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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DH

255 replies

1teaandchocolate · 16/10/2021 21:15

On Friday morning, DH and his friend drove 4 hours down south for an event on the Saturday morning. He told me he would be back Saturday around 4. Fine by me.

He let me know when he was on his way back, told me roughly what time he would be at his friends (dropping him off). He rang me at 4.30 to tell me he was in a pub and would see me soon. DD (2) kept shouting daddy because she wanted to speak to him and I was trying to give DS (9months) his tea. He then rang back and told me he didn't know if he was going to come back. I then reminded him that he has a wife and 2 children at home and responsibilities. His friend is newly single and my DH seems to be enjoying being the 'wing man'.

After I put the kids to bed, I get a text 'I'm obviously not coming home. Don't be angry.'.
We have a wedding tomorrow lunchtime, his friend lives over an hour away and the wedding is over an hour away from our house. He has also told me he is going to stay at the wedding for the evening do so I'll have to take the kids home on my own and put them to bed whilst he enjoys a free room in the hotel.

I don't mind him having fun and seeing friends, but Ive have barely had any family time with him since beginning of august. He keeps making plans with his single mate!

AIBU?! I'm so annoyed at him, i haven't even text him back. I actually have no idea where he is. I don't know if he even made it back to his friends. I know he's in the country because his passport is here 👍🏼

OP posts:
doodleygirl · 16/10/2021 21:33

I’m sorry to be so blunt but you need to get a massive dose of self respect. If you need to be told by random internet people that YANBU your perspective is very screwed.

He is treating you like a doormat.

MrsRobbieHart · 16/10/2021 21:35

Right, so he’s gone off with newly single friend, behaviour all changed, left wedding ring on the windowsill, and turned off find my phone. Oh and didn’t bother his arse coming home to his wife and children.

It’s not looking good OP…

Quartz2208 · 16/10/2021 21:35

I would just text back

Yes it is obvious isnt it that you arent coming home. Where you would you like me to drop your stuff including your wedding ring. To single mate friends name house as it is clear that he is your priority.

Once I am ready to talk about the future and discuss anything I will let you know

Because I think that is what you need to do

Sundancerintherain · 16/10/2021 21:36

It's very clear that he no longer wishes to be a family man.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 16/10/2021 21:36

Taking wedding ring off for me is a huge red flag. My dad used to take his off. He left my mum after getting another women pregnant.

I'm not sure I could get past this, but you say before now he has been a great partner.

I think I would be sending a message along the lines of 'if you value your family and our marriage you had better get home tonight or I am re-evaluating our relationship'

Original poster
1teaandchocolate · 16/10/2021 21:36

@doodleygirl

I’m sorry to be so blunt but you need to get a massive dose of self respect. If you need to be told by random internet people that YANBU your perspective is very screwed.

He is treating you like a doormat.

No I 100% get it. I needed to vent. I've been paranoid and clingy in the past.

I also did a NC. Tried to change it to 'doormat' but that was taken.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 16/10/2021 21:36

He sounds not so much a wing man, more a partner in crime with his newly single friend. I can hear the klaxon from here.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2021 21:38

@girafferafferaffe

I found his wedding ring on the kitchen windowsill.

More red flags than a communist parade here

Yup. Your husband is up to no good and you're sitting there like a doormat. I would lock the fucker out.
StormTreader · 16/10/2021 21:39

My suspicion would be that he's pulled which is why he's not coming back - he doesn't want to sleep in the same room as you at the wedding because he still feels guilty about cheating.

Original poster
1teaandchocolate · 16/10/2021 21:41

@StormTreader

My suspicion would be that he's pulled which is why he's not coming back - he doesn't want to sleep in the same room as you at the wedding because he still feels guilty about cheating.
He's not cheating. He's a drinker. He is quicker to check out a car than he is a female.
OP posts:
proudwomansexmatters · 16/10/2021 21:42

Is the not wearing of his wedding ring something that seems plausible? My husband doesn't wear his for work, and if he was working at home in the garden he wouldn't wear it and has been known to forget if he's rushing to go out. I don't take offence to this or read into it any further because I'm similar too. I know he doesn't mean to forget and it's rare that he does.

I would be fuming that he is treating you with such disrespect. He's not coming back late (reasonable if he's having a great time and doesn't happen often) but to say he's not coming home? No. No. No. I would be livid.

Sundancerintherain · 16/10/2021 21:43

Sorry @1teaandchocolate but that us what the wife of my work colleague thought. He was playing away every time he worked away.

SummerWhisper · 16/10/2021 21:46

Please, please, please do what @BrilliantBulb suggested. Alternatively, cancel his hotel room. Not wearing his wedding ring is about women, not cars.

Justmuddlingalong · 16/10/2021 21:46

Is being a drinker and a cheat not possible?

621CustardCream438 · 16/10/2021 21:47

You clearly can’t trust him and rely on him - so what’s the point of him? I’d be getting my ducks all lined up for a separation. You don’t get to play “wing man” (yeah right) when you’re married with a couple of small children. If he wants to play at being single he can be single.

FWBNC · 16/10/2021 21:48

He has also told me he is going to stay at the wedding for the evening do so I'll have to take the kids home on my own and put them to bed whilst he enjoys a free room in the hotel

Who does he think he is telling you this?

Why can't you all stay?

Why can't you all go home?

Just NO

That's without tonight's shenanigans!

A wedding on a Sunday sounds odd though?!

I would be telling him if he stays there tomorrow night, he can stay there indefinitely.

FWBNC · 16/10/2021 21:49

@StormTreader

My suspicion would be that he's pulled which is why he's not coming back - he doesn't want to sleep in the same room as you at the wedding because he still feels guilty about cheating.
Or she's going to be there...
Penistoe · 16/10/2021 21:50

He's not cheating. He's a drinker. He is quicker to check out a car than he is a female

Sorry op but this is what you want to believe. Either way his behaviour is appalling.

mum2jakie · 16/10/2021 21:50

"You seem to enjoy acting like a single man. Carry on like this and you will be. It's my evening off tomorrow so you can take charge of the kids."

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2021 21:51

He has also told me he is going to stay at the wedding for the evening do so I'll have to take the kids home on my own and put them to bed whilst he enjoys a free room in the hotel.

Are you seriously going to allow him to get away with this? As though you're the skivvy and the nanny? You desperately need to raise your standards.

Notimeforaname · 16/10/2021 21:52

So what are you going to do about it ?
Just allow all this to happen? Say a few cross words?

He's a prick and you are allowing him to be a prick to you.

tickledtiger · 16/10/2021 21:53

😬 at the wedding ring thing. Up to no good.

Shallwegoforawalk · 16/10/2021 21:54

I'd be wondering who he has got lined up to share that nice hotel room bed with.

Time to give him a short sharp shock OP.

toocold54 · 16/10/2021 21:56

I'm obviously not coming home. Don't be angry

I’m extremely relaxed about this sort of thing and have no issues about partners going out or away but if he texted me saying “obviously I’m not coming home” I’d be fucking livid! It’s so disrespectful!
For me it’s not about the staying out as such, it’s the fact he keeps saying he’ll do something like coming back at a certain time and then changing his mind, why not just be honest and say that he had no intention of coming back today at all.

I wouldn’t say he’s cheating but I would feel he is missing single life and I would be preparing mentally for him to break up with you.

Biancadelrioisback · 16/10/2021 21:57

Is it possible that his friend who is newly single is struggling?

I'd be absolutely fine with it (the tonight thing, not the tomorrow thing) if he was being there for a friend going through something difficult. However he doesn't get to just have 2 nights off with a) no prior warning and b) no consideration for you.
If anything, you get to stay at the hotel tomorrow night and he takes over parenting duty.