To be upset that ds said this about Christmas?

[coffeerevelsrock]

He's 14 and has made a few comments recently about not liking Christmas. He's quite unusual for his age, not really a typical teen and loves history, cricket and politics. Not into expensive stuff so quite hard to buy for. He has an iphone 7 and insists he doesn't want an upgrade. He did ask for a gaming laptop a couple of years ago and is still very happy with it. Other than that all he's ever asked for is books though I get him some other thoughtful bits too that he's usually very pleased with. I'm aware that getting him loads of stuff he doesn't want would make him feel anxious and guilty so I don't do it.

His dad and I divorced 7 years ago and for the first 3 years ex came to our house for lunch on Christmas day. Since then they've stayed at dad's until the 23rd, seen him for a few hours on Christmas afternoon (except last year when he said he wouldn't be there) and then gone with ex to visit wider family 26th- 29thish. The rest of the Christmas holiday they're with me. Every year I ask what they want to do and they always say them same as usual.

We have our routines like most families, though from what I can see ex has never created any there. We get a real tree each year and dc help decorate - or do most of it now. We do a beige - everything - in breadcrumbs- lunch on the 24th, a walk late afternoon and back to Christmas eve bags from the elves, smashing up the gingerbread house for Christmas Eve pudding, always watch nativity and Father Christmas film after tea on Christmas Eve, stockings, multipack cereal for breakfast...just low key stuff but even at their ages (12 and 14) they insist on it all.

Now he keeps saying he doesn't like Christmas and that he won't ever spend it with me or his dad when he's an adult. He also said he thinks his dad's family do it well - they don't make a massive deal, don't decorate or wrap gifts, nothing traditional really. Extremely low-key. I just feel so hurt. I know he's young so it's not a pressing matter but I feel like everything I've tried to do has been thrown back at me. I have honestly tried to make it stress-free and accommodated their adulterous dad for 3 years. I honestly haven't tried to put pressure on but I feel instead of having happy memories he thinks it's all a pile of shit. He has pointed out I don't see my parents at Christmas ( we see them at new year) but my dad is an alcoholic (my kids don't know this as he manages to stay dry for the 3 days or so per year we see them) and my relationship is quite strained. They live 3 hours away too. I feel like my crap family has come back to haunt me despite it not really being my fault. I have mainly just laughed his comments off but I don't find it funny at all really.

AIBU to feel hurt by this?

[Tilltheend99]

Based on my nephew, this is a phase they seem to go through around that age. His parents are also not together so going back and fourth became a bit of a faff. He got over it.

It sounds from what you said that up until now he has enjoyed everything you do for him.

As he is into reading and politics maybe he thinks he is developing a highbrow theory on the purpose of Christmas as a celebration.

If he is going through a phase of wanting to seem grownup (ultimately I think that’s what this is) I think now would be a good time to be open and honest with him about your father’s drinking problem and the difficulties of your own upbringing.

Often children don’t see their parents as ‘people’ until they are older and have a wider view of the things that made their own parents who they are.

[bunnybopbop]

I think Christmas in your household sounds nothing short of lovely. It sounds like a lovely warm atmosphere with your little family traditions and you put a hell of a lot more effort than some others do. (Having ex husband over for Christmas, not many would be able to do that.)

He's probably just being a stroppy teenager. I wouldn't take it to heart.
If he doesn't want Christmas with you or goes elsewhere, it will hurt, but let him.

He will soon miss his mums Christmas's that he's been lucky enough to have over the years.

[godmum56]

I wonder if he sees the christmas traditions as something that happens and not something you personally do? So the comments aren't aimed at you because you do it wrong, but more like disliking rain?

[FTM91]

When I was a similar age and my parents divorced Christmas did lose some of its magic. I felt all the pressure to make each of them happy because it was just me and much younger sibling and them. So it might be that it's more 'emotionally' exhausting now, rather than the actual stuff you do on the day.

[Itsnotdeep]

Lots of people just don't like Christmas - I don't think you should necessarily take it personally.

I like the run up to Christmas, but left to myself wouldn't do any of the Christmas day stuff at all.

[gannett]

I don't think he's unreasonable to be a bit anti-Christmas, in fact I probably largely agree with him. But he was being insensitive to say that to you.

