Leave DS behind when we go on holiday?

[Kermitsolvestheclimate]

We're due to go away tomorrow (in UK). DS (age 14.5) won't pack his bag or do anything to get ready to leave early in the morning despite various encouragements and warnings from us. He has just gone out for the rest of this eve (to a class he attends). He has form and caused a lot of trouble on our last holiday as he wouldn't pack to leave and we had a strict deadline to be out of the accommodation. His lack of co-operation was very stressful and I ended up clearing his room, packing his bags for him on top of everything else I was doing like clearing the kitchen, packing the car etc. he just sat there doing sweet FA. AIBU to just think sod him, we'll go without him in the morning and leave him home alone rather than have all the angst again. I refuse to accept he needs his mother to pack a bag for a few days away whilst he sits playing on his phone. I know he does want to come on the holiday and when he snaps out of his stupid mood will be upset if we leave him behind. (For context he has ASD but is 'high functioning' and is perfectly able to pack an overnight bag) .

@saleorbouy

Don't pack anything, just take him on holiday. He'll miss his charger, toiletries and clean clothes and understand that next time he travels he will need to take a more grown-up attitude and pack what he wants and needs.

I don't think next time would be any different if you do that. What would happen is he would just be incredibly distressed on this holiday and the one after. What might help is learning some kind of technique in order to help him with the packing. It's not a situation with 'logical consequences' kind of thing.

I’m not sure if the OP is coming back or not but just wanted to say my DS16 has ASD, also high functioning. I understand your frustration but my DS has never yet been able to pack for a holiday. He did try in the summer but I checked his bag and all the wrong things were in there. If I hadn’t checked he wouldn’t have had half the things he needed and would have been miserable on holiday. He is quite lazy and can be rude but I know he genuinely struggles to know what he should take. It is frustrating as my 13 year old DD can pack to go away no problem. I think it’s about picking your battles, I genuinely don’t think if I hadn’t checked his bag it would have taught him a lesson for next time, it would have just made him (and us) miserable. My DS is clever and articulate so it’s easy to think he should know what to take but I know he struggles with organisation so I help even though it is frustrating.

You're quite sheltered if you think a 13 year old isn't mature enough to babysit.

sorry, my laptop doesn't have the crying laughing emoji.

I am a teacher, who has taught in some of the toughest parts of UK, and I am responsible for safeguarding in my current context.
And on the basis of that, I stand by my point, I would not let a 13 year old baby sit.

The 'high functioning as a misleading term' has been discussed in depth upthread, so there's no reason to start it up again.

To recap,
"HFA is not a recognised diagnosis by the American Psychological Association (DSM-5) or the World Health Organization (ICD-10). HFA is often, however, used in clinical settings to describe a set of symptoms related to an autism spectrum disorder whereby they exhibit standard autism indicators although have an intelligence quotient (IQ) of 70 or greater
Source de Giambattista, Concetta (2019). "Subtyping the Autism Spectrum Disorder: Comparison of Children with High Functioning Autism and Asperger Syndrome en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-functioning_autism

This is a good explanation of why the term 'high functioning' is being phased out in the UK, because it's so unhelpful. Many people equate it with 'can pass for NT without any problems' or call it 'mild autism' but that's not representative of how someone's autism affects them.
The term High Functioning Autism denotes an IQ of over 70, nothing else.
HFA is not a recognised diagnosis by the American Psychological Association (DSM-5) or the World Health Organization (ICD-10). HFA is often, however, used in clinical settings to describe a set of symptoms related to an autism spectrum disorder whereby they exhibit standard autism indicators although have an intelligence quotient (IQ) of 70 or greater

This gives a further explanation.
"People who can speak aloud and have reasonable control over their motor processing are often called “high-functioning,” and yet these autistics often struggle with employment, relationships, and executive function.
My doctor recently referred to my autism is “mild.” I gently pointed to my psychologist’s report which stated that my executive dysfunction as being greater than 99th percentile.
“That means I am less functional than 99% of people. Does that seem mild to you?” I asked her.
But, you see, I can speak, and I can look people in the eyes, so they see my autism as “mild.” My autism affects those around me mildly but my autism does affect me severely"
above quote from neuroclastic.com/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/

Getting back on topic, it does appear as though the OP is not returning. I hope she found a good solution to her problem and that other people who insist that consequences should be applied to a teen with ASD in a similar way to a teen who is NT have learned why in this situation, that's not a viable option.

No I was actually stating it about the posters 14.5 yo that she was considering leaving home alone..
“Yeah fine stay at home” - to then have a teenager feeling like that they weren’t wanted there anyway because that’s exactly the situation with the child I know of.
On another note, I’ve read the whole thread and all comments from OP and she’d chosen not to leave him so it’s all irrelevant anyway!

I wouldn’t leave any “child” under 16 home alone over night. That’s my personal choice!

@BlankTimes off-topic, but could you tell me how your executive functioning was assessed? I could do with such an assessment for myself and one of my "high-functioning" (not envy) autistic children. We absolutely fall into the same category as you: easy on the pallet for most people around us (until we're not), but so debilitating in our own lives. It would be very helpful to have an assessment that shows this, rather than me trying to explain and others not understanding/believing.

My high functioning laddie was 18/19 when we moved house 175 miles away.. he was unbelievably stressed & could not get out of his bed as the removals men arrived. It took HOURS to persuade him that all would be fine.
I DID bring him..

