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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not be able to love my dp's son

177 replies

candlemakermom · 17/10/2021 16:15

Hi all.

Basically what the title says. I can't warm to my DPs son. We've been together for 2 and a half years and he's involved a lot in his sons life which I love. But I just don't like him very much. He's 6 He's spoilt, whiny and cries over the smallest thing. For example, we decided to have a day out a few weeks back. We booked to go to an amusement park and on the day my dp explained to his son we were not having any devices for the day. He cried. For ages. Stomped his feet and was miserable. He refuses to eat anything but chicken nuggets, fries or pizza. When he stays over he won't go to sleep unless my dp stays in the bed with him which means that I'm sat downstairs alone for the whole evening. He pulls a grumpy face whenever he doesn't get his own way and he constantly demands stuff. It's all so draining. I love my dp but I just don't know how I'm supposed to love this boy too?

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 17/10/2021 17:28

Do you think you you might need to reconsider this relationship?

The kid sounds like a fairly typical 6 year old. Not that all 6 year olds are like that, but many of them are. Your lack of love for him isn’t unusual but it’s unlikely to get better. There will always be something that grates. He’s going to need and demand his dad’s attention for at least another 12 years at some point more than he does now and sporadically after that too. You’ve been trying to love the boy for 2 years and it’s not working.

Where can you really take this relationship that isn’t unfair and frustrating for either you or for the child?

VladmirsPoutine · 17/10/2021 17:30

He's 6. Hopefully your partner catches on to your attitude and ends the relationship. I can't imagine being a relationship with someone who resented my child.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 17/10/2021 17:30

I would say he sounds like a typical 4 year old, not 6 year old. Both mine and some friends kids were exactly like this at 4 but had grown out of it by 6.
The sleeping thing is awkward though as he is only with you once a week and I think you should suck it up though it is irritating.
Overall if you really dislike him this much I think you should seriously consider your relationship with your partner. It doesn’t seem like it will get better and it’s not fair on any of you.

SapatSea · 17/10/2021 17:31

I'd just back off.Let him have his pizza. Let your DP take him out for the day. Go high and don't try to make the DC like you. The child is only 6 he can't articulate or properly understand his feeling, why he tantrums, why he'll tell his mum he was bored and played his game the whole time (perhaps he picks up on her feelings towards you both). He's only little, he wants his dad all to himself.

YourFinestPantaloons · 17/10/2021 17:31

Here's a secret you're not supposed to say out loud: it's perfectly fine not to love, or even LIKE, stepchildren. Just treat them kindly, without taking any nonsense. Like would a friends' kid.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2021 17:34

I would be running for the hills if I were you. As quickly as possible.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 17/10/2021 17:36

Why should he like you and be beautifully behaved when you so clearly don't like him? He knows you don't like him, kids can see right through a fake. Hope his dad sees it too.

andweallsingalong · 17/10/2021 17:38

Have you tried banning devices at your house. DD would behave like you describe if over stimulated with too much screen time.

BurntO · 17/10/2021 17:39

He’s only 6. You don’t sound compatible or understanding of children and he has a child. I don’t think this relationship will work.

QuestionEverythingBaby · 17/10/2021 17:39

@00100001

"Parents my child? What?"

As in, if you have kids together with this man, what makes you think he'll do things differently with your child?

Imo lots of Dads that have separated from their kid's mum let their kids get away with murder because they feel guilty. It was certainly true in my case. I don't envy you one bit OP.

Pp said about wait till he's a teenager but my SS actually got better as he got older. Not so bratty lol.

DarlingFell · 17/10/2021 17:43

Been there, done that, etc etc. It won’t get better, it’ll just drive a wedge between you and your DP. This is why I said never again to dating men with kids after my last experience. Relationships are often hard enough, add in the complications of exes always on the scene and children that will likely have issues because their parents have split up, just no. Life is too short. I feel for you, OP

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/10/2021 17:44

He’s a little boy, you’re the adult. Honestly this relationship is doomed if you can’t get your head around this little boy and understand the challenges that children bring. He will know full well you don’t like him. He will, and should, always come first to your partner.

This. Exactly.

Why are you there when his ds is around? Do you live together or something? It sounds as though he needs time with his dad when you’re not around.

