Telling 9yo DC that santa doesn't exist

[Jessica60]

My recently turned 9 year old figured out the tooth fairy doesn't exist this morning as I forgot to put money and remove tooth.
She then said "does Santa even exist"
It was first thing in the morning, really early and I just replied "no he doesn't " I did this as I thought she had already worked it out and didn't want to lie. She then had a full on meltdown and couldn't believe he wasn't real. I then explained the story of the real saint nic but she has been upset all day.
Was I unreasonable telling her at this age?
If I had time to think i would have probably come with a good excuse.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER lol come to think of it it was a mince pie we left out and whisky. I've watched too many American Xmas films lately lol
I do remember saying out loud to mum I was off to get Santa's whisky and she said "no pour a Bacardi" 🤣🤣🤣 guess she was staying up that night haha

@Luckytattie, American films have a lot to answer for!

@Sidehustle99
It’s not that my parents felt strongly about it. It’s just that that’s what they always regarded as normal: children find out from each other.
I don’t remember telling anyone who didn’t already know. I just assumed everyone else knew as well.

I think it’s a bit harsh. My mum was vague with me and I figured it out on my own (would have been about 7/8) when I found my karaoke machine in her wardrobe in early December. I had doubts already by then as I didn’t actually say to her that I’d found it, so subconsciously I knew it was probably her and I shouldn’t say as to ruin the surprise.

Buy I appreciate her letting me figure it out on my own. I appreciate having time to process it myself.

Obviously if your child was going into secondary school and still believed then yeah, telling them would be needed. But you didn’t need to be so blasé.

Don’t know what age I was - pre 9 anyway, since we then moved area and it was a different school - but I well remember vehemently arguing with school friends who told me FC was your parents - of course he wasn’t!

As I was well aware even then, my folks were usually pretty skint, though they did make an effort with stockings (any other presents were from family) so I argued that my folks couldn’t possibly afford all that, so it had to be Father Christmas. 😂

I must have been a bit older when my DF gently told me the truth - but on no account not to spoil it for younger siblings and any others, by telling them. By then I must have had very strong suspicions - I wasn’t in the least upset, and never felt at all angry that my folks had ‘lied’ to me.
On the contrary I was so grateful for having had those years of magical excitement. And I still loved Christmas.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

Never milk. Noone likes it cold or room temperature warm in December.

DD started asking in her letter one year so she got an answer and it started a small tradition. It depends a bit what is in the house, Santa is so considerate not asking for something we don't have.

So as mince pies are not something we may have, he is asking for chocolate or German Marzipan. He seems to like Niederegger.

For a drink he normally asks for Port, Baileys, Wine or Beer.

But we always include a bowl of water for the reindeers and some hay DD got from the rabbit food bag or some of the herbal horse snacks she has for her riding school pony. Carrots seem to be so yesterday.

On the contrary I was so grateful for having had those years of magical excitement. And I still loved Christmas.

Absolutely agree with this. I'm so grateful to my parents for the love and effort that went into creating Santa for us.

@TheKeatingFive

On the contrary I was so grateful for having had those years of magical excitement. And I still loved Christmas.

Absolutely agree with this. I'm so grateful to my parents for the love and effort that went into creating Santa for us.

Same here. We didn't have much growing up, but the build up, the atmosphere, having a day all together (parents often worked opposite shifts so it was rare!), the magic of Christmas eve and coming down to find a present from your list; many happy and special memories.

@TheKeatingFive

On the contrary I was so grateful for having had those years of magical excitement. And I still loved Christmas.

Absolutely agree with this. I'm so grateful to my parents for the love and effort that went into creating Santa for us.

Yep same here. It was fantastic and I still love thinking back to all the fun and excitement we had as kids at Christmas

@Luckytattie and @TheKeatingFive, yes, and it made me determined to create the same magic for dds - as dd1 now does for her own. Witnessing your own children’s or grandchildren’s excitement is almost as good as it was for you. 🎅🏻🎄

@Luckytattie
“Maybe your parents just couldn't be arsed.”
This is, I think, a more natural assumption than that they were ‘woke’.
I think it is a bit harsh though. They simply had no experience of a lot of the traditions that people today think are essential. The first time my father saw a wreath on a neighbour’s door, he wondered if someone had died. They did play along with putting out mince pies and brandy after we heard about it on the television, but it wasn’t something they’d grown up with. Similarly stockings - I think they regarded them as an austere Victorian thing when that was all you got.
They didn’t think it was their job to argue us out of our wits, and based their assumption of when it is normal to find out on their own experience, as I suppose we all do.

@Cofifeefee I expect a thread asking how to dispose of the loo brush received from Santa when your children still believe in Santa Claus might be more contentious (if people believed it was a real thread).

We've done Santa as "pretend real" here. So fingers crossed there won't be any upset later on.

My then 11 year old had to be told before she started secondary school. I thought she was ok about it until she came across her elf that had been hidden in a rush the last Christmas morning and burst in to tears and told us 'you lied to me!'

