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AIBU?

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Original poster

Kicked DP out for only fans this morning

323 replies

middleofthelittle · 15/10/2021 08:34

No really sure where to start but looking for some advice on wether I've been unreadable here.

I went up to bed last night abs DP phone was on the floor and he was asleep. There was notification saying new message from a strange app. I have never checked his phone before but never felt the need too but I opened it and he has had an onlyfans account since April. Spent over £200 on there but what has gutted me the most is 90% of it is to the same woman!!
He has been messaging her most weeks, it is absolute vile and has paid for "personal" videos of her saying his name in a sex act. I am absolutely gutted.

What is strange is that she is just a skinner, prettier version of me, but the same looks, age and body type. Why am I not good enough?!

I lay awake until 4am when I couldn't hold it in anymore and confronted him. He admitted it all and said he is sorry ect. We spoke for 3 hours about how and why I am so upset and angry. I explained about my core values and if they don't match his we shouldn't be together.

He has been struggling with depression and has been medicated since January and there has been a big improvement but that does not excuse this!

I told him to pack a bag and not come home from work tonight as I don't want to be anywhere near him. He has packed a overnight bag and went to work.

I just don't know what to do, he says he has never "cheated" in person but that is besides the point. He has used online prostitution and to me that is deep misogyny and not something I would ever accept.

I'm absolutely gutted and unsure wether I have been too harsh in kicking him out?

OP posts:
DILevil · 15/10/2021 10:18

You are not overreacting and I would also consider that cheating. Do you have any kids together or is it easy to make a clean break?

romany4 · 15/10/2021 10:18

Yanbu.
That's cheating. And disgusting as far as as I am concerned

SparklingStars10 · 15/10/2021 10:19

This would be a dealbreaker for me too. I’d rather be on my own.

LagunaBubbles · 15/10/2021 10:24

You have nothing to be embarrassed about, this is really grim and its not something I could ever get over. What was his excuse?

WonkyDonks · 15/10/2021 10:27

You gave him a firm boundary and he chose to cross it. The old excuses regarding 'depression' just add insult to injury.

hamstersarse · 15/10/2021 10:27

I think you have to go with your feelings on this one - it is grim

I do find myself being a little bit 'sorry' for men. These types of services really do hijack their senses in every way. Personalised porn for £18? That is unheard of in the entire history of humanity. We really are in a mess with all of this.

I do blame individual men in one sense, but I also recognise this stuff is like crack cocaine for their senses and they have to fight it very consciously.

EvenRosesHaveThorns · 15/10/2021 10:36

That is a terrible, horrible shock, but I would just say look at your relationship as a whole and what your position is. I would differentiate between personal Only Fans videos and an affair with a colleague or 1 night stand in real life, as in its on a spectrum and his actions are arguably at the lesser end of it (for now, at least). However, if for you it is completely black and white binary, then definitely LTB.

middleager · 15/10/2021 10:39

YANBU. This would be a dealbreaker.
Please don't excuse him. Depression does not justify this.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/10/2021 10:40

To me that as good as cheating (and way more sleazy) You are absolutely not BU

TrussOnABus · 15/10/2021 10:41

YADNBU, this is absolutely a form of cheating and not something that I could move on from. There’s something extremely unsavoury about grown men in secure relationships paying for sex services online.

I know you’re probably so far removed from thinking about the future, but I promise that in the long run you are far better off without a man with morals like his. There are plenty of lovely men out there who would never do this to you. Stay strong Flowers

TrussOnABus · 15/10/2021 10:42

@middleager

YANBU. This would be a dealbreaker. Please don't excuse him. Depression does not justify this.
And yes also this ^

Depression absolutely does not erase the awareness of right and wrong. Please don’t let him use this as an excuse for hurting and betraying you

PersonaNonGarter · 15/10/2021 10:43

He’s gross, OP. You’ll always be thinking of this.

Everything about it is cheap and icky.

ILoveJamaica · 15/10/2021 10:46

I lay awake until 4am when I couldn't hold it in anymore and confronted him

That is literally the only thing YABU about - I could not have held in my anger for one second.

It is cheating in my opinion. How would he feel if you were asking strange men for videos and paying for it? I can't imagine he'd be cool with that, so why is it ok for him?

oiltrader · 15/10/2021 10:46

was only some excitement in a pandemic. the fizzle goes out of things eventually

TeeBee · 15/10/2021 10:47

@Thepurpleturtle

but she's a better version of me and that really hurts

But she’s not a better version of you- she fingers herself on camera for £18

Beautifully put!!

And that's what you need to remember OP. You're a rounded, living human being with talents, passions, desires, ambitions. He wants a body on a screen wanking herself off for £18. Leave him to it. Find somebody better.

NewlyGranny · 15/10/2021 10:48

My word for it all is sordid, and I could never feel the same about someone who'd done this from either side of the arrangement. But a woman might be desperate to feed or clothe her little children, and to do what she did for £18 certainly smacks of desperation.

He has no excuse, no self-respect, no respect for women and no place at your side, I'm afraid, as he has deceived and disgusted you.

And as Harlequin says, what else has he been up to? This could be everything or it could be the tip of an iceberg. When he's gone, do get checked for any STIs he may have shared. 😕

AntiHop · 15/10/2021 10:50

I'm so sorry op. This is an absolute betrayal. I'm of the opinion that (most) porn is unacceptable, but even if you have a relaxed attitude to this, what he has done is totally over the line. And I agree, this is worse than cheating with a willing other

MegaClutterSlut · 15/10/2021 10:56

Yanbu, my marriage would end over something like this

Mermoose · 15/10/2021 10:56

YANBU. I'd worry that you felt the need to ask others if you were justified in your reactions - of course you were. If you think it's likely that he will guilt-trip you into staying with him or accepting this, just tell him to move out now & to stay with family/friends while you gather your thoughts. That way if you decide it's best to get rid of him (I know I would) you won't be put off by emotional manipulation.

I don't agree with the posts saying that the OF woman is worth less because of her job - we don't know her circumstances and many women who go into this are exploited and damaged by it. She's not better than you, she's not worse than you, you're both women, human beings, not ornaments to be judged by men.

Namenic · 15/10/2021 10:57

OP - I would do the same. Different people have different boundaries. He knew your feelings and did what he wanted anyway.

Good luck building a better life away from him.

QuentinBunbury · 15/10/2021 11:00

I stayed with exH for 5 years after finding he paid webcam girls for private sessions, I really wish I hadn't as the relationship was irredeemably damaged. I basically realised that he wasn't the person I thought he was, tried to "be reasonable" and get over it but to no avail. Its left me with loads of issues and my self esteem on the floor.
I think you are doing the right thing to get out now, well done

starrynight87 · 15/10/2021 11:00

This is horrible, what a shock OP!

You are doing the right thing. To me it's cheating and lying.

GoodnightGrandma · 15/10/2021 11:02

I’d kick mine out if he did this, so well done.

Wauden · 15/10/2021 11:02

@Thepurpleturtle

but she's a better version of me and that really hurts

But she’s not a better version of you- she fingers herself on camera for £18

This. Please don't run yourself down.
Fluffycloudland77 · 15/10/2021 11:04

I agree with you. £200 on only fans is taking the piss.

You’ll never trust him again.

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