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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to love my dp's son

177 replies

candlemakermom · 17/10/2021 16:15

Hi all.

Basically what the title says. I can't warm to my DPs son. We've been together for 2 and a half years and he's involved a lot in his sons life which I love. But I just don't like him very much. He's 6 He's spoilt, whiny and cries over the smallest thing. For example, we decided to have a day out a few weeks back. We booked to go to an amusement park and on the day my dp explained to his son we were not having any devices for the day. He cried. For ages. Stomped his feet and was miserable. He refuses to eat anything but chicken nuggets, fries or pizza. When he stays over he won't go to sleep unless my dp stays in the bed with him which means that I'm sat downstairs alone for the whole evening. He pulls a grumpy face whenever he doesn't get his own way and he constantly demands stuff. It's all so draining. I love my dp but I just don't know how I'm supposed to love this boy too?

OP posts:
LoveGrooveDanceParty · 17/10/2021 19:36

@SunshineCake1

Bloody hell if you think this is how most six year olds behave.
No, most are not, but it’s well within the realms of normal.

And, I’d say, especially so for kids living between two homes, one of which I’m sure he gets a strong vibe that he’s not all that welcome at, from one of the adults well and truly enconsced there.

A bit of empathy doesn’t go amiss.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2021 19:39

@SunshineCake1

Bloody hell if you think this is how most six year olds behave.
Agreed. So many posters saying this is "typical" six year old behaviour? Since when? Confused
Embroidery · 17/10/2021 19:39

Youve been in his life since he was 3 and a half!
Make more effort to love him or leave.

Youre a damaging influence. I wouldnt want my child to spend every weekend with a person who doesnt love them.

Hes a normal 6yo and 6yos are cute and resilient. Youll hate him more at 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 etc.

Are you actively going for the wicked stepmother stereotype?

Draineddraineddrained · 17/10/2021 19:40

Whole wide world of men out there OP. Why not find one who's kid you don't dislike. Or better yet one who doesn't have a kid at all!

KT727 · 17/10/2021 19:41

You're the adult here. I think even if you don't naturally feel love for him, you can still be kind to him.

He's 6- he's dealing with only seeing his Dad for less than half of the week, he probably can sense that you don't like him (despite trying) very much. He's likely to be very insecure and quite anxious, even if he shows it by being a bit obnoxious.

I think it's fine to set rules with your DP- such as one meal being set for everyone but him being allowed to eat what he likes from it (or leave it) or that he has to say 'please' and won't always get the treats he asks for OR even introducing the naughty step (after an initial warning) for tantrums.

He's still little though- he probably needs his Dad to help him feel secure and then you can work from there at getting his behaviour to be less objectionable.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/10/2021 19:43

This is why I never go out with men with kids. I dont want to be involved with other peoples children.
You've got years of this. Are you sure this relationship is for you.

Opus17 · 17/10/2021 19:44

@thewhatsit agree with your comment.

I see nothing wrong with his parenting either and he seems like a good dad. That post confused me.

Op, I agree with what others have said. You just have to find a way to be kind to him, even if it's difficult. He sounds like a normal 6 year old and your dp sounds like a lovely dad. And I would just enjoy one evening to myself a week! You're with dp every other night so I don't see the big deal there..

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2021 19:45

@Draineddraineddrained

Whole wide world of men out there OP. Why not find one who's kid you don't dislike. Or better yet one who doesn't have a kid at all!
Exactly. Why do this to yourself? Why on earth sign up for all this bullshit and misery?
AliceinBorderland · 17/10/2021 19:47

@HippeePrincess

Sounds like a typical 6 year old to me, you don’t have to love the kid but it sounds like you can barely stand them.
Really? Do many parents get into bed at 7:30-8pm with a 6 year old and let then control a grown adults own bed time?
SaltySeaAir · 17/10/2021 19:50

All I can say is keep trying. He sounds exactly like my six year old at the moment - apart from going to bed easily - thank goodness 😆
He's not spoilt, and I don't give into him. It's just a phase. He can also be adorable, loving and hilarious 🙂 Do you see this side to him as well?You don't have to love him, but if you are going to stay with his dad everyone's life will be better if you can open your heart to him. It does sound like tech might be a problem, can you talk to your partner about having some limits set for when he's with you?

Livelovebehappy · 17/10/2021 19:51

These threads always make me sad. I was a stepchild and felt very unloved by my dad’s partner. As a result, I grew up disliking her too, and I know it caused my Df a lot of anguish as a result. I hope in 20 years time that you don’t come on here wondering why your dss didnt invite you to his wedding, nor doesn’t involve you in his life. That’s what happened in my situation, and I just didn’t get why step mum was surprised after practically ignoring me for most of my childhood. You’re best to try to develop a good relationship with him at this age, or things will only eat worse as he gets older.

justmaybenot · 17/10/2021 19:51

@BananaPB

Do you want children with him? Imagine trying to raise you child with a man who parents like this. Even worse when he parents your child normally but allows his oldest to behave like this.
What has she said about how he parents?
Oneforthemoneytwo · 17/10/2021 19:52

I didn’t ever get into bed with my kids, couldn’t be doing with that but did have a (long) phase of them up and down like yo-yo’s. They couldn’t sleep / forgot to tell me something / needed a drink etc etc. May have been a bit older but DH would happily avoid tjat by lying on the bed with them, falling asleep and waking up 4 hours later.

