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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not be able to love my dp's son

177 replies

candlemakermom · 17/10/2021 16:15

Hi all.

Basically what the title says. I can't warm to my DPs son. We've been together for 2 and a half years and he's involved a lot in his sons life which I love. But I just don't like him very much. He's 6 He's spoilt, whiny and cries over the smallest thing. For example, we decided to have a day out a few weeks back. We booked to go to an amusement park and on the day my dp explained to his son we were not having any devices for the day. He cried. For ages. Stomped his feet and was miserable. He refuses to eat anything but chicken nuggets, fries or pizza. When he stays over he won't go to sleep unless my dp stays in the bed with him which means that I'm sat downstairs alone for the whole evening. He pulls a grumpy face whenever he doesn't get his own way and he constantly demands stuff. It's all so draining. I love my dp but I just don't know how I'm supposed to love this boy too?

OP posts:
Moonface123 · 17/10/2021 18:06

You don't like him and he probably doesn't like you.
I could never be a step parent, it's way too complicated, and just seems like resentment from both sides. Must be hard for the biological parent stuck in the middle trying to please everyone, certainly wouldnt be for me.
Only you can decide what to do, try and make more of a life for yourself.

budgiegirl · 17/10/2021 18:07

The kid seems like a fairly normal 6yo, + separation of parents takes its toll. But OP is just not ready to take this on

This.

You have to decide if you can accept your DP's child with good grace, or not. He's (hopefully) the most important person in your DP's life, and they come as a package deal. Either accept the situation or walk away if you can't. The child is not a brat - he sounds like a perfectly normal 6YO.

Greydaysandrainbows · 17/10/2021 18:07

So this was a 3/4 year old who is now 6. He needs parenting with love, kindness, empathy. You can love a book, a dog, a tv show -we aren't talking the moon here.

Also his food and boundaries is your DP job. Boundaries and co parenting.
He's not refusing to sleep. He's anxious, distressed, worried and struggling as most kids do with changes and believe me kids are VERY atuned to knowing when they are not wanted.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 17/10/2021 18:08

Break up with your partner and find a man with no kids.

You’re clearly not cut out for step-parenthood. At all.

No judgment from me - I couldn’t do it, which is why I’d never go out with a man who has children.

The kid is 6. Living between two families. Staying with you - what? 1 night a week?

You’re the adult. If you genuinely can’t find a way to live with this situation, the solution is pretty obvious.

MC68 · 17/10/2021 18:13

I hate to say this but you’re doubting like the one having a tantrum as you’re not getting all the attention all the time!
You need to grow up a bit!
It dies t sound as though the child gets any one in one time with his Father apart from when he goes to bed…how sad 😢 You’re there every minute of the rest of the time.
Just because the parents split 5 years ago you’ve been on the scene less time & the son will worry if he’ll lose his fathers’ attention completely to another. Why can’t you arrange to do things on your own/with others whilst Dad & son have time together without you a couple of weekends a month?!
You’re not looking at this through a 6 year olds eyes which you need to do.
If you don’t like what’s going on leave, & to be perfectly honest you if I had a child & you were involved I’d not want you around them to be blunt.

Foxglovesandlilacs86 · 17/10/2021 18:13

I don’t think I could live with that tbh, he sounds awful. There’s only one solution here and that’s to leave and find someone with no kids.

MC68 · 17/10/2021 18:14
  • doubting = sounding!
QueenBee52 · 17/10/2021 18:14

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

Break up with your partner and find a man with no kids.

You’re clearly not cut out for step-parenthood. At all.

No judgment from me - I couldn’t do it, which is why I’d never go out with a man who has children.

The kid is 6. Living between two families. Staying with you - what? 1 night a week?

You’re the adult. If you genuinely can’t find a way to live with this situation, the solution is pretty obvious.

I agree ..

OP find a life partner that has the same lifestyle choices as you.. one you can spend your weekends with.. plan a future with..

there is nothing wrong in admitting this does not work for you .. 🌸

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/10/2021 18:16

@YourFinestPantaloons

Your first post was ok and pretty good advice, albeit not acceptable for the long term. But your second, it’s you, who is the spoiled brat.

QueenBee52 · 17/10/2021 18:18

[quote Mummyoflittledragon]@YourFinestPantaloons

Your first post was ok and pretty good advice, albeit not acceptable for the long term. But your second, it’s you, who is the spoiled brat.[/quote]

FFS 🙄

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 17/10/2021 18:19

He's 6 years old. He's not an adult.

Sectionbabyx · 17/10/2021 18:19

Here's a secret you're not supposed to say out loud: it's perfectly fine not to love, or even LIKE, stepchildren. Just treat them kindly, without taking any nonsense. Like would a friends' kid

This with bells on.

OP, I reccomend you look into the NACHO method. As in "nacho kids, nacho problem"

Essentially what you need to do is disengage. You're frustrated because you're pouring too much energy into this. Planning days out, buying gifts, cooking his meals etc and not getting the response/reward (aka better behaviour) you would like to see.

It's not your job. Do nothing. Care less.

My DSC used to drive me round the bend until I disengaged. I no longer run myself ragged trying to be a spin off Mary Poppins, I'm purely a kind adult. A friendly aunt-like figure. I always have a cheery hello for them when they walk in but I'm no longer tying myself in knots trying to entertain them.m

I let my OH take the reigns with his kids. I concentrate on my own.

You can employ this method quite effectively, more so than me actually, if you don't have shared DC or plan to.

godmum56 · 17/10/2021 18:20

I know its an MN saying but a problem child is a child with problems. if you can't cope with it then end the relationship.

