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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DH

255 replies

1teaandchocolate · 16/10/2021 21:15

On Friday morning, DH and his friend drove 4 hours down south for an event on the Saturday morning. He told me he would be back Saturday around 4. Fine by me.

He let me know when he was on his way back, told me roughly what time he would be at his friends (dropping him off). He rang me at 4.30 to tell me he was in a pub and would see me soon. DD (2) kept shouting daddy because she wanted to speak to him and I was trying to give DS (9months) his tea. He then rang back and told me he didn't know if he was going to come back. I then reminded him that he has a wife and 2 children at home and responsibilities. His friend is newly single and my DH seems to be enjoying being the 'wing man'.

After I put the kids to bed, I get a text 'I'm obviously not coming home. Don't be angry.'.
We have a wedding tomorrow lunchtime, his friend lives over an hour away and the wedding is over an hour away from our house. He has also told me he is going to stay at the wedding for the evening do so I'll have to take the kids home on my own and put them to bed whilst he enjoys a free room in the hotel.

I don't mind him having fun and seeing friends, but Ive have barely had any family time with him since beginning of august. He keeps making plans with his single mate!

AIBU?! I'm so annoyed at him, i haven't even text him back. I actually have no idea where he is. I don't know if he even made it back to his friends. I know he's in the country because his passport is here 👍🏼

OP posts:
MacMahon · 16/10/2021 23:02

Are you absolutely sure he hasn’t left you? That’s how I’m reading it.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 16/10/2021 23:08

[quote girlmom21]@JesusIsAnyNameFree because once you involve other people in your relationship your communication is shot.
What if they don't take the OP's side?

She needs to stand up to him, not run to his parents for help.

If my DP complained to my parents about my behaviour rather than just having it out with me I'd lose all respect for him. [/quote]
Well, this husband doesn't deserve any respect himself, so. Plus, act like a child, get treated like a child.

TatianaBis · 16/10/2021 23:09

@MacMahon

Are you absolutely sure he hasn’t left you? That’s how I’m reading it.
It’s not clear if he means tonight or ever.

I’d just text back: ‘damn right you’re not coming home, find somewhere else to live’.

GrandDuchessRomanov · 16/10/2021 23:11

I might have missed it but is there any reason why you couldn't have the kids in the hotel room with you both?

Travel cot and a put me up and you could all stay surely?

I think there is a possibility that @MacMahon might have a point OP.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 16/10/2021 23:13

@MacMahon

Are you absolutely sure he hasn’t left you? That’s how I’m reading it.
Who on earth would say "don't be angry" after saying they're leaving someone though.. That would be insane.
Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 16/10/2021 23:13

If my Son's appalling behaviour was affecting the Mother of my young Grandchildren then I'd want to know and I'd be tearing him a new arsehole tbh, especially if he was out with a mate that I'd previously called a 'homewrecker'

NeonTetras · 16/10/2021 23:17

Yeah, 'I'm obviously not coming home. Don't be angry.' reads like he's left the OP. I'm obviously not coming home tonight would put a different spin on it and make it sound better. But the blanket I'm not coming come sounds ominous, with Find Friends off, and no wedding ring. I hope it is as innocent as the OP thinks, but even if it is, he has showed such disrespect to her. Isn't it interesting that it's always the men who get to decide when the check in and out of being a father/husband. I would be having a very long talk with him, OP, regardless of whether you decide to go to the wedding or not.

BrilliantBulb · 16/10/2021 23:19

What are you going to do @1teaandchocolate?

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 16/10/2021 23:20

I am also not sure it's helpful to a woman sat on her own to find this out in the middle of the night, regardless of if it's just speculation or the actual truth..

Original poster
1teaandchocolate · 16/10/2021 23:21

He hasn't left me. When he comes home he will probably think I'm over reacting. I'm not being a push over this time. He seriously does not know how much trouble he is in.

And if his parents did know then they would be disappointed in him and his dad would have a stern word with him. But I shouldn't take me to tell his parents for him to realise he is in the wrong.

Im going to see what happens in the morning.
He is definitely in the dog house.

OP posts:
MacMahon · 16/10/2021 23:24

He is definitely in the dog house.

Yes, that’ll solve things Confused

Original poster
1teaandchocolate · 16/10/2021 23:27

@MacMahon

He is definitely in the dog house.

