Leave DS behind when we go on holiday?

[Kermitsolvestheclimate]

We're due to go away tomorrow (in UK). DS (age 14.5) won't pack his bag or do anything to get ready to leave early in the morning despite various encouragements and warnings from us. He has just gone out for the rest of this eve (to a class he attends). He has form and caused a lot of trouble on our last holiday as he wouldn't pack to leave and we had a strict deadline to be out of the accommodation. His lack of co-operation was very stressful and I ended up clearing his room, packing his bags for him on top of everything else I was doing like clearing the kitchen, packing the car etc. he just sat there doing sweet FA. AIBU to just think sod him, we'll go without him in the morning and leave him home alone rather than have all the angst again. I refuse to accept he needs his mother to pack a bag for a few days away whilst he sits playing on his phone. I know he does want to come on the holiday and when he snaps out of his stupid mood will be upset if we leave him behind. (For context he has ASD but is 'high functioning' and is perfectly able to pack an overnight bag) .

A more sensible consequence would be that you pack a few basic things but that he doesn’t get to wear the clothes he might have chosen or the books/tech he might have chosen because he didn’t pack, you had to but very very quickly.

Was the holiday discussed with him before and he wanted to go? Can he go to a grandparent or a friend?

I get that he didn't do what he was told to do and it's disruptive to your plans but you can't seriously be considering leaving a 14 year old home alone by himself?

I seriously hope this is not real.

Pack his nastiest clothes and no chargers.

Have you tried empathising and working together? I hate packing for holidays. It makes me really stressed. It all goes back to my mum who also found it really stressful and had everything for the holiday laid out in the spare room for 2 weeks before we went and woe-betide you if you touched, let alone wore, something in that room.

Can you say ‘I know packing can be stressful. Let’s set a timer for 15 minutes and see how much we can get done together?’

It reads as though you are looking for a reason not to take him with you and so him not packing a bag has given you a reason. I have two with autism and for every battle I always consider whether the win is worth it. I wouldn't consider packing a bag worth a battle and would pack for him. I imagine social care would take a very dim view of you leaving a fourteen year old with a disability home alone whilst you holidayed to teach him a lesson.

To the patronising comment re us doing our research, we have had several years of that btw. He very much wants to go on the trip, he is very excited about going and most of it is planned around things he likes doing. Its not me swanning off for my dream holiday without him, I can assure you. Just don't want him ruining it for rest of family esp younger DC again.

If it is the case your DS has aspergers I suggest you take time to educate yourself about his condition. You sound truly awful. He willl likely have heightened anxiety as he prepares to travel. You should have supported him by helping him pack and assist in reducing his anxiety.

Sounds like you havent quite understood his diagnosis and expect him to respond to your demands like a 'normal' DC. I am using that terminology not because i agree with it but it sounds like that is your view

@Kermitsolvestheclimate

To the patronising comment re us doing our research, we have had several years of that btw. He very much wants to go on the trip, he is very excited about going and most of it is planned around things he likes doing. Its not me swanning off for my dream holiday without him, I can assure you. Just don't want him ruining it for rest of family esp younger DC again.

So if he really wants to go and is excited why is he acting like this? Makes no sense ?

Does he cope with the change? How did he ruin your last holiday? I would be classed as high functioning but procrastination has always been a massive issue for me. Time keeping and getting so stressed by the thought of having to do things, have been problematic. That is why now 'high functioning' has stopped being used. Academic work isn't the only issue. My DD would be classed as lower functioning' but there's aspects of life that she handles so much better than me.

@Kermitsolvestheclimate

To the patronising comment re us doing our research, we have had several years of that btw. He very much wants to go on the trip, he is very excited about going and most of it is planned around things he likes doing. Its not me swanning off for my dream holiday without him, I can assure you. Just don't want him ruining it for rest of family esp younger DC again.

Well this makes no sense as to why you aren't helping him. Your making it worse if anything

Looking at childlaw.org, it does say that leaving a 14 year old alone for a week would be an offence.
By the sound of it you know woefully little about autism. Executive dysfunction can be a real problem. Someone may be capable but not able to do the task because of it.
Typical punishments like taking away electronics is usually ineffective with an autistic person. There's no logic to it so a lesson won't be learned. As well as that, electronics are often used as a method of self regulation, so in some instances, confiscating them would be incredibly unfair.
Consider natural consequences.
This is a problem with saying someone is "high functioning", they're expected to be able to deal with and cope with certain things when they might not actually be able to. It means they mask well or their autism doesn't affect you that much.

Leaving him alone would be a ridiculous idea. Just pack a bag for him.

As for leaving him, it would be a neglect case. The law is written knowing that some people don't have babysitters etc. So allows for work and a social life. For you to leave him to go on holiday is a different matter.

Just throw a few things in a bag for him. You can’t leave him at home. Teenagers are hard work

I’d pack two pairs of pants, two pairs of socks and a spare set of shorts and T-shirt and a jumper I’m my case and just take him like that.

@Bigeggsinapackoften

Since he has ASD you must know it is likely he will struggle with this. Change. Packing. Big job. And he’s being classic avoidant.

Why not just pack his stuff for him?

This, and what everyone else said about him having a mindset which could make this tricky for him.

He's 14, ffs.

Pack his bags, take him with you.

Could you honestly have a great time knowing he was home alone?

Help him. You still have a few years where you can do that.

I am finding this really negative toward those with HFA, the minimising of the condition. Unless this is a tip of the iceberg I really don’t understand all this over a bag.

Talk about making a rod for your own back. Yes, do it. Go away. Leave him home alone. Post pictures of what you come back to.

14 is too young to be left home along for 5 nights.

I’d pack his bag for him, but with my choice of clothes. None of his fashionable stuff. Maybe even his old He-Man pyjamas, a cute button-up shirt, his good shoes.

He’ll be happy to do his own packing next time.

Hi OP, how would DS respond to a tick list? So 6 x pants, 6 x pairs of socks? Might that lessen his stress around packing? I'd grab a bag of emergency clothes for him on the quiet and give him a list to work through himself. At least that way he'll have clothes (albeit not necessarily what he would choose but..) and he's been given the opportunity to pack for himself?

I hope you reach some resolution and manage to enjoy your family holiday all together. Please don't leave him alone at home, that really wouldn't be right.

This thread is horrible.

You have a son with ASD and you seem to be totally oblivious to the executive functioning issues that causes. Trying to "teach him a lesson" by punishing him for something he can't control is awful.

Just pack his bag and enjoy your holiday.

If you do leave him home alone, I truly hope someone reports you to the police and social services.

I was capable of packing a bag at 14, actually younger. I was also left home alone at 14 and somehow didn't manager to kill myself or anyone else. The mollycoddling on this forum is extreme. How else do young lazy people learn responsibility?

I refuse to accept he needs his mother to pack a bag for a few days away whilst he sits playing on his phone.

So take his bloody phone off him. At least you know you won’t get arrested for that.

@VodselForDinner

14 is too young to be left home along for 5 nights.

I’d pack his bag for him, but with my choice of clothes. None of his fashionable stuff. Maybe even his old He-Man pyjamas, a cute button-up shirt, his good shoes.

He’ll be happy to do his own packing next time.

He has ASD, which means he has issues with executive functioning.

Why are people suggesting punishing someone for this? It's pretty disgusting, actually.

@MilduraS

I was capable of packing a bag at 14, actually younger. I was also left home alone at 14 and somehow didn't manager to kill myself or anyone else. The mollycoddling on this forum is extreme. How else do young lazy people learn responsibility?

Again, for the people in the back.

HE HAS ASD. HE HAS EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING ISSUES.