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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kicked DP out for only fans this morning

323 replies

middleofthelittle · 15/10/2021 08:34

No really sure where to start but looking for some advice on wether I've been unreadable here.

I went up to bed last night abs DP phone was on the floor and he was asleep. There was notification saying new message from a strange app. I have never checked his phone before but never felt the need too but I opened it and he has had an onlyfans account since April. Spent over £200 on there but what has gutted me the most is 90% of it is to the same woman!!
He has been messaging her most weeks, it is absolute vile and has paid for "personal" videos of her saying his name in a sex act. I am absolutely gutted.

What is strange is that she is just a skinner, prettier version of me, but the same looks, age and body type. Why am I not good enough?!

I lay awake until 4am when I couldn't hold it in anymore and confronted him. He admitted it all and said he is sorry ect. We spoke for 3 hours about how and why I am so upset and angry. I explained about my core values and if they don't match his we shouldn't be together.

He has been struggling with depression and has been medicated since January and there has been a big improvement but that does not excuse this!

I told him to pack a bag and not come home from work tonight as I don't want to be anywhere near him. He has packed a overnight bag and went to work.

I just don't know what to do, he says he has never "cheated" in person but that is besides the point. He has used online prostitution and to me that is deep misogyny and not something I would ever accept.

I'm absolutely gutted and unsure wether I have been too harsh in kicking him out?

OP posts:
KILNAMATRA · 15/10/2021 09:05

You weren’t to know, it’s not your fault.. you have a right to your views and to be respected.. you must be so disappointed in him. The idiot should have been enhancing his real live sex life with you rather than his virtual one.. Yes I’d consider it cheating.. you need your friends, no one would judge you, call them and get some girly support.. you’re decisions are fine, he was cheating..

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/10/2021 09:05

Nope. I would never be able to look him in the face again.

You have done nothing wrong. He's just a sleazy twat. But I'm sorry you had to find out like this.

TheVanguardSix · 15/10/2021 09:08

Fuck him.
If exploitation of women is what puts his dick on 'hard' and if the valid hurt feelings of his partner go ignored and undiscussed, fuck him and the horse he rode in on... is my stance on men who watch porn without giving the consequences of their actions a second thought.

You did the right thing, OP. "Waaaah I'm depressed and I need to wank to porn and throw money at it because I'm depressed." Boo fucking hoo. Cry me a river. Kick that clown to the kerb. Who needs it?! Life's too short.

scooterbear · 15/10/2021 09:09

I think this would eat away at me tbh. I have no issue with porn but the specific videos and paying that amount of Money just seems an extra step to me and it would bother me a lot.

ThirdElephant · 15/10/2021 09:10

It's definitely cheating.

BrilloPaddy · 15/10/2021 09:13

I couldn't ever respect him again after that.

It's just grim however you look at it.

Luckytattie · 15/10/2021 09:14

Not unreasonable. I'd be so hurt and upset.
The fact he laid for her to say his name etc is just....urgh.

Get rid

CyclingIsNotOuting · 15/10/2021 09:18

To be honest I'd rather he cheated with a consenting willing partner than had to pay some poor women to fingerherself on camera for £18!
👏👏

Stick with what you believe OP.
You’ll never be able to trust him again.
Even if it is the only fans stuff, that’s still too much.

icelollycraving · 15/10/2021 09:20

Jesus, what a grot bag. I suspect the very thought you would find it gross added to the excitement. Get rid. People paying £18 for someone to say their name whilst they are on camera touching them self is grim.
One of the young women I know was telling me how much things are on only fans and that she would rather just fuck them for £50. People seem so desensitised to it.

Strugglingtodomybest · 15/10/2021 09:20

You've done the right thing. Once respect goes, a relationship has had it, and I don't imagine you'll ever respect him again after this.

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/10/2021 09:22

No, yanbu, one strike and your out for me.

connelly · 15/10/2021 09:22

YANBU.

Watching porn is one thing, it's a whole other thing to interact sexually with another woman. I'd consider it cheating.

Neonplant · 15/10/2021 09:22

It doesn't matter if others would be OK with this op. You're not, it's a boundary in your relationship which he's crossed.

Personally I also wouldn't be happy with this.

Triffid1 · 15/10/2021 09:23

@connelly

YANBU.

Watching porn is one thing, it's a whole other thing to interact sexually with another woman. I'd consider it cheating.

Yes this. Even if you're okay with porn (which clearly you're not), this isn't porn. It is a specific sexual act with another woman. Ick.

I don't blame you at all OP. what a horrible thing to happen.

Threewheeler1 · 15/10/2021 09:24

YANBU at all.
Dirty, grim git.
It's gross and demeaning all round.
You deserve better.
In the bin with him.

Kuachui · 15/10/2021 09:27

Personally anyone paying for attention is pretty gross in my eyes.

It's as you say online prostitution and he is part of the problem in the world.

Nocutenamesleft · 15/10/2021 09:29

So I’m really laid back. I don’t ever get jealous.

However this is grim. It’s paying for sex whatever way you look at it.

diddl · 15/10/2021 09:29

Why would you think that you are unreasonable?

It could be (imo) the slightest thing that you have decided that you won't put up with any more.

BlueSuffragette · 15/10/2021 09:30

OP, he's grim. You did the right thing. ❤ x

Thepurpleturtle · 15/10/2021 09:32

but she's a better version of me and that really hurts

But she’s not a better version of you- she fingers herself on camera for £18

ErickBroch · 15/10/2021 09:33

You are not unreasonable at all, it would be over for me!

itsallgoingpearshaped · 15/10/2021 09:33

@middleofthelittle

He lives in my house thankfully.

I just can't believe he would do this, he knows exactly how I feel. I've voiced my opinion many times about the topic. To the point that the owner of a local restaurant made a joke that he spends all the money on onlyfans so I said to DP we are never eating there again as the mans a pig. But he was doing it the whole time!! I feel like a right idiot

Yikes. He even had a loud and clear warning about how you felt about it and carried on ... suspect you're well rid.
Harlequin1088 · 15/10/2021 09:34

What would concern me is that the Only Fans account is what he's coughed to (only because you've caught him out) so it begs the question what else has he been up to that he's not admitted to...

You are not unreasonable at all. If he knew your dim views of patronising the sex industry then it can't come as a surprise to him that you've reacted like this.

Sending you hugs.

Jumpalicious · 15/10/2021 09:38

Interesting that he’s chosen the very site he knows you despise. Power trip 101. Pile of shit. Dead right you kick him out. Well done.

Tedimhoardingrightsosaur · 15/10/2021 09:39

No YANBU at all. He has cheated on you with a woman prostituting herself to him. And he has exploited her and whatever circumstances she has found herself in that means this is how she makes money.

Don't get hung up on her looks/questioning why aren't you good enough. It's not about you or anything you've done wrong. It's about him being a gross, exploitative, prostitute using pig. If you have problems in a relationship, you talk about it and try to resolve it, and end it respectfully if it isn't working. You don't seek sexual thrills elsewhere whilst enjoying having your partner run around after you oblivious.

You'll probably have the Only Fans apologists come along to tell you off. My advice, just ignore them.

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