I just wanted to send you a virtual hug, dealing with the anxiety side of autism is incredibly difficult, especially when it appears like they are self sabotaging in refusing to do something that they want to do. Maintaining your own wellbeing in the face of parenting a child/children with autism is very very difficult and I have many a time refused to go places (I've always backed down so far), I have also spent many a time researching one bed flats in other countries for me to run away to. You are not alone, sending you hugs!

At work we use the term high functioning to mean not intellectually disabled. It doesn't mean we think someone can function well per se, or not struggle with certain aspects of life, just that they are likely to have the intellectual ability to develop a variety of successful personal coping strategies (with help and scaffolding at times).

Ds1 is NT but I still pack his bag when we go on holiday. And check that he has the right school stuff with him most days, remind him when he has PE, tell him to take his lunch with him, etc etc They can get a bit foggy-minded at that age ime. In theory he can do all of it, but in practice it doesn't yet all work out. I do remember being very much like that at that age too, and I turned out alright :)

I hope you found a good solution OP, even if that does mean that YOU aren't going on holiday.

Pack for him and take him.

Thank you those asking if I'm OK. I tried to post a few times but not worked. I came away with them (though I am feeling pretty rubbish and not wholly wanting to be here). DH and me not speaking. I helped DS pack the morning we were leaving ( well I packed for him). It wasn't 10 minutes as his room is like its been burgled, literally, so it's 30 mins to straighten it first then try and find things amongst the chaos. The clean clothes ( which I wash and sort for him) all mixed with dirty stuff, wet towels on floor etc. I do his room for him usually but haven't this week. Partly can't face it as too busy myself and it's such a tip this week, partly as it makes me so mad when I'm crazy busy trying to do loads (dh does a lot too tbf) and DS sitting with his feet up watching tick tick videos. I'm very busy with my own full time demanding job with lots of deadlines. I've brought work on this 'holiday'. Anyway, I packed, it was stressful and we were late and I had to neglect other things I should have done before we left. I kept all that suppressed and didn't get cross with DS even though I'm molten inside. He IS capable of packing a simple bag. I see him do plenty of things when he can be arsed. Change, in terms of going places, travel etc doesn't freak him like some ASD DC mentioned on here. He himself will instigate changes and trips on a whim without lead in (eg non scheduled sleep overs at new friends houses or family but not always familiar places). He has been travelling unaided to school on public transport or walking since he was 10 ( as his brother does). People on here saying they don't let 15year olds out alone to go to school??!!! Seems bizarre to me. We"ve never been that type of helicopter parents for context. And we don't have time even if we wanted to. Anyway,thanks for the constructive and helpful advice lots of people posted, they were food for thought and did help me to pack for him without losing my shit.

It sounds like you're at the end of your tether because you seem to be doing everything for everyone. The packing is not the issue. I thought your DH was packing, how come you did it in the end? Maybe there are bigger issues which we obviously can't see from one post. But if you're supposed to work and do everything at home, I'd lose my shit if I were you too. Good luck and sorry you've had such a hard time.

It sounds like working full time and the role you play in family life isn't really working for you here.

Are you happy OP? Maybe it's time to re-evaluate? My Nan told me once, we can have it all, just not at the same time.

Take his phone, etc off him. And if necessary, his house keys. Old fashioned parenting. No money. No contact with the outside world unless parents there. No games. Has to spend time with family. Grit your teeth and go for it. If leaving him at home, why on here asking? Leave him with bare minimum of money and a list of tasks. Get family to pop in every day/evening so he knows he is being watched. Might change his mind then...

@onthegrindbaby

As far as I remember, it was done in conjunction with DD's other multi-disciplinary assessments, of which she's had several. Are you sure it's not "hidden" in diagnostic reports you already have under scores for tests with acronyms like Weschler/WISC, TEACh Opposite Worlds, TEACh Score etc?

This site's American, but it should give you a very good overview of the sorts of things you can ask to be tested for. www.theottoolbox.com/adults-executive-function-disorder/

But don't forget, processing speed and ability to understand instructions (both of which affect Executive Function) tend to be more under the SLT umbrella than OT, so it's important that whoever you ask to do it, will do a thorough assessment.

On the other hand, Executive Function seems to be allied to ADD/ADHD so perhaps a psychiatrist who assesses for those could assess for Executive Function alone?

Sorry I can't be more specific, but good luck on finding the right person to do the tests. Do stress that you need an explanatory report detailing why low scores in certain areas mean it's impossible for you to carry out certain tasks like an NT person would.

" Executive Function seems to be allied to ADD/ADHD " poor wording on my part,

Executive Function as a 'thing' seems to be recognised in general as part of ADHD/ADD rather than other neurodiverse conditions.

Executive dysfunction is also associated with frontal lobe brain injury such as from a head injury or a dementia.

Pack his Bag. At least he will have all the correct things (toothbrush, underwear etc). If he finds there is anything missing that he wanted to have , tough. Next time he will take the trouble to do it himself. You cannot leave him on his own.

@me109f

Pack his Bag. At least he will have all the correct things (toothbrush, underwear etc). If he finds there is anything missing that he wanted to have , tough. Next time he will take the trouble to do it himself. You cannot leave him on his own.

They left ten days ago....