Is it me or is DH? Or a bit of both.

[Perspectiveneeded44]

Hi all,

Right have changed my username.

Have just left DS downstairs with DH as I needed to get out of the room.

I feel like I’m loosing my mind here so need some perspective.

Before I start with DS DH is good with him but has never ever had him for more than a couple of hours at a time and never on his own. This used to be because of BF but now at 4 months DS is mostly bottle fed but still I have him all the time.

I know I’m not perfect in any of this as I don’t like to let things go but am learning to walk away instead of arguing. I hate the thought of arguing in front of DS.

My DH works full time, two days a fortnight he works a 12 hour day 7-3 the rest of the time. He had 5 days off a fortnight and quite a bit of annual leave.

This argument has blown up because I went to DH at 7:45 this morning handed DS over and asked him to have him for an hour and half so I could get some sleep. He did but begrudgingly. I had been up since 3:30 as DS stirred and cried but only fully woke at 5:50. I got up with him after a long feed at 6:50.

I do all night feeds all wake ups and DH is in spare room ( originally my choice as DH can’t cope without sleep) so doesn’t have unbroken sleep like me.

When I came downstairs DH has been a bit off with me and basically feels like I don’t do enough. This is the same argument we always have. I do the majority of the cooking and the cleaning. DH will do a clean every so often but not consistently.

The house is in a bit of a mess today as I didn’t clean it last night.


He says other woman manage to look after their babies and tidy and what exactly do I do all day. Apparently other people have commented about how lazy I am. As I’m off it’s considered my job to do all domestic chores.


I am beginning to resent him as I feel so inferior.

I will be going back to work FT in January.

Am I wrong in thinking DH should pull his weight too.

[Perspectiveneeded44]

Thanks all am glad I’m not being unreasonable.

Have told DH that we need to talk tonight after DS in bed.

Went out without DH but with DS to meet a new friend DH has had a tidy round which I’m pleased about but it hasn’t changed my mind with regards to everything.

He has apologised for being a twat.

[billy1966]

As @Lonelybrit has written OP, it is the beginning of the end of your relationship.

If he doesn't buck up, you will be better off on your own.

He sounds really awful.

Well done @Lonelybrit for getting out and not accepting this.

I think this type of behaviour by a man towards a new mother is abusive and the OP needs to take it very seriously.

[HireStarter]

He's wrong.

I speak to LOADS of mums and most of us have messy homes behind closed doors. We tidy when people come round, otherwise it's chaos.

He needs to have time alone with the baby - for more than just a day. So he can see what it's really like.

Does he respect you normally? Only my partner works full-time plus some. I don't work currently. He still cleans up, mops the floor, does DIY. And he knows I work hard during the day to feed, clean and entertain the kids. As well as housework I can fit in.

[Eralos]

Yanbu

[Coyoacan]

I think this type of behaviour by a man towards a new mother is abusive and the OP needs to take it very seriously

I mean that comment about other people saying you are lazy is either

1. Something he made up to hurt you
   
2. Something he permitted other people to say in his presence without correcting them
   
3. Something he told other people about you
   
   None of those options shows him in a good light

[Lonelybrit]

Completely agree with @Coyoacan it’s one of those 3 options & none of them are good!

Thank you @billy1966

Funny enough my DH used to call his ex lazy, now I’m on the receiving end of it! How strange eh

Hopefully a stern talking to might help, Good luck OP hope your story is better than mine

[Iflyaway]

He says other woman manage to look after their babies and tidy

Ask him for a list, names, addresses etc. If he is so knowlegable...(sp?)

He's living in the 1950's still.

Honestly, I've brought up a son on my own, not easy but a hell of a lot preferable to having a grown man-child in the house to have to deal with too.

[MilduraS]

I'd love to know who he says is complaining that you're lazy. When my baby was 4 months my house looked like a bomb site most of the time. It was only tidy once a week and that was on the day we had a cleaner in.

[TatianaBis]

He has apologised for being a twat

The question is though will continue to be one anyway.

[Kdubs1981]

@SheikhMaraca

What steps have you taken to address the sleep issues?

10 mins nap time in the day is nowhere near enough for a 4 mo, no wonder you’re exhausted and have no time to do anything.

I’d be looking at getting a sleep consultant in, as this issue is at the root of your problems with your DH.

It's not the baby's fault her husband is a knob

[Practicebeingpatient]

My DS is gorgeous but stubborn


I'm sure this was lighthearted but please don't label him as stubborn at this young age. If he is then all new babies are. They want what they want when they want it. They have no concept of what 'normal' behaviour is. They haven't yet worked out that if food or sleep or comfort doesn't come the second they want it they don't need to panic because it will turn up eventually. They don't know they are meant to sleep at X time and eat at Y time. They aren't even aware that other people exist let alone that other people have their own needs and would like the baby to behave in a certain way. It's your job as a parent to help them learn all that.

