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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it me or is DH? Or a bit of both.

180 replies

Perspectiveneeded44 · 14/10/2021 10:43

Hi all,

Right have changed my username.

Have just left DS downstairs with DH as I needed to get out of the room.

I feel like I’m loosing my mind here so need some perspective.

Before I start with DS DH is good with him but has never ever had him for more than a couple of hours at a time and never on his own. This used to be because of BF but now at 4 months DS is mostly bottle fed but still I have him all the time.

I know I’m not perfect in any of this as I don’t like to let things go but am learning to walk away instead of arguing. I hate the thought of arguing in front of DS.

My DH works full time, two days a fortnight he works a 12 hour day 7-3 the rest of the time. He had 5 days off a fortnight and quite a bit of annual leave.

This argument has blown up because I went to DH at 7:45 this morning handed DS over and asked him to have him for an hour and half so I could get some sleep. He did but begrudgingly. I had been up since 3:30 as DS stirred and cried but only fully woke at 5:50. I got up with him after a long feed at 6:50.

I do all night feeds all wake ups and DH is in spare room ( originally my choice as DH can’t cope without sleep) so doesn’t have unbroken sleep like me.

When I came downstairs DH has been a bit off with me and basically feels like I don’t do enough. This is the same argument we always have. I do the majority of the cooking and the cleaning. DH will do a clean every so often but not consistently.

The house is in a bit of a mess today as I didn’t clean it last night.

He says other woman manage to look after their babies and tidy and what exactly do I do all day. Apparently other people have commented about how lazy I am. As I’m off it’s considered my job to do all domestic chores.

I am beginning to resent him as I feel so inferior.

I will be going back to work FT in January.

Am I wrong in thinking DH should pull his weight too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Perspectiveneeded44 · 14/10/2021 10:43

I should add DS doesn’t nap much in day maximum 10 mins.

OP posts:

MistyFrequencies · 14/10/2021 10:47

He's a prick. I'm angry for you. FWIW I didn't keep the house clean when I had one baby, you know what my husband did? Hired a cleaner. That is the only reasonable response if your wife is busy taking care of your child and you're too much of a fuckwit to clean the house yourself.
Your post seems like he is punishing you for making him parent his own child which is just awful.
I'm so sorry he's treating you like that.

SylvanasWindrunner · 14/10/2021 10:53

Or course YANBU but it's a tale as old as time sadly. A lot of men either somehow mask the fact they are selfish pricks or the warning signs aren't obvious enough when it's just the two of you.

Obviously he should be helping but it doesn't sound like you telling him he should be will make a blind bit of difference as he sounds like a total knob.

I imagine he's gaslighting you too - no one has been commenting on you tidying or not tidying your home or how lazy you are. He's lying to try to make you feel embarrassed and ashamed. I had a male 'friend' like this in my first job as a teenager, he would tell me that everyone else hated me, that they'd said X, Y and X about me, how lazy I was, how stupid, etc. Bollocks of course but he did it to make me feel bad so I'd feel like he was my only hope. Classic abuse and I hate that I didn't see it then. It really affected me.

Merryoldgoat · 14/10/2021 10:54

He is an arsehole.

My DH is far from perfect but is an equal partner and has always been a proper parent.

Even at the early stages when I was BF he’d take the baby, change him, bring him back and get me anything I needed whilst feeding.

Later on we shared nighttime’s. I did most whilst on mat leave but he did all the cooking and we shared housework.

My DH has literally NEVER complained about how the state or the house.

TrialofTrials · 14/10/2021 10:54

We have hired a cleaner as well as I simply don't have time to clean... And my husband would rather spend his time off with baby than do the cleaning

starrynight87 · 14/10/2021 10:57

I feel so sad for you. Who are these 'other people' who have commented?

Asking him to look after his own child isn't a big ask.

SpinsForGin · 14/10/2021 10:58

I'd be very surprised if anyone has actually said this.
He's a misogynistic prick. Time for a serious discussion I think.

Merryoldgoat · 14/10/2021 10:59

And if someone commented to my husband that I was lazy he’d tell them to fuck off.

MikeWozniaksMohawk · 14/10/2021 11:00

My DH admitted after we had our second child and because of lockdown, different job etc he was around more, that when I was on mat leave with our first he would come home and wonder what I’d done all day. He just didn’t realise what it was like looking after a baby all day every day on your own. He feels really bad about it. I think your DH could do with a dose of reality and needs to be left with the baby for a decent stretch of time so he realises it’s not feasible to also keep on top of all of the household things.

SylvanasWindrunner · 14/10/2021 11:00

Also I know some people might disagree but when I was on maternity leave, my job was to look after DD and recover from birth, not be a cleaner and cook to a grown man.

Before you had a baby, your DH had to do his share of housework and cooking, so why does having a baby change that? Why does his life suddenly become easier at the expense of yours? Why is he doing less now than he was before? That's not how it's supposed to work.

starrynight87 · 14/10/2021 11:01

@MikeWozniaksMohawk

Totally agree, he must have no idea what you do!

vivainsomnia · 14/10/2021 11:01

You would be much better to have a clear routine so expectations are clear.

