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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at DH

255 replies

1teaandchocolate · 16/10/2021 21:15

On Friday morning, DH and his friend drove 4 hours down south for an event on the Saturday morning. He told me he would be back Saturday around 4. Fine by me.

He let me know when he was on his way back, told me roughly what time he would be at his friends (dropping him off). He rang me at 4.30 to tell me he was in a pub and would see me soon. DD (2) kept shouting daddy because she wanted to speak to him and I was trying to give DS (9months) his tea. He then rang back and told me he didn't know if he was going to come back. I then reminded him that he has a wife and 2 children at home and responsibilities. His friend is newly single and my DH seems to be enjoying being the 'wing man'.

After I put the kids to bed, I get a text 'I'm obviously not coming home. Don't be angry.'.
We have a wedding tomorrow lunchtime, his friend lives over an hour away and the wedding is over an hour away from our house. He has also told me he is going to stay at the wedding for the evening do so I'll have to take the kids home on my own and put them to bed whilst he enjoys a free room in the hotel.

I don't mind him having fun and seeing friends, but Ive have barely had any family time with him since beginning of august. He keeps making plans with his single mate!

AIBU?! I'm so annoyed at him, i haven't even text him back. I actually have no idea where he is. I don't know if he even made it back to his friends. I know he's in the country because his passport is here 👍🏼

OP posts:

RoisinD · 17/10/2021 11:12

Has he come home yet?

grapewine · 17/10/2021 11:13

I don't know why you would put up with this and haven't found your self respect somewhere.

Fluffycloudland77 · 17/10/2021 11:26

Something similar happened to dm hairdresser, married for years then her dh got promoted and started working and socialising with men who had golf club memberships and mistresses, before she knew it he had a golf club membership & was cheating on her. Luckily she worked so she got rid of him. He wasn’t expecting it because his new friends wives put up with it.

I’d watch your back because he friends trouble with a capital T.

ChristmasFluff · 17/10/2021 11:31

You know that saying about how you can tell a man by the company he keeps?

He's more than this friend's wingman - he condones the friends behaviour, otherwise he wouldn't be friends with him.

He is cheating - otherwise why turn off his location. Why take off his ring?

Morgan12 · 17/10/2021 11:32

Please update and say you aren't going to this wedding.

Luckytattie · 17/10/2021 11:40

If I was OP I wouldn't go to the wedding but I would have zero contact with her husband too.
So when he turns up he will expect to see her and the kids and then realise she isn't there, doesn't know where she is.
This is the problem at the moment, he thinks he is in control and will know exactly what the OP will do (fall into line and do as expected).
She needs to stop doing this and take control.

sazzy5 · 17/10/2021 11:53

How awful. I hate that men think they can behave as a single person does, but their partner has all the responsibility and never has the opportunity to cut loose. I hope you give him a very hard time.

LetsGoBrandon · 17/10/2021 12:01

Did he come home OP? Hope you're okay

MrsSkylerWhite · 17/10/2021 12:05

BrilliantBulb

This is so odd! As if you’d just stay out all night like it was no big deal! “

This. It just wouldn’t ever occur to my husband because he’s a considerate human being who treats other people the way he would hope to be treated.

trackerc · 17/10/2021 12:09

Thinking of you OP. I know it was only yesterday you got some realisation of how out of order this behaviour is, so although there are several messages that seem to be attacking or decrying your decision about attendance at the wedding (whatever it you choose to do) please dont disengage with this group. Just take your own time to work through this, make good decisions based on your circumstances- that none of us live.
What you get on MN is strong advice from lived experience. Don't interpret as criticism or unkind. It's sometimes the emotionally charged advice or observations there to protect & support you.
What you have in this thread is an unwavering view that his actions towards you, his DC and your relationship is unacceptable and not reflective of your worth. Be your own cheerleader, follow the advice you'd give to your best friend in this scenario & take time to take this all in.

R3ALLY · 17/10/2021 12:12

you poor thing, you don't deserve this. Unlike some of the others though I don't necessarily think he's having an affair. If he is a problem drinker he's likely on a bender. My OH was the same - he'd go off drinking and I'd get increasingly erratic texts saying he wouldn't be home - but blaming me in a weird way, 'I know you'll be mad with me' etc. It was as if he was having a full conversation with me in his head 'I bet she will stop me going out, I just want to let off steam with my friends and she'll be on my case' etc - all in his head and I'd just get these wierd and increasingly agressive texts. The wedding thing is exactly what he would text - thinking 'I bet she wont' even let me go to my friend's wedding' - but probably wouldn't follow through. So if he is a drinker that could be it. It's a big problem though that he needs to address. And you can't fix it! If he is on the lash for days I wouldn't leave the kids with him - he mightn't be up to it - just get him when he's sober and tell him this can't go on. For us it came to a head after the second child too - he just couldn't cope and turned to booze. I hope you have support - please tell someone in real life what is going on because often you end up hiding it and getting anxious yourself.

