Is it me or is DH? Or a bit of both.

[Perspectiveneeded44]

Hi all,

Right have changed my username.

Have just left DS downstairs with DH as I needed to get out of the room.

I feel like I’m loosing my mind here so need some perspective.

Before I start with DS DH is good with him but has never ever had him for more than a couple of hours at a time and never on his own. This used to be because of BF but now at 4 months DS is mostly bottle fed but still I have him all the time.

I know I’m not perfect in any of this as I don’t like to let things go but am learning to walk away instead of arguing. I hate the thought of arguing in front of DS.

My DH works full time, two days a fortnight he works a 12 hour day 7-3 the rest of the time. He had 5 days off a fortnight and quite a bit of annual leave.

This argument has blown up because I went to DH at 7:45 this morning handed DS over and asked him to have him for an hour and half so I could get some sleep. He did but begrudgingly. I had been up since 3:30 as DS stirred and cried but only fully woke at 5:50. I got up with him after a long feed at 6:50.

I do all night feeds all wake ups and DH is in spare room ( originally my choice as DH can’t cope without sleep) so doesn’t have unbroken sleep like me.

When I came downstairs DH has been a bit off with me and basically feels like I don’t do enough. This is the same argument we always have. I do the majority of the cooking and the cleaning. DH will do a clean every so often but not consistently.

The house is in a bit of a mess today as I didn’t clean it last night.


He says other woman manage to look after their babies and tidy and what exactly do I do all day. Apparently other people have commented about how lazy I am. As I’m off it’s considered my job to do all domestic chores.


I am beginning to resent him as I feel so inferior.

I will be going back to work FT in January.

Am I wrong in thinking DH should pull his weight too.

[1forAll74]

I think you should be able to cope with one child and all things, tiredness is a thing, when you have a small child and lack of sleep. Get some kind of a routine, for the jobs you need to do, bit by bit. No point in having family disharmony about all this,

[FirstTimeMommy2021]

@supersop60

kellymom.com/fun/wisdom/what-did-you-do-all-day/

Apologies if someone has already posted this.
The comments are a bit slow to load.

Haha this is fantastic 😆

[Plunger]

Hand baby over at 8am then go out for the day leaving a list of things that need doing plus making the evening Meal! See how much he gets done

[LowlandLucky]

Don't do any housework or laundry from Thursday onwards, get up early on Saturday and go off to the travelodge that you will have booked in the next town. As soon as you are at the end of the road pgone him and tell him he is on is own for 36 hours and that when you come back at 6 p.m on Sunday you expect the house to be spotless, the laundry done and a home cooked meal on the table. If you don't show him now how hard it is you will never have anything more than a token jesture of help from him.

[Justcallmebabs]

I haven’t RTFT but I just wanted to comment as I have a baby the exact same age as yours (also have an older boy at school FT). I EBF so do all the night wakes and my partner also struggles without sleep so I prefer to do the overnights as I can cope better and he works during the day. We have quite a few problems over the years which we are working through with counselling so we don’t have a perfect relationship. Even so, when he wakes in the morning he takes our kids away for an hour and entertains them whilst I sleep. He then hands baby back to me and takes oldest to school (granted he does M-F, 9-5). When he comes home he is full into parent mode until bedtime. As I am off I have been doing housework and cooking. He doesn’t ask that I do this and I do make him cook at least once/week so our son sees balance in the relationship (this will change once I go back to work FT!!). Our baby has had a sleep regression of late so I have been up a lot over night (but think less than you have!) and when he left yesterday I took myself back to bed. If he ever came home and said the comments your husband has I would absolutely lose my shit. I completely agree with PPs who say he needs to care for the baby on his own for a day. I was surprised when I had my first child about how such a little thing can take up so much time but they do! He needs to learn how to respect you and be an equal partner. It’s hard as you may want to keep the peace and not have arguments but really at their age I wouldn’t worry. It’s important that your son grows up in a household where his father respects his mother and there is an equal approach to household tasks.

I have to say that counselling has really helped us. If your situation continues or gets worse I would recommend it. HTH x

[Tigger1895]

On his next day off head for a hair appointment and maybe a facial, throw in a mani pedi. You’ll get plenty of deals online. Follow that up by meeting a friend for lunch. That should take best part of the day. Before leaving try tidy a bit but I guarantee you’ll come home to mess and a frazzled husband. It’s the only way he’ll learn.

[Justcallmebabs]

@1forAll74

I think you should be able to cope with one child and all things, tiredness is a thing, when you have a small child and lack of sleep. Get some kind of a routine, for the jobs you need to do, bit by bit. No point in having family disharmony about all this,

Sorry, have you actually read the OP??

