Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kicked DP out for only fans this morning

323 replies

middleofthelittle · 15/10/2021 08:34

No really sure where to start but looking for some advice on wether I've been unreadable here.

I went up to bed last night abs DP phone was on the floor and he was asleep. There was notification saying new message from a strange app. I have never checked his phone before but never felt the need too but I opened it and he has had an onlyfans account since April. Spent over £200 on there but what has gutted me the most is 90% of it is to the same woman!!
He has been messaging her most weeks, it is absolute vile and has paid for "personal" videos of her saying his name in a sex act. I am absolutely gutted.

What is strange is that she is just a skinner, prettier version of me, but the same looks, age and body type. Why am I not good enough?!

I lay awake until 4am when I couldn't hold it in anymore and confronted him. He admitted it all and said he is sorry ect. We spoke for 3 hours about how and why I am so upset and angry. I explained about my core values and if they don't match his we shouldn't be together.

He has been struggling with depression and has been medicated since January and there has been a big improvement but that does not excuse this!

I told him to pack a bag and not come home from work tonight as I don't want to be anywhere near him. He has packed a overnight bag and went to work.

I just don't know what to do, he says he has never "cheated" in person but that is besides the point. He has used online prostitution and to me that is deep misogyny and not something I would ever accept.

I'm absolutely gutted and unsure wether I have been too harsh in kicking him out?

OP posts:
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 15/10/2021 12:19

I’m totally team @middleofthelittle

He’s a pig.

Hold your head high and move on. You’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about xxx

Shade17 · 15/10/2021 12:26

It’s not cheating, not even as bad as visiting a strip club! Sounds like he needs to learn how to be more discreet, most men manage that quite well.

Mymapuddlington · 15/10/2021 12:32

It’s not cheating, not even as bad as visiting a strip club!

It’s worse than a strip club.
Usually you go to a club with some mates, have dance for a laugh or whatever, go home.

Strippers don’t finger themselves saying your name, they don’t reply to messages, they’re in a public place, not on a screen in your marital bed calling your name. Revolting.

GabriellaMontez · 15/10/2021 12:35

Ewww just ditch him.

Unsure33 · 15/10/2021 12:37

i dont see how men think this is not cheating - there is a screen between them in affect - nothing more .

and i am sorry but how will mens respect for women or attitude to sex improve when there are women willing to do this .

LaBellina · 15/10/2021 12:38

@Mymapuddlington

It’s not cheating, not even as bad as visiting a strip club!

It’s worse than a strip club.
Usually you go to a club with some mates, have dance for a laugh or whatever, go home.

Strippers don’t finger themselves saying your name, they don’t reply to messages, they’re in a public place, not on a screen in your marital bed calling your name. Revolting.

Exactly
VaguelyInteresting · 15/10/2021 12:38

What @mermoose said.

However grim this guy is, why do we need to pull down and drag on the sex worker? Who for all you know, was working on the streets and is on Only Fans because she won’t ACTUALLY run the risk of getting raped and murdered online? Nobody is better than her, whether they’re the OP or a poster.

So many women saying that the bloke is “degrading” this woman by paying her for personalised porn - how about pointing out how degrading some of the comments on here are too?

I’m sorry for what you’re going through OP, your partner sounds like an arse and you’re well shot.

I really detest how these threads go though, and just betray women’s internalised misogyny.

Yogawankonobi · 15/10/2021 12:38

@Shade17

It’s not cheating, not even as bad as visiting a strip club! Sounds like he needs to learn how to be more discreet, most men manage that quite well.
I don’t understand this?
Unsure33 · 15/10/2021 12:39

@Shade17

of course its cheating - if he was meeting someone in a hotel and they were 2m apart doing the same thing - its cheating . No different .

LalalalalalaLand123 · 15/10/2021 12:40

For me personally OP, I would never see this man again, I could not be with someone who would do that, for many reasons on many levels.

sadie9 · 15/10/2021 12:41

He's got a sex addiction and he needs professional treatment for that.
Is he currently seeing a counsellor?