Such a contrast to her older brother who worked it out himself. Although he asked me, if santa isn't real, what to the elves do? I had to tell him the elves weren't real either and neither is the tooth fairy or Easter bunny 😂. He was 8 and was fine about it and had four years if keeping the secret for his sister including helping our elf get up to mischief.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Well, the lie was going to bite you back eventually. At least you were honest and did not keep on lying to her about Santa. So YANBU to admit the truth to her.

Oh ffs .. another bitter adult who doesn’t understand the difference between fantasy and “lying”.

Yes sorry @ItsMeAgainAndIHaventChanged not experienced is totally valid and was wrong of me to say they weren't arsed. I apologise.

Children experience the world in a completely different way from adults anyway. A lot of children have rich fantasy lives which are often manifested in believing in non-existent beings such as imaginary friends or magical creatures. Children have incomplete information about the world anyway so they often fill the gaps in their knowledge through imagination in ways that adults would perceive as being 'incorrect'. As they get older, they can better separate myths and fantasy from reality and so will eventually work out that Santa isn't real.

It's up to parents whether they want to "lie" to their children/promote the Santa myth, but personally I agree with the view that it is a connecting influence between parents and children - little children experience the myth and then, when they figure it out, it becomes a quietly shared joke and custom between parents and children that binds them together. It stays part of the family tradition even when the myth is truly busted.

The other argument, of course, is that we should speak only the truth to children and should encourage children to always speak the truth to others. The problem with this imo is that you 'de-permission' your child from engaging in fantasy play. It is much harder for a child to engage in imaginative play, and gain all the enjoyment and cognitive benefits that come from pretending, if adults don't play along but constantly bring them down to earth with "you do realise X doesn't exist". They'll work it out for themselves in time anyway. And of course the problem with telling children that Santa is a lie when their classmates still believe is that children tend to be very dogmatic with a strong sense of justice... unless they are very empathetic, they often don't find it acceptable that other people believe in things that they know aren't true. Even if their classmates secretly know the truth, but are just half-believing and participating in the myth.

I believed until 10. Admittedly I was young for my age.

Not in my kids' experience or their friends. It was the last year of primary for all of them. 10-11.

I'm astounded. In many, many years of teaching the only children I know who still believed beyond the age of 8 were not neuro-typical. My autistic nephew, with additional needs, is in his 40s and still believes.

Both DSs have confessed they pretended to believe for at least a year after discovering the truth. For fear of missing out.

@AnkleDeep
Have you retired? If so, when, if it’s not a rude question? I’m just wondering whether to file your comment under ‘evidence that children believe for longer than they used to’ or just under ‘evidence parents don’t know when their children stop believing’

[quote ThisIsTheEndMyFriend]@AnkleDeep
Have you retired? If so, when, if it’s not a rude question? I’m just wondering whether to file your comment under ‘evidence that children believe for longer than they used to’ or just under ‘evidence parents don’t know when their children stop believing’[/quote]
I've been retired for 10 years now. Although I volunteered at a local centre until Covid struck.

I'm not doubting the word of parents who said their DCs believed way past the age I see DCs catch on. I am genuinely astounded. I wonder if it's down to regional variations. In these parts DCs can't wait to break the news, even if you ask them not to.

Any child professing a belief in Santa after entering the juniors would have been laughed at by the others. It's hard when they ask you to tell them the truth. I passed the buck to their parents.

I believed until I was 10

@AnkleDeep
Yes, that fits with my limited experience. Santa used to visit the infants’ Christmas party, but not the juniors’ when I was at school.

@TheKeatingFive

On the contrary I was so grateful for having had those years of magical excitement. And I still loved Christmas.

Absolutely agree with this. I'm so grateful to my parents for the love and effort that went into creating Santa for us.

I agree too. I have many issues with my parents and childhood but I’m very greatful for the way they created a magical Christmas for myself and my siblings. They both grew up in poverty relying heavily on churches to feed them. They would have been happy with a lump of coal if it meant keeping warm, so they did their best to make Christmas special for us.

I remember finding out from the neighbours kids, they had snuck downstairs and hid behind some curtains, they had a giant bay window so could hide without their parents seeing them and saw their drunk parents putting everything out. They told myself and my siblings Christmas morning, my parents were fuming.

As my children are getting older, I have been wrestling with the idea of them finding out Santa is not real. As anyone with kids knows, this is something that is inevitable for anyone who celebrates Christmas and something most of us DO NOT look forward to. I found a book that will definitely help me break the news in a very unique and wonderful way (I HOPE). It's called "The Secret Santa Claus Club: A Tool to Help Parents Unwrap the Secret of Santa by Jeff Janke
www.secretsantaclausclub.com/
This book tells the story of a young girl reminiscing about Christmas and each year her experiences change as she grows older. She eventually starts to realize the truth and eventually her parents let her in on the secret, The Secret Santa Claus Club.. The way they do it is awesome and I will be using it with my own children in the coming years. This book is very heartfelt and you can tell the author really cares about this and wants to help. 100% check it out. Start a new tradition with your kids once the Santa tradition is over and I am sure they will not want to spoil it for the little ones either