Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be infuriated by worn out mum neighbour

214 replies

humanvulture · 14/10/2021 19:49

Driving a clapped out 17 year old Volkswagen polo with her three infant/ toddlers in tow ... all day long... while Dad drives a new huge BMW SUV x5 , 2 miles to work everyday and back because he has a BIG job.
Drives me nuts , yet not My business. Only that she is an SAHM and is perpetually exhausted and run ragged.

OP posts:
MamsellMarie · 15/10/2021 06:24

Have you met her mother?
I suspect her DM was a hard done by (in DM's eyes) unappreciated slave to the family . She is continuing the trend.

Pinklioness · 15/10/2021 06:26

@saltinesandcoffeecups

Isn’t it up to the her to do something about it? You can’t (or shouldn’t) care more than her. If she doesn’t like the situation she needs to change it. That may be by getting a job outside the home, retraining or additional education, or leaving the marriage.

I am so perplexed by the weird thought process that is so prevalent in these threads. Women should be equal and they should command all of the equality, but it’s unfair when we don’t get it handed to us. And before anyone else says it “But it’s not that easy because of reasons. Of course it’s not easy but it is possible.

You could say that about absolutely any situation. If you had absolutely zero empathy. Do you think everyone in a domestic abuse situation should just leave too. Everyone who has a difficult family should either suck it up or go NC.

Really OP I think the only reason you're getting these replies is because MN loves a pile on against SAHM. It's so depressing, but the same people would go mad if they were judged at all for their choices.

Also there's a strong streak here of 'none of your business'. This applies whether someone is having an affair, has a horrible child, is an alcoholic, whatever, we're supposed to all just ignore it and focus fixedly on our own lives.

In a better world, people care enough about each other to want more for them.

Interesting, also, that the people who believe so much in minding their own, are incapable of reading comprehension too, trotting out the same incorrect lines even though you have clarified the situation early on.

All you can do is give her a bit of emotional support OP, and hopefully she'll become more empowered to not put up with the sexist bullshit, because I sincerely doubt it just applies to the car.

NumberTheory · 15/10/2021 06:26

@Sparklfairy

He has a show off wank mobile he can feel the Big Man in but hasn't thought about what's best for the family.

That said, I'm not sure I'd want three kids in a brand new car if I had the choice between that and the old one where it doesn't matter when the inevitable spills, dings, and sticky fingers happen. I imagine he would be even more unbearable as soon as it was marked or damaged by the kids in any way.

It's not a choice between a 17 year old Polo and a new 60+k car, though. You can easily buy two cars for the cost of an X5. If she felt uncomfortable driving a new car they could have got a 3 year old Golf or Subaru Outback or whatever suits the wife and he could still have had a brand new BMW, just not an X5.
Snoods · 15/10/2021 06:29

I would imagine our neighbours might feel the same about us. Lived here 15 years. Both work full time with DC, who I mainly run about. DH always took the ‘main’ car to work. Always something quite big and new. I’ve always taken the small run around. It’s just what I prefer. Not into cars, just want it to get me somewhere, and don’t like worrying about scratches and dents .. I always park miles from everything if I use the newer car.

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 15/10/2021 06:51

@Nidan2Sandan

Oh shit OP, am I in trouble now?

SAHM for 10 years, I had the car & DH had to cycle everywhere. Now I work too but I have the lush SUV & DH the ancient car.

Does this make me a wanker, or does your rage only go one way?

She is not talking about you, and would not have to if you were her neighbour because clearly you are nothing but amazing.

OP seems to me to be showing a bit of compassion for a mother of three very young kids who is exhausted. It is decent of the op to notice.

I would like to have the OP as a neighbour rather than the "she made her bed she should lie in it" types who seem to be attracted to this thread.

MamsellMarie · 15/10/2021 06:53

OMG I would not put 3 under 5s in a new BMW - why give yourself all the extra cleaning to get it back to decent whereas old clapped out heap, the rubbish can pile up on the floor. Grin

Lifeisaminestrone · 15/10/2021 06:54

Can’t believe you are reading so much into this!
I’d never spend my own money on a fancy car it’s a complete waste of money.
However, his role may require him to have a fancy car - mine does!

When you buy a company car it is similar to an ordinary purchase so you wouldn’t know.
Old cars don’t mean unsafe - that’s why they have an MOT each year. She’s probably running it into the ground!

Anyway, however they share / split finance is none of your business!

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 15/10/2021 06:54

@Snoods

I would imagine our neighbours might feel the same about us. Lived here 15 years. Both work full time with DC, who I mainly run about. DH always took the ‘main’ car to work. Always something quite big and new. I’ve always taken the small run around. It’s just what I prefer. Not into cars, just want it to get me somewhere, and don’t like worrying about scratches and dents .. I always park miles from everything if I use the newer car.
And that is wonderful for you.

However, as the OP said, the lady in question does not like her car....

