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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to love my dp's son

177 replies

candlemakermom · 17/10/2021 16:15

Hi all.

Basically what the title says. I can't warm to my DPs son. We've been together for 2 and a half years and he's involved a lot in his sons life which I love. But I just don't like him very much. He's 6 He's spoilt, whiny and cries over the smallest thing. For example, we decided to have a day out a few weeks back. We booked to go to an amusement park and on the day my dp explained to his son we were not having any devices for the day. He cried. For ages. Stomped his feet and was miserable. He refuses to eat anything but chicken nuggets, fries or pizza. When he stays over he won't go to sleep unless my dp stays in the bed with him which means that I'm sat downstairs alone for the whole evening. He pulls a grumpy face whenever he doesn't get his own way and he constantly demands stuff. It's all so draining. I love my dp but I just don't know how I'm supposed to love this boy too?

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 17/10/2021 18:32

My dd wouldn’t sleep on her own until she was 13. Some kids are more anxious about sleeping than others.

ancientgran · 17/10/2021 18:32

Well OP you're an adult and you sound whinny about spending an evening by yourself. Maybe try a bit of empathy.

Username7521 · 17/10/2021 18:32

Mum and step mum here. Sorry OP but you’ve got a DP problem not a DSC problem.
Look this might sound a bit harsh but leave. No it won’t get better. You fundamentally don’t agree with the way your DP parents. And there are only a couple of things you should agree on with a partner and this is one!

Sorry

theremustonlybeone · 17/10/2021 18:34

Actually i have re read your OP.

Does this little man get any time with his dad or are you always present? He is only little and clearly wants to spend time with his dad. He isnt being 'spoilt' by having his father sit with him until he sleeps. I have done the same for my own DC. Beinf a fussy eater is pretty normal too...so apart from the 'console' which i think is shocking that a 6yr old is getting hysterical when told its not coming out with him. I think you need to remember that this little man is still little, he has had his parents separated and dealing with seeing his dad a couple of times a week and his GF too. Be a little more considerate towards this little persons emotional well being

Oneforthemoneytwo · 17/10/2021 18:37

He’s 6 OP. Perfect unfortunately 6 year olds are big whingers and complainers who get grumpy, moan about things, want daddy and are fussy eaters. I’ve had 3 of them.

What I can also tell you is rhar most of them grow up and grow out of it. They can still be a bit of a pain but they become less fussy, they whine less and they become great company but 6 years olds, not so great, even the best of them

saraclara · 17/10/2021 18:39

I'm stunned at the number of people saying that he's a typical six year old. He's not like any six year old I've come across.

Yes six year olds can have the occasional tantrum, yes they can be fussy, But his constant rudeness is not standard for six year olds, and please tell me that not every six year old is on a device ALL DAY.

He pulls a grumpy face whenever he doesn't get his own way and he constantly demands stuff.

Nope. NASYOALT

Kanaloa · 17/10/2021 18:40

I mean you haven’t known him long though. I have the advantage of having known my 6yo all her life. Whenever she is being a whingy madam I have the memory of 6 years of love to stop me Miss Trunchbull-ing her right out the window. And also I’m her mum so I can say right madam if you would stop being the world’s most difficult child now thank you.

When it’s a new child you don’t know well it’s understandable that his behaviour would be annoying. Maybe you could just step back and let his dad cook for him/care for him. If everything you make is so yuck let his dad sort him out.

OverweightPidgeon · 17/10/2021 18:40

I was your partner years ago , my dd played up dreadfully whenever my partner came round, she was only months old when I split with her dad so didn’t remember us being together. I think it’s fear that makes them like this . It was awful for her , me and my partner tbh.

Kanaloa · 17/10/2021 18:40

I would say though him wanting his dad at bedtime isn’t bad behaviour. Yes it means you are downstairs in the evening without him but it’s only one night a week. You are with his dad the other six nights.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 17/10/2021 18:44

After 2.5 years I think I'd either have to back off the "mum" substitute role on weekends completely, or end it. He'll probably be similar in personality for at least a couple more years.

So it then becomes fully your DP's job to book days out, buy the snacks, entertain him. 6 is old enough to know you're not needlessly rude, demanding and bargy with other people.

ViceLikeBlip · 17/10/2021 18:49

Kids are really difficult. Lots of parents don't like their own kids sometimes! But the difference is that we love them, even when they're whiny and annoying and clingy and attention seeking.

It's not at all unreasonable to not be able to love this child. It's very unkind to stay in his life though, especially if you're on a mission to turn his own dad against him (by constantly pointing out his faults, and irritating habits, and pestering the dad to be stricter on the child etc).

Bodule · 17/10/2021 18:52

You'll be doing your partner a massive good turn by being understanding and accepting it, and he'll always love you for it

Or she could cut her losses and start a relationship which doesn't come with these complications. They've not even been together that long, and warmly welcoming someone else's child is a bit more than doing them a massive good turn.

@Dontknowwhatsnext I should also have said in my longer post that I would never have expected a man to take my children on when they were younger (in fact, I wouldn't have wanted it, as it's just too complicated for my taste).

