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Original poster

Telling 9yo DC that santa doesn't exist

224 replies

Jessica60 · 16/10/2021 21:43

My recently turned 9 year old figured out the tooth fairy doesn't exist this morning as I forgot to put money and remove tooth.
She then said "does Santa even exist"
It was first thing in the morning, really early and I just replied "no he doesn't " I did this as I thought she had already worked it out and didn't want to lie. She then had a full on meltdown and couldn't believe he wasn't real. I then explained the story of the real saint nic but she has been upset all day.
Was I unreasonable telling her at this age?
If I had time to think i would have probably come with a good excuse.

OP posts:
Pea22ches · 17/10/2021 08:27

@gannett

I was the 5yo smartass who told everyone in my class Santa wasn't real. Sorry about that, I guess. There was never a point in my life when I believed, I was familiar with what a fictional story was and just assumed it was once of those.

I would be a little concerned about the critical thinking capabilities of a 9yo who still believed tbh.

My brother did the same in reception and the teacher had words with my mum about it.
Thatsplentyjack · 17/10/2021 08:28

My 7 year old (nearly 8) asked me about 2 moths ago. He was adamant theat he knew and he wanted me to confirm, so I did and told him it was us that brought presents. He's now absolutely insisting that he still does believe in santa.
I think 9 is fine for a child to find out santa isn't real. I think I was about 10 which was quite old.

BubblingBottle · 17/10/2021 08:30

Poor kids being told at 5+6 Sad so sad! They've only had two years of really understanding what goes on at Christmas. Tragic loss of childhood. 7&8 discussions at school about it really begin. 9-11 pretend they still believe for presents. I was in this category and remember the magic being lost as mum admitted to me. Oh the world stopped turning that morning for me but the next day I'd moved on. It's never a pleasant chat but should always be done with utmost care and planning as you never know how the kid will take it. You really should have been prepping for this question tbh.

miniwolf · 17/10/2021 08:30

I love this thread, it's so funny and reassuring to know Santa is not actually such a big deal! I've always been terrible at it and quite vague as I just don't feel comfortable with the lies! My 8 year old asked me if he was real and I said "well I don't know!" as if no one had informed me either 😂

JapanJetplane · 17/10/2021 08:31

I don’t think you were unreasonable to tell her but the way you did so was a little blunt.

BubblingBottle · 17/10/2021 08:32

@gannett. I would be a little concerned about the critical thinking capabilities of a 9yo who still believed tbh.

Utter bollocks 😂 it's actually the sign of a very healthy brain with a rich and active imagination.

Bumblenums1234 · 17/10/2021 08:34

In my house, santa brings the stocking (chocolate, underpants and tat) and everything else comes from the real original sender. When I was a child, it was just a story although I chose to believe. The same will happen here.

blobby10 · 17/10/2021 08:34

When my eldest asked the question I told him there wasn't a fat man in a red suit that delivered presents but it was a big grown up secret that created magic for children and he now shared that grown up secret so it wasn't fair to spoil younger children's belief in the magic. I think he was 9 When a 6 year old asked , said if you don't believe in Father Christmas there obviously won't be any presents from him. There definitely wasn't any 'big reveal' with my younger two but the still got presents from FC until they were well into their teens as it was easier writing that on a label than Mum and Dad!!!

RubertRoo · 17/10/2021 08:35

I have never 'believed' in Santa. My parents just didn't really do a Santa thing. But despite this - I absolutely love Christmas and always loved Santa, still left things out for him on Christmas eve as it's all just part of the fun. Now I have a DD, Santa will still be part of it but I'm not pushing it that buys any presents. I've told her I buy her presents. I like Santa being more of a metaphor for Christmas time rather rather than an actual person.

PieMistee · 17/10/2021 08:37

@gannett your parents were just rubbish at acting, most kids start questions it at 5 or 6 and if told the truth then obviously don't believe (as happened to me too!) However if they wanted to they could have carried it on.
Look at all the religions in the world. So many people genuinely believe them and yet they aren't true or even if one is the rest can't be so millions of people believe in untruths if people around them are believable enough.

onthinice · 17/10/2021 08:39

At 9 when my DD asked I wasn't going to lie to her and then leave her to suffer the embarrassment and cruelty of finding out from other children at school, not only that he was not real but also that her mum lied to her.

Funnylittlefloozie · 17/10/2021 08:39

No way is that big fat reindeer-hugger getting all the credit for the presents in our house. He brings a stocking full of little presents, and the proper presents come from me!

miniwolf · 17/10/2021 08:40

I like Santa being more of a metaphor for Christmas time rather rather than an actual person.

Totally agree with this

sTRUTHiomimus · 17/10/2021 08:51

Some of you sound like complete fun sponges.

One of my kids had two teeth extracted ( for orthodontic work ) at 14 and the tooth fairy still left him money. Sadly the dentist kept the teeth but the fairy knew this and still came that night.