Abi86 · 15/10/2021 06:57

This thread in general and MN more broadly has so many micro aggressive comments. Critical thinking seems to be in short supply at the expense of a poorly phrased quip. This forum will turn into a toxic morass unless it gets moderated a little more diligently. I suspect many of you know this already.

MamsellMarie · 15/10/2021 07:01

This thread in general and MN more broadly has so many micro aggressive comments.

My take would be that the answer to the initial concern is so obvious that it isn't worth telling.
The woman should ask for her husband to buy her a better car - though imv my comment above is very relevant, don't have a fancy car with 3 toddlers.

ohihateithere · 15/10/2021 07:01

This thread is really weird! She probably doesn't care as much as you do

onelittlefrog · 15/10/2021 07:05

She might actually like that car/ not care about having a BMW. Have you asked her?

You have made a massive assumption.

BonnieGoWayward · 15/10/2021 07:08

Dh has always had a much bigger and much nicer car than me, even though I transported 3 dc around in mine.

Size wise, it's quite literally because of his size. I currently have a mini which is perfect for me but dh genuinely finds it uncomfortable to drive for more than ten minutes - he looks ridiculous in it and the seat behind him can't be used at all as his seat needs to be pushed right back. He needs a bigger car than me regardless of passenger numbers.

Anyway, on the nicer point - it's because he loves cars and I don't. As long as it's safe and reliable I'd drive any old beat up crap car, I really don't care and have no desire for anything better. Dh on the other hand takes genuine joy from his car.

It just makes sense that he has the 'nice' family car and I have the much less-nice, smaller second run-around.

I imagine many families are similar.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 15/10/2021 07:10

@onelittlefrog

She might actually like that car/ not care about having a BMW. Have you asked her?

You have made a massive assumption.

Yes, the OP has made it clear she knows this for a fact as her neighbour has complained to her about it. Why is it so hard for people to read all the posts by the OP in a thread before commenting themselves?
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/10/2021 07:11

Nobody had to have multiple children, quit work and therefore have no salary. We all make our own choices.

Lightisnotwhite · 15/10/2021 07:11

@Snoods

I would imagine our neighbours might feel the same about us. Lived here 15 years. Both work full time with DC, who I mainly run about. DH always took the ‘main’ car to work. Always something quite big and new. I’ve always taken the small run around. It’s just what I prefer. Not into cars, just want it to get me somewhere, and don’t like worrying about scratches and dents .. I always park miles from everything if I use the newer car.
Same. I like a convertible, I like leather seats, I like a big car. I drive lots of kids about. “New” is not on any list.

Maybe she likes a moan about her old car but that doesn’t mean she wants an enormous new thing.
“His” car presumably becomes the family car at some point though as he wouldn’t fit in if they were all out for the day.

stayathomer · 15/10/2021 07:12

However, as the OP said, the lady in question does not likehercar....
She probably doesn't read as much into it as OP does though, god if peope analysed my gripes this much (mostly made in passing over the years) I'd be in troubleGrin

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 15/10/2021 07:23

My car is a pile of shit
My ex drives too of the range Beamer

I work part time
He works flat out in very senior role and pays me a shed load of maintenance

I don’t have a grudge about the car situation Grin

fedup65356 · 15/10/2021 07:31

This thread is a reverse post.

LactoseTheIntolerant · 15/10/2021 07:44

I get where you're coming from op. It's more about how he feels about his wife and kids. Really for safety etc they should be in the bigger/newer car, and for his short journey he could have a cheap run around. The message it gives off is that his image is more important to him then the safety/ well being of his family. I've met men like this, they are so dull and narcissistic.
One of my friends husband drives around in an Aston Martin, whilst she has to shop in charity shops for clothes because he 'gives' her such a tiny budget for her and the kids at some point it turns from them just being a bit of a wanker to financial control/ abuse.

vivainsomnia · 15/10/2021 07:55

I really have an issue with people who use others as example to drive their agenda when they know about knowing about their situation.

My OH drives a very nice car. He was very excited when he got it. His office is a 5mn drive. The reality behind. It IS a company car, and even though he drives to the office most morning, he then spends the rest of the day driving to meetings. I'm entitled to drive the car but not to make it my main one.

I drive a small car. I've chosen it. The use of it doesn't justify the cost of a bigger car.

End of, nothing more to it, no evidence of sexism or abuse or whatever else!

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 15/10/2021 07:57

@fedup65356

This thread is a reverse post.
Confused

What’s the reverse? Who is the op on the scenario

Offmyfence · 15/10/2021 08:02

Not your circus or your monkeys! None of your business.

You do sound quite jealous of the DH new car though.

Offmyfence · 15/10/2021 08:11

@humanvulture

Did I come across as angry?? I didnt think so!
You really do and dreadfully over invested!

If I were your neighbour, I'd be right pissed off if you were talking about me on a public forum. Like you need to fight my battles for me.

No thanks.

Are you intending to go back to your neighbour and say "look mumsnet thinks he is BU"?

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 15/10/2021 08:15

A you don’t think you come across as angry?

OP, that’s actually quite scary that you don’t think that

What the heck are you like when angry? Shock