I don’t think the OP needs to love the little boy but you can’t have a relationship with a partner and not like their child

Livelovebehappy · 17/10/2021 19:52

*get worse

Cofifeefee · 17/10/2021 20:01

Really? Do many parents get into bed at 7:30-8pm with a 6 year old and let then control a grown adults own bed time?

He's 6! Cut him some slack. I know lots of parents that get into bed with their 6 year old and those children are getting into the same bed every night and are living with their mum and dad.

This child only asks for it one night a week when he's in a house that isn't his own and by the way that OP expects the child to knock before entering rooms, it sounds like he's made well aware that it isn't his home.

That one bedtime a week seems to be the only one on one time that he gets with his dad ... while the grown adult downstairs sulks due to lack of attention.

I am really shocked by the number of posters who refer to children as "spoilt brats" - it's such an unkind term.

OP, do the kid and yourself a favour and leave this relationship. You seem to be a long way from liking him, let alone loving him and if you don't like him after 2.5 years, it's unlikely to get any better.

MamsellMarie · 17/10/2021 20:04

Surely the father is a useless father to have a son who only eats chicken nuggets and plays on his games thing all the time
HE"S 6 FGS

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 17/10/2021 20:09

He knows you don’t like him.

Boatonthehorizon · 17/10/2021 20:10

When my babies were 6, I coslept with them until they were asleep.

User112 · 17/10/2021 20:11

@candlemakermom

He spends the night every Friday and the day Saturday. My dp tells him off when he had a tantrum and tries to get him to eat different things. But it's tricky because when I make a meal at home, he doesn't even attempt it. Just goes "ew. I hate that". So there are 2 different meals always being made. My dp and his ex split up about 5 years ago so this isn't a new thing. He's just so rude too. He will only say hello if prompted, he barges into our room without knocking. I have to lock the door if I'm trying to get dressed as he just walks in and stands there.
Sounds like my 6yr old. You need to be a bit more understanding OP. He is just a little boy.
User112 · 17/10/2021 20:13

@Cofifeefee

Really? Do many parents get into bed at 7:30-8pm with a 6 year old and let then control a grown adults own bed time?

He's 6! Cut him some slack. I know lots of parents that get into bed with their 6 year old and those children are getting into the same bed every night and are living with their mum and dad.

This child only asks for it one night a week when he's in a house that isn't his own and by the way that OP expects the child to knock before entering rooms, it sounds like he's made well aware that it isn't his home.

That one bedtime a week seems to be the only one on one time that he gets with his dad ... while the grown adult downstairs sulks due to lack of attention.

I am really shocked by the number of posters who refer to children as "spoilt brats" - it's such an unkind term.

OP, do the kid and yourself a favour and leave this relationship. You seem to be a long way from liking him, let alone loving him and if you don't like him after 2.5 years, it's unlikely to get any better.

THIS !! 100%
Mumoblue · 17/10/2021 20:19

It’s really disheartening to see so many step parents post about how they dislike their partner’s child. I’m sure it’s not that common but it seems quite common.

IMO, no, if you can’t create a bond with your partner’s kid, the relationship is probably going to be difficult and you’re better off out of it.

I think I must have gotten quite lucky with my stepdad. I was a sullen, withdrawn 10 year old when we met. 20+ years later and he’s more of a dad to me than my real dad.

And as a parent, I would not want to date someone who disliked my child. Obviously there are behaviour issues that need to be addressed, but still.

greendiva · 17/10/2021 20:26

Being a step parent is extremely tough. Having been there, take a step back, stop trying to plan days out for him etc. Leave that to his dad. Leave all the parenting to his dad. He isn't with you for much of the week, rigid contact schedules are wearing though and restrictive. Try and leave them to it as much as you can. As others have said though it probably won't get easier. His not you kid and everyone else's kids besides your own are pretty annoying!

EezyOozy · 17/10/2021 20:26

You expect him to knock before entering rooms ?! He's six. He sounds normal (small children are annoying). If you can't suck it up one night per week you're probably better off out of it.

PurpleOkapi · 17/10/2021 20:26

We've been together for 2 and a half years and he's involved a lot in his sons life which I love. But I just don't like him very much.

Did you just now realize this might be a problem?

Kb2942 · 17/10/2021 20:35

You don't have to love him but you need to accept him and accept that all children are different! Quite frankly I don't think what his son eats or his sleeping routine has anything to do with you.

I have a son. My sons dad has a partner who seems to despise my son (it's plain obvious). Ds doesn't deserve it, he has sen and isn't the easiest child but she knew that when she met my ex!