Leave DS behind when we go on holiday?

[Kermitsolvestheclimate]

We're due to go away tomorrow (in UK). DS (age 14.5) won't pack his bag or do anything to get ready to leave early in the morning despite various encouragements and warnings from us. He has just gone out for the rest of this eve (to a class he attends). He has form and caused a lot of trouble on our last holiday as he wouldn't pack to leave and we had a strict deadline to be out of the accommodation. His lack of co-operation was very stressful and I ended up clearing his room, packing his bags for him on top of everything else I was doing like clearing the kitchen, packing the car etc. he just sat there doing sweet FA. AIBU to just think sod him, we'll go without him in the morning and leave him home alone rather than have all the angst again. I refuse to accept he needs his mother to pack a bag for a few days away whilst he sits playing on his phone. I know he does want to come on the holiday and when he snaps out of his stupid mood will be upset if we leave him behind. (For context he has ASD but is 'high functioning' and is perfectly able to pack an overnight bag) .

@MilduraS

I was capable of packing a bag at 14, actually younger. I was also left home alone at 14 and somehow didn't manager to kill myself or anyone else. The mollycoddling on this forum is extreme. How else do young lazy people learn responsibility?

Have you honestly even read the op

You are basically looking for a reason to leave him behind be cause he's difficult to handle and causes you stress.

It would take 5/10 minutes to back for him but you don't want a solution. Posters have suggested several ways of dealing with it, packing the basics, ni electronics etc. but you're not listening as you are looking to justify leaving him, home alone at 14 with ASD.

Parenting isn't about leaving the difficult kids behind. You don't get to opt out when it gets tough. Your role is to support your kids and be there for them, not to abandon them in the more challenging times.

Pack with him when he gets back, do it jointly using your list. I’m all for giving teens natural consequences but this is too much given he’s 14 snd he has ASD.

I’m what you would probably class as “high functioning” ASD. I’m married, have multiple degrees, am successful career wise, and I am a good mum. Basically I look like I’m fine most of the time.

One thing I really struggle with is packing. I can’t explain it…It just causes me to shut down. Maybe your son is like me? Would it really be such a big deal to pack with/for him? I don’t know what I’d do if my family (and now my husband) hadn’t helped me on occasion.

The OP's clearly very tired and burnt out. I would pack a bag for him, OP, but I can see you are at the end of your rope. Can your DH step in while you step away?

MilduraS that might be the case for you but OP son has Autism. That in itself has its own challenges around change, how to deal with anxiety etc. It is not mollycoddling when a child with autism runs away to avoid a stressful situation. As a parent you support them and assist them with those areas they find difficult. I am shocked at the lack of knowledge and understanding on this thread.

7catsisnotenough - I have done a tick list exactly like that and left it in his room for when he comes home. Also the offer of help (again). I'm not packing for him. If he goes with no clothes, he goes with no clothes. if he won't get in the car when we're going, we'll go without him as I can't physically force him.

Your 14 year old has ASD and you’re asking should you go off on holiday without him because he hasn’t packed a bag ?
You’re joking - surely??????

[quote MilduraS]@icedcoffees apparently I'm one of those old fashions 30 somethings who don't think ASD is an excuse to be incapable... 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
Whit ???? You don’t know what you’re talking about !!!!!

Christ, the poor kid must feel overwhelmed, parents who constantly punish, act like he ruins everything and are prepared to leave him alone for a week. I really hope you are a troll.

If not, can the arseholes read the thread? He has ASD. Not an excuse, but a reason. And all the more reason his parents should help.

@theremustonlybeone

MilduraS that might be the case for you but OP son has Autism. That in itself has its own challenges around change, how to deal with anxiety etc. It is not mollycoddling when a child with autism runs away to avoid a stressful situation. As a parent you support them and assist them with those areas they find difficult. I am shocked at the lack of knowledge and understanding on this thread.

Well said !

My mind is honestly blown

Step away OP. Go to bed early, do something else. See what happens in the morning.

You disgust me

He doesn't need a 'tick list' or 'punishment'. What he needs is a mother that understands he is not a NT child, and to treat him appropriately.

He can't just choose to pack the bags, he's got ASD!! His brain does not work like yours!

MilduraS I am aghast at reading your comment. I work for a national programme who support people with ASD. It isnt about being 'capable'. It is about recognisng that things you find easy arent for those who are autistic. I have people in my work place who have to remain off screen as they have sensory overload, someone else who gets stressed and anxious at too many people speaking at the same time. These are adults in the work place with this diagnosis. As for a young man who is excited about going but hasnt packed....eh, help him pack. My DS is 14 and I help him pack, i helped my DD pack for a recent school trip and she is 17. Why is that such an issue?

If you really want to punish him, just pack more of your clothes then when he runs out he can borrow yours

[quote MilduraS]@icedcoffees apparently I'm one of those old fashions 30 somethings who don't think ASD is an excuse to be incapable... 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
Not old fashioned, just plain ignorant.

He's 14, he is autistic, and he has gone to do the next thing in his usual routine the night before you go away, out of routine, for 5 days. I would pack for him (context- I am autistic, would be classed as 'high functioning', have an autistic daughter, and would have struggled at 14 with the deadline. At your sons age, I would have got home, freaked out that I hadn't packed and now suddenly the deadline is CLOSE, and my mum would have helped me.) Help him, do it with him when he gets back, but DO NOT punish him for something which is likely outside of his control. One day, as an adult, he will likely be capable of prioritising his time. Today is not that day.

Are you autistic?

Pack for him OP.
All the childish tshirts that you can find. Mismatched clothes, specially if there are any that he dislikes, mismatched socks, trainers, and two undies.
Forget the phone, video game, tablet, chargers.... say you could not find them.
All done!

That should teach him.

@Kermitsolvestheclimate

Those saying we would be breaking the law are wrong by the way, solicitors guidance says " The fact is that there is no legally defined age for when children can be left at home alone. The law simply says that you should not leave a child alone if they’ll be at risk so it is left at the parents discretion."

I'm a social worker and I've initiated child protection proceedings for a child of that age being left at home alone when their parents went on holiday. Something unexpected happened and the 'emergency friends' weren't available and the child didn't know how to react. They went to school the next day and told a teacher. They were scared and alone. Don't be so utterly irresponsible and ridiculous.

I sympathise, and don't know what the solution is, but I can't condone leaving a 14 year old alone , especially with ASN

Look, hes 14 and has sen. You would be neglectful to leave him home alone. I think you need to suck it up and-pack for him until hes able to stay home alone.