Is it me or is DH? Or a bit of both.

[Perspectiveneeded44]

Hi all,

Right have changed my username.

Have just left DS downstairs with DH as I needed to get out of the room.

I feel like I’m loosing my mind here so need some perspective.

Before I start with DS DH is good with him but has never ever had him for more than a couple of hours at a time and never on his own. This used to be because of BF but now at 4 months DS is mostly bottle fed but still I have him all the time.

I know I’m not perfect in any of this as I don’t like to let things go but am learning to walk away instead of arguing. I hate the thought of arguing in front of DS.

My DH works full time, two days a fortnight he works a 12 hour day 7-3 the rest of the time. He had 5 days off a fortnight and quite a bit of annual leave.

This argument has blown up because I went to DH at 7:45 this morning handed DS over and asked him to have him for an hour and half so I could get some sleep. He did but begrudgingly. I had been up since 3:30 as DS stirred and cried but only fully woke at 5:50. I got up with him after a long feed at 6:50.

I do all night feeds all wake ups and DH is in spare room ( originally my choice as DH can’t cope without sleep) so doesn’t have unbroken sleep like me.

When I came downstairs DH has been a bit off with me and basically feels like I don’t do enough. This is the same argument we always have. I do the majority of the cooking and the cleaning. DH will do a clean every so often but not consistently.

The house is in a bit of a mess today as I didn’t clean it last night.


He says other woman manage to look after their babies and tidy and what exactly do I do all day. Apparently other people have commented about how lazy I am. As I’m off it’s considered my job to do all domestic chores.


I am beginning to resent him as I feel so inferior.

I will be going back to work FT in January.

Am I wrong in thinking DH should pull his weight too.

[Hercisback]

I think you really need to sit down and look at both your schedules (especially when you return to work) and come up with a plan.

Anywhere where ds is with you, isn't time for yourself and that applies to both of you.

You both deserve equal leisure time and it is your perogative to decide what you do with that time. If you stay home and sleep, that's your choice, if he goes down the pub, that's his choice.

If he works til 3,what does he do from then in the evening?

[Notimeforaname]

OP you need to start going out.

One day per week when he's off work, to start. So he can spend the entire day with his baby. Changes,feeding,napping..everything. Just go out. Make plans leave him to it.

50% his child.

[Notimeforaname]

He needs to see what it takes.

[Notimeforaname]

DH is good with him but has never ever had him for more than a couple of hours at a time and never on his own

Hang on..who's choice is this? Are you not giving him a chance to have his baby..or is he not Interested?

[vivainsomnia]

I have tried to do this but it’s never stuck to we are supposed to share doing bedtime but last week I did all of them
Then don't. You are giving him mixed message. Then you resent him when you chose to help and demand he does the same without any warning.

Let him get in with the tasks allocated to him.

[Tee20x]

You lost me at this

He says other woman manage to look after their babies and tidy and what exactly do I do all day. Apparently other people have commented about how lazy I am. As I’m off it’s considered my job to do all domestic chores

I would be telling him to fuck off to these other women then. He is a prick and his attitude is disgusting.

Am I right in thinking you're off on mat leave as you say you're going back FT in Jan? Does he think you spend all day sitting around doing nothing because he doesn't know what it takes to look after a baby all day for months on end :)

What a joke.

[OnTheBenchOfDoom]

@2catsandhappy

Plan a day out on your own. Leave all baby prep to him and give him a list of chores you expect to be done. Include a nice meal for you at the end of the day.
He will soon find out "..exactly what you do all day"
Nip this in the bud op!

^ this, if it is such an easy life looking after a baby that it allows you all this free time then he is completely welcome to an easy day with the baby, not a morning or a couple of hours, a complete full day.

I suggest you pop off to your Mum's for 8 hours and have a lovely long bath and a lovely long, uninterrupted sleep.

[frazzledasarock]

From what I’ve seen amongst friends and personal experience. Men who tell their partners that other women do xyz are liars and abusive and using these fictional examples as a way to brow beat and guilt their partners.

Tell him other men, earn more, look fitter, take care of their children and cook their partners amazing meals and keep the house clean. So he’s shit by comparison

[Perspectiveneeded44]

@Notimeforaname

DH is good with him but has never ever had him for more than a couple of hours at a time and never on his own

Hang on..who's choice is this? Are you not giving him a chance to have his baby..or is he not Interested?

Not my choice originally up until 4 weeks ago it was coz I was BF every two hours or so. Now on a bottle he could take DS all day.

[Perspectiveneeded44]

@vivainsomnia

I have tried to do this but it’s never stuck to we are supposed to share doing bedtime but last week I did all of them
Then don't. You are giving him mixed message. Then you resent him when you chose to help and demand he does the same without any warning.

Let him get in with the tasks allocated to him.

I agree actually I do need to do this.

[MistyFrequencies]

When does he take DS for a walk so you can have time to yourself?

[TheFoundations]

It's not good to focus on whose fault this is. Work out between you what needs doing and who is going to do what.

If you can't do that, you have a bigger problem in your marriage than 'My husband doesn't pull his weight'. You have a 'My husband doesn't respect me or care about me' problem, and that has a whole other set of solutions.

[SheikhMaraca]

What steps have you taken to address the sleep issues?

10 mins nap time in the day is nowhere near enough for a 4 mo, no wonder you’re exhausted and have no time to do anything.

