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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Telling 9yo DC that santa doesn't exist

224 replies

Jessica60 · 16/10/2021 21:43

My recently turned 9 year old figured out the tooth fairy doesn't exist this morning as I forgot to put money and remove tooth.
She then said "does Santa even exist"
It was first thing in the morning, really early and I just replied "no he doesn't " I did this as I thought she had already worked it out and didn't want to lie. She then had a full on meltdown and couldn't believe he wasn't real. I then explained the story of the real saint nic but she has been upset all day.
Was I unreasonable telling her at this age?
If I had time to think i would have probably come with a good excuse.

OP posts:
Fucket · 17/10/2021 06:21

Every couple of years or so there is a child that finds out the truth when they’re in Yr7. The last time it happened the maths teacher told the kid, “don’t be ridiculous of course Santa doesn’t exist.” This led to full on meltdown at break time and the kid getting teased.

I asked the teacher why he said it, his reply was, “I’m here to teach maths not perpetuate fairy stories because the parents want to infantilise their children. It’s not like they weren’t going to find out one day, I just did the kid a favour.”

Secondary school teachers can be a lot different to junior school teachers. So don’t expect the magic of Xmas to continue at secondary school in quite the same way.

Itsnotdeep · 17/10/2021 06:31

My 9 yo still believes. I am not planning on telling her otherwise yet - I suspect she'll find out at school at some stage, but she isn't unusual in her class I don't think (year 5).

whateveryouwantmetosay · 17/10/2021 06:32

YABU.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 17/10/2021 06:40

I had a 5 year old cheerfully explain to a whole Year 1 class that F. Christmas is actually your mum and dad. I was trying desperately to shut him up, knowing the complaints I’d have the next day. He really wasn’t saying anything wrong at all, though.

Thing is, it was patently obvious that this wasn’t news to most of his classmates… although their parents would have all sworn blind that their children didn’t have a clue.

Mind you, the next child’s contribution to the conversation was that an elf dies every time you open the door on your advent calendar Confused

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 17/10/2021 06:41

@AnkleDeep

Most DCs find out in the playground around the age of seven. Her friends must surely have said something if she told them she still believed.
Not in my kids' experience or their friends. It was the last year of primary for all of them. 10-11.
Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 17/10/2021 06:43

I can only assume that all these 10 year olds who still believe never read any books. The number of children’s books which blow the whistle on Fathers Christmas…

Strange really, given all good MN children never have their nose out of a book.

ronkey · 17/10/2021 06:43

I asked the teacher why he said it, his reply was, “I’m here to teach maths not perpetuate fairy stories because the parents want to infantilise their children. It’s not like they weren’t going to find out one day, I just did the kid a favour.”

Wowsers I wonder what his school reports are like for the kids!

Mumobag · 17/10/2021 06:43

The year I found out was my favourite ever Christmas (I think I was 9) because my little sister still believed and my mum turned it all into a lovely game where she and I had to make it as magical and special for my sister as we could. I still remember her little face when she woke me up and we sneaked downstairs to check if Santa had been, and I knew I'd helped mum create a bit of that excitement.

Itsnotdeep · 17/10/2021 06:52

@Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies

I can only assume that all these 10 year olds who still believe never read any books. The number of children’s books which blow the whistle on Fathers Christmas…

Strange really, given all good MN children never have their nose out of a book.

you sound nice.
gannett · 17/10/2021 07:03

I was the 5yo smartass who told everyone in my class Santa wasn't real. Sorry about that, I guess. There was never a point in my life when I believed, I was familiar with what a fictional story was and just assumed it was once of those.

I would be a little concerned about the critical thinking capabilities of a 9yo who still believed tbh.

SpeakingFranglais · 17/10/2021 07:13

I’ve never told mine he didn’t exist. They went to high school believing and I guess eventually worked it out. I was still telling them in their late teens that if they don’t believe he won’t come.

My friend was horrified I let them go to high school believing, she said they would be bullied. Of course they weren’t, there was no one day finding out the shocking truth.

TacoTues · 17/10/2021 07:23

I think it's better to have been honest OP. Just was unfortunate for you you were asked early in the morning. As I'm very short at that time of day too!

Maybe have a 'Christmas magic' chat one time soon?

My oldest is 8. Still believes in Santa, but last year and the year before she figured out that 'mall Santa's' aren't real.

It's obvious to anyone that a fake beard is a fake beard. So I explained how yes they aren't really Santa. But it's a way to spread Christmas magic.

She took that very well as loves playing pretend herself and loves little kids and playing pretend with them. So I think when the inevitable happens I'll explain that Santa is real, but not as a man in a suit with flying reindeer. And point out all the many ways people make him real, to spread happiness and magic, and why it makes so many people love Christmas so much.

Santa is the best.

Nc123 · 17/10/2021 07:23

I had the chat with my 9yo back in the summer - he already knew really. We talked about him being part of making the magic for other people and he said “I think I’ll just carry on believing, if that’s ok”.

