Is it me or is DH? Or a bit of both.

[Perspectiveneeded44]

Hi all,

Right have changed my username.

Have just left DS downstairs with DH as I needed to get out of the room.

I feel like I’m loosing my mind here so need some perspective.

Before I start with DS DH is good with him but has never ever had him for more than a couple of hours at a time and never on his own. This used to be because of BF but now at 4 months DS is mostly bottle fed but still I have him all the time.

I know I’m not perfect in any of this as I don’t like to let things go but am learning to walk away instead of arguing. I hate the thought of arguing in front of DS.

My DH works full time, two days a fortnight he works a 12 hour day 7-3 the rest of the time. He had 5 days off a fortnight and quite a bit of annual leave.

This argument has blown up because I went to DH at 7:45 this morning handed DS over and asked him to have him for an hour and half so I could get some sleep. He did but begrudgingly. I had been up since 3:30 as DS stirred and cried but only fully woke at 5:50. I got up with him after a long feed at 6:50.

I do all night feeds all wake ups and DH is in spare room ( originally my choice as DH can’t cope without sleep) so doesn’t have unbroken sleep like me.

When I came downstairs DH has been a bit off with me and basically feels like I don’t do enough. This is the same argument we always have. I do the majority of the cooking and the cleaning. DH will do a clean every so often but not consistently.

The house is in a bit of a mess today as I didn’t clean it last night.

He says other woman manage to look after their babies and tidy and what exactly do I do all day. Apparently other people have commented about how lazy I am. As I’m off it’s considered my job to do all domestic chores.

I am beginning to resent him as I feel so inferior.

I will be going back to work FT in January.

Am I wrong in thinking DH should pull his weight too.

I think that Op's dh knows exactly how much work is involved in looking after a young baby. His patent lie around people commenting on her laziness shows that he is a wanker.

Op your dh is trying to train you to obey him and bow to his wishes.

Oh and he's not a good dad either.

You need to have a frank chat. He has no idea what a day with the baby entails as he’s never done it.
Can you book some keep in touch days or training courses at work and he can have baby. Or a regular hobby. Don’t prep stuff.
Make sure you have equal free time - having baby with you is not same.

Jesus, all these men who “can’t cope without sleep”
We all need sleep, having a penis doesn’t mean you need it more

I’m on mat leave too. My DH is working his arse off full time and he still takes the baby off me when I need it (I don’t often want a break from my lovely baby but sometimes it helps ) and he doesn’t hassle me like that over it. I think your DH is being a bit silly.

You need to leave him on his own with the baby for an entire day so he gets what it's like.

Selfish, sexist prick.

Personally, I'd just leave now but appreciate that may not be what you want to do.

Tell him to take a Fri/Mon off work as you have something special/lovely planned. Book somewhere nice for you to go to for the weekend. Friday morning tell him he is having a lovely bonding weekend with his baby and you are going off to x until Monday. Leave him to it to see what it's like to be up all night doing feeds and then expected to keep everything perfect in the house.

Oh sorry ,heard a noise there ,The 1950s calling and want him back! FFS whats he like? He sounds a complete knobhead. Do as PP said earlier .go out for the day (or an afternoon at least a good few times) He wont know whats hit him! I cannot believe that in the 21st c these part dinosaur part men still exist! You have more than enough to do with Babe and being up in the night feeding .Tell him to hoover if hes so worried! And cook supper too .Even if just freezer food .Can your parents or friends have a word with him ? He needs to see sense

@MistyFrequencies

When does he take DS for a walk so you can have time to yourself?

He rarely does look unless I’m on my arse.

Tell your lazy lump of a dh that my dgf shovelled coal into a furnace all night in the 1940’s.
He still did the weekly wash in a copper and using a mangle!

All this technology and your dh expects you to skivvy. In 2021!
He’s a misogynistic prat.

7-3??? Not exactly a long shift is it. It standard working hours for many. Who go home, take care of kids, take care of pets, chores and meals etc.

I would love to have that much extra time in the evening. What does he do when he gets home? If both my DH and I were home from say 4, we'd clean the whole house and have dinner on the table by 7 whilst juggling our DC between us.

He's a prize arsehole.

For the most part DS does sleep well at night with maybe one night a week where he wakes and can be unsettled at around 3.

Night before he slept 6-6 but woke at three for one min or so.

I have tried every to everything to get him to sleep in the day he will have ten mins then wakes with a huge smile and will not go bacn

The reality of having a baby is so different for most people than what they imagined - and that goes for both of you. But you need to make DH step up. If you don't share the load, you will end up doing all the baby work - which gradually morphs into looking after the children on your own over the years, even when you're back at work.

Talking is definitely the way forward - about your shared expectations of what being a parent is, and how it's not working for you the way it is. Set out your expectations, tell him about your dad – but be prepared to compromise. It might ring bells with him about how his mum is treated, and if he wants that for his family as well. He needs to look after DS on his own if he is to be an effective parent and have a good relationship with him as he grows up, in any case.