Agree which chores he should do, which morning he looks after your baby.

It's frustrating to be expected to help on an ad hoc basis when it suits the other person when ultimately both are knackered.

When you know you need to do X, y or Z and can prepare mentally for it, it's much easier and helps avoid resentment.

Hercisback · 14/10/2021 11:02

He's a wanker.

However I'd b making steps towards sorting the sleep out for your ds. Lack of day sleep will be impacting night sleep, he's probably massively over tired. Will he sleep in a sling? Rocking buggy? Bouncy chair?

How much mess is realistically being made? Baby can't create their own mess at that age so it's DH or your mess.

Time for a proper chat.

gannett · 14/10/2021 11:04

Men who nitpick over how tidy their wives are keeping the house are the absolute fucking worst.

GoodnightGrandma · 14/10/2021 11:04

You need to agree now on who will do what when you go back to work.

WakeMeUpin22 · 14/10/2021 11:05

What a cheeky bastard.
I've never said this before but LTB.

Youseethethingis · 14/10/2021 11:06

Other men manage to do their share of looking after their own babies and homes, is he quite well? What has he been doing with all that free time if not looking after his family? Poor ickle manz.
Yeah id patronise the fuck out of him.
"If you try really hard, do you think you'd be able to take your turn cleaning the bathroom? I know, you've only had the 8 hours unbroken sleep, it's just terrible for you, but can you dig really deep in this one?"
Basically hold a mirror up and let him see what he looks like. If he has any pride in himself as a husband and father he won't like what he sees.

Original poster

Perspectiveneeded44 · 14/10/2021 11:10

Thanks for the responses so far. I do feel undervalued by DH. How I move forward I don’t know.

I grew up in a home where my dad pulled his weight and was on shifts similar to DH. My mum worked long hours and my dad did the cooking, ironing washing etc. He pulled his weight and then some. My DH grew up in a family where the woman do everything around the house all cooking cleaning washing everything and fit in work.

DH says he is knackered due to work. I get that his work is short staffed so it’s hard going but I try and help. I might take DS fir a walk so he can have time to himself.

OP posts:

Hercisback · 14/10/2021 11:13

When's your time for yourself?

He needs to step up and realise how much you do.

Leave him for a longer period with baby, then when you get back, kick off about the house and no dinner.

Original poster

Perspectiveneeded44 · 14/10/2021 11:13

@vivainsomnia

You would be much better to have a clear routine so expectations are clear.

Agree which chores he should do, which morning he looks after your baby.

It's frustrating to be expected to help on an ad hoc basis when it suits the other person when ultimately both are knackered.

When you know you need to do X, y or Z and can prepare mentally for it, it's much easier and helps avoid resentment.

I have tried to do this but it’s never stuck to we are supposed to share doing bedtime but last week I did all of them.

OP posts:

MiniPumpkin · 14/10/2021 11:14

It’s not your job to make sure it’s the house is clean and tidy, you have enough to do with looking after dc. I am off on mat leave, with a 4 month old and 3.5 year old. I do night feeds but at a minimum I give dc to dh one night and there was a point I was waking him at 6am every morning so I could get an hour before he got ready for work. I do my best with the house but he wouldn’t dare comment 🤣 plus it’s his job too
I’m sorry you are experiencing this you don’t need his crap at this time. Also to add my other mat leave friends all struggle with ‘surviving’ I.e keeping everyone alive, fed and clean.
As for what to you do all day ? 🤣 tell him to take a shot and see, in the early days when babies colic was bad I was lucky if I got a lunch

Original poster

Perspectiveneeded44 · 14/10/2021 11:15

@Hercisback

When's your time for yourself?

He needs to step up and realise how much you do.

Leave him for a longer period with baby, then when you get back, kick off about the house and no dinner.

He sees that I go to my mums or meet a friend for coffee as time to myself. I do do those things but DS is always with me.

In 4 and half months I have had two or three mornings where DH took DS.

OP posts:

2catsandhappy · 14/10/2021 11:16

Plan a day out on your own. Leave all baby prep to him and give him a list of chores you expect to be done. Include a nice meal for you at the end of the day.
He will soon find out "..exactly what you do all day"
Nip this in the bud op!

Notimeforaname · 14/10/2021 11:18

He sounds like my dad. Never did a tap for himself or us kids. Mum did it all. She went back to work as soon as she could..she works one hour less than him per day but he still calls that a ''half day''

Op He cant/doesn't want to do fucking anything...and is petrified you'll ask him to.

So hes telling you it's all your job and you should be able for it like ''other women'

Blahblahbloo123 · 14/10/2021 11:21

He just genuinely doesn’t know what your day is!!!! He won’t understand that some days you can’t put the baby down and just get on with things!!! Make him do it!!

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