Is it me or is DH? Or a bit of both.

[Perspectiveneeded44]

Hi all,

Right have changed my username.

Have just left DS downstairs with DH as I needed to get out of the room.

I feel like I’m loosing my mind here so need some perspective.

Before I start with DS DH is good with him but has never ever had him for more than a couple of hours at a time and never on his own. This used to be because of BF but now at 4 months DS is mostly bottle fed but still I have him all the time.

I know I’m not perfect in any of this as I don’t like to let things go but am learning to walk away instead of arguing. I hate the thought of arguing in front of DS.

My DH works full time, two days a fortnight he works a 12 hour day 7-3 the rest of the time. He had 5 days off a fortnight and quite a bit of annual leave.

This argument has blown up because I went to DH at 7:45 this morning handed DS over and asked him to have him for an hour and half so I could get some sleep. He did but begrudgingly. I had been up since 3:30 as DS stirred and cried but only fully woke at 5:50. I got up with him after a long feed at 6:50.

I do all night feeds all wake ups and DH is in spare room ( originally my choice as DH can’t cope without sleep) so doesn’t have unbroken sleep like me.

When I came downstairs DH has been a bit off with me and basically feels like I don’t do enough. This is the same argument we always have. I do the majority of the cooking and the cleaning. DH will do a clean every so often but not consistently.

The house is in a bit of a mess today as I didn’t clean it last night.

He says other woman manage to look after their babies and tidy and what exactly do I do all day. Apparently other people have commented about how lazy I am. As I’m off it’s considered my job to do all domestic chores.

I am beginning to resent him as I feel so inferior.

I will be going back to work FT in January.

Am I wrong in thinking DH should pull his weight too.

You also need to tell him other men work full time and manage to look after their kids and do chores, and other people have commented on how lazy he is and he’s not a proper father/man.

Yes, you definitely need to be going out for the day and getting back late. Maybe find a day hotel in the nearest city if that’s not too far then a bit of retail therapy after that.

Hmm, I do see your point, but if op is at home with the baby, then getting to the bottom of the sleep problems is her job IMO.

If she is not doing this, I can understand why the DH is annoyed tbh. It is the lack of sleep that means OP has no time do do the bulk of the domestic chores that (IMO) are also her job when at home with the baby.

She's not his housekeeper or nanny. He's still a parent and still lives in the house!

He's being massively unreasonable.

What always amazes me n these situations is how the man thinks you are relaxing and chilling because you are at your mum's with the baby.... but it doesn't seem to work that way if it's ever suggested he take the baby to any kind of social event.

Also, while I can accept that you may agree he doesn't do night wakings when he's working, if he has 5 days off per fortnight, it's hard to understand why he can't take DS at least a couple of v early mornings and/or in the middle of night so that you get a sleep. When do you EVER get unbroken sleep?

Quite honestly, if he can't or won't see any of this you either suck it up or move out because it will just get worse.

Other people have commented on how lazy you are??? REALLY? like who? This seems to be a standard line. So because you're at home you don't need sleep anymore? Fuck that and fuck him, he's massively unreasonable

My DH grew up in a family where the woman do everything around the house all cooking cleaning washing everything and fit in work

So did you address this before you married and had a kid and he's reneged, or did you never address it?

If the latter you have a massive problem and it may be insurmountable.

You have broadly 3 options: either resign yourself to a life where you will work FT and do all the childcare and domestic chores while he sits around like a little king; haul him to relationship counselling and hash out that this is not acceptable and he will lose his relationship if he doesn't change asap; or divorce.

The 'other people' comment is rather a red flag to me.

You need a serious sit down about this. You're going back to work FT so you need a plan now so you don't end up doing everything. Remember, he's not 'helping out', he is meant to contribute to the care of his child, and the running of the house. You don't work 24 hours a day, while he 'relaxes after a hard day at the office'. That's bollocks

@Perspectiveneeded44 growing up with a female chore family is no excuse, my DH grew up in the same way and he pulls his weight and has done more so when I am ill. So please don’t blame that as an accuse for him not doing that, he expects you to be a housewife now you’ve had a kid and he is pushing against that. If it’s what you all want to do then that’s great, if you want to still work then everything else is 50/50.

My DH would not tell me twice that other people though I was lazy. That is really not on and he isn’t a “Dear” anything.

He's being a prick but you need to stand firm.

Let him be pissed off that the house isn't tidy...if he wants it tidy and cleaned, he has plenty of time to do it himself if he has 5 days off a fortnight. He will never do it if it's not inconveniencing him.

As vivainsomnia said above, if he's agreed to share bedtimes then don't do it for him - I do appreciate it's awkward though as he will probably never get it started, leave it late, then DS becomes unsettled, then it all impacts you the next day....So I can see why you step in.

There is no question here - DH should 10000% be doing more.

For perspective I also have a 4 month old son and my husband works around 60 hours per week and is none stop with him when he’s at home, because he wants to.

DS is EBF but DH will do an expressed bottle feed once a day to let me rest, get up with him at night to try and settle him if he’s not due a feed etc. He has often had him alone for a few hours to let me go and see friends, go to appointments etc.

He also takes a huge amