Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DH

255 replies

1teaandchocolate · 16/10/2021 21:15

On Friday morning, DH and his friend drove 4 hours down south for an event on the Saturday morning. He told me he would be back Saturday around 4. Fine by me.

He let me know when he was on his way back, told me roughly what time he would be at his friends (dropping him off). He rang me at 4.30 to tell me he was in a pub and would see me soon. DD (2) kept shouting daddy because she wanted to speak to him and I was trying to give DS (9months) his tea. He then rang back and told me he didn't know if he was going to come back. I then reminded him that he has a wife and 2 children at home and responsibilities. His friend is newly single and my DH seems to be enjoying being the 'wing man'.

After I put the kids to bed, I get a text 'I'm obviously not coming home. Don't be angry.'.
We have a wedding tomorrow lunchtime, his friend lives over an hour away and the wedding is over an hour away from our house. He has also told me he is going to stay at the wedding for the evening do so I'll have to take the kids home on my own and put them to bed whilst he enjoys a free room in the hotel.

I don't mind him having fun and seeing friends, but Ive have barely had any family time with him since beginning of august. He keeps making plans with his single mate!

AIBU?! I'm so annoyed at him, i haven't even text him back. I actually have no idea where he is. I don't know if he even made it back to his friends. I know he's in the country because his passport is here 👍🏼

OP posts:
Hollywolly1 · 17/10/2021 07:56

I don't understand why people are recommending the op leave her house to go stay somewhere else as that would be very difficult with 2 young children and why should she be so inconvenienced all the while the husband gets home to his own bed
I definitely would not leave a toddler with him if he has drank a lot the night before as I would be afraid he would be so cross( that's assuming he drank a lot the night before,he may have been otherwise engaged.
I think think the newly single friend is a red herring by the way.
Let him go to the wedding on his own and stay over as well,save you all that hardship.
I think you may need to cut your losses now,you could have a wonderful life ahead if you without dealing with this rubbish.
It doesn't look good that he didn't come home and you seem to blame the friend, its all on your husband not the friend

hotmeatymilk · 17/10/2021 08:00

Honestly, grow a vagina and kick him out. He’s crossed so many lines here.

girafferafferaffe · 17/10/2021 08:04

I would not be turning up to the wedding with my children to play happy families for him. Fuck this guy

BlowDryRat · 17/10/2021 08:17

Stay the night with the baby and then kick him out. What an absolute pillock.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/10/2021 08:17

Good luck this morning OP. I’d consider emptying the joint account if you have one to tide you over if this all goes to shit.

Dozycuntlaters · 17/10/2021 08:27

One thing that leaps out at me is the parent thing. The comment that he's turned his location off which means his parents won't know he's not home...... would they actually track this? Then you say they would be very disappointed and his dad would be having stern words with him. What's that all about? Sounds like a very suffocating situation for him .

I would be totally pissed off too OP as he's treating you with total disrespect. The wedding ring thing wouldn't bother me as you say it's a common occurrence and as he's left it on the kitchen window sill it's hardly like he's trying to hide the fact he didn't take it. I don't think he's cheating either. I think his friend is raving about how great single life is and your DH is probably feeling quite envious of it right now and has enjoyed the last day or so with total freedom. Personally I hate all this tracking lark and no way would I be letting my partner track where I am, it's so intrusive.

He's had two nights away so really he should be coming home with you after the wedding or even better, you stay in the hotel and he can take the kids home. Tell him it's your turn tonight to have a night off family life. See how he likes that!!

PerpendicularVincent · 17/10/2021 08:35

He's left his wedding ring at home, turned off his tracker and said he isn't coming back. I'd take him at his word and pack his bags.

Life is too short to put up with being treated like an afterthought.

PerpendicularVincent · 17/10/2021 08:35

@girafferafferaffe

I would not be turning up to the wedding with my children to play happy families for him. Fuck this guy
This too.
Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 17/10/2021 09:10

Good luck!

NameChange2PostThis · 17/10/2021 09:15

@Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce

Personally I'd pre empt it by bundling up my little ones and staying at your parents/siblings/good friends, probably scare the shit out of him to come home to an empty house Play him at his own game Turn off YOUR friend finder Don't answer his calls Come home when YOU feel like it Leave your wedding ring next to his
This. He needs to be frightened. You need him to experience what it feels like to be treated as an afterthought. Only then can you have an honest and equal conversation about how you want your relationship to work.
Angrynellie · 17/10/2021 09:17

Not god. The ‘obviously’ in his text would annoy the hell out of me if I was OP. Why is it obvious? That word has been used to shut down and demean the OP.
Turning his location tracker off his phone is a huge red flag. You really shouldn’t play happy families at the wedding today, and if you explain why to the other guests maybe it will be the wake up call he needs?

QuentinBunbury · 17/10/2021 09:54

Good luck today OP. If it was me I think I'd go out with phone off and leave him wondering where I was and what was going on. I'd just say nothing at all. The go home this evening put kids to bed.
He'll either go to the wedding stressed or not go. If he chooses to go and stay over when he doesn't know where you are and what's going on that would tell you how much he respects you and values your marriage. He'll have to explain to his friend why he has problems at home and why you aren't there. Give him some direct negative consequences to his behaviour. I don't think you bollocking him will cut it because he doesn't respect you.
Flowers op. What a knob he is.

pickingdaisies · 17/10/2021 09:55

So he's trained you to not get suspicious if he leaves his wedding ring off, eh.
This guy hadn't just crossed a line, he's grabbed a bunch of lines and he's playing noughts and crosses with them.
Although I'm struggling with the whole premise of this one tbh.

BeeDavis · 17/10/2021 10:00

I’m sorry, but what the fuck?!?!?!

LaikO · 17/10/2021 10:07

Someone isn't the type of person who would cheat... until they do. I know most people probably don't and won't, but turning location off, no wedding ring and not coming home couldn't make it any clearer. Maybe on their own they're not a huge worry, but together it isn't good. As someone who is obviously a complete outsider, it really does sound like he's enjoying "being single" with his friend, whatever that entails.
I don't think he'd be up to no good at the wedding, but why would he want to stay over without you and the kids after barely seeing you for so long?

LookItsMeAgain · 17/10/2021 10:23

Had I been in your situation OP I'd have replied "Ok then. I'll have your stuff bagged up and left on the doorstep ready for you to collect. Not sure where you'll be staying but that's not a concern of mine. Don't be angry"
Then bag up his stuff, leave it on the front doorstep and lock the front door.
I wouldn't be going to any wedding either because it is very clear that your own marriage deserves the attention today and tomorrow and for the foreseeable.

Tallisimo · 17/10/2021 10:29

Hope you are ok this morning, OP. What did you decide to do? Are you going to give the wedding a miss? Sounds like a lot of hard work for you and not a very happy occasion for you under the circumstances.

Amiwronghere · 17/10/2021 10:30

Lord op

JamieLeeBee · 17/10/2021 10:33

I'm sorry, but you say you 'know he's not cheating'... With all due respect, you don't.

I have had 2 long term relationships, lived with said people, never thought in a life time either would cheat, though they would take themselves out for drinks, not come home, non contactable, all the usual signs. But I trusted them not to cheat.

Well more the fool am I that I fell for that nonsense twice. I am now a happily single mother.

billy1966 · 17/10/2021 10:33

You poor woman.

Could he give less of a damn.

And this has been going on since August?

Yes, you need to find your anger and self respect.

There is NO WAY I would go to that wedding.

He is a disgrace.

I would take that text that he has left you.

Pack his bag on that basis.

Reach out to family and friends.

Do not accept this.

Flowers
stressedy · 17/10/2021 10:39

hes really taking the piss and if you let this happen hes going to do it again and again and again..

MrsKeats · 17/10/2021 10:51

No way I would go to the wedding now.

Dumpling89 · 17/10/2021 10:55

@girafferafferaffe

I found his wedding ring on the kitchen windowsill.

More red flags than a communist parade here

Amazing phrase. I'm stealing this.

OP I would also like to point out I'd be absolutely spitting feathers at this. YANBU.

icedcoffees · 17/10/2021 11:08

I know it's not what you want to think OP, but wake up.

He's gone out with a friend who is newly single and who has a reputation for being a home-wrecker.
He's taken his wedding ring off and left it at home.
He's turned off his location finder so you have no way of knowing where he's been or how long he's been there.
He's decided, last minute, to stay out all night.

Even if there's a slim chance that he hasn't cheated on you, absolutely none of that looks good and it all smacks of a man who is incredibly selfish and who doesn't give a flying fuck about you or his DC.

Raise your bar.

Ellie56 · 17/10/2021 11:08

As PP said this is way beyond being "in the doghouse".

As for this:

He has also told me he is going to stay at the wedding for the evening do so I'll have to take the kids home on my own and put them to bed whilst he enjoys a free room in the hotel.

You need to lose your shit big time and make it very clear if he doesn't come home with you today, your marriage is over.

What an absolute selfish tosser he is.