He probably didn't realise that - teenagers aren't known for their empathic qualities. But a little, non-dramatic chat might work - not to change his mind or convince him that a traditional Christmas is great or tell him he's wrong, but to explain why you, his mother, found the way he said it hurtful. Because while he's entitled to have his preferences, it's not nice to dismiss effort that people put in on your behalf.

[Unsuremover]

I remember this conversation with my mum, although I was older, maybe 19. I honestly was surprised that she reacted like you did. I thought I was saying we’re not religious, I’m not a child who believes in Santa so why are we pretending with all this? I know now that it’s about family and traditions and making time for each other and having something nice in the depths of winter. But at the time i over thought it. I wasn’t trying to be horrible and she didn’t go with what I suggested either.
Best advise I’d say would be just to nod and say he’ll be our the house soon enough and can do what he likes then. I’m 36 now and have booked a Christmas activity with my mum ( and other family) every weekend in December. I know what she’s getting for Christmas and I’m making pudding for the day at her house.

[sillysmiles]

While it hurts, I don't think a 14 yr old thoughts on the future and the reality of his future are the same thing.
Remember when you were 14 and you thought 25 was old and you'd be totally sorted in life by then? Ya that doesn't happen for most people.

As he gets older, he will understand that you not seeing your parents at Christmas is to protect them from an alcoholic.

I think for the moment, just ride it out, don't react, just keep talking!

[PackedintheUK]

It can't be surprising that children of separated parents find Christmas difficult. It doesn't stop it hurting to hear it, but it's understandable that's he's considering not wanting to choose between you as an adult. It shows maturity, I think.

[AmyDudley]

How did the conversation arise - was it during a general teen moaning session in which everything anyone else does is better than what you do? Or was it an actual request to do something different?

If the latter I would sit down with both your sons and ask how they would like to do things, and take on board any sensible suggestions. If your younger son wants to keep things as they are, then I would do that - and if your DS1 doesn't like it then he can have toast for breakfast and stay at home while you go for a walk, and just have some cash if he doesn't like presents. Not everything should change because of him - but his wishes can be accomodated within your usual framework

My DDIL hates opening presents in front of other people, so i never expect her to do it, she finds it stressful because of childhood memories. So we swap a bag of presents and she can open them where and when she wants to - I want her to enjoy Christmas in her way not feel uncomfortable.

Some people just find the idea of presents and saying the right thing etc etc stressful - maybe your DS is like this. Maybe with him being part of the time with you and part of the time with your X's family he finds it all a bit overwhelming.
But he's old enough to not spoil others enjoyment if your younger one still like a bit of a celebration. I mean if he wants to spend the whole day in his room I'd let him -, hes just not a Christmas person.

But I would pull him up on saying other family do it better, he's old enough to know that's a hurtful rude thing to say.

But teens are notoriously lacking in empathy - their brains are still developing and the can be nice thoughtful kids when younger and become very unaware in their teens, Then they go back to being more thoughtful and kind (hopefully)

[DanglingMod]

Everyone is different, OP, and your ds is allowed to change his mind as he grows up regarding what he likes to do.

Your Christmas sounds massively too much for me/my family/my ds, but then he's autistic and I hate "occasions", fuss and forced traditions.

It could be just him expressing his opinion or he could be trying to upset you because that's what children of separated parents do sometimes.

He sounds like a great kid, though, conscious of consumer waste and all that waste, asking for very little. Don't take it personally, honestly.

[MamsellMarie]

I would tell him about alcy grandad in a year or two, if now is not the right time.
If you hide it everyone else seems unfriendly/ ungrateful when it's DF who is the problem.

[HollowTalk]

He clearly thinks he's old enough to have mature discussions so I would tell him about the alcoholism (be prepared for him to not believe you or to say you're over-reacting because he hasn't witnessed it) and I'd remind him of that message he sent about the £40. Ask for constructive criticism, not just slagging off, and then I think when he says something about not seeing you at Christmas when he's an adult, just say, "Oh I've always thought I'd spend Christmas in New York when you kids are older and have other plans - I'm really looking forward to it." It sounds as though he knows his comments hurt you - pull him up on that.

[3scape]

Honestly? I don't think many in this generation enjoy Christmas. It's all over the top nonsense and they're at the age to see there's nothing behind the twinkling lights. The realisation that it's more than fake Santa but that it's also pointless and often meaningless. It lasts long enough to want to get together with friends and the family you choose for yourself. But then they realise the effort. Appreciate old routines. But there's that drive to do things for themselves. But expressed often clumsily and hurtfully

[goose1964]

My son loved Christmas as a child turned into a silk machine in his teens and early 20s now he's kids of his own he's back to living it.