If your baby is behaving in a certain way it's because that what his brain thinks it has to do to survive. He is much too young to be categorised as stubborn or demanding. He is just like all new borns 100% dependent and 100% needy.

[TravelLost]

It doesn’t matter if he has apologised.

What matters is that he thought it was ok to behave like this for the last 4 months
What matters now is whether he will actually step up as a father or if he will pay lip service to it
What matters is if he will actually propose to do this and that or whether it will still be up to you to give a long list of what his responsibilities are. Basically still expecting you to be in charge with him helping (and needing to be told of all the things he needs doing)

Words are easy. Actions always more tricky.

[billy1966]

His apology is worth diddly squat considering how rude, selfish, unsupportive and lazy he has been.

His remark where he has been discussing you is unforgivable.

I think he is a lazy waster and always will be OP.

Protect yourself.

[2catsandhappy]

Pfft! Apology my eye. He has sensed that his gravy train is coming to an end and is trying to keep it on track.
I'm glad you are going out for the day. Stick to your guns and walk out the house leaving it for him in the exact same way he leaves it for you.
If you go to the cinema you will have to switch your phone off

[LorenzoVonMatterhorn]

How did the talk go? And remember it was just talk. See how he behaves. And id be going out all day frequently until he knew how to parent.

If you are going back to work in january, is DH sharing the maternity leave? My dh shared leave with our first. I firmly believe that’s what made him a more equal parent. Although he wasnt a twat to begin with and has always done all the cooking and a lot of the cleaning.

[maddening]

Omg, time to kick the prick in to shape.

[Perspectiveneeded44]

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

How did the talk go? And remember it was just talk. See how he behaves. And id be going out all day frequently until he knew how to parent.

If you are going back to work in january, is DH sharing the maternity leave? My dh shared leave with our first. I firmly believe that’s what made him a more equal parent. Although he wasnt a twat to begin with and has always done all the cooking and a lot of the cleaning.

Talk was ok. Have told him that we need to be a team. Have told him that unless things change we will have to separate as I’m not putting up with this

[Perspectiveneeded44]

Posted too soon. That I’m not putting up with this crap anymore.

[Perspectiveneeded44]

Tonight we are drawing up a jobs list and plan . We will look into couples counselling

[billy1966]

Good for you.

My advice is NOT to be the least bit considerate of HIS feelings.

Give it to him with both barrels.

Tell him that his behaviour has been appalling and that you are rethinking the marriage and are 100% prepared to separate.

Tell him that YOUR feelings for him have changed and that his APPALLINGLY SELFISH behaviour have made you realise that perhaps it would be better if you separated.

Tell him that he really is in last chance territory and if he ever speaks to you about other people's opinion of you again, you are done.

Also tell him you that having more children with him is a complete non starter considering how selfishly he has behaved.

Reach out to family and friends and tell them how selfish he has been.

I don't think he will change, he sounds too selfish, but at least if you spell it out to him clearly, he can't say he was shocked.

Stop doing stuff for him.
Start thinking practically about what life would be like on your own and how you would manage.

This will increase your feelings of control.

I think women with selfish husbands spare THEIR feelings far too much.

Telling him your feelings for him are no longer guaranteed SHOULD be a wake up call if he cares at all.

If he doesn't step up, at least you know.

Keep posting and well done for not accepting the crap that so many women do and deeply regret.

[Mirw]

Leave the housework... Men can hoover and work the washing machine the same as women. In fact, better than women, they are using machines! If there is no food on the table because you are sleeping, then he will have to feed himself. Again, should not be a problem as the cooker and microwave are machines. Baby steps to make him realise you are NOT A MACHINE. You need sleep and me time, same as him.

[supersop60]

kellymom.com/fun/wisdom/what-did-you-do-all-day/

Apologies if someone has already posted this.
The comments are a bit slow to load.

[LoverOfAllThingsPurple]

What a prick. Tell him to switch roles, see how he copes. Don’t believe his shit and I’ll bet people think HE’S the lazy one.

[jillb55]

Is he always like this with you - by that I mean critical and making your feel inferior?

[DuvetDayIsEveryDay]

Yeah, he is a prick. Fucking hate men like this.

My arsehole of an ex used to do all feeds from 6pm till midnight. He would do the nightly bath and bed routine. He would bring me tea in bed when he left for work. He would cook half the week and do the weekly shopping. We would take it in turns to have a very long lie in Saturday/Sunday.

That's what men and fathers should be doing.