To not be able to love my dp's son

[candlemakermom]

Hi all.

Basically what the title says. I can't warm to my DPs son. We've been together for 2 and a half years and he's involved a lot in his sons life which I love. But I just don't like him very much. He's 6 He's spoilt, whiny and cries over the smallest thing. For example, we decided to have a day out a few weeks back. We booked to go to an amusement park and on the day my dp explained to his son we were not having any devices for the day. He cried. For ages. Stomped his feet and was miserable. He refuses to eat anything but chicken nuggets, fries or pizza. When he stays over he won't go to sleep unless my dp stays in the bed with him which means that I'm sat downstairs alone for the whole evening. He pulls a grumpy face whenever he doesn't get his own way and he constantly demands stuff. It's all so draining. I love my dp but I just don't know how I'm supposed to love this boy too?

I don’t think you have to love him. Can you be kind to him? Is your partner worth the hassle?

How often does he spend time with you?

Do you want children with him? Imagine trying to raise you child with a man who parents like this. Even worse when he parents your child normally but allows his oldest to behave like this.

You don't have to love him. But you do need to take a step back - what he eats isn't your concern. What does your DP do when his son kicks off? The staying over issue of your DP going to bed with his son won't be forever. I'm assuming overnights don't happen that often?

Sounds like a typical 6 year old to me, you don’t have to love the kid but it sounds like you can barely stand them.

You're not unreasonable not to love him but you don't have to love him. You have to find a way to work it though whether just liking him, being nice, speaking to your partner about his behaviour or even limiting your time with him.

Did he enjoy the day out when the tantrum was over?

He just sounds attention seeking it happens when parents split up and move on (and when they don't)

That's my idea of hell I feel for you! Can you maybe find something that you and him enjoy doing together?

You don't have to love him, but you need to accept that he will always (rightly) be a huge part of your DPs life, and you're likely to spend a fair amount of time with him.

@BananaPB

Do you want children with him? Imagine trying to raise you child with a man who parents like this. Even worse when he parents your child normally but allows his oldest to behave like this.

A man who looks after his child half the time? Takes him out for days out, tells him no to consoles and screen time when he’s had enough (even if it results in a tantrum) and makes sure he feels secure at night to go to sleep as opposed to just shutting the door if he’s crying or scared… ? I’m not saying his parenting is perfect but what red flags exactly are there in the OP’s statement about how this man is as a parent?

Imo walk away op... He won't get less demanding...
Some people aren't cut out to be a sm. I bloody hated it...

He spends the night every Friday and the day Saturday.
My dp tells him off when he had a tantrum and tries to get him to eat different things. But it's tricky because when I make a meal at home, he doesn't even attempt it. Just goes "ew. I hate that". So there are 2 different meals always being made. My dp and his ex split up about 5 years ago so this isn't a new thing.
He's just so rude too. He will only say hello if prompted, he barges into our room without knocking. I have to lock the door if I'm trying to get dressed as he just walks in and stands there.

@BananaPB

Do you want children with him? Imagine trying to raise you child with a man who parents like this. Even worse when he parents your child normally but allows his oldest to behave like this.

Parents my child? What?

Sounds like a typical 6 Yr old to me too, it's a particularly shit age imo. He's not necessarily spoilt, it sounds like your DP is very empathetic which is great. He'll grow out of it, you just need to decide if its worth the wait. At that age, focus on the positives (if there are any)... if you want to bond with him, tell a few fart jokes 😉 he might be struggling with the set up of separated parents too.

Doesn’t sound like a normal 6 year old at all. I’ve had two step kids be that age, I’d have been appalled if they behaved like that as, far more importantly, would their dad…

You’re never going to like everyone you meet. That’s okay. I don’t like this boy from what you’ve said. And I don’t rate your partner much either.

I think love can take time. You probably didn't love your partner from the moment you met him - the love has probably grown through getting to know each other and sharing experiences.

So, maybe spend time getting to know his son. What does he like to do, to eat, to watch on TV? Try sharing those things with him (even nuggets and pizza). Once you know him better as a person, you may well find yourself liking him better, and that bond can then grow.

He may also be struggling with sharing his dad with someone else, so giving them time together is important - at 6 years old he's still quite young and will have limited ways to manage and express his feelings. You could also look for ways to be involved in routines or activities where you're feeling excluded; eg if they're both going up to bed, maybe you could go with them for a little bit (maybe to read a story together) or take them a snack, something that shows you care and want to be there for them both without coming between them or being a replacement for his mum. If he can see you as a friendly and safe person, that can go a long way towards building a better relationship.

