Kicked DP out for only fans this morning

[middleofthelittle]

No really sure where to start but looking for some advice on wether I've been unreadable here.

I went up to bed last night abs DP phone was on the floor and he was asleep. There was notification saying new message from a strange app. I have never checked his phone before but never felt the need too but I opened it and he has had an onlyfans account since April. Spent over £200 on there but what has gutted me the most is 90% of it is to the same woman!!
He has been messaging her most weeks, it is absolute vile and has paid for "personal" videos of her saying his name in a sex act. I am absolutely gutted.

What is strange is that she is just a skinner, prettier version of me, but the same looks, age and body type. Why am I not good enough?!

I lay awake until 4am when I couldn't hold it in anymore and confronted him. He admitted it all and said he is sorry ect. We spoke for 3 hours about how and why I am so upset and angry. I explained about my core values and if they don't match his we shouldn't be together.

He has been struggling with depression and has been medicated since January and there has been a big improvement but that does not excuse this!

I told him to pack a bag and not come home from work tonight as I don't want to be anywhere near him. He has packed a overnight bag and went to work.

I just don't know what to do, he says he has never "cheated" in person but that is besides the point. He has used online prostitution and to me that is deep misogyny and not something I would ever accept.

I'm absolutely gutted and unsure wether I have been too harsh in kicking him out?

@ILoveJamaica

I lay awake until 4am when I couldn't hold it in anymore and confronted him

That is literally the only thing YABU about - I could not have held in my anger for one second.

It is cheating in my opinion. How would he feel if you were asking strange men for videos and paying for it? I can't imagine he'd be cool with that, so why is it ok for him?

Exactly.

Or what if OP was the one sending videos like that to other men, would he be okay with that? I bet he wouldn't.

Regardless of the virtual cheating...you have discovered your partner is a sad case who pays for sexual services. That is money that could contribute to your household expenses. He is a loser, you caught him out doing something yuck and sponsoring an industry that abuses womankind. There is something tragic about a person paying for a complete stranger to strip for them. It speaks volumes about who the customer is as a person. You made the right decision to kick him out, and please change the locks as he may have spare keys.

It absolutely is cheating

Don't be afraid to reach out to friends. You don't have to say it was OF you can just say he cheated and you don't want to go into details

If I was your friend I would just feel outraged on your behalf, I wouldn't find it embarrassing for you at all. Just pleased you left them.

@oiltrader

was only some excitement in a pandemic. the fizzle goes out of things eventually

What a scummy pig. Ugh.

I could never have him back.

Would be done for me.

How cringe as well, sitting there with his sad little penis in his sad little hand paying £18, jesus.

Sorry op. Keep him out for good. My skin would crawl if he touched me again.

I’d pack the rest of his stuff and put it outside for him to pick up. What a vile little creep. As awful and shocked as I’m sure you feel right now, at least you know what he is like so you don’t waste any more of your time on him.

Go with your gut op. It’s cheating and breach of trust. I couldn’t unsee it. Don’t let him minimise it. How would he feel if you were messaging a bloke regularly or ordering a personal video (so grim) or if you were going what this woman is. Depression isn’t an excuse.

I'd be devastated too, sounds gross and yes it's a huge violation of trust and boundaries.

@oiltrader that you OP's BF?

Definitely cheating, you've done the right thing to get rid, you deserve better.

I'd feel the same OP.

Forget the money for a moment. If he was getting videos of Sandra in accounts mansturbating for camera or his old friend from school stripping off, then how would you feel. Why would he think this was different? Did he have any excuses? You made clear your views on it and he did it anyway

From a practical point of view...do you think you could ever get over it, even if you did decide to give things another go, do you think you could ever trust him not to do this again? If its something that he has developed a habit for, what would he be doing to make sure he breaks the habit? How could he prove to you that he wasnt doing it again behind your back?

What a sleazy, exploitative git.

And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he’s using OF, as another poster has pointed out. Sounds like a definite two fingers held up by him to your principles and feelings.

In the bin with him. Don’t let him plead depression, lots of people are depressed, they don’t do this to their partners.

You absolutely did the right thing. Well done you. Now keep him put completely.

I'd have no respect or trust for a man who did this.

Yuk.

The trouble is.. these men don't even have to leave the house to cheat anymore! They just do it whilst sitting next to their lovely wife on the sofa. This world has gone bonkers! I'm sorry you've found out what your DH is really like op. You are definitely NOT being unreasonable. You deserve better

I wish people would stop using mental health as an excuse to cheat and other shitty behaviour!

Hi op, I’ve been where you are.
Depressed, messaging women, paying for nude photos etc this started years ago. It escalated into messaging and trying to meet ‘real’ women (if you know what I mean)

7 times he has said he has said he’s sorry and will stop.
Several times it’s my fault because I’m fat/ugly/don’t do enough for him.

It doesn’t change. I’m sorry but he has cheated on you, mentally and emotionally and just a step away from physically.

[quote TheFairPrincess]@oiltrader that you OP's BF?[/quote]
course not. but it is the case in life.

he sounds to be going through some stress and has some harmless release. forgive and move on

forgive and move on hes paying for perosnal porn

It's not a harmless release, he has literally emotionally harmed and upset the OP

Grim. That amount of hate and entitlement to women's bodies. Awful . The closeness to you would leave me utterly cold too. Presumably he extends that feeling of degrading to how he thinks of you. Awful excuse for a human.

*Degrading her/ wanting to degrade someone I mean

he sounds to be going through some stress and has some harmless release. forgive and move on

There are other outlets for stress rather than paying hundreds of pounds for what boils down to online prostitution.

The fact that he’s messaging with her and paying for personal videos would really upset me too. It doesn’t matter that he’s paying for this shit. If a random woman that he had met in a pub would send him for a thrill and not get paid it would be still be the same thing, only difference would be her motives but his are absolutely the same. Vile.

he sounds to be going through some stress and has some harmless release. forgive and move on

Grim!

A harmless release is screaming into a cushion, or a long talk with a good friend. Not sleazy exploitation of women and deliberate breaking of your partners known boundaries.