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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kicked DP out for only fans this morning

323 replies

middleofthelittle · 15/10/2021 08:34

No really sure where to start but looking for some advice on wether I've been unreadable here.

I went up to bed last night abs DP phone was on the floor and he was asleep. There was notification saying new message from a strange app. I have never checked his phone before but never felt the need too but I opened it and he has had an onlyfans account since April. Spent over £200 on there but what has gutted me the most is 90% of it is to the same woman!!
He has been messaging her most weeks, it is absolute vile and has paid for "personal" videos of her saying his name in a sex act. I am absolutely gutted.

What is strange is that she is just a skinner, prettier version of me, but the same looks, age and body type. Why am I not good enough?!

I lay awake until 4am when I couldn't hold it in anymore and confronted him. He admitted it all and said he is sorry ect. We spoke for 3 hours about how and why I am so upset and angry. I explained about my core values and if they don't match his we shouldn't be together.

He has been struggling with depression and has been medicated since January and there has been a big improvement but that does not excuse this!

I told him to pack a bag and not come home from work tonight as I don't want to be anywhere near him. He has packed a overnight bag and went to work.

I just don't know what to do, he says he has never "cheated" in person but that is besides the point. He has used online prostitution and to me that is deep misogyny and not something I would ever accept.

I'm absolutely gutted and unsure wether I have been too harsh in kicking him out?

OP posts:

Original poster

middleofthelittle · 16/10/2021 19:23

@EspressoDoubleShot

No I want you to understand that is this is not some game, or magazine agony aunt page.

This is my life. This is my emotions and my entire relationship down the pan.

I didn't come on here for everyone to agree with me, some people haven't and that's is fine. What I don't need is you attacking my absolutely reasonable point of view!

I haven't agreed with any posters calling her a whore or a slut because she isn't. And it takes some beef to say that about the woman who has wanked herself off to my partners name!

I am asking for compassion and understanding.

Something you are clearly incapable of.

OP posts:

Dervel · 16/10/2021 19:32

I think this would be more characterised as a support thread more so than a deep dive into the philosophical intricacies of the sex industry. Obviously there is some overlap, but just a little bit of moral support of the OP is the order of the day?

EspressoDoubleShot · 16/10/2021 19:35

Your boyfriend is wholly responsible for your turmoil and upset, not me
Do not misrepresent my post as an attack on you or your unfortunate situation. I did and do take issue with your global statements as you can see by my responses

Do I have compassion for your emotional turmoil.?Absolutely
It’s a shocking event that has revealed your partner to be capable of lying, manipulation and he has a porn habit too

Do I disagree with your post regards complicity etc. Yes. Reasons outlined previously

You cannot conflate my response about the OF girl and complicity with adversely commenting upon the situation your boyfriend created,and your reaction to it

Original poster

middleofthelittle · 16/10/2021 19:47

@EspressoDoubleShot

You were quicker to jump to the OF woman's defence than you were to mine. That's the only thing you commented on, not the absolute shit storm of what's happened. But "what about her feelings". What about mine?!

Wether you like it or not, she has been involved in the worst few days of my life and I have had to watch her send personal sexual videos to the man I absolute love and adore. How can you not understand how hurtful that is and how resentful I am feeling. At 98% my partner but yes 2% at her!

I have been more than fair and empathetic to her. I of course feel hurt and like I have been put below her emotionally and physically by my partner. So let me be bitter, this has all happened in less than 36 hours ago.

I don't understand how you've turned this into an attack on me and my views.

If you are so pro-women that you claim, you really are being cruel right now.

OP posts:

Lostandlittle · 16/10/2021 19:51

@middleofthelittle

He lives in my house thankfully.

I just can't believe he would do this, he knows exactly how I feel. I've voiced my opinion many times about the topic. To the point that the owner of a local restaurant made a joke that he spends all the money on onlyfans so I said to DP we are never eating there again as the mans a pig. But he was doing it the whole time!! I feel like a right idiot

Probably why he did it

EspressoDoubleShot · 16/10/2021 19:52

It is my role to defend youIf that’s what you’re seeking online or mn you’ll be disappointed
I’m defending no one, I am stating my opinion and that may or may not suit you
I have never typed what about her feelings. That is you. You typed that. You’ve misread or paraphrased.Understandably in your upset and rage you’re sensitised and feel under attack

EspressoDoubleShot · 16/10/2021 19:55

It is NOT my role to defend you. Typo

CharlieP1977 · 16/10/2021 19:58

[quote middleofthelittle]@EspressoDoubleShot

I don't understand how you've turned this into an attack on me and my views.

If you are so pro-women that you claim, you really are being cruel right now. [/quote]
Completely agree with you.

Hope you are ok and please don't let his actions make you reflect any of this on yourself xxx

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 16/10/2021 20:00

Oh @EspressoDoubleShot

OP is in pain. Is it really important that you drill your point home?

We get it. You disagree. Move on and let OP vent and attempt to put some order to the clusterfuck that’s just bombed her life.

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 16/10/2021 20:01

@espressodoubleshot

EspressoDoubleShot · 16/10/2021 20:02

Charlie I don’t need to defend op. I understand she feels bereft,in turmoil etc. I get it
That however doesn’t mean I or others need to agree with every single post
Or leap defensively when op feels got at,and post in an affirmation of all her posts

Ghoulette · 16/10/2021 20:13

OP I would honestly ignore @EspressoDoubleShot and focus on the brilliant advice of other posters here. They are clearly only here to be a goady fucker and have targeted you when you are feeling very vulnerable and, justifiably, angry.

The rest of us are here to support you, rather than get into pathetic semantics about whether sex work is OK or not

QueenBee52 · 16/10/2021 20:23

Hope you are okay @middleofthelittle 🌸

Lostmarbles2021 · 16/10/2021 20:25

So sorry OP. That’s awful. I think I’d feel the same and want him out too. It would cross a line for me. He knew your views too which is somehow worse. I think there is a mismatch in a core value here. I guess it might take toy time to see if there is enough to try and overcome this. May be a session or two with Relate? You could talk on your own or with him. It seems a shame to just let it go (but I’d struggle to move on from this too).

You deserve better than that. Look after yourself really well.

IrishMel · 16/10/2021 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

EspressoDoubleShot · 16/10/2021 20:31

Of course the op can and should ignore posts she dislikes or disagree with
You too are at liberty to dismiss semantics and be consistent in your supporting posts @Ghoulette.
I haven’t been unsupportive of op ghastly situation nor do I fail to understand it’s enormity or impact. It is perfect possible to globally agree with op but specifically disagree on specific ideologies and details of sex work

Babochan88 · 16/10/2021 20:51

I wouldn’t put up with it. Yanbu

LJenn · 16/10/2021 21:23

Hey OP. How are you today? 💐💐

Hugoslavia · 16/10/2021 23:06

Depression doesn't make people set up Only fams accounts and pay into the sex industry.

Maybe not, but some anti depressants can cause more risk taking/impromptu behaviour and diminish a person's sense if responsibility or feelings towards others. They can act more impulsively and in a way that they might not ordinarily do. It might be worth considering this angle if his behaviour would normally be out of character for him.

Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 16/10/2021 23:31

I would feel the same OP

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 17/10/2021 11:51

@EspressoDoubleShot

EspressoDoubleShot · 17/10/2021 11:59

That’s really added to the conversation, no need for mere words when a biscuit will suffice
Because on a discursive forum the biscuit Is king

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 17/10/2021 12:14

@EspressoDoubleShot

That’s really added to the conversation, no need for mere words when a biscuit will suffice Because on a discursive forum the biscuit Is king

?? The biscuits were merely to accompany your espresso. Take some time out, love. We all think you need it.

EspressoDoubleShot · 17/10/2021 12:16

In the absence of words how was I supposed to guess, love

Ladyraven0483 · 17/10/2021 12:58

Yanbu I wouldn’t want to even look at my dh if he’d have done this. The trust would be gone

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