At 6 my dd’s diet was still pretty limited. I never forced her to eat stuff she didn’t like. The screwing up the nose and ewwww etc is totally normal at this age. At 13, she’s learnt to be far more tactful but still very far from being an adult.

At 6 my dd co slept with me. She didn’t when she was younger but is a sensitive child and needed me then. It doesn’t matter what your dss does at his mum’s. Your dss doesn’t feel secure for whatever reason and you are the interloper, not him. I don’t understand why you’re so upset about having to be alone. This is the adult version of the 8 year old’s tantrums. Stop competing with him for attention.

You have had a couple of years to understand how it is to be this little boy. Perhaps he is a bit young for his age. Give him time. He’s closer in age to a baby than a teenager. And stop expecting behaviour which is far beyond he years.

YourFinestPantaloons · 17/10/2021 17:44

@BurntO

He’s only 6. You don’t sound compatible or understanding of children and he has a child. I don’t think this relationship will work.
Wait so of a woman doesn't pander you her OH's spoilt brat of a child they're not compatible Hmm

Feel for you OP. Step parents almost never win!

CatsArePeople · 17/10/2021 17:46

You need to walk away from this. It will not get better. Because if you have a child together, you both will only resent each other even more.

BurntO · 17/10/2021 17:49

@YourFinestPantaloons step parents never win? OP literally says she doesn’t like the child. It’s obviously not gonna work

CatsArePeople · 17/10/2021 17:49

The kid seems like a fairly normal 6yo, + separation of parents takes its toll. But OP is just not ready to take this on.

Staffy1 · 17/10/2021 17:54

Find another DP. His son could do without someone who doesn’t like/love him in his life.

OhWhyNot · 17/10/2021 17:58

Seems like the feeling is mutual

But he is acting out on his feelings

I would try abs give them time completely to themselves he may feel it’s unfair that you have his dad all the time

butterpuffed · 17/10/2021 17:59

So nasty, posters calling this child a brat when they don't even know him.

Ledition · 17/10/2021 18:01

I'm on the fence, I think DC of separated parents who are going to and fro deserve more patience than other children, it's very tough for them even if they're otherwise happy. He probably misses his dad a lot and it sounds like he's had shakey boundaries so will naturally keep on pushing them. There's a lack of consistency between what happens in both houses and that's unsettling for a child as they like to know where the lines are. A six year old playing on "his device" all the time? What on earth is that?! I'm no martyr parent but I have a 5yo and she doesn't know what a "device" is?? Do you mean iPad or what?

Anyway I sympathise with you because I imagine it's not fun to be around a child you can't warm to but this is the reason I couldn't be with someone with young children, these dramas are commonplace the child almost always causes friction between the couples I know in these situations. Seems miserable all round. Is he worth it?

skippink · 17/10/2021 18:01

He sounds like a typical 6 year old!

BiLuminous · 17/10/2021 18:03

It all sounds like typical things of his age. If you can't handle it then walk away because what's the alternative?

Fashionesta · 17/10/2021 18:03

Totally normal 6 year old and fwiw my 8 yr old is still a whiny, fussy eating, rude little person at times. Also won't fall asleep on their own as scared of monsters and the dark!

Sounds like your DP is doing a good job, not easy if the boy has been moving between two homes since he was one.

I dated someone who thought my DD was whiny and rude. They are no longer my DP.

In your defense I do think it is hard to like other people's kids when they are at this age. This is why I stay single until DD is a bit older.

I think you have two options. Leave and find someone who doesn't have kids or step back a bit from the intensity of this relationship and let your DP parent his child and maybe revisit when he gets a bit older. Sounds like your DP is giving his son a great secure base by lying down with him to sleep etc. 6 is still so young. Shame on the people here calling him a brat.

MissChanandlerBong81 · 17/10/2021 18:04

You don’t have to love him. But if you want to stay in this relationship you need to accept that this isn’t hugely unusual behaviour for a 6 year old (children aren’t easy) and figure out a way of tolerating him - even if that means leaving the house once a week. Either that or you accept that you aren’t cut out to be in a relationship with someone who already has a child. And that’s fine - lots of people aren’t.

Just10moreminutesplease · 17/10/2021 18:04

Not loving your stepchild is ok. Actively disliking them is not.

Your partner has far more responsibility towards his son than he does to you and he should end the relationship under these circumstances.