Tal45 · 17/10/2021 12:20

My answer to 'I'm obviously not coming home' would have be 'come home now or don't bother coming home at all.' He seems to think he's newly single with no responsibilities too.

Gonnagetgoing · 17/10/2021 12:22

If Jeremy Kyle were still around and you went on (eek!) and your DH did a lie detector test you can guarantee he’d fail.

Not sure how or to what extent your DH may be cheating etc but he’s certainly lying and keeping stuff from you and I wouldn’t be happy with that at all. His parents I think know a lot more about what the “friend” is up to too.

Eralos · 17/10/2021 12:28

How childish is he? This is insane.

JovialNickname · 17/10/2021 12:30

I don't think he's cheating but he's clearly bang out of order. The newly single "friend" is obviously whispering poison in his ear, you don't have to put up with this shit mate, she can't tell you what to do, you're the man of the house, put your foot down.

I'm not usually a fan of ultimatums but in this case I would be giving one. If you want a marriage and your children and our life together you get home now. Or if you prefer to act like a single man you can be one. I think it's important to assert your authority over this situation - to make clear you are his first priority and his mate is just that, a mate he sometimes hangs out with. Otherwise the "friend" and the associated lifestyle is going to be his primary relationship and you will just become the secondary "her indoors".

BoredZelda · 17/10/2021 12:34

A wedding on a Sunday sounds odd though?!

I got married on a Sunday. It cost us half the price of the Saturday. The Monday was a local holiday so most people were off work.

BoredZelda · 17/10/2021 12:35

My answer to 'I'm obviously not coming home' would have be 'come home now or don't bother coming home at all.'

Same here.

jackstini · 17/10/2021 12:39

Is he back yet OP?

AmyDudley · 17/10/2021 12:49

I wouldn't go to the wedding - its just a major hassle to you, and if anyone questions it tell them he messed everyone around, no one knew where he was, so you weren't able to get ready. Then I'd go and stay with parents or friends.

Part of the problem seems to be that he isn't capable of regulating himself. his bad behaviour results in you being angry, or his parents having a stern word.
And being 'told off' is just water off a ducks back, he can tune out. It's extremely immature to think that doing the wrong thing is worth being told off about afterwards so you can weigh up the cost of how you behave. he needs to understand that the reason you don;t do thing like this is because it is wrong and hurtful and disrespectful, those facts should be his regulator and for most adults they would be.
It sounds like the reappearance of the dickish friend has made him revert even further back to childhood.

The consequence of his behaviour should be that if he is disrespectful hurtful and selfish, you won't be 'cross' with him or 'put him in the doghouse' you will reconsider whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who behaves that way. So leave for a while to consider your options, and whether you want to be stuck with telling a manchild how to behave for ever.

You start dictating the terms of your relationship - and what you expect and want from a partner. Those are the consequences of him checking out and doing his own thing when he has a wife and two very young children.

GatoradeMeBitch · 17/10/2021 12:50

I suppose she's on her way to the wedding. Maybe her DH will spend a charitable hour with her and his DC's before he sends them all off again.

Women are unfortunately way too quick to decide their DH's have zero interest in women. They had enough interest to marry one and father children... Usually all it means is that he's very good at keeping his thoughts (and his phone) to himself.

If he's more impressed with his single friend than with his wife, it could easily lead him into trouble. Part of being a "wingman" is entertaining the friend. That only needs to go too far once and he could be informed in a few months that his 3rd DC is on the way.

Confrontayshunme · 17/10/2021 12:55

My DH did something like this the night before a wedding once. During the wedding breakfast, I asked him to watch grumpy DD so I could go to the toilet, then I went for a walk for half an hour and had a luxurious coffee and cake alone. I strategically left my phone on my seat and took a fiver. He was angry, but then said he understood how it felt to be alone dealing with a cranky toddler around people. Hasn't happened again.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 17/10/2021 13:20

@Confrontayshunme

I like hearing stories like this. It’s the perfect way to handle the situation.

I know some people might say it is passive aggressive but, done properly, it is showing rather than telling which means people actually empathise and remember and, if you are successful, they don’t do it again.

ChuddleyCannons · 17/10/2021 13:23

@Confrontayshunme you hero!

Pythonista · 17/10/2021 13:23

He presumably knew you would be furious so thought he may as well enjoy himself than go home for an argument.

Not saying I agree with it but I have seen it plenty of times

supersop60 · 17/10/2021 13:36

This current friend. Is he gay?

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