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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave DS behind when we go on holiday?

395 replies

Kermitsolvestheclimate · 18/10/2021 18:34

We're due to go away tomorrow (in UK). DS (age 14.5) won't pack his bag or do anything to get ready to leave early in the morning despite various encouragements and warnings from us. He has just gone out for the rest of this eve (to a class he attends). He has form and caused a lot of trouble on our last holiday as he wouldn't pack to leave and we had a strict deadline to be out of the accommodation. His lack of co-operation was very stressful and I ended up clearing his room, packing his bags for him on top of everything else I was doing like clearing the kitchen, packing the car etc. he just sat there doing sweet FA. AIBU to just think sod him, we'll go without him in the morning and leave him home alone rather than have all the angst again. I refuse to accept he needs his mother to pack a bag for a few days away whilst he sits playing on his phone. I know he does want to come on the holiday and when he snaps out of his stupid mood will be upset if we leave him behind. (For context he has ASD but is 'high functioning' and is perfectly able to pack an overnight bag) .

OP posts:
Boulshired · 18/10/2021 18:52

I’m still trying to work out if you’re actually asking if you should leave him behind or being sarcastic. Communicate better with him and pack his bag as it will be less stressful than this.

underneaththeash · 18/10/2021 18:53

I don't even let DH pack any longer as I dislike spending my holiday shopping for stuff he's forgotten.

Just pack for him.

catsandhens · 18/10/2021 18:53

Also does he have a list or is it a general instruction just to pack. So for example if you say just pack but he goes to his room and doesn't know what to pack or how to work it out etc then it could be overwhelming.

Could you break it down with him, for example give him a sample list and let him make his own. Or sit down and work out a packing list together.

Does he know what the activities are likely to be? Our mum used to expect us to pack when we were 14 but wouldn't really give us an idea of what we might be doing so I never knew if I needed a smart dress, or a swimming costume or walking boots etc. Maybe he needs some senarios to pack for.

Again if he was being a pain packing to leave next time this may just also be laziness, but a lot of people tend to jump to classic autistic behaviour= laziness = punishment when really the root cause is not laziness at all

CheeseCrackersAndChutney · 18/10/2021 18:57

I think OP is probably joking…

BrilliantBulb · 18/10/2021 18:57

As you can’t travel back in time and tell him he can’t go to his class unless he packs then I would pack the absolute bare minimum (clothes) for him. No devices etc.

Sally872 · 18/10/2021 18:59

I would only leave a 14 year old for holiday if they were happy to stay and extremely responsible so I wouldn't leave him. But I can understand your frustration.

Cattitudes · 18/10/2021 19:00

I dislike spending my holiday shopping for stuff he's forgotten. why doesn't he do his own clothes shopping?

Would it help if you tell him he needs x pairs pants, y t-shirts etc.

BluebellsGreenbells · 18/10/2021 19:02

I’d pack two pairs of pants and a spare tooth brush and take him a she is!

gogohm · 18/10/2021 19:04

Pack for him, he goes end of. Dd was always like this, didn't want to go anywhere - we made her and she remembers holidays with fondness. She's autistic too

ScotsMumOf4 · 18/10/2021 19:05

You are being completely unreasonable. Your son is probably overwhelmed at the idea of packing, his being capable is not the point. Also why would you think a 14 year old would think of all the things he needs for a holiday 🤔 why wouldn't you have just done it yourself so you know its done properly or at the very least do it with him!

It is absolutely unacceptable to leave him in the house. Do you not realise even a nt 14 year old is not responsible enough to be left while you are away?

It sounds like you need to educate yourself on asd in my opinion. He has form for causing trouble on holiday 🤦‍♀️ ... yeah because he's not in familiar surroundings so his asd will affect him even more than usual

1forAll74 · 18/10/2021 19:05

You can't leave him, but you can instill some discipline into him, when he goes into these teenager moods phases He has to learn to not be disruptive, as it affects others in the family.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 18/10/2021 19:06

I'd pack for him, but obviously you can't guarantee that you'll pack all the items that he wanted...

MajorCarolDanvers · 18/10/2021 19:07

You can't leave a 14 year old home alone.

lilcolibri · 18/10/2021 19:08

Can't believe I'm reading that.