Catrin70 · 17/10/2021 18:53

I feel for you OP - I had a step daughter who spent a lot of time at ours. She and my son were the same age but didn't have much in common. We didn't have much money in those days (before devices) and she wanted KFC one night and ny DS was delighted as we rarely had these treats, I don't mind saying I hated being a sm and didn't make a very good job of it. Her mother asked me why my son had KFC wasn't allowed any. I put her right straight away but I'm not sure she believed me - just went hmmm .............I'd say to anyone coping with step kids to run for the hills.

cuparfull · 17/10/2021 18:53

Don't beat yourself up, just be patient....he's a 6 year old! He's pushing boundaries and is unsettled. Just try to be kind, relationships take time to build and children have suffered emotionally over the past two years as have we all.
Fortunately the OH's wife was supportive about visitation /holidays etc and we endeavoured to work together for the benefit of my OH's child.
I'm so grateful to her for that and made sure that DSD reported that back to her.

Do you feel perhaps the childs behaviour might be a reflection of the adults relationships?

Summerfun54321 · 17/10/2021 18:57

You don’t have to like him, he isn’t going to be your friend, he’s 6. You just have to act like an adult and be kind to him.

HarlanPepper · 17/10/2021 18:59

He's only little!

6 year olds that adults find likeable tend to be the ones that particularly value adult approval, and have worked out how to get that approval. Or, they're lucky they have developed the ability to regulate their emotions, which is pretty rare at 6 I would say.

Cameleongirl · 17/10/2021 19:02

I'm surprised that several posters are saying this is typical six-year-old behavior. I only have two DC, but five to eleven were the easiest years for me - definitely had some nights staying with them until they were asleep, but not much in the way of tantrums.

Now they're teenagers and it's more challenging! I agree with PP's recommending one to one time with his Dad. My DH and I do that alot with our children (and we're still together), because they love having your sole attention. Perhaps you could make plans for Friday nights and part of Saturday so they could do their own thing?

Pices · 17/10/2021 19:05

I'd bail. It won't get better. Some of what you describe is normal. My step kids used to open the shower door to talk to me! The pickiness, inability to fall asleep and the reliance on devices are all behaviours that need sorting but don't sound like they will. This will likely not lead to a pleasant time when he's a teenager. Whatever you do don't have kids with this man! Life is too short OP. Throw this one back.

Maybebaby8 · 17/10/2021 19:08

Oh i know the feeling, i went through a stage where i really disliked my OH youngest he was spoilt, whiney, sulky, attention seeking, would be nasty to my children for effect.

Basically my OH and his son never knew how much i loathed him at the time. I was consistent, kind, friendly, and treated them all fairly. Eventually i think he realised i was no threat to him and his dad's relationship. And i have to admit he's a lovely boy.

My saying is, they are children and no child asks for their parent's to split up, they just want to feel accepted and wanted. And i know for a fact my partner has disliked my children at time's. It just depends what you want to do moving forward

Amybelle88 · 17/10/2021 19:10

You are not being unreasonable at all.

There is too much pressure on SMs to love their SC, and the narrative is that if we don't, we are evil.

As long as you are kind to them and not mean, then that's enough.

I don't love my SC and I've been in his life for nearly 7 years. He's a good kid, he's very comfortable with me, stays 3 out of 4 weekends Friday to Monday and we've both been a constant in each others lives for those years. I have two DC with his Dad and they all love each other and get along great. However, if someone asked me if I loved him I'd have to be honest and say no, because I don't. I look after him (I do the majority of the cooking, cleaning etc etc in our house, just the way we have it - I'm particular and it doesn't bother me. DH helps and isn't lazy, I just like things done a certain way!), I'm kind to him, we talk but we don't have a big lovey bond and that's fine. There are a lot of things he does that I dislike, too, but I leave disciplining to DH unless its your general 'stop doing that' etc etc.

There's a difference between not loving your SC and being cruel to them. Stepparents don't have to love their step kids, it's that simple.

Fetarabbit · 17/10/2021 19:11

I used to teach 6 year olds, some can be annoying to be fair hah! You don't have to love him, but you do need to find a way to deal with it if you want to stay with DH.

SunshineCake1 · 17/10/2021 19:12

Bloody hell if you think this is how most six year olds behave.

cnn27 · 17/10/2021 19:24

What is he like when it's just him and his dad? Does this behaviour continue or is it just when you are around? If so, is it possible he feels a little insecure about you and maybe feels like he has to fight for his dad's attention when you're around? How do you react around him? Would showing him some kindness and attention, or some way of showing him that you aren't trying to take his dad away from him work? I know it might seem like he's acting unreasonable, but he's only 6.

LadyGAgain · 17/10/2021 19:27

Sounds like many 6 year olds I know. What's the relationship between the child's mum and your DP?
6 year olds can be so annoying. That comes with the territory. Your DP sounds like a very good dad too. Try and be more tolerant whilst maintaining your boundaries and discipline but also accepting (to a point) of the fact that the child is 6.

budgiegirl · 17/10/2021 19:33

@SunshineCake1

Bloody hell if you think this is how most six year olds behave.
Perhaps not most, but many will. His behaviour doesn't sound particularly unusual. Especially for children who are feeling insecure.