Unsure33 · 15/10/2021 12:43

@VaguelyInteresting

so if 14 and 15 year olds are exposed to sex workers on only fans this easily then their attitude to women and sex will be normal is that what you are saying ?

I understand where you are coming from but even so its everywhere now . how can men have a normal healthy relationship with sex and their partners when its so easy to "cheat " with on line personal services .

VaguelyInteresting · 15/10/2021 12:46

@Unsure33

How does what you say negate the fact that we shouldn’t be dragging on sex workers?

If “it’s everywhere” it’s because men are buying it, search engines are optimising it, social media sites aren’t developing adequate policies to deal with it and advertisers are making revenue.

Not because sex workers are making a living.

MrMrsJones · 15/10/2021 13:03

My SH and I have discussed what is acceptable or not and he is under no illusions what is and isn't a deal breaker.

This is cheating, buying of a female body to wank over, messages to each other.

Just yuk!!!!

If this is your line, boot him out!

oiltrader · 15/10/2021 13:06

@Mymapuddlington

he sounds to be going through some stress and has some harmless release. forgive and move on

There are other outlets for stress rather than paying hundreds of pounds for what boils down to online prostitution.

maybe you need to have an open mind
nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 15/10/2021 13:06

I couldn't get past that. Porn wouldn't really bother me tbh but this is basically using a prostitute.

Messaging a sex worker is bad enough but the same one? Yeah that's cheating. It would be over for me.

oiltrader · 15/10/2021 13:07

@sadie9

He's got a sex addiction and he needs professional treatment for that. Is he currently seeing a counsellor?
if thats the case most men have an addiction
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 15/10/2021 13:07

@oiltrader
Maybe you need to respect that other women have boundaries

TheFairPrincess · 15/10/2021 13:07

Maybe you need to accept that some people form emotional attachments when in love with someone, @oiltrader, and accept that people in monogamous relationships have an expectation of fidelity and emotional and sexual exclusiveness.

Literally why are you trying so hard to justify this? So what if some people might be okay with it? The OP isn't, like 90% of people aren't, and that is perfectly acceptable for her.

Janey3090 · 15/10/2021 13:08

YANBU, he's a disgusting excuse of a man. You deserve better than this.

Please don't say she's a better version of you, because the fact she's doing things like this proves she isn't. It's gross.

I would run if I was you, believe me you can do SO MUCH BETTER. xx

oiltrader · 15/10/2021 13:09

@TheFairPrincess

Maybe you need to accept that some people form emotional attachments when in love with someone, *@oiltrader*, and accept that people in monogamous relationships have an expectation of fidelity and emotional and sexual exclusiveness.

Literally why are you trying so hard to justify this? So what if some people might be okay with it? The OP isn't, like 90% of people aren't, and that is perfectly acceptable for her.

indeed

just seems to be a lot of perfect world stuff on this thread
I say give the lad a break. has stress going on. would be worse spending it on drink and booze IMO

oiltrader · 15/10/2021 13:10

sorry I meant drink and drugs

LJenn · 15/10/2021 13:12

I'd be well rid of him OP. He's been going behind your back asking for private sex videos. Doesn't get much grimmer and more blunt than that. You deserve better! Talk to your close girlfriends though. You need the backup right now😞.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 15/10/2021 13:12

@oiltrader

sorry I meant drink and drugs
They’re your boundaries. Not paying for sex workers is OP’s boundary.
TheFairPrincess · 15/10/2021 13:13

I understand where you are coming from but even so its everywhere now . how can men have a normal healthy relationship with sex and their partners when its so easy to "cheat " with on line personal services

Is this for real? Poor men being bombarded with sex, how can they ever expect to have an intimate relationship with an actual partner and not be jacking off online 24/7? I'm sorry but no, this is not a valid argument with any basis in reality.

Also I don't mean to come down on you so hard, but this is literally straight up out of the Paul Elam, MRA handbook. "How are poor men supposed to cope in a world of hypersexualised women who are all so attractive we couldn't possibly help but to try and stick it everywhere all of the time"