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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be able to love my dp's son

177 replies

candlemakermom · 17/10/2021 16:15

Hi all.

Basically what the title says. I can't warm to my DPs son. We've been together for 2 and a half years and he's involved a lot in his sons life which I love. But I just don't like him very much. He's 6 He's spoilt, whiny and cries over the smallest thing. For example, we decided to have a day out a few weeks back. We booked to go to an amusement park and on the day my dp explained to his son we were not having any devices for the day. He cried. For ages. Stomped his feet and was miserable. He refuses to eat anything but chicken nuggets, fries or pizza. When he stays over he won't go to sleep unless my dp stays in the bed with him which means that I'm sat downstairs alone for the whole evening. He pulls a grumpy face whenever he doesn't get his own way and he constantly demands stuff. It's all so draining. I love my dp but I just don't know how I'm supposed to love this boy too?

OP posts:

HayzCo · 17/10/2021 20:40

I think you need to grow up yourself. He’s 6, and having to put up with you all the time. Get a grip

Kb2942 · 17/10/2021 20:47

Kdis can pick up on things. Maybe he senses you don't like him much... kids aren't stupid. I've had similar with Ds and his stepmum. Ds has asked me questions about her and how she doesn't like him around.. he knows... his dad doesn't see it though. She hates having Ds around, it's obvious.

It's perfectly valid to feel like you do. Sometimes my own kids drive me potty and I feel like I can't go on but his sons behaviour does not sound out the unusual. Many 6 year olds are picky eaters, need comfort from an adult going to sleep, addicted to their iPads and test the boundaries. That is just kids!!

At 6 my son needed someone to lie with him going sleep!

He could be missing his mum!

He may be picking up negativity from you'

He may be feeling jealous. 2 years isn't all that long to be in someone's life.

I would suggest maybe some 1:1 time with his dad but in my sons case it left him questioning why he wasn't allowed to visit his daddy's house. His dads partner didn't want Ds there disrupting her babies routine.... he hasn't been to their house for years.

Quite frankly it has nothing to do with you how much screen time he gets or his fussy eating.

teaandpastries · 17/10/2021 20:52

FFS he's being a 6 year old.
They are noisy, full of energy, smelly and don't behave like adults.

If you find that hard to cope with you should get out of this child's life as all he will be sensing from you is disapproval and dislike.

These are his formative years and his parents have separated.

You, quite rightly are way down the line in importance.

You should think very carefully about having your own children as you don't seem to have much patience or compassion for them.

furbabymama87 · 17/10/2021 21:02

I think it depends. I met my husband when my children were babies and toddlers and then we had one together. They only remember him being in their life and he's their dad in every way except blood. So if I found he didn't love them like as he does his biological child I wouldn't be able to get past it. But your situation sounds different. If he's not living with you and it's only once a week it's a different situation. Maybe your feelings will change over time.

gah2teenagers · 17/10/2021 21:02

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QueenBee52 · 18/10/2021 01:34

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Springplanting · 18/10/2021 02:15

I think you need to grow up yourself. He’s 6, and having to put up with you all the time. Get a grip

You can get another boyfriend. He's 6, he can't get another Dad.

Springplanting · 18/10/2021 02:17

@HayzCo sorry my post was aimed at OP.

1forAll74 · 18/10/2021 02:21

I think with a child of this age, you should be able to talk to him about silly tantrums, and other irritating behaviour, such as being able to go to bed without his Father having to go with him. The longer you let these things happen, they will keep on happening.

It's not a bad thing, to try and instill a few little rules for a child to follow, in the long run, it will be better for everyone, it just takes time to do this.

shakehandswithdanger · 18/10/2021 02:26

Yes, children will be children, but a six-year-old can definitely be a brat, no matter how sad it may make someone to hear it. I wouldn't say it to the child himself, but I'd recognise the fact that the child was being a brat.

Also, not every six-year-old is as unruly as this child sounds. I wasn't allowed to act that way. Neither were/are a great many other children. Being a child doesn't mean you have to be an unholy terror or a constant source of irritation to the adults around you.

OP, it's not always easy to like, much less love, all children, even if we feel we "should". He might improve as he gets older. At least your partner hasn't completely given up on the concept of parenting his son, though it does sound as though he's not doing a wonderful job of setting and keeping reasonable rules.

SammyScrounge · 18/10/2021 02:43

He is only a little boy going through a hard time. He clings to his Dad at night for security - common enough when a child is caught up in a divorce. I think you should stay out of it. The tantrums are likely his way of expressing his rage at the divorce and his confused emotions about his Dad.
Let DP sort it out. His son is important to him, as he should be, and eventually there will be a settling down between them.Try not to criticise or pass judgement - be ready to lend support to DP.

Kanaloa · 18/10/2021 02:46

@1forAll74

It's not a bad thing, to try and instill a few little rules for a child to follow, in the long run, it will be better for everyone, it just takes time to do this.

Why is it silly behaviour to want his dad next to him on the one night a week they see each other? He can go six nights without his dad next to him, I’m sure op can manage one evening alone. His dad doesn’t find it a problem so it isn’t for op to say because it irritates her it needs to stop.

EmbarrassingMama · 18/10/2021 02:52

Why don’t you go out?

Doesn’t sound like you’re bringing very much to the table with your attitude problem and unrealistic expectations. Poor little boy.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 18/10/2021 03:12

I think with a child of this age, you should be able to talk to him about silly tantrums, and other irritating behaviour, such as being able to go to bed without his Father having to go with him.

‘Irritating behaviour’? He’s a little boy.

When DD was this age, she went through a long period of needing me with her to fall asleep, and she didn’t have anything disruptive going on in her home life. I remember being exactly the same when I was little, so I got it.