This isn’t about the housework. From what I understand the OP ‘DH’ is off today and was asked to care for his child for a few hours whilst OP caught some sleep, have done the night shift and been up since 3:30. He has acted like a child and thrown his toys out the pram about it;

‘other woman manage to look after their babies and tidy and what exactly do I do all day. Apparently other people have commented about how lazy I am. As I’m off it’s considered my job to do all domestic chores’

and you have advised her to get a cleaning plan and avoid disharmony. Yep, a great message to her son about how women should be seen within the home by their partners??!

[wentworthinmate]

I bet it's his mother that made that comment after he saw her without you and had a whinge fest.

[whynotwhatknot]

hes never spent time alone with his son-thats not normal

you have to literally leave him to it and go out

his comment about you lazy is disgusting

[northernmamax]

Feel like you have just explained my life OP!

[Naunet]

He says other woman manage to look after their babies and tidy

Other women also manage to hold down a full time job, parent their children and do housework, so what’s his excuse? Does he think is penis is some kind of handicap?

[Perspectiveneeded44]

@1forAll74

I think you should be able to cope with one child and all things, tiredness is a thing, when you have a small child and lack of sleep. Get some kind of a routine, for the jobs you need to do, bit by bit. No point in having family disharmony about all this,

It isn’t about the housework it’s what/my DH has treated me and the general lack of effort towards everything.

[Perspectiveneeded44]

@Naunet

He says other woman manage to look after their babies and tidy

Other women also manage to hold down a full time job, parent their children and do housework, so what’s his excuse? Does he think is penis is some kind of handicap?

Very good point.

[Perspectiveneeded44]

@whynotwhatknot

hes never spent time alone with his son-thats not normal

you have to literally leave him to it and go out

his comment about you lazy is disgusting

I will leave him to if all day next opportunity I get.

[Perspectiveneeded44]

DH knows how much his comments have hurt me and that it can never happen again.

[LalalalalalaLand123]

What a dirt-bag OP. Why are you even with him? Why did you have a child with him? He's disgusting. He's no partner. He thinks the things you do - breastfeeding, looking after a baby etc - are nothing, not important, the only important things are what he does. Fuck that shit. You'll be much happier without him. Please raise your standards in men, you deserve so much better. A true partner, who treats you as an equal, not a skivvy.

[LoveGrooveDanceParty]

The tedious old trite from the same sub-standard men.

Apparently looking after babies/toddlers is a piece of piss / doddle / walk in the park.

But there’s absolutely ZERO chance he’ll take the baby alone for anything more than 5 minutes.

There are not enough 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 in the world for the hypocrisy of it.

I bet you just love having sex with someone who sees you as an inferior house-skivvy. Honestly, these men - I bet he’s also griping that you’re not putting out enough either.

P.S. 🙄🙄🙄🙄 (the 🙄 are for him, not you OP, obviously!).

[twinmum2007]

@SheikhMaraca

What steps have you taken to address the sleep issues?

10 mins nap time in the day is nowhere near enough for a 4 mo, no wonder you’re exhausted and have no time to do anything.

I’d be looking at getting a sleep consultant in, as this issue is at the root of your problems with your DH.

This is right. A baby at that age needs LOADS of sleep. The better they sleep during the day, the better they sleep at night. Talk to a health visitor maybe or try one of the baby help books. Or a sleep consultant as a PP has suggested. A health visitor suggested I put my twins back to bed in the morning and it changed my life. They slept from 9.30 to 12.30 everyday for three years. Took a while, and it wasn't soloid all the time, there were hiccups, but seriously, it saved my life.

[Milkshake54]

YANBU! He is - what an entitled prick.

We have a baby at home - we hired a cleaner when he was 4 weeks old!

[ellyeth]

He sounds really nasty - especially saying that "other people" think you're lazy. What other people? I would certainly want to know but presumably he will just leave that one hanging in the air.

As you will soon be going back to work and have not exactly been having a holiday at home, with a baby to look after, I think he is being absolutely selfish and unreasonable.

It is SO important for you to have time to yourself because otherwise life just becomes pure drudgery if you can't meet up briefly with friends and family. When I had my first child, that was exactly what my life was like - lonely drudgery - I didn't enjoy her baby years at all - and it damaged our relationship long term.

[billy1966]

OP,
I really wouldn't lay it on thick about being hurt, I would lay it on thick about no longer being interested in being married to a lazy, selfish, disrespectful PRICK.

[Mexicantortilla]

@MistyFrequencies is absolutely spot on...he is punishing you for making him step up...he clearly takes no responsibility and is acting like a petulant child....seriously point out his childish behaviour calmly without raising your voice or becoming emotional and then just leave him to it...and repeat

[startingagain13]

Misty frequencies answered you perfectly! He is just so wrong!!!!

[RainbowToes]

I used to get this from my ex.
Other women could look after loads of kids etc.
I'm divorced now. It's bliss.
He doesn't parent now either, he employs a childminder. He's a sad specimen.

[Mollymoostoo]

Put the baby in the spare room and SH needs to move back into your room. This way your sleep won't be disrupted by baby stiring.
This is a completely unreasonable attitude and sadly won't change when you go back to work.