a number of others, but you evidently missed those posts.

Oh god if only I could take back some of the crap I said to my parents at the age of 14. Including things like Christmas is boring and X Y and Z do it better. Trust me, I run back every time I can as an adult! I have just spent 5k on a flight home for Christmas and I will endure a 36 hour journey just to get there in time for Xmas Eve!!

He's finding his place in the world, he's comparing himself to others, it's normal. Don't take it to heart, I get along so much better with my mum and dad now as an adult. 14 is a terrible age. I started getting better around 17.

@ShrinkingViolet9

"We get a real tree each year and dc help decorate - or do most of it now. We do a beige - everything - in breadcrumbs- lunch on the 24th, a walk late afternoon and back to Christmas eve bags from the elves, smashing up the gingerbread house for Christmas Eve pudding, always watch nativity and Father Christmas film after tea on Christmas Eve, stockings, multipack cereal for breakfast...just low key stuff but even at their ages (12 and 14) they insist on it all."

Sounds exhausting.

Exhausting? Really? Sounds like a perfectly normal, low key, family time. Nothing exhausting or extraordinary in this list at all.

Bizarre comment.

@Shallwegoforawalk exactly, just bizarre.

There are some extremely helpful and lovely comments on this post. Unfortunately, because of where it is there is always some who needs to stick a knife rather than a helpful comment. Would love to know the perfect recipe for a non exhausting, loving, family Christmas.

He is not "so young "anymore op
He is 14. 14yo start to dislike heaps of things.

He would probably feel its more for little kids. The decorating of the tree and the stocking and eating cereal.

Just let it go. The more you push it the more he will not want to do anything.

(Also I dont known why you entertained your adulterous ex for 3 years to play happy family 🤐)

I hated Christmas at that age too. After we had lunch I just had to sit and watch my parents and other family members get drunk. I would desperately want to go and meet my friends or go up to my room but I was always told no because it was a "family day" so I had to speak to my awful cousin instead.
I love Christmas now that me and my husband have created our own traditions

Also I dont known why you entertained your adulterous ex for 3 years to play happy family

I must clarify that we didn't 'play happy family.' We were apart and the children knew that obviously. I did it so the children could see him on the day as he took that length of time to sort out permanent housing that was suitable to host the children in. I have no regrets about doing it, it was the right thing at the time.

@ShrinkingViolet9

Exhausting? Presumably the tree goes up a few weeks earlier so the day consists of eating a simple lunch, going for a walk, then back home to eat dessert and watch a film? Then the next day he has some small presents and cereal for breakfast. I thought I was quite lazy but if that's 'exhausting' I'm practically Mr Motivator! Minus the presents that's a normal (in fact a pretty quiet and laid back) Sunday for most people!

Not exhausting physically, but in the sense that I would think quite a lot of 14 year lads would find a day structured day like this, doing things that they probably feel they are too old for (elf bags, Father Christmas films, cake smashing) to please mum would be exhausting. I've said this several times, already, and so have a number of others, but you evidently missed those posts.

I didn't miss them but just thought they weren't worth commenting on because you've completely made it up with no evidence at all. In fact you've completely ignored what OP has said to support your own narrative - there is nothing to suggest he is 'doing these things to please mum' - OP has said every year until now her son 'insisted' on doing all those things, i.e. he had the option to drop any one of them but specifically said he actively wanted to keep doing them.

Now he is saying he doesn't want to do Christmas the same way (fair enough) but OP hasn't said exactly why he doesn't want to - the possibility of it being 'exhausting' physically or emotionally hasn't even been hinted at. It could be because he thinks he's too grown up to watch Christmas films, that he'd like to spend more time with his friends, that he genuinely doesn't see the point of wrapping paper when he already knows what he's getting, that he's not consumer-driven, or just he's a grumpy teenager whose parents do everything wrong! Saying perhaps he finds what is specifically described as a low key, low energy day "exhausting" is as ridiculous as me saying 'Lots of his generation are really into saving the planet, perhaps he is worried about the environmental impact of wrapping paper and decorations?' sure it "could" be a reason but there is absolutely no evidence for it from what OP (who is the only person who actually knows the situation) has said.

