Leave DS behind when we go on holiday?

[Kermitsolvestheclimate]

We're due to go away tomorrow (in UK). DS (age 14.5) won't pack his bag or do anything to get ready to leave early in the morning despite various encouragements and warnings from us. He has just gone out for the rest of this eve (to a class he attends). He has form and caused a lot of trouble on our last holiday as he wouldn't pack to leave and we had a strict deadline to be out of the accommodation. His lack of co-operation was very stressful and I ended up clearing his room, packing his bags for him on top of everything else I was doing like clearing the kitchen, packing the car etc. he just sat there doing sweet FA. AIBU to just think sod him, we'll go without him in the morning and leave him home alone rather than have all the angst again. I refuse to accept he needs his mother to pack a bag for a few days away whilst he sits playing on his phone. I know he does want to come on the holiday and when he snaps out of his stupid mood will be upset if we leave him behind. (For context he has ASD but is 'high functioning' and is perfectly able to pack an overnight bag) .

Well you can’t actually leave him alone as he’s only 14! Legally or reasonably.

You’re not unreasonable to think it!

I agree he shouldn’t have been allowed to go to the class til it was done.

He wouldn't be left totally alone if we did go, we have family members who live 20 mins away who would check in on him and also neighbours who are good friends whom he could go to in an emergency or if any problems

This is still being left alone in the house.

Its 5 days btw not a week.

Doesn't make a difference

How’s his executive functioning skills?
Pack a bag for an 14 year old with ASD is so vague?
Have you tried writing a list for him? Sounds like you might have to rethink the way you deal with him tbh .

And to leave him at home on his own while you go on holiday? That must be a joke!

Give him a different - legal - consequence.

Just throw a few things in a bag now, while he’s out. He’s got autism. This is a known issue. You could solve this stand off in 10 minutes if you choose to take the easy path.

You’re being very selfish here OP. You can’t leave a 14 year old home alone just for a holiday.

Those saying we would be breaking the law are wrong by the way, solicitors guidance says " The fact is that there is no legally defined age for when children can be left at home alone. The law simply says that you should not leave a child alone if they’ll be at risk so it is left at the parents discretion."

Wasn’t there a film about this once.
Of course you can’t leave him home alone!

You can’t leave a 14 year old - particularly with ASD - on his own for 5 days.

Have you had any support yourself as to how you can support him with his ASD? You sound as if you are struggling with things like consequences for behaviour, and how to communicate clearly with him.

Wtf have I just read?!

Of course you can’t leave him!

Is bag packing really the battle worth having, I just don’t get it. Sort this out before the night before. You don’t have the choice to leave him. Pack his bag with him the night before you need to return. This is not worth it.

As a mum of an ASD teen, I suspect it’s too overwhelming for him to make a start. Yes my DS can pack a bag but other times it’s just too much. Packing for two nights away in a caravan is very different from a full blown holiday.

I have a DS who is 15 with ASD and ADHD. He is considered High Functioning. But high functioning doesn’t mean he is a NT Teenager. He does have the moods and he does have the back chat etc! You are his parent. And that doesn’t stop because you want to go on holiday. You cannot leave him on his own at home. It’s not fair to punish him this way. If he needs visuals then get him involved in writing a list for his holiday. Do a time schedule for when it can reasonably be done in. What will he need? What will he want with him? Write it down and he can tick it off as he goes. He will need your support throughout. My DS doesn’t like holidays at all. They represent everything he doesn’t like - travelling - something new - different food- new bed- new accommodation - different routines- everything is unfamiliar. We have meltdowns, and lots of stress. For now we have decided not to go on holidays. We make arrangements for him to be looked after by his nan or 28 year old sister. We have a maximum 2 night break. It’s not exactly what I want, but I’d never leave him at his age. It makes me sad that you would even consider it😢

YABU

I also have a teen with ASD so do understand how frustrating it is.

Do you often "punish" him like that? Could explain why he acts out if so. No you should not leave him, he will be extremely hurt and feel abandoned by his parents (who should love him unconditionally)

You can't leave him home alone, that's ridiculous.
I also wouldn't pack for him though so he could go with the clothes he had on.

For context he has ASD but is 'high functioning'

You can be "high functioning" and still have issues with executive functioning.

Pack his suitcase, and enjoy the holiday as a family :)

And to leave him home alone without an actual plan is just wrong. We do allow my now 15 year old DS to stay home for a night or two, but after we’ve done specific shopping for him. Checked he knows exactly who he can call (parents less then 5 mins away for example) and that he has plans etc. Not as a punishment for not packing, I can only imagine the stress that would cause to an ASD child.

At 14, my mother still packed the majority of my bag for holidays. 14 is too young to be able to think of all the things you might need when away from home and given he has ASD, I think you're being way too harsh. And it's a very strange battle to choose with a teenager.

I don't think you can leave him behind at that age but I would implement consequences if he refuses to at least pack with your help.

If he does actually enjoy holidays that's a major bonus. I had the holiday from hell when DS with asd was 14 ; spent most of the fortnight in bed refusing to go along with anything. I swore I'd never go on holiday with him again - and I never have!

Just pack some stuff for him, tell him a much earlier time to leave than the truth, anticipate any delaying tactics and then humour him out of the door. Good luck!

Absolutely no way in 100 years can you leave him alone, autistic or not!! Not good enough that relatives/neighbours will check in, sorry.
If he’s not ‘able’ to pack due to lack of executive function skills, how can he be left alone.
Pack basics, tell him
If wants extras he has to pack them himself after his class or whatever and go.
I did not let my NT kids stay home alone overnight until they were 15 & 17 respectively (together), and 16 on their own. And even then there were minor issues.

@Kermitsolvestheclimate

Those saying we would be breaking the law are wrong by the way, solicitors guidance says " The fact is that there is no legally defined age for when children can be left at home alone. The law simply says that you should not leave a child alone if they’ll be at risk so it is left at the parents discretion."

I’m assuming if you’re off on holiday there is no food in the house? Does he know how to shop for food and plan and cook his own meals?

There is plenty of 'easy' to warm up food in the house by the way and we also live 5 mins walk from a shop so he wouldn't starve.

Do you mean frozen food?

And has he prepared food for himself before by heating it up and knowing when it’s hot enough and therefore safe to eat?

What if he leaves the house to buy food and locks himself out?