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AIBU?

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Original poster

Kicked DP out for only fans this morning

323 replies

middleofthelittle · 15/10/2021 08:34

No really sure where to start but looking for some advice on wether I've been unreadable here.

I went up to bed last night abs DP phone was on the floor and he was asleep. There was notification saying new message from a strange app. I have never checked his phone before but never felt the need too but I opened it and he has had an onlyfans account since April. Spent over £200 on there but what has gutted me the most is 90% of it is to the same woman!!
He has been messaging her most weeks, it is absolute vile and has paid for "personal" videos of her saying his name in a sex act. I am absolutely gutted.

What is strange is that she is just a skinner, prettier version of me, but the same looks, age and body type. Why am I not good enough?!

I lay awake until 4am when I couldn't hold it in anymore and confronted him. He admitted it all and said he is sorry ect. We spoke for 3 hours about how and why I am so upset and angry. I explained about my core values and if they don't match his we shouldn't be together.

He has been struggling with depression and has been medicated since January and there has been a big improvement but that does not excuse this!

I told him to pack a bag and not come home from work tonight as I don't want to be anywhere near him. He has packed a overnight bag and went to work.

I just don't know what to do, he says he has never "cheated" in person but that is besides the point. He has used online prostitution and to me that is deep misogyny and not something I would ever accept.

I'm absolutely gutted and unsure wether I have been too harsh in kicking him out?

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 15/10/2021 09:40

You are definitely not unreasonable. I'd have done exactly the same thing.

And good on you for sticking to your boundaries. I also suspect its not all hes done.

In your position I'd dump his stuff outside for him to get, and don't interact with him again. he knows your views on it. There is nothing he can say to actually justify doing any of that.

And do not be embarrassed to tell your friends. If I was your friend i'd be pretty proud of you for kicking him immediately to the kerb to be honest and 100% support you.

Itawapuddytat · 15/10/2021 09:43

No, you haven't been too harsh at all.

Sausagedogsarethebest · 15/10/2021 09:43

Not unreasonable at all OP. I agree with you that this is just online prostitution. Your partner is vile and I too would be getting rid, without a doubt. Does he even have lots of excess cash to be wasting in this way? I hope he's been paying his share of bills and stuff.

whosfarted · 15/10/2021 09:44

YANBU. It's that personal thing that he's specifically messaged this woman and asked for personal things. It's almost like an emotional thing that he keeps going back to the same person. And paying £200 for it is just disgusting, especially as he's living with you OP. I've read many threads on here about men that have porn addictions and use all the family money!

Thewiseoneincognito · 15/10/2021 09:49

Plenty of men use OFs these days, most just know how to turn off notifications.

TeeBee · 15/10/2021 09:49

Not unreasonable at all. He wouldn't be for me either. He's a bit grim isn't he? Why the hell are you embarrassed???! It's his shame not yours. Can't cope with a normal woman, he would prefer one on camera being paid to do what he wants. What a fucking loser. Kick him to the kerb and laugh about him to your friends. Definitely not your shame lovely.

neednotknow · 15/10/2021 09:50

to be fair, even the women on onlyfans think this type of behaviour from men is pathetic - they're just doing it for the money.

OP you are well shot of him, just cause shes skinnier and 'prettier' in his view doesn't mean she's actually more attractive at all. Dont let his grossness affect you like that...There's someone out there that will think you are the most gorgeous and the prettiest and now you've got rid of that dick, you can find them.

well done for having some self respect

Timetoretiretospain · 15/10/2021 09:51

@Thepurpleturtle

but she's a better version of me and that really hurts

But she’s not a better version of you- she fingers herself on camera for £18

Well said !!!
pumpkinpie01 · 15/10/2021 09:53

Well done for kicking him out , I would find that unforgivable . It's not a little mistake , it's prolonged and planned . Please stick to your guns this relationship will not make you happy .

Rainbowqueeen · 15/10/2021 09:53

Op if you didn’t kick him out you would be feeling so much worse about yourself.
The shame is all his. He messed up. Nothing to do with depression. Never known a woman with depression to do this.
Grieve the end of the relationship but be proud of your boundaries

LaetitiaASD · 15/10/2021 09:54

I think that you need to really carefully think things through. The best case is it could be viewed as "personal porn", where he has deliberately chosen to look at someone who reminds him of you. It could equally be viewed as disgusting cheating / prostitution.