Sounds like a normal 6 year old. And many families end up making separate meals as the children won’t eat what the adults eat - it’s best not to make any issue out of it whatsoever and just offer something they’ll eat and offer some of yours as well. It’s annoying but it’s really not worth the energy being upset over things like that. (My son now aged 9 has autism and has a very restrictive diet - he’s under a dietician - and I don’t think we’ve ever all eaten the same things)!

I don’t think you need to love him but just be kind. They’re only small for a very small time really.

He sounds like a typical 6 yr old, try and be a kind friend to him and let his dad deal with the fussiness.
Also try and limit your eye rolling and sighing, if your dp only sees him 1 night and day a week it will probably impact on that if there is an atmosphere every time he tell you your home made lasagne looks gross😁
You don’t need to love him but try really hard to find something you like about him.

Thanks all.

I've really tried with him. I've always got his fave food and snacks in. I've organised trips I know he'll like. I've got him little gifts.
It's just like he doesn't care. All he wants to do constantly is sit playing his device. Or on my dps phone. My dp takes it off him and makes him do other stuff but he sulks. Then I hear him telling his mom when she collects him that he was bored because all he did was play his game

So he gets one day a week with his dad? And you get every other night to yourselves? So one day of making two meals and one night of your partner coming down a bit later than usual?

You are describing perfectly normal six year old behaviour, but add in the fact that this boy doesn't get to see his dad for days on end and it's probably true that he's a bit hyper and ott because he's excited about spending time with him.

I honestly don't mean this in a mean way, but I don't think you are cut out for step parenting if this kind of stuff is bothering you now - it sounds as though you resent the time he gets to spend with his dad and have unrealistically high expectations of his behaviour which will make all of you miserable in the long run.

Way too much tech imo. Should be a treat not the norm at 6.....

You don't have to love him. You just have to be kind to him and accept that he comes with your partner.
Some people decide to end a relationship if they really cannot be a step parent. Maybe that's something you need to consider because this boy will always be in his dad's life and home very regularly and if that's not going to work for you it's better to decide early

@DysmalRadius

So he gets one day a week with his dad? And you get every other night to yourselves? So one day of making two meals and one night of your partner coming down a bit later than usual?

You are describing perfectly normal six year old behaviour, but add in the fact that this boy doesn't get to see his dad for days on end and it's probably true that he's a bit hyper and ott because he's excited about spending time with him.

I honestly don't mean this in a mean way, but I don't think you are cut out for step parenting if this kind of stuff is bothering you now - it sounds as though you resent the time he gets to spend with his dad and have unrealistically high expectations of his behaviour which will make all of you miserable in the long run.

No. He also sees him throughout the week. Eg picks up from school or has dinner with him. He stays round one night. I'm not resentful. I'm sick of the tantrums and the whining

@DysmalRadius

So he gets one day a week with his dad? And you get every other night to yourselves? So one day of making two meals and one night of your partner coming down a bit later than usual?

You are describing perfectly normal six year old behaviour, but add in the fact that this boy doesn't get to see his dad for days on end and it's probably true that he's a bit hyper and ott because he's excited about spending time with him.

I honestly don't mean this in a mean way, but I don't think you are cut out for step parenting if this kind of stuff is bothering you now - it sounds as though you resent the time he gets to spend with his dad and have unrealistically high expectations of his behaviour which will make all of you miserable in the long run.

It's also not "coming down later". He will go up there and have to stay up there with him. His son sleeps perfectly fine by himself at home and at other places. But he acts up when he's here. He refuses to sleep

You don't have to love him. You just have to be kind to him and accept that he comes with your partner.

Agree with the kind bit, but he sounds like the sort of spoilt little brat that my ex-BF's son was (probably still is, don't know, walked out of it!)

Only ate hotdogs and other crap. Would throw other food on the floor if it was put in front of him. Couldn't use cutlery. Screamed the place down if he didn't get his own way. Just wanted to play Sonic the bloody hedgehog all day every day. Had to sleep with Daddy every night. Or another scream-fest.

And my ex used to let him get away with everything. I wouldn't say it destroyed our relationship as there was plenty of other crap going on, but I definitely lost a lot of respect for him as a person and a parent. I left when the son was 6. Have had no contact with either of them since.

Sounds like you've tried your best but it's not going to work unless your DO raises his parenting skills a LOT.