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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kicked DP out for only fans this morning

323 replies

middleofthelittle · 15/10/2021 08:34

No really sure where to start but looking for some advice on wether I've been unreadable here.

I went up to bed last night abs DP phone was on the floor and he was asleep. There was notification saying new message from a strange app. I have never checked his phone before but never felt the need too but I opened it and he has had an onlyfans account since April. Spent over £200 on there but what has gutted me the most is 90% of it is to the same woman!!
He has been messaging her most weeks, it is absolute vile and has paid for "personal" videos of her saying his name in a sex act. I am absolutely gutted.

What is strange is that she is just a skinner, prettier version of me, but the same looks, age and body type. Why am I not good enough?!

I lay awake until 4am when I couldn't hold it in anymore and confronted him. He admitted it all and said he is sorry ect. We spoke for 3 hours about how and why I am so upset and angry. I explained about my core values and if they don't match his we shouldn't be together.

He has been struggling with depression and has been medicated since January and there has been a big improvement but that does not excuse this!

I told him to pack a bag and not come home from work tonight as I don't want to be anywhere near him. He has packed a overnight bag and went to work.

I just don't know what to do, he says he has never "cheated" in person but that is besides the point. He has used online prostitution and to me that is deep misogyny and not something I would ever accept.

I'm absolutely gutted and unsure wether I have been too harsh in kicking him out?

OP posts:
Original poster
middleofthelittle · 15/10/2021 08:35

Unreasonable - Possibly unreadable too due to my poor grammar.

OP posts:
HerRoyalWitchyness · 15/10/2021 08:37

Yanbu. I wouldn't put up with that either.

Shoxfordian · 15/10/2021 08:37

Not too harsh as this is how you feel
I would feel the same as you about this

HellonHeels · 15/10/2021 08:37

That is grim OP. What is your housing situation? Is it your house or joint?

Depression doesn't make people set up Only fams accounts and pay into the sex industry.

NigelSlatersXmasTaters · 15/10/2021 08:38

No, you haven't been too harsh. I couldn't put up with that and he's a dirty, misogynistic liar. Depression has nothing to do with it.

Original poster
middleofthelittle · 15/10/2021 08:40

He lives in my house thankfully.

I just can't believe he would do this, he knows exactly how I feel. I've voiced my opinion many times about the topic. To the point that the owner of a local restaurant made a joke that he spends all the money on onlyfans so I said to DP we are never eating there again as the mans a pig. But he was doing it the whole time!! I feel like a right idiot

OP posts:
Tellmeee · 15/10/2021 08:40

No you can’t be in a healthy loving relationship when he’s spending money doing things like that in secret.

B229 · 15/10/2021 08:42

Yanbu or too harsh it's cheating and I wouldn't accpept it either.

Od130990 · 15/10/2021 08:42

YANBU
Paying for private videos & chatting via text is cheating.
It's not like he's just watching porn; he's paying for 1 woman specifically.

Sciurus83 · 15/10/2021 08:42

Not too harsh, don't make excuses for him depression didn't make him do this this is gross and would be a deal breaker for me.

RevolvingPivot · 15/10/2021 08:42

I suppose because it's all online he doesn't see it as reality. Probably similar to porn. It would disgust me and I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it. Only you know your situation though. Could you talk to someone who knows you both?

GoodGrief100 · 15/10/2021 08:42

YANU at all. It's quite gross that he's justifying his actions by saying he's never cheated in person....just because you've never met physically, in my book this is still cheating.

RevolvingPivot · 15/10/2021 08:43

Oh just seen your update where he already knew your view. I've never heard of only fans.

Mumoblue · 15/10/2021 08:43

No I wouldn’t put up with that either.
£200 on porn, yikes.

You’re right, clearly you guys have a fundamental clash of values- you’re better off without him.

LJAKS · 15/10/2021 08:44

If it's over the line for you then that's that. You won't be able to look at him in the same light again. If you couldn't eat in the restaurant of a man who does it you can't possibly share a bed with one. It makes it worse that he knew your feelings on the matter. Not like you hadn't discussed it prior and shared your boundaries. He's just outright disrespected them. I couldn't come back from that. I'm sorry. Thanks

Gohaveanap · 15/10/2021 08:45

If this was me, he’d be gone. He has no respect for you, or for other women for that matter. The trust is broken. I’m sorry.

DoItAfraid · 15/10/2021 08:46

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this.

This Only Fans thing causes nothing but drama from all I can see in my friendship groups.

I think you did the right thing asking him to leave but that doesnt make it any less hurtful. Also please dont compare yourself to the other woman.

Take care of yourself.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 15/10/2021 08:46

@NigelSlatersXmasTaters

No, you haven't been too harsh. I couldn't put up with that and he's a dirty, misogynistic liar. Depression has nothing to do with it.
This.

Well done for having good boundaries.
Also what a headwreck was his choice of woman!!!

Original poster
middleofthelittle · 15/10/2021 08:51

I think it makes it worse that he has had private videos done.
I went through their chat log and he has messaged her "morning, when's the new video out" and "Can you do me a personal one babe"
She comes back with a list of things and their price and he picks one, obviously pays (£18?!) and she sends the video later that day.
He's bought 4 private videos, I only watched two briefly as I was shaking.

One time was of her stripping off - whilst talking into the camera which I found absolutely cringe. The second was her masturbating into a mirror whilst saying his name.

To be honest I'd rather he cheated with a consenting willing partner than had to pay some poor women to fingerherself on camera for £18!

It's upsetting as its always the same women, yes she might look like me but she's a better version of me and that really hurts.

OP posts:
Original poster
middleofthelittle · 15/10/2021 08:53

To be honest I don't want to talk about this with friends as I'm so embarrassed. They know my views on it, so it's humiliating that my own partner has done this.

OP posts:
2lsinllama · 15/10/2021 08:53

He’s crossed the line as far as you are concerned (and I think most women would feel the same). It may not be helpful to you but I always find it useful to think about all your options going forward and what the likely/possible consequences could be. I’d try to put my hurt and upset to one side for a moment and do a mind map as that’s how my brain works. People on here can give advice but only you can decide what to do. I’m sorry this has happened to you.

Rainbowsew · 15/10/2021 08:56

Yanbu - so sorry for you but at least you know it to invest any more time into this relationshipFlowers

ZenNudist · 15/10/2021 08:59

Ugh. YANBU. I'm sorry you are going though this but stay strong. You don't want a guy like this in your life!

girlmom21 · 15/10/2021 08:59

You've done the right thing in kicking him out. He's a dirty cheat and it's worse IMO that he's paying for it.
Like you say, she's only done it for the money.

HeyArnoldHey · 15/10/2021 09:00

I am fine with poronography and masturabation etc but this is way to far. It would be a complete betrayal for me.

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