Life can be tough and we all need more fun and magic in our lives 🧚🏻‍♂️

miniwolf · 17/10/2021 08:54

Ah but that's a lovely thing to do! Obvs at 14 he knows but to still go along with it is nice. It's not like when they know the truth all joy has to end

ItsMeAgainAndIHaventChanged · 17/10/2021 09:00

Father Christmas is the personification of Christmas.

PoodleJ · 17/10/2021 10:15

In our house Father Christmas has only ever brought stockings. Everything else is from whoever paid for it. My stock answer is “If you don’t believe you don’t get”. Everyone needs a bit of magic and I would never confirm the existence or not of Father Christmas to a child. Yes they might have figured it out but it doesn’t mean that they can’t play along too.
There’s no need to over complicate it.

IsItTooEarlyforPies · 17/10/2021 10:30

@PoodleJ What if your child says to you “is Santa real? Please tell me the absolute truth?”.

Would you really still not confirm or deny it? I’m not being goady, I’m genuinely interested.

Some children don’t comprehend the wink wink approach and it can be more confusing.

When dd asked , I asked her if she was ready to know and that it can’t be unknown. She said yes and she wanted to know , so I told her specifically it was parents creating magic for DC. She would not have accepted , “I don’t know” or “if you don’t believe you don’t get”. She needed to know yes or no .

reluctantbrit · 17/10/2021 10:30

DD was 9.5 when I told her. She already had doubts, there were too many children in her class with older siblings who already knew what was going on.

Also, I found that DD needed time to understand it, she is a person who needs to think everything through in her own terms.

She knew the story of St. Nikolaus already as we are Germans and celebrate him on the 6th December so the whole background was there. We also never used Santa/Father Christmas as a behaviour tool or threat, she always got some presents from him and most from us.

She is now 14, still writes a list and puts out a drink and snack in the evening and would be highly disapponted if there would be no stocking the next morning. She often looks up Norad's website to track him (in secret though, so I pretend I don't know it).

OP - your DD will be fine. I found the whole "magic of Christmas will vanish when they stop beliving" absolutely rubbish, we have a lovely time and she plays along for the sake of her friends' younger siblings.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 17/10/2021 10:39

Too late now, but she’ll get over it.

My dd1 was coming up to 9 when she told me in very matter of fact tones that she knew Father Christmas was me and daddy, so I might as well admit it.,
So I did.

Only to have her tell me ages later, when she was in her early 20s, that she’d been dying for me to deny it, so she could go on believing a little longer. 😥

So I really wished I’d said something like, ‘Well, as long as you still believe in him…’. Never mind that he still comes decades later if she’s under our roof on Christmas Eve! Everybody in this house gets stockings, regardless of age.

BananaPB · 17/10/2021 10:59

[quote IsItTooEarlyforPies]@PoodleJ What if your child says to you “is Santa real? Please tell me the absolute truth?”.

Would you really still not confirm or deny it? I’m not being goady, I’m genuinely interested.

Some children don’t comprehend the wink wink approach and it can be more confusing.

When dd asked , I asked her if she was ready to know and that it can’t be unknown. She said yes and she wanted to know , so I told her specifically it was parents creating magic for DC. She would not have accepted , “I don’t know” or “if you don’t believe you don’t get”. She needed to know yes or no .[/quote]
Same here.
After I told my kids they still spoke of him as if he were real and did the Christmas rituals of leaving a carrot for the reindeer but I don't regret giving a yes or no answer to their direct question.
If they seemed to show wavering then I'd ask them what they thought and see how much they'd worked out. "Jack told me he's not real" is different from "Father Christmas can't possibly know where every child in the world lives and if their parents are divorced so have a second address"

Embracelife · 17/10/2021 11:01

@Shouldbedoing

Time to.let her in on the real secret which is that the grown ups make the magic for the little ones and she is now grown up to make the magic too.
Exactly. Go back and tell it s a lovely story Like a pantomime Or story book You can still have fun
Kuachui · 17/10/2021 11:38

Nope for me I'll be telling my kids he's real whether they're 30 or 50 😂

LizzieW1969 · 17/10/2021 11:45

It was the same with my DD2. She asked me directly 2 years ago (she was 7) whether Santa Claus was real and clearly really wanted to know. So I said that no, he wasn’t real. She then told her older sister (then 10, with SEN), who still believed. DD1 then wanted us to record ourselves filling the stockings on Christmas Eve (two months later!! 🤣).

We were about to go on holiday with their cousins for half-term when DD2 and I had that conversation and I warned her not to say anything to spoil the magic for her youngest cousin, who was 4). She didn’t, thankfully.

Flowersinthefireplace · 17/10/2021 11:56

Poor kids being told at 5+6 sad so sad! They've only had two years of really understanding what goes on at Christmas. Tragic loss of childhood

@BubblingBottle apart from the ridiculously hyperbole here around a tragic loss of childhood (you should probably gen up on what this really is for many children) my child asked me outright at 6. I’ve always made a massive general point that she can trust me and I won’t lie to her and she can always come to me and ask me anything. So you’re suggesting in this instance I broke all that trust and lied?