Seriously how can things like 'eat cereal for breakfast,' and "watching a film" be described in any way, physically, or emotionally, as exhausting?

Yes, I have to say the day isn't highly structured and, while he obviously may be fed up of some of the traditions, he didn't show any signs of being so last year and even this year has already mentioned watching Muppets' CC and ranked the Nativity films. I don't think the films are the issue, though if he doesn't turn out to want them I won't enforce them. The majority of the 24th is spent doing whatever he wants and same on 25th really.

He's really not a typical teen - doesn't spend that much time with his friends, does like walks and outings, spends a lot of time chatting with me, has quite unusual interests... So I don't think it's general 'teenishness' as such, but he's maybe questioning a few things about our families and perhaps anticipating future conflict because of coming from a split family - he's quite thoughtful. I think he's not that bothered about 'stuff' and in the past he's felt pressured to feel grateful for stuff he didn't want and knew he wouldn't use/play with. However, I picked up on that a good few years ago and have since avoided buying for the sake of it.

I just need to have a chat to find out if there's a particular issue and be open to him not having to join in with everything, which I am anyway.

It sounds to me as though he’s not fed up with your Christmas so much as thinking through his future. When you’re a teenager there’s sometimes a time when you fear it’s going to be forever—caught between child and adult and want to be your own boss if you see what I mean! So he’s perhaps just saying he doesn’t want to do this when he’s 40, as in his head that’s what will happen (I know I thought this)! I agree with Past poster that for example saying how you might go to Lapland when they’ve left home would help them feel they don’t have to be there to look after you! I noticed my teens liked it when I did stuff for myself not for them and admitted as much eg I don’t fancy cooking Christmas Eve, getting fish and chips, fancy some? Rather than this is the tradition I’m creating for you! He sounds great, don’t dispense with your traditions just yet especially as he’s telling you in other ways he wants them! Eg talking about film choice!

Even the loveliest teenagers can be absolute little shits sometimes. You sound like a great mum but I would try not to let it bother you, as I imagine he's just pushing the boundaries with a person he feels safe with, so it probably won't be the last time.

Your Christmas traditions sound lovely and I would go ahead as normal, leaving him to join in or not as he wishes. I definitely got fed up with Christmas traditions as a teenager and am not firmly back in the camp of loving them.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas without too many teenage grumps.

Am NOW back in the camp of loving them, not 'not', argh

Sounds a lot like my teen, tbh… I describe her (privately) as a “Nanna”. She has vehemently eschewed all things childish since she was probably about eight years old. I suspect this is one of his ways of drawing a line in the sand - for YOU to see - to state that he is no longer a little kid and wants to be considered a “grownup.” If you want to continue these or some of these traditions for the sakes of the the other kids, maybe see if he would be interested in helping you organize them. I think that way he may feel the enjoyment you do but in a different way.

Is he kind to you the rest of the time? I feel like maybe somebody called him an oddball and he's kinda gone with it?
My.son declared he was a Hindu and wasn't eating meat, I asked if he actually knew what he meant (he did apparently).ok cool, I was a Buddhist/hippie when I was 15, I asked what he wanted for tea...burger, salad with fries lol, but we did have to say thank you for our meal which was actually really lovely.

Why did they make your son give up his xmas money gift?! I've just read all your replies. That's insane. How old is your younger son? I think you said 12? Carry on as normal, if your older son doesn't want to do it, that's fine. Like you said, he already picked the Xmas films. I honestly don't understand about the £40 though?!

@Kitkat151

I think lots of teenagers are like this with Christmas.... I wouldn’t worry about it.... how he feels now will have changed in a few years.... my 3 were all nightmares as teenagers.... wouldn’t even get out of bed to open presents.... said it was all boring boring..... fast forward a few years they all love it again.... that’s kids for you... fickle

Agree with this. He’s decided for now, “it’s uncool”. I don’t think your routine is exhausting at all . Enjoy your Christmas, let your child join in, or not….