I’d be looking at getting a sleep consultant in, as this issue is at the root of your problems with your DH.

[QforCucumber]

He says other woman manage to look after their babies and tidy and what exactly do I do all day.

I'd tell him to go fuck off and find one of those ones then! Prick!

[SpinsForGin]

I’d be looking at getting a sleep consultant in, as this issue is at the root of your problems with your DH.

It's not though is it?
It's his misogyny that the problem.

[Practicebeingpatient]

Remind him that while some women manage to cook and clean some women live in absolute squalor. And that a lot of husbands manage to work outside the home AND cook and clean as well.

He is being VVU but hopefully a full and frank exchange of views might open his eyes to what a twat he is being and the two of you can move on from this.

[BubbleBathBitch]

Oooof! I'd go out for the day and just leave him to it, he'll soon realise! Also, his work pattern doesn't sound difficult, it sounds really nice! Finishing at 3 most of the time? 2 x 12 hour shifts? 5 days off a fortnight? Sign me up! My husband is up at 4am every day for work and does 5 x 12 hour shifts every week, he still contributes to the household. Go and enjoy a day out xxxxxxxx

[FirstTimeMommy2021]

@Perspectiveneeded44 Hun just wanted to let you know you're not on your own. Sounds similar to my DH. Except he doesn't call me lazy and I've not heard of anyone else say this as i'd rip his and their heads off but he does pull the "I go out and work all day while you're sat at home" card sometimes which gets my back up.
I hate when he comes out with this because he knows DS can be a handful at times, similar to your DS he doesn't nap for long and during those naps I'm running around the house like a blue arse fly making beds, washing up, sterilising and doing wash loads! He doesn't see this when he's at work though so must think the cleaning fairy does it all for me 🙄 bless...

[LakeShoreD]

Apparently other people have commented about how lazy I am
You do realise there’s no way this is true, and that this is a form of abuse?

[fuckoffImcounting]

He told you someone said to him that you were lazy. I would be asking him what kind of husband stands by and allows someone to bad mouth his wife. No one said you were lazy and he is a gaslighting cunt.

[lifesgoodwithlg]

So your poor partner can't deal without sleep but you have to? Please nip this in the bud, I have a 4 year old and partner is quite good (great compared to some of the deadweights I see but not 50/50) . This only came about as I had to set expectations and train him at the start. depressing but true.

[Stompythedinosaur]

He is 100% being a selfish prick and a rubbish dad and partner and it is not at all you.

[SheikhMaraca]

@SpinsForGin

I’d be looking at getting a sleep consultant in, as this issue is at the root of your problems with your DH.

It's not though is it?
It's his misogyny that the problem.

Hmm, I do see your point, but if op is at home with the baby, then getting to the bottom of the sleep problems is her job IMO.

If she is not doing this, I can understand why the DH is annoyed tbh. It is the lack of sleep that means OP has no time do do the bulk of the domestic chores that (IMO) are also her job when at home with the baby.

…and yes, if the sexes were reversed, I would still feel the same.

[Pendore]

You need to leave DS with him for a full day then come back and moan about the fact that the house is a mess and your dinner, pipe, slippers and whisky aren’t ready for you and ask him wtf he’s been doing all day. Then he’ll realise.

[MatildaIThink]

I do not think you are being unreasonable, but I also think that from his position he might not think is is being either.

The reason I say that is that many people, but especially men, with no proper experience of young children think that babies spend most of their day asleep, with the parent looking after them able to spend the day sat around watching TV, going for coffee/lunch with friends whilst the baby sleeps in the pram/buggy etc. This gets made worse when the man only looks after the baby for short stints when the baby either sleeps, or is happy to just curl up and be held whilst the man watches TV.

Now do not get me wrong, I am not saying that he is being reasonable, but from his position, with the lack of understanding of what is involved, he is coming to a different conclusion. I think rather than taking the default position on here that many seem to, that every man who does not understand how much work a baby is, is an arsehole, it may be worth trying to educate him a little.

I would suggest a few things, firstly get him to take a bit of annual leave, firstly so you can have a day to yourself, secondly so he can have a day with you and your baby together and thirdly so he has time to bond with his son. This should also help him to understand that looking a baby is not all daytime TV and coffees with friends. I would also try and work out what you want him to do, then you can work out what fits best for both of you, that might be that when he has a weekend off, he has a lay in on the Saturday morning to help him "recover" from his busy week, but that on the Sunday morning you also get a lay in, he takes your son downstairs etc, maybe even takes him out for a walk (in the buggy/pram) with some other dad friends who have babies of similar age and you then meet them for lunch when you have had a morning to yourself. Also work on things like him doing evening feeds, bed times etc.

Finally, when you are ready, a night when someone else looks after your son, I am incredibly lucky that my mum and brother have always been around to help with childcare, I remember when my first was around five months old and I was expressing so I did not need to do every feed my husband, mum and brother arranged for a night out for me and my husband, with my mum and brother baby sitting all the way through until morning. I was incredibly apprehensive of going out, of leaving "my" baby for the whole evening, but actually it was amazing being out with my husband and getting to reconnect again as a couple, not just as two sleep deprived baby carers.

Alternatively he could be an arsehole, but it would be unfair to jump to that conclusion straight away, when the simplest answer is he just has a naive idea of what being on maternity leave involves.