Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to love my dp's son

177 replies

candlemakermom · 17/10/2021 16:15

Hi all.

Basically what the title says. I can't warm to my DPs son. We've been together for 2 and a half years and he's involved a lot in his sons life which I love. But I just don't like him very much. He's 6 He's spoilt, whiny and cries over the smallest thing. For example, we decided to have a day out a few weeks back. We booked to go to an amusement park and on the day my dp explained to his son we were not having any devices for the day. He cried. For ages. Stomped his feet and was miserable. He refuses to eat anything but chicken nuggets, fries or pizza. When he stays over he won't go to sleep unless my dp stays in the bed with him which means that I'm sat downstairs alone for the whole evening. He pulls a grumpy face whenever he doesn't get his own way and he constantly demands stuff. It's all so draining. I love my dp but I just don't know how I'm supposed to love this boy too?

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 17/10/2021 16:53

Do you have children yourself? Because tantrums and whining feature quite heavily in many kids.
They really are tiny little arseholes at times 🤣

Bobbiethemouse · 17/10/2021 16:53

I think if you love your partner to just have to tolerate the boy and be kind. You don’t have to love or even like him

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/10/2021 16:54

DP not DO. Sorry, typo!

00100001 · 17/10/2021 16:56

"Parents my child? What?"

As in, if you have kids together with this man, what makes you think he'll do things differently with your child?

Goawaymorningsickeness · 17/10/2021 17:00

He’s a little boy, you’re the adult. Honestly this relationship is doomed if you can’t get you head around this little boy and understand the challenges that children bring. He will know full well that you don’t like him. He will, and should, always come first to your partner.

Onelifeonly · 17/10/2021 17:02

Seems a bit harsh to blame the child's behaviour on the father here. He may have undiagnosed SEN. He may behave like this with his mother and find it hard to adjust to being with dad. He may be feeling very insecure at his dad's place. He may sense that OP doesn't like him or finds him annoying.

OP have you any experience with children yourself? People who don't often find a child's poor behaviour difficult or irritating. Even when you have your own, kids can be very annoying! Most people have a bond and a commitment that helps them see it through when the going gets tough.

I guess you either have to make that commitment or reconsider your relationship. Because at 6 there are many more parenting years left. OTOH 6 year olds get older and problems pass and new ones develop - he may become more charming or easier to relate to if you hold on in there. But it's up to you and if you consider your relationship is worth it.

mountbattenbergcake · 17/10/2021 17:03

YABU, it’s one night a week. Let DP get in with it.

Children can sense when adults aren’t being genuine with them.

Mooster62 · 17/10/2021 17:03

All children can be difficult and whinny. You don't have to live him, just be kind to him. Perhaps stop trying to do so much to please him, he knows he gets his own way with his father so you don't have to suggest stuff all the time. What is the relationship like between his parents? Does he come to your house reluctantly or is he happy to?

converseandjeans · 17/10/2021 17:03

He sounds like he could do with some time 1-1 with his Dad. Can't you go out and do something else?

Also the food could be similar to my DS. We've tried so many tactics but he has a very restricted diet. I would be upset if someone felt this way about him.

I don't think it's fair for you to stay with DP if you clearly dislike his DS so much.

Cactus1982 · 17/10/2021 17:05

Sounds like every six year old I’ve ever met. Most of them are fussy eaters, spend too much time on devices and want their parents to stay with them while they fall asleep. He and your DP comes as a package so you need to accept that or end the relationship.

nimbuscloud · 17/10/2021 17:06

The screen addiction needs to be tackled by both his parents. Would they agree to a complete removal of screens for a prolonged period of time?

Pigeontown · 17/10/2021 17:08

Oh my.
Of course he's not a brat. He's a 6 year old.
I feel so sad that many people are saying that. And he has to divide his time between 2 houses. 2 rules.
Look, you don't like him. Guess what? He probably doesn't like you. Seriously. Children aren't thick. They can tell when they're not wanted or liked. They then act up. He will be well able to tell that even though you make an effort you aren't doing it naturally and can't wait for him to go. That won't make him behave better. You don't need to be a child psychologist to know that. I've only read a few words from you and can tell you aren't a naturally kind person if you were you'd be seeking different advice. Instead you want random Internet people to confirm he's the spawn of satan. You sound self centred too. Or maybe you're struggling. People without kids generally have ridiculous ideas of what kids should be like. I was like this myself. Just back off biting, chill and it'll all become a lot easier.
Yes lots of 6 year olds need parents to lie with then to get to sleep. Most people have 1 child who does this for some of the time. I doubt he'll only be eating nuggets and asking to co-sleep when he's 10 and that's only 3-4 years off!

Chamomileteaplease · 17/10/2021 17:08

It's hard to say without meeting the boy whether he is really a pain or not but he does sound it!