ArranMumma · 17/10/2021 18:20

Curious as to whether you have kids? X

Bodule · 17/10/2021 18:21

OP, lots of people are referring to the boy as your stepchild (which you, wisely, did not).

It's perfectly normal not to love someone else's child. There are many, many times since I had children that the only thing that has kept me putting one foot in front of the other is that I love them viscerally because I gave birth to them. I wouldn't feel that way about someone else's child, however fond I was of them.

That being the case, I absolutely would not countenance dating a man with young children. I don't want to do the 'hands on' parenting of someone else's child, or be constrained by them, or have to go to theme parks/insert whichever child-friendly activity for the sake of someone else's child. I don't want people groaning at whatever I've made for dinner, and needing to be helped to go to sleep, and needing to be told to come off their devices.

The difference, obviously, is that I've done all that with my own, and there is nothing that would possess me to do it all again. I would automatically not start anything with a man with young children, because any decent man will put his young children's needs first in a new relationship - which would mean I would always take second place. And if he wouldn't do that, he wouldn't be a decent man, so I wouldn't want a relationship with him anyway.

OP, this six year old comes as a package with this man. You have to decide what your role is going to be. There isn't any reason why you should have to spend 'his' time with his son; the two of them could perfectly well spend it on together. You're not the boy's stepmother, and there's no compulsion for you to do any of this, so long as you're friendly and polite when you see him. Or you can try to become more involved in a positive way - though I can't see that working as things stand. Or you can end the relationship and find someone who doesn't have young children, taking this experience with you as something you don't want to repeat.

GatoradeMeBitch · 17/10/2021 18:21

He sounds like a normal little boy. It's normal for kids to freak out when they're told no devices, it's normal for them to only like bland and samey food, it's normal for them to want a parent with them while they settle to sleep.

This kind of stuff can be trying even for parents. But it is what it is. The child isn't going away. But you have the option to step away, and maybe you should consider that.

PinkSyCo · 17/10/2021 18:23

You don’t just not love your DP’s son, you do not like him at all. For everyone’s sake I would cut my losses and go find a man with no kids.

Bananarama21 · 17/10/2021 18:24

Kids can be fairly challenging, luckily I've never had to deal with fussy eaters but what sticks out here in your post is you've been in a new relationship which started just before covid already living together in a short space of time and he doesn't get any one to one time with his limited time with his dad.It's been a hard 2 years for children with the lockdowns, nm new partners and them always being there.

Newwifeatnumber10 · 17/10/2021 18:25

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. It’s very hard and I was never cut out to be in that role either. I hated my husbands kids for years and should have escaped for all our sakes. I put up with years of the sort of behaviour you describe from two older children, it never got better. I’m now dealing with the trauma years later. Go if you can.

Diverseopinions · 17/10/2021 18:26

Try to be selfless, and think of what is best for the little boy and your partner, is probably going to be the most fruitful avenue, as it is probably going to be hard to change the way the little boy is. He might be upset not to be living with his dad, and you'll probably do a lot of good by just celebrating your partner's empathy.

I think you need to vent to friends, though.

I guess all relationships have issues: overbearing parents- in-laws; needy siblings; sister-in-law who finds it easy to get pregnant when others in the family are still trying - or relatives with favourites. This is your difficulty, but if it wasn't this, it could be something else. There is more scope for this situation to improve than the others I suggested, as the little lad is more likely to grow out of this behaviour than the over-bearing parent-in-law would be.

I'm sure this six-year-old behaviour won't last, and being tolerant is probably going to be fantastic for future dynamics and relationships in the wider family.

You'll be doing your partner a massive good turn by being understanding and accepting it, and he'll always love you for it.

AppleButter · 17/10/2021 18:27

The boy sounds normal, possibly very sensitive but normal. Pizza, nuggets and chips is ok, many kids don’t eat pizza or nuggets. I think the boy is fine and needs his dad, some kids need to be held more, even at 6. I feel sorry for his fragmented childhood and hope he is given love and care. Your needs have to come after his, and you have to decide whether you can accept that.

Dontknowwhatsnext · 17/10/2021 18:27

I don't think you have to love him.

I do think you need to like them, at least most of the time. Because if not, the relationship is made more difficult.

The problem is you actively dislike him. You dislike how your partner deals with him. So it's not relationship for you.

Like a poster above, I won't date a man with young kids as being a step parent isn't for me.

Dp has a son, but her was 24 when we met so I don't consider myself his step mum. We have a good relationship, as much as we can as he moved countries around the time I met dp. But I wouldn't have dated dp if he son was young.

I have always been fine with people not wanting to date me because of my kids. It's really not for everyone.

What would be wrong is staying in the relationship where you know you are miserable, dislike the child and it causes you all more issues.

theremustonlybeone · 17/10/2021 18:28

I am confused..what device is this 6 yr old spending his time on? It is very damaging for DC to spend time on screens never mind a 6 yr old. I would be more worried that the 6yr old became hysterical at being told no consoles.He sounds addicted and this needs resolved. Does he do any playing when he is at home? My DS is 6 and doesnt sit on a console, plays with his lego, loves going to the park and doing puzzles. You dont have to 'love' him but i think his behaviour is linked to spending too many hours on a console

Amiwronghere · 17/10/2021 18:28

You’ve described most the 6 year old boys I know.

Step parenting isn’t for you.

WeAllHaveWings · 17/10/2021 18:30

Lots of kids are fussy, have tantrums which parents need to navigate through, add into that parents that are separated and living between two homes, with their parents new ambivalent partners it is a tough time for them.

You don't need to love him but you need to let your dp put him first, parent him the best he can and have sympathy for the child stuck between two separate adults who parent differently.

If you cant then reconsider your relationship as this will be ongoing, and will probably get even worse during the teen years.