He has ASD and you can't even pack a bag for him?

He's not NT, he clearly needs a hand and you're 'considering leaving him' and resentful that you had to help him pack up last holiday?

I actually think you must be trolling since I can't believe a parent of a child with ASD that clearly needs some extra help would behave like this.

YodaiamsaidI · 18/10/2021 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BombyliusMajor · 18/10/2021 19:10

How long have you known he’s autistic, and what support have you had with parenting? He is likely to have a lot of anxiety around travel, and executive functioning issues that make it difficult to ‘just’ pack a bag, however straightforward a request this might seem to you. Please be gentle with him.

LynetteScavo · 18/10/2021 19:11

I really hate packing, o really struggle with doing it. I'm not sure why I hate it so much- maybe it's the decision making of what to take and what not to take.

I don't think your DS is just being lazy, I think he's struggling with the packing and needs you,or somebody else, to help him do it. Not do it for him (that's what I'd do while grumbling a lot Hmm) But make a list give it to him to at least read out while you out the things in the bag, or the other way around.

Stompythedinosaur · 18/10/2021 19:13

He's 14, you can't leave him.

It is frustrating he hasn't packed, but you will have to babysit him through it. Sit with him going through each step - do you have enough undies, tops, bottoms etc. You shouldn't have let him go to his class, but surely it won't take that long to get it done.

SirensofTitan · 18/10/2021 19:14

@underneaththeash

I don't even let DH pack any longer as I dislike spending my holiday shopping for stuff he's forgotten.

Just pack for him.

Is he barred from shops for some reason? Why would you have to do that?
Tal45 · 18/10/2021 19:15

If he's like my 15 yr old with asd then he's perfectly able to do it he just doesn't really know where to start/thinks he's got loads of time to do it/hopes if he doesn't do it then you will.
With mine I would say 'I want you to start packing in 15 minutes (gives him time to finish what he's doing but will need reminding when the 15m is up) and don't do anything else until you have finished.' Don't forget to pack x,y and z. The x,y and z gives him somewhere to start and once he's started he's normally ok.

Definitely don't leave him home, I wouldn't have left mine home alone.

MinesAPintOfTea · 18/10/2021 19:15

If he isn’t capable enough to pack for himself/go to the shop alone for whatever he has forgotten, then he isn’t capable enough to be home alone for a week. Definitely don’t do that to him as a punishment!

When he gets in, have a list ready and help him pack. Then have a glass of wine when it’s done.

olidora63 · 18/10/2021 19:21

Just do his packing and tell him to stop moaning if he complains on holiday that he isn’t happy with what you have packed!

Christinatherabbit · 18/10/2021 19:41

So this is obviously a joke or troll post. Well I'm really hoping so otherwise how ridiculous. Who leaves a 14 year old boy alone for a week while you are away on holiday never mind one that has Autism. 14 year olds do this, its your job to stand over him/help him do it and not let him go to out to a class if it hasn't been. Everything about this is completely weird. (Including the people saying leave him home alone are you all mad 🤦‍♀️)

Original poster
Kermitsolvestheclimate · 18/10/2021 19:57

Much of suggestions above we HAVE already tried. We didn't jump straight to 'stay behind' option. We have offered to help him, have done a list. We didn't 'let' him go to the class, he left the house and went and other than physically restraining him, not much we can do to stop that! 'High functioning' is the diagnosis given by professionals not my terminology. He wouldn't be left totally alone if we did go, we have family members who live 20 mins away who would check in on him and also neighbours who are good friends whom he could go to in an emergency or if any problems. He is perfectly able to function home alone, he does loads of things out of home on his own without us and has been here on his onw before (for a few hours). I'm interested in the 'punishment' somebody suggested we should have done after he ruined part of our holiday last time. With a teen, our options are to remove his phone and remove his money, both of which we do regularly (they don't work). Would love to know what other 'punishment' we can try! We have talked, discussed, been supportive etc etc until we are blue in the face. I refuse to keep doing the most basic things for him when I KNOW he is capable of doing them as he does them when he wants to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kermitsolvestheclimate · 18/10/2021 19:57

Its 5 days btw not a week.

OP posts: