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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at DH

255 replies

1teaandchocolate · 16/10/2021 21:15

On Friday morning, DH and his friend drove 4 hours down south for an event on the Saturday morning. He told me he would be back Saturday around 4. Fine by me.

He let me know when he was on his way back, told me roughly what time he would be at his friends (dropping him off). He rang me at 4.30 to tell me he was in a pub and would see me soon. DD (2) kept shouting daddy because she wanted to speak to him and I was trying to give DS (9months) his tea. He then rang back and told me he didn't know if he was going to come back. I then reminded him that he has a wife and 2 children at home and responsibilities. His friend is newly single and my DH seems to be enjoying being the 'wing man'.

After I put the kids to bed, I get a text 'I'm obviously not coming home. Don't be angry.'.
We have a wedding tomorrow lunchtime, his friend lives over an hour away and the wedding is over an hour away from our house. He has also told me he is going to stay at the wedding for the evening do so I'll have to take the kids home on my own and put them to bed whilst he enjoys a free room in the hotel.

I don't mind him having fun and seeing friends, but Ive have barely had any family time with him since beginning of august. He keeps making plans with his single mate!

AIBU?! I'm so annoyed at him, i haven't even text him back. I actually have no idea where he is. I don't know if he even made it back to his friends. I know he's in the country because his passport is here 👍🏼

OP posts:

Pythonista · 17/10/2021 13:40

@supersop60

This current friend. Is he gay?

Presumably he's shagging the DH?

2bazookas · 17/10/2021 13:59

Tosser.

You and the kids don't turn up to the wedding. Don't contact him, don't explain, don't warn him you won't be there.

Leave it to him to explain the non-appearance / absence of his wife and children to everybody there who expected to see you.

Won't be hard. After all, he's had the practice at lying and faking.

Mumsnut · 17/10/2021 14:06

I suppose its too late to cancel the room ...

Eleganz · 17/10/2021 14:08

I'm guessing the plan all along was to go out on the lash and stay over where he was but he knew that you wouldn't agree to that as you had plans the next day and need him to father his child.

Sounds like a serious "discussion" is needed when he does eventually rock up at home. Time to enforce your boundaries, he needs to learn to stick to his word or he can hit the road and go drinking with his mates when he likes.

girlmom21 · 17/10/2021 14:09

@supersop60

This current friend. Is he gay?

Even if he was gay, that doesn't mean that he and his married friend fancy each other automatically...

SequinsandStiIettos · 17/10/2021 14:13

You have every right to be angry.
He's not single. He does have responsibilities.
I am hoping you are currently at the wedding and having a nice enough time. I have been the breast feeder, who can only settle the kids down - it sucks. If he cannot see that, then maybe you take the baby and leave him with your 2 year old next weekend so he has a taste of what weekend access feels like. You go with the baby to your parents for a couple of days and tell DD it's daddy-daughter time to make up for Daddy being away this weekend.
Do not take both - he will enjoy the alone time otherwise.

ArthurTudor · 17/10/2021 14:28

Some of these responses are not helpful...encouraging game playing and jumping straight to cheating.

Clearly a conversation needs to take place, I personally think going straight to 'LTB' is unrealistic - she's got young kids with him. There at least needs to be a discussion about his behaviour and a clear warning that this won't be tolerated.

I personally would have gone to the wedding too - not fair on the B&G. But I would stay in the hotel with the kids, he will have to cope with then waking him up early.

How are you doing OP? Any update?

Crunchymum · 17/10/2021 14:34

Did he come home?

Did you go to the wedding?

Threads like this make me so sad.

TheVanguardSix · 17/10/2021 15:03

This is exactly what happened to me in my first marriage OP.
My first husband got more and more immersed in his role as 'wingman' with his single buddy. I remember being in the bedroom of our flat, feeding our infant son and being able to overhear single buddy in the lounge next door (tiny flat!) scoffing at my husband's boring married life, being dragged down by ye olde ball and chain and NOW a baby!
By the time that baby was 6 months old, we separated. As sad and as hard as it was, I was fed up with feeling angry and let down and hung out to dry by such an irresponsible, selfish husband.
Sometimes I look back and feel sad that I didn't try harder to overcome the very strong pull of his mate. He was incredibly influenced by that guy. I think the 'freedom' was intoxicating at a time when life with small kids can leave both parents feeling a bit stifled and overwhelmed. I separated because that behaviour your husband is currently displaying was the theme song of my marriage. If this is a one-off and normally your husband is a decent bloke, then there's a lot more hope of talking this through and resolving it. Still, it's very shitty on your husband's part. I think when my ex said, "Lower your expectations of me, they're too high," I realised we were done.

pommedeterre · 17/10/2021 15:14

@Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce

Personally I'd pre empt it by bundling up my little ones and staying at your parents/siblings/good friends, probably scare the shit out of him to come home to an empty house Play him at his own game Turn off YOUR friend finder Don't answer his calls Come home when YOU feel like it Leave your wedding ring next to his

Yes!

Ellie56 · 17/10/2021 15:16

@TheVanguardSix

Sounds like you're well rid of that twat. "Lower your expectations" indeed!

Hope you told him you expected more than a pathetic man child.

lifehappened · 17/10/2021 15:24

I think the staying there is kind of a "ghost out of hand" situation which I've been in a lot so don't think too badly of. But the wedding tomorrow is pre thinking being a dick so inexcusable

overnightangel · 17/10/2021 15:26

Hoping the OP is coming back to say she’s left his stuff at his parents’ house

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/10/2021 15:36

He has also told me he is going to stay at the wedding for the evening do so I'll have to take the kids home on my own and put them to bed whilst he enjoys a free room in the hotel.

Fuck that. You stay in the room with the kids and he can sleep in a fucking ditch.

Taking his wedding ring off? Refusing to come home when he said he would?

'But don't be angry'?

I would be packing him a bag and changing the locks. Sorry, but he is beyond unreasonable and you would be a fool to put up with this.

Did you go to the wedding in the end?

DiscoGlitterBall · 17/10/2021 15:42

Are we taking bets on

what time he came home, and
if they went to the wedding?

girlmom21 · 17/10/2021 15:46

@DiscoGlitterBall

Are we taking bets on

what time he came home, and
if they went to the wedding?

I'm saying she picked him up on the way to the wedding, took his suit with her and ironed his shirt before she left.

PerpendicularVincent · 17/10/2021 16:35

I suspect the OP is at the wedding and will post later from home annoyed that he's still there.

TopBlogger · 17/10/2021 16:37

@PerpendicularVincent

I suspect the OP is at the wedding and will post later from home annoyed that he's still there.

I know it's easy to say from an outsider's POV, but please, NO!

BrilloPaddy · 17/10/2021 16:47

This is one of those threads where I think "is anyone that much of a doormat" and sadly the answer is usually Yes.

OP is playing the dutiful wife at the wedding, so he can play disney dad, then he'll pack her off when he wants to have fun

Nondescriptname · 17/10/2021 16:56

Of course they are at the wedding and it's very likely the bloke will stay the night there.

I also think this probably happened :

I'm saying she picked him up on the way to the wedding, took his suit with her and ironed his shirt before she left.
I could see me doing that too, in those circumstances, but it would be for the benefit of the wedding couple, not for the selfish man.

I hope OP gives him a massive bollocking so that he never does the single guy thing again.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 17/10/2021 17:03

The late Katharine Whitehorn once wrote that every father needs to know that "ElizabethAndTheChildren is actually four words, not one". OP, perhaps your DH needs to be reminded of this.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/10/2021 17:48

Looking after kids is hard work that's meant to be shared between two parents. Therefore if one parent has time off then the other parent is effectively doing double their share. Which is fine we all need time off. But its common decency to 1. Agree it together and 2. Have equal time off for hobbies, seeing friends etc.

What is is actually saying when he is telling you what he is going to do rather than agreeing it is 'I'm doubling your workload tonight. You're not getting a break because I'm taking all the break time myself. Get used to it because you dont have a choice'. And this is not ok. He would never do that at work, or in a joint project with a friend m, or a team hobby, without checking and reciprocating.

I think from now on, insist on equal leisure time. Insist on respect in making arrangements. Insist he recognises how hard you work looking after two, byleaving him to it if necessary.

And if that's too difficult for him, involvehis parents and point out to everyone that you would have an easier life in terms of time to yourself, if you split.

He is a grown man with very young kids ffs, not a teen who pushes his luck to see what he can get away with while sniggering to his mates about it, using 'well dave does it's as an excuse.

And I know you know your husband but I wouldn't close your mind to the possibility of an affair. Everyone has the possibility of being 'the type' to have an affair if the conditions are right. And the type of person who has little appreciation or respect for their partner is more likely than not, the type. Turning find friends off, not coming home, a change in behaviour are all indicators. I'm not saying he is, I'm saying if I was you I'd do some digging

Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 17/10/2021 17:52

His mate might be his 'Wing Man'
Ever thought of that?

2mutsandsomebabies · 17/10/2021 18:03

I think the responses have become so hostile that there is no way OP can come back for the support she needs. Kick a woman while she's down!
Don't do it. You think you are so witty and sharp and will tell her how it is- she knows. Give her a break.

Franca123 · 17/10/2021 18:08

I'd be laying the law down to him. He needs a massive kick up the backside because he's taking the piss out of you.

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