Yes, that’ll solve things Confused

I can't say what is going to happen. I need to see what happens in the morning. I'm angry at him and he won't be getting away with it
OP posts:
MacMahon · 16/10/2021 23:31

OP I just think this is beyond “in the dog house” territory.

Fizzbangwallop · 16/10/2021 23:32

When he comes home tomorrow, tell him he has a choice of his single friend or his family. He can’t have both. If he tells you that you are being unfair or he refuses to choose, you need to be brave and tell him you want to separate.

Blue4YOU · 16/10/2021 23:32

Oh either this is pure made up shit or OP you have been so controlled that you actually believe this man turns his find my friends function off for his parents??
Are you both twelve?
On the very slim chance this is a good picture of a real relationship any man who regularly took his wedding ring off, texted the rudest text I’ve seen to someone they love and/or have children with and they offended spouse (OP) actually countenanced going to a wedding with the offending absolute cunt of a “husband” the next day - because what would happen if you (OP) said I’m not going to the wedding and when you get out of the wedding you can go to your parents and then leave me alone for a month

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 16/10/2021 23:35

OP I'm really sorry to say it but this screams he's playing away.

He's taken off his wedding ring and he's not coming home in favour of being out 'at the pub' with his 'friend'.

He then wants you to leave the wedding with the children.

Why? Is she/he there? Is anyone he knows coming to the night do that he wants you out the way of?

Something's wrong and you know it is, that's why you posted this thread. Think, what else has there been? How's his behaviour been recently? Has he been keeping his phone guarded? Any new hobbies? Extended gym sessions? Lots of overtime? Going to see this 'friend' he's the 'wing man' for a lot more than normal?

Deadringer · 16/10/2021 23:36

He is treating you like staff. How fucking dare he.

Shamoo · 16/10/2021 23:37

I can’t believe what I’m reading OP. Seriously! This is absolutely appalling behaviour.

I would put my children in the car right now, drive to my parents, message the bride and groom to apologise that I won’t be there, and the my phone off. And I wouldn’t go home until I had a grovelling grovelling apology. If I didn’t get the apology I would divorce him. Seriously. I’m not saying that because it’s easy to say to somebody on the internet when it’s not your real life. You simply cannot allow him to treat you like this and think that he will ever have any respect for you.

Cheeseontoastwithchopsauce · 16/10/2021 23:37

He's basically been partying and playing at being single for the best part of 3 months if I'm reading it correctly...

Wow

GettingItOutThere · 16/10/2021 23:37

wrong?! id binbag his shit and tell him to go away for a week and think about his shitty behaviour!
how disrespectful of him, OP get angry and not "i will deal with him" he is a twat

chillied · 16/10/2021 23:46

He's also giving you potentially anxious timing issues tomorrow given you have a hours drive. What if he's hungover, or not back til mid morning...?

k1233 · 16/10/2021 23:46

He seriously does not know how much trouble he is in.

This is where I think women go wrong. He's not a child to be in trouble. He is an adult and just as entitled to do as he wants as you are. I think the discussion needs to be that you're no longer on the same page. From your perspective his behaviour is unacceptable because ... You want ...... (Fill in the blanks)

Turning off the location tracker to me would be concerning. Why did he do that if it's normally on?

lisaandalan · 16/10/2021 23:47

I would be absolutely furious, I'd text don't worry about coming back I will drop a suitcase off in the morning with all your clothes in.
He is taking the absolute piss.
Has he got a drink problem too ? X

chillied · 16/10/2021 23:48

Although, if I was you and didn't really know the people at the wedding very well, I'm not sure I'd put myself through all the stress of attending under these circumstances.

ChristmasPlanning · 16/10/2021 23:50

@1teaandchocolate

He hasn't left me. When he comes home he will probably think I'm over reacting. I'm not being a push over this time. He seriously does not know how much trouble he is in.

And if his parents did know then they would be disappointed in him and his dad would have a stern word with him. But I shouldn't take me to tell his parents for him to realise he is in the wrong.

Im going to see what happens in the morning.
He is definitely in the dog house.

He has treated you with disrespect. Surely nothing he can say in the morning is sufficient?

I rarely say this but LTB. He is putting his wishes (drinking/single friend/potentially cheating) before his responsibilities as a partner and father