Remind him that you'll be going back to work and he needs to keep his hand in with the domestic tasks and learn how to balance those and childcare and FT work, as he'll be doing his fair share of all three when you go back.

Maternity leave is for you to spend time with your baby, recover from the birth and meet the baby's needs. It isn't 'housework leave' or 'mollycoddle your husband' leave.

He can 'consider' the housework to be all you job all he likes. His full-service fantasy doesn't compel you to agree with him, or to do it.

You might like to point out to him that you consider yourself to be busy looking after your baby FT during working hours, so keeping the housework ticking over only to the extent that is essential and the baby allows. Outside working hours, parenting and housework is 50/50. THAT is what fair and reasonable looks like.

You're already covering nights, so you need more time off during the day, to nap, relax, or do what you will with.

It's hard for both parents in the early days but that's just being a parent!

He sounds like he has set course for being an abusive partner.

This is not accidental because he is busy and tired. Sounds like he has already laid the groundwork for his excuses there as you gave details of his hard work which can only have come from him reminding you often. Needs to sleep in the spare room, so he can be well rested for his hard job? Fucking turd behaviour, right there.

This is how it starts, slow and careful, testing the waters, seeing how much you will tolerate.

Actually, thinking about it, it seems he has moved on to the next stage which is gaslighting and putting you down.

You say that you return to work in January.
I would look out for him trying to scupper that if I were you.
Even if he takes the nicey nice route, as in, "I love you and our baby. I just want to look after you both so you can stay at home together".
If it does happen, DO NOT FALL FOR IT.
It's a trap, or should I say that your already in the trap, that's the freaking lock that will allow him to keep you in it for as many years as he can.

I could be wrong, only getting a snippet on a web forum but his behaviour is making my Spidey senses tingle.

Careful.

As pps have said, it is really, really important that he spends substantial periods of time looking after the baby alone. If he doesn't learn how to do that, or establish a direct relationship with the child, you'll be tied to the house for years and years. There's no need for that at all.

I can’t do it all when I return to work. I work more hours than him and have an extra job. It’s one I do at home if that makes sense.

We sort of kept the house clean while I was on maternity leave. We did this by dh cleaning the bathrooms and vacuuming on the weekend. He also cooked all the meals those first months and got up with the baby on weekends. Other men manage, why can’t yours? He’s full of it.

I don't think you can change him op, you have one seriously entitled husband there.

Maybe ask him why he can't hold down a job, parent and be a decent partner? Most men can. Seriously.

You have a big issue in that he is an absolute waste of space but you now have a child with him. I couldn't consign myself to life with an arsehole like that and don't think you should either.

He's a twat, not much more to it.

Also why is it always the precious men who can't cope on no sleep but the women some how manage?

I just see that that arsehole of a husband of yours has made looking after your baby feel like a chore. I had one of those and was lucky enough to have got rid before my dd was born, because he would have been exactly the same.

I'm probably much too quick to say LTB, but really if he wasn't there you'd have a lot less housework to do and be free to enjoy your baby.

He is a twat.

I also thinks he has no idea how hard it is to look after a baby. My DH didn’t either, couldn’t imagine it was really difficult. That was until I actually left with the baby in his own for a full day, then full weekends (was working then!).

Yur DH never had the baby in his own. He has no clue. And he is a sexist wats that believes all the crap h hears around him just because it fits what he wants to hear.

So leave with the baby. Baby is bottle fed. Leave him for the day and go to have some time off for yourself, real time off wo anyone with you.
Come back and ak him if he tied up the house, did the cleaning, play with baby etc etc.
Oh btw he can also do the night time waking up too, at least when he is off.

Btw you ask if it was him, you or a bit of both.

I think it’s a bit if both.
Him because he is a twat.
You because you are letting him be a twat.

Don’t accept that. If you do, it will then be ‘oh but I don’t know how to do that. You do it better than me etc…’ and 10 years in you will STILL be the only parent and the maid in the house.
Don’t let it happen.

This is a tale as old as time. Many women never really understand or consider they live in a patriarchal society until they have children. My daughter is just discovering this having recently had her first DC. Her husband and MIL seem to think its the mothers job to do everything because man has big important job. Fortunately DD grew up with a dad who did more than his fair share while also having big important job, so she's not listening to any of that misogynistic nonsense.

If caring for a baby all day and night is such a doddle why are so many men reluctant to do their share of it? Because it's exhausting and boring that's why.

Stop defending yourself and go on the offensive. When he says other women care for babies and keep on top of household chores, tell him other husband's step up and pull their weight so why can't he?

@Perspectiveneeded44

I can’t do it all when I return to work. I work more hours than him and have an extra job. It’s one I do at home if that makes sense.

So you need to sit down and explain life to him. When you return to work all domestic chores & childcare must be 50:50.

I suggested above you do so with a relationship counsellor as you seem a little cowed by him.