Only you can decide where your boundaries lie, but OBVIOUSLY YANBU for reacting badly to behaviour that most would see as disgusting.

Slagertha · 15/10/2021 09:54

It's one thing watching a random video online and another thing entirely, interacting with another woman and paying for personalised videos to be sent for him to have a wank over! It doesn't matter if she looks like you, that doesn't make it any better or forgivable xx

Ruralbliss · 15/10/2021 10:00

Utterly horrific. I'm so sorry. What a hideous way to find out and see all the exchanges.

My friend was cheated on for prostitutes by her husband and we both agreed it was way worse than him falling for someone else. He of course didn't see it like that.

Feeing for you hugely and agree you've done the right thing by slinging him out.

Once a shaggy sleaze bag always a dirty two-timing wanker.

VladmirsPoutine · 15/10/2021 10:01

Only fans is actually better for sex workers. That said yanbu, he's crossed a huge boundary.

LampLighter414 · 15/10/2021 10:01

I think you need to think this through more and consider making it work OP if he has been fine otherwise.

audersandbaby · 15/10/2021 10:02

I’m in two minds. I know people who are the women on OF and they absolutely have no care who the man is. They are not vulnerable and they do it for extra money - supply and demand economics. Why not.
So I wouldn’t actually get caught up on her. Men often like the same pornstar which no one gets hung up about (if they’re not against porn in general) so I don’t see it any different. There is no emotional connection.

I also think that I absolutely understand why men pay for it. It is personalised porn, it makes them have a thrill without actually crossing the physical boundary or even an emotional one.
He isn’t sending pictures to her so I don’t see it as bad as sexting. They’re not both getting off. She is faking it.

I do find it grim though for me and wouldn’t want my partner to do it. That’s mainly because the money aspect, I find it pathetic and unattractive. Also just use free porn to get off and grow up.

TheVanguardSix · 15/10/2021 10:04

But she’s not a better version of you- she fingers herself on camera for £18
Fuck yes!!! Put it on a post-it note on the mirror, OP, and remember this!

facelessworrier · 15/10/2021 10:09

Definitely not being unreasonable. He's basically paying someone to have an imaginary affair with him.
Not only does it make him a sad pathetic sex pest but also really shows his value on women.
Well rid of that, don't look back.

Sittingonabench · 15/10/2021 10:11

I absolutely think it’s cheating - it’s just a cowards way of doing it. I do see the pp’s point of it being personalised porn but for me that doesn’t seem correct. There has been contact via messages to this person resulting in them doing acts requested - that’s not voyeurism like porn is - it’s active participation.
I don’t judge these women for doing what they do although agree with you OP that the system is set up to prey on the vulnerable and in most instances is not freely consented to but under economic duress. And your partner has played his role in that system despite knowing the damage it will cause. For me this is more than a simple indiscretion which I could forgive. He has been doing it while sober, spent money on it and it has been going on for a prolonged period.
It’s really sad and I feel for you. If you can’t get back the trust then it’s likely best it’s over quickly.
I also hate that some men think an apology is enough.

AdoraBell · 15/10/2021 10:11

YANBU, and no one is a better version of you. He has no respect for women, you will be better off without him. Also, you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

fumfspos · 15/10/2021 10:15

YANBU.
It's vile.
And even if some other people come on this thread and tell you it's fine etcetc, they wouldn't split up because of that, it isn't their decision. If it's dealbreaker for you then split up with him.
He isn't going to stop doing this now. He might for a while but now he's had a taste of it he'll be back sooner or later.

Herja · 15/10/2021 10:15

He gets off on/while exploiting women.

He deliberately picked a manner to do this that you had clearly explained your issue with - so he has no respect for you, or gets off on disrespecting someone who loves him.

The personal nature took it from porn to cheating. And porn is fucking grim enough; just exploitation one step removed.

You're not overreacting at all.

DON'T feel you can't tell your friends. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. He, on the other hand, has quite a bit to feel embarrassed by. He's scum and you have nothing to feel bad about.

Stillfunny · 15/10/2021 10:15

I feel the same way about porn , etc as you do. When I found my DH had used sites , it was a deal breaker.
No way would I want to stay with someone so sleazy and disgusting.
After 32 years of marriage he is gone.

IsThePopeCatholic · 15/10/2021 10:16

You’ve absolutely done the right thing. Exploiting women for his own gratification is unacceptable .

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 15/10/2021 10:16

I would be devasted if my husband did this and would definitely class it as cheating. I'm so sorry OP.

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