I think there are two issues here - one is your dp's parenting. If the mum is rubbish at discipline and boundaries then it can be an uphill battle but the boy is old enough to understand that there are different rules for different h ouses. You would hope that with consistent strong and loving parenting from your dp would encourage good behaviour from the child so it's hard to know what's going wrong here. What do you think of his parenting?

Also, if the boy only sleeps over one night a week and he is tricky I would think that you shouldn't be there. Let the dad parent his child and give him one to one attention for a while longer. If you live together then of course this is tricky ........

bluebeck · 17/10/2021 17:12

Why do you think you have to love him?

Why is it you cooking two meals? What is DP doing in all this? I would let the faddy eating go, it's fairly normal at that age, but the rudeness isn't.

As usual, you have a DP problem and as a PP said, you need to think about whether you want to live like this long term? If you had your own DC with him, you would forever be cast as "bad cop/fun police" and I can tell you that wears thin. It would also be grating if he parents your joint DC differently from his older DS.

This sounds very irritating and I would probably call it a day. But then I have very little patience with Disney Dads.

GoodnightGrandma · 17/10/2021 17:13

If you’re not fond of him now, imagine what it will be like when he’s a teenager !

ChrissyPlummer · 17/10/2021 17:14

I left a relationship as I couldn’t deal with my partners DC. He allowed them to treat me like crap, get away with anything etc. and they were a lot older than 6. A lot of parents who don’t see their DC all the time do this.

He (my exP) went out of his way to do the exact opposite to his EXW; if she said only one hour of screens for example, he’d allow unlimited. I wouldn’t tolerate tantrums at 6 and he does sound like he has way too much screen time for that age.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 17/10/2021 17:15

Let his parents worry about his screen time and diet , stop trying so hard . Go out for the day !
Sounds like a normal 6 year old.
I mean this in the kindest way , don't try to parent him. It's too much pressure, sometimes I struggle to like my own son when he's got the devil in him !
Your role is family friend / auntie , you may find this improve with that in mind

Suzi888 · 17/10/2021 17:17

Typical six year old, they can be stroppy. Waaaay too much time on devices by the sound of it.

Do you play games? That’s a good way to get them off devices… anyway you don’t have to live him, just be kind.

Classicblunder · 17/10/2021 17:19

This weekend, I feel like this about my own 5 year old.

Your feelings are perfectly reasonable. What wouldn't be reasonable is acting on them if you want to stay with your boyfriend. In your position, I would leave them to it at least some of the time - if you only saw him every couple of weeks, it would probably be a lot easier.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/10/2021 17:19

Why do YOU have to be there?

Sounds dull as fuck to me - go out with your mates or to the cinema, take up a class on a Saturday

The kid has 2 parents, you're not needed to be around. I'd never go to a theme park now.

Go out and enjoy yourself at least half the weekends or you're just going to resent this (totally normal whiny little fucker) Thanks

Mancity100 · 17/10/2021 17:20

Can tell you don't have your own kids

Maybe he needs his dad to goto sleep in a house which is not his home or he misses him that much and wants him next to him

Restlessinthenorth · 17/10/2021 17:22

Been there and I'm glad I'm out of it. The thing is, all the things people are saying doesn't matter absolutely will, especially if you plan to have kids with this man. I've tried two sets of rules/behaviours and my kids suffered for it. The constant Disney dad routine really isn't fair on other children in the home who have to actually behave themselves.

I lost complete respect for my O/H after numerous awful days out and stressful weekends, just like you describe. The thought of having to do an overseas holiday with his daughter next year was the last straw.

Get out if you feel this way, it honestly won't get better. Take it from someone who has really tried!

Maskedstranger · 17/10/2021 17:23

He sounds unhappy. He could be reacting to feeling disliked by you, he could be feeling unconfident / jealous / missing his mum (the bedtime things suggests he feels insecure at your house). You are the adult, and it sounds like you have unrealistic expectations of a 6yo.
Time to do some soul-searching. Do you want to put the work in to be part of a more functional family? Can you step right back and just let your DP and DSS do their thing during the visits, without adding your expectations to the mix?

Hedgehog123 · 17/10/2021 17:27

He’s 6. I think the thing that stands out for me is that you resent that his dad helps a SIX year old go off to sleep once a week in a bed that he only sleeps in once a week - this is normal parenting snd not something to resent - it’s just how it is and it’s important kids feel safe. You may not love him but his dad does and wants him to go to sleep happy. He is a normal loving dad and the child is normal. Do you have kids? As someone said previously people without children have wildly unrealistic expectations of children and judge them accordingly.

CantBeAssed · 17/10/2021 17:27

Not a totally normal 6yr old... totally normal spoilt brat 6yr old....take a back seat and I agree with pp...take yourself out for a night out one of the nights he stays...might make the other night more tolerable..Grin

Swipe left for the next trending thread