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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave DS behind when we go on holiday?

395 replies

Kermitsolvestheclimate · 18/10/2021 18:34

We're due to go away tomorrow (in UK). DS (age 14.5) won't pack his bag or do anything to get ready to leave early in the morning despite various encouragements and warnings from us. He has just gone out for the rest of this eve (to a class he attends). He has form and caused a lot of trouble on our last holiday as he wouldn't pack to leave and we had a strict deadline to be out of the accommodation. His lack of co-operation was very stressful and I ended up clearing his room, packing his bags for him on top of everything else I was doing like clearing the kitchen, packing the car etc. he just sat there doing sweet FA. AIBU to just think sod him, we'll go without him in the morning and leave him home alone rather than have all the angst again. I refuse to accept he needs his mother to pack a bag for a few days away whilst he sits playing on his phone. I know he does want to come on the holiday and when he snaps out of his stupid mood will be upset if we leave him behind. (For context he has ASD but is 'high functioning' and is perfectly able to pack an overnight bag) .

OP posts:
WomanStanleyWoman · 18/10/2021 18:35

Do you have a coal cellar?

Wolfiefan · 18/10/2021 18:36

Why on earth didn’t you say he couldn’t go to the class unless he packed first?
You don’t leave a 14 year old home alone.

Lazypuppy · 18/10/2021 18:37

I'd leave him. Give him the deadline, if he isn't ready carry on and leave

rubyslippers · 18/10/2021 18:37

What?!!?
He’s a CHILD
You can’t leave him on his own - you’re being ridiculous

rubyslippers · 18/10/2021 18:38

@WomanStanleyWoman

Do you have a coal cellar?
I love your user name Blush
rubyslippers · 18/10/2021 18:39

You shouldn’t have let him go to the class tonight
I cannot believe you’re contemplating leaving him alone

FrownedUpon · 18/10/2021 18:39

I’d leave him. He’s playing you.

freelions · 18/10/2021 18:40

I totally understand your frustration but you can't leava 14yo home alone for a week

Holidays with a reluctant teen are a nightmare (been there, done that) but it is probably too late to arrange an alternative plan so on this occasion if he won't cooperate an pack for himself them shove the basics in a bag for him

I would think carefully before booking any more holidays before he is 16 though

SylvanasWindrunner · 18/10/2021 18:40

Settling in for this one 🍿

rubyslippers · 18/10/2021 18:40

@FrownedUpon

I’d leave him. He’s playing you.
He’s 14 with Additional needs

You’d leave him on his own?

BonnieGoWayward · 18/10/2021 18:41

He has form and caused a lot of trouble on our last holiday as he wouldn't pack to leave and we had a strict deadline to be out of the accommodation. His lack of co-operation was very stressful and I ended up clearing his room, packing his bags for him on top of everything else I was doing like clearing the kitchen, packing the car etc. he just sat there doing sweet FA

Did you punish him for this? If so, obviously not harshly enough.

My nearly 14 year old wouldn't have left his room or had tech for a month if he flat out refused to do something he was told to.

EatYourVegetables · 18/10/2021 18:41

YABU.

Especially if he has ASD. It sounds like he is struggling with some executive functioning and long term planning, and might be overwhelmed by the magnitude of the task of packing. You could talk to him to figure out the root of the problem, or help him construct a packing strategy, or help him deal with whatever is stopping him. You know, do some parenting, especially in the light of the ASD, rather than just threaten!

OverweightPidgeon · 18/10/2021 18:41

Take him without the clothes he should have packed - you can’t leave him alone!

finallyme2018 · 18/10/2021 18:42

If your son is asd, then he could be like my son who whilst excited about holidays or days out unless it is somewhere he's been before the anxiety it induces is ridiculous. The things he can do day to day suddenly can't be done it's like the anxiety clouds his mind so his jobs are step to far. Being out the house distracts him an he can mask how he's feeling. I've learnt it not personal but if I have expectations we both end up upset. So instead of packing etc. I let him plan the route plan music. Things that help him feel in control so we both start the holiday in good moods.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 18/10/2021 18:43

Shove some clean pants and socks in your case and take him. He won't be able to do much once he's there especially if you don't pack his device chargers, but at least you won't have to worry about being prosecuted for abandonment on your return.

2lsinllama · 18/10/2021 18:44

This is the second similar thread I’ve seen today - what’s with everyone going on holiday and not taking there children?

Billandben444 · 18/10/2021 18:44

I'd leave him as well. Explain what will happen if he's not ready at a certain time in the morning and make it quite clear you'll go without him. Leave him some phone numbers (local pizza place and a cranky uncle perhaps) and let him crack on. He can be left at this age - he'd have been up a chimney a couple of generations back.

rrhuth · 18/10/2021 18:45

You're being completely unreasonable. Pack him some basic things - it'll take five mins - and take him.

You can't leave a 14yo, no.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 18/10/2021 18:45

I'd take him with you without his stuff. Staying home alone if he isn't responsible enough to even pack a bag is a disaster waiting to happen

Mamamamasaurus · 18/10/2021 18:46

Another vote for 'WTF did you allow him to go to this class?'

Tigerwhocameforsupper · 18/10/2021 18:46

I would take him, but don’t pack the bag.

If he arrives there with no stuff then more fool him.

He will pack. He wouldn’t ensure his phone charger was in there unless he did!

CocaColaTruck1 · 18/10/2021 18:47

Yep shouldn't have gone to the class.
You can't leave him at home.

Bigeggsinapackoften · 18/10/2021 18:47

Since he has ASD you must know it is likely he will struggle with this. Change. Packing. Big job. And he’s being classic avoidant.

Why not just pack his stuff for him?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 18/10/2021 18:48

You want to leave an autistic 14 year old at home alone??

catsandhens · 18/10/2021 18:49

I know you said he has 'high functioning' autism but honestly that's often just a phrased used for 'masks well'.

A friend who is a lecturer in autism shared a post on facebook the other day around executive disfunction, autism and how hard it is to do something if the block of time you are doing it for is too far in the future.

I wont explain it well but essentially - if you don't have executive disfunction you can see you have a task to do that needs to be done for a deadline tomorrow. You know how long it takes, how many other things you have to do and how long they take and you can plan accordingly.

With executive disfunction you can only understand timelines over a shorter period of time. So for example he has gone to the class because the class is (for example) 30 minutes ahead and he can see that. However the holiday is say 20 hours ahead, so it wouldn't make sense to pack before the class and he cannot calculate the time needed and slot it in, because he doesn't see the "timeline" the way you do.

(sorry that's explained badly)

But essentially - he could be being lazy, cant be bothered etc. Or he could be genuinely unable to understand packing now for an activity x hours ahead. Therefore he may need some coping mechanisms to deal with this.

Either way you cant leave a 14 year old at home along whilst you go on holiday. But you definitely cant leave a 14 year old with possible executive disfunction at home alone and punish them for their autism 'high functioning' or otherwise