[WellTidy]

I really sympathise. I absolutely love Christmas and go all out with everything - decorations, presents, outings, activities, the lot.

DS1 is nearly 14yo and I’m conscious that everything I organise is suddenly a bit ‘young’ - so maybe I don’t need to buy half of hobbycraft and make decorations with him, or put every homemade decoration he has ever made on the tree in the hall, or maybe we don’t need to watch Home Alone yet again etc.

I think this year I will put a list of suggestions together, and he can choose what he would like to do. And our Christmas will just take a different turn. D’s loves to cook so I am going to involve him in the meal planning and he can make the cake, pudding and some fudge or things along those lines. Maybe this would work better for you too?

[DamnitFanny]

I love Christmas and try to make it special and my eldest son became quite grinchy in his teenage years (‘oh no, not another Christmas movie etc’) and didn’t come with us to get the tree etc. He’s now 24 and has bought his first house and when we were out getting bits and pieces was talking about getting his tree and looking at musical Christmas ornaments!! 😂. They just go through phases of trying to establish themselves and it can be hurtful but just do Christmas as you enjoy it and if he wants to join in he will but don’t let him spoil it for you and your other DC

[FangsForTheMemory]

I always hated Christmas because my mother spent it trying to recreate her own childhood. I got shouted at for getting upset when my father was nasty to me because I was spoiling ‘her’ Christmas. So I wonder OP: are you doing all that stuff for your kids? Or for yourself?

[Goldbar]

Sounds like a phase. I remember going off Christmas during my early teens (it was a bit too much and I just wanted to read my book and eat my chocolate in peace) but I loved it again by late teens/early 20s.

[Caspianberg]

Maybe just sit down with him and ask him what he would like to do instead? What he would prefer to not take part in or anything new he would like you to do.

[Gonnagetgoing]

@ShrinkingViolet9

"We get a real tree each year and dc help decorate - or do most of it now. We do a beige - everything - in breadcrumbs- lunch on the 24th, a walk late afternoon and back to Christmas eve bags from the elves, smashing up the gingerbread house for Christmas Eve pudding, always watch nativity and Father Christmas film after tea on Christmas Eve, stockings, multipack cereal for breakfast...just low key stuff but even at their ages (12 and 14) they insist on it all."

Sounds exhausting.

Yep - sounds bloody exhausting - why all the forced enjoyment?

Not surprised he wants to bow out to be honest.

[Gonnagetgoing]

Putting this out there - could you ask him if he'd like to help you at a local soup kitchen/food bank over Christmas? Put together shoe boxes for people at Christmas?

Maybe he'd actually prefer the charity and helping others side of things?

[EileenGC]

I like having low key Christmases and have never had more than 3-4 gifts from my family in total, not even as a child. We just don’t do a bit Christmas for various reasons, but I do know my mum loves the Christmas ‘spirit’ so I do get excited when I’m with her and would never make hurtful comments to her. YANBU to feel hurt, same as he isn’t BU to feel that way about Christmas.

The one thing that stands out for me from your post is that your children, at 14 and 12, don’t know your dad is an alcoholic? That’s old enough to understand some people are addicts and why some relationships are strained / different than others because of it. You may be trying to paint to them this ‘happy family at holidays’ picture, which is not going to do them any favours later on. In life you need to know that some family members are shit, we don’t see them too often due to XYZ, and that’s just how it is. Don’t shield them from real life problems, not at 14.

[SpookyPumpkinPants]

@ShrinkingViolet9

"We get a real tree each year and dc help decorate - or do most of it now. We do a beige - everything - in breadcrumbs- lunch on the 24th, a walk late afternoon and back to Christmas eve bags from the elves, smashing up the gingerbread house for Christmas Eve pudding, always watch nativity and Father Christmas film after tea on Christmas Eve, stockings, multipack cereal for breakfast...just low key stuff but even at their ages (12 and 14) they insist on it all."

Sounds exhausting.

You must be very seriously unwell to find that exhausting!

It sounds low key & lovely, stop being daft!

[Itsanewdah]

To be fair, your “low key” is quite full on. Low key would be one or two of these things, but not everything together. Not everyone likes a massive upheaval around Christmas, so let him do what he wants. He needs to figure out his own priorities, and his needs.