9 definitely isn’t too young. I’m sorry your daughter was upset by it but in your position I would have done the same as you. Maybe reassure her that she will still get her stocking?

icedcoffees · 17/10/2021 07:23

I always knew Santa wasn't real and I'm honestly not scarred for life as a result Wink

We still did Christmas lists, stockings and "milk and a carrot" for Rudolph. My parents explained it as a fun tradition and never felt the need to say it was real. The magic was still there and I still loved Christmas.

Whatafustercluck · 17/10/2021 07:50

I also think that the last year of primary is typically when most children find out. Ds is 10yo and has been wrestling with it for a while now - he doesn't believe in magic, hasn't believed in the tooth fairy for quite some time etc so knows deep down that he can't exist. But he wants to keep the pretence up a while longer which is fine.

IsItTooEarlyforPies · 17/10/2021 07:57

Some of these replies are bonkers! Ruined childhoods and snatched innocence Confused

If a 9 year old asks outright, it would be frankly cruel not to tell them the truth. You would be setting them up for ridicule.

Are some people forgetting that lots of DC these days have access to Google, YouTube, TikTok and such like? I bet there has been a lot of ruined believers from these things Grin

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 17/10/2021 08:10

We are trying to work out if our 10yo still believes or is pretending for her sisters sake (8yo).

We have never made a big thing of it. Santa has only ever brought one small thing, everything else is parents/other relatives (or indeed charities for those needing extra help, they've chosen something for the collections since they were four or five)

They also have the Forgetful Tooth Fairy, who leaves the money in strange places or on a random day.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 17/10/2021 08:14

My son is 7 .5 and undecided. If he works it out I'll agree with him , mainly because I want to go on holiday next Xmas and don't want the nightmare logistics of it all !
It's lovely for very small kids but as they get older it's just an elaborate lie

YourFinestPantaloons · 17/10/2021 08:19

@Ionlydomassiveones

Jeez. Why oh flipping why is this even a thing? What’s with the earnest need to sit children down and tell them some dramatic truth about something that’s essentially a bit of a fairy tale. Do you need to do that with Shrek? Or that Woody and Buzz Lightyear aren’t actually real? Or that pimping up a tree and sticking it in our living rooms is correlated to the birth of a messiah 2000 years ago? No! Kids aren’t stupid. When they grow out of it, they grow out of it. You can still talk about Santa bringing presents and they’ll humour you. Trust me, I still do it and the oldest is 21. There is NO need to have this conversation. It’s part of the magic and the bonkers thing that is Christmas. Kids get it. Don’t be a grinch.
This.

Who is ever actually genuinely traumatised as an adult from being told Santa wasnt real as a kid (probably only those attention seekers weirdos who seem to be perpetually traumatised by things like their washing being rained on and missing the bus)

YourFinestPantaloons · 17/10/2021 08:21

@foxgoosefinch

I assumed 8 y o DD had figured it out last year, but she woke up to us at 3am putting the stocking back, and was so upset she was really shaking and crying and terribly distressed. I had to come up with something like Santa can’t come in because of Covid this year so he’s given us the presents, as I really couldn’t bear to ruin her Christmas right on the day itself.

I hadn’t expected her to be quite so upset. I figured it out around 8 but had younger siblings so kept quiet about knowing! Not really sure if she does still believe now; I’d kind of like to sit her down in advance and properly tell her. Her reaction made me sad we’d ever gone along with the whole thing in the first place to be honest.

Could you not just have said "it's only 3am he just hasn't been yet"
YourFinestPantaloons · 17/10/2021 08:22

@Zfactorstar

From my experience of working with kids of all age groups including littles the parents that scream about not having kids grow up to fast are also the ones that don't want them to grow up at all.
Agree!

And they are the ones surprised when they hear their darling little 16yo has a boyfriend/girlfriend and has been having sex

Pea22ches · 17/10/2021 08:23

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Why did you do that? I mean I guess she's the age that kids start to work it out (though the young end) but you didn't need to blurt it out did you?
I think OP may of been caught off guard and thought ita best not lie. Her child is 9. So I think it was the right thing. The santa days have to end at some point.
douliket · 17/10/2021 08:27

I think her age is irrelevant here,the issue is the way you handled that whole discussion. It's a belief that your dd has had her entire life and is the most wonderful time of year for a child. You could have explained that The real
Magic of Christmas came from the legend of St. Nick and that magic is real as people around the world work together to keep the secret going and there's nothing more magical than making others happy.
The way you blurted it out was just mean to do that to a child. She probably thinks her Christmas is over forever. Please don't leave it there,have a chat with her

sHREDDIES19 · 17/10/2021 08:27

Mine found out/ were told the truth a few months back as they were asking so many questions it was the best thing to do to come clean. They are 5 and 9 and handled it brilliantly! I feel great as the pressure to keep it up has been removed and looking forward to a more relaxed Christmas! They didn’t moan but I have told my youngest that they must not say anything to classmates who still believe.

LittleMG · 17/10/2021 08:27

She’s 9! you did nothing wrong.