DS never went through such a thing - children are different and have different needs.

I have always said that I would never go out with a man who had children because I’m not cut out for it - I don’t have what it takes to be a good step-parent. But honestly? I think maybe I do have more of what it takes than some people on this thread.

StoppinBy · 18/10/2021 03:23

Sounds like a version of normal. Even as parents it wears us down but we still love our kids which makes the difference.

I am sorry but you need to either be more accepting or move on as expecting a 6 year old to stop being whiny or thinking he is rude for doing normal things is unreasonable of you.

If you ever have your own children I think you may have a bit of an eye opener lol.

CodeMode · 18/10/2021 03:27

Poor kid. He sounds quite unhappy. His dad needs to sort out why that is. You’re not coming across well.

CheekyHobson · 18/10/2021 03:42

Whether or not the kid is a 'normal' six year old boy doesn't change the fact that his behaviour is objectively challenging, not the fact that your partner and his son come as a package.

You're not required to love your partner's son, but if you love your partner and want a relationship with him, you have to accept that this may just be who your partner's kid is, and he's part of the deal.

Does your partner agree that his son's behaviour is challenging? Does he want to change it? If so, has he sought help with changing it - reading parenting books, going to a course, seeing a child psych, talking to his GP about the rather restricted eating? If your partner doesn't agree that anything needs to change, and you can't accept the way he parents, that's your real long-term issue.

Pea22ches · 18/10/2021 03:48

Maybe your DP Son isn't fond of you either OP. Maybe this explains his behaviour? Could you try leaving your DP to it for the Friday night?

I think another poster was asking you how would you cope if you had kids with your DP? You said he's rude a d just barges in your room..

olympicsrock · 18/10/2021 04:13

Sounds like my 6 year old son who is anguish ans insecure. Prefers screen time to all else, winged about going out, very restricted food choices and won’t try new things. Comes down constantly saying he can’t sleep and wants to sleep with me for comfort. Often looks/ says he is unhappy.

My child doesn’t have the challenges of separated parents / dad’s partner, sleeping in different places.

You need to give him a break . Think dad needs to put him first and perhaps not stay at yours, be with you so much on his contact weekends.

GrandmaAli · 18/10/2021 05:02

@candlemakermom

Thanks all.

I've really tried with him. I've always got his fave food and snacks in. I've organised trips I know he'll like. I've got him little gifts.
It's just like he doesn't care. All he wants to do constantly is sit playing his device. Or on my dps phone. My dp takes it off him and makes him do other stuff but he sulks. Then I hear him telling his mom when she collects him that he was bored because all he did was play his game

He's playing you off against each other, and he's winning!! So what if he only eats chicken nuggets? Give him them but also just ask would he like cucumber with them, or tomatoes, would he like anything with them? If he tries something else with them then he could have a pudding - but don't offer that until he's finished the nuggets & whatever! Tell him he can play the tablet or phone at certain times, like an hour after dinner. But try to catch his interest in other things. Do you have board games at yours that he could play with you? Can you make a tent out of table, chairs and old sheets? Do you have a garden, maybe you could get some childrens books on what can be seen outside that he could look out for! Do you get on with his mum? If so bring her inside for a cuppa and a chat next time she drops him off/collects him and tell her what he's like at yours (so he can hear) and ask if he's the same at home or at grandparents? Ask for her advice as she does have him the majority of the time!

lentilsandeggs · 18/10/2021 07:45

Op six is an age where children are very receptive to structure which can help immensely.

If your partner’s son likes screens (what kid doesn’t?!) then you can encourage your partner establish a rhythm where the child knows when in the day he gets screen time.
It’s pretty normal for bedtime to still take ages. My DSD is 8 and is addicted to her bedtime story with her dad and it’s lovely one to one time for them. Don’t worry - bedtime will naturally evolve. Eg She now gets to keep the light on so she can read for her selves for a few minutes after he leaves.

Fussy eating is very frustrating. One small idea - I find carrot sticks handed to a kid who is glued to a screen get eaten. With your partner try to find one or two meals that appeal to him and stick with those for a while.
And if not - while my DSD was being super tricky about food I stepped away from cooking duties. I do still find it annoying to eat food orientated towards a child but that won’t be forever.

You don’t have to love your partner’s child but you do need to feel warm / kindly towards him. He’s still little - try to remember that. If you can’t get there then you maybe need to consider if you are in the right relationship.

JaneDoe21 · 18/10/2021 07:56

As if most 6 year olds behave this way. What a load of rubbish.

Sounds like he's picking up your bad vibes about him. Sounds like this relationship is doomed.

RantyAunty · 18/10/2021 08:16

I would go out for the day by yourself and enjoy it.

Banning devices while he's there is a good idea too.

chocolatemademefat · 18/10/2021 08:17

If you have a child of your own in the future I’m sure you’ll reach a different understanding of your stepson. Of course he wants his dad to himself for a bit - he doesn’t spend a lot of time with him.

He’s six - he’s building a relationship with a mostly absent parent. One night a week shouldn’t be too difficult for you to fill amusing yourself while his dad puts him to bed. Kids are good at picking up signals - if you’re resentful of the attention he’s getting he’ll pick up on it. Most kids love technology - he’s not clinging to it to annoy you. I’m sure his mum will have the same difficulties getting him to do other things.

When we don’t have our own children our ideals can be a bit high. Maybe he’s pushing the boundaries with you but that’s what children do. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but I do think you should look for positives in the child and try to find a middle ground if you want your relationship with your partner to be a good one.

femfemlicious · 18/10/2021 08:28

People who dont have kids and are never really around kids have a hard time spending long periods with them. They have an unrealistic idea of how children should behave. Its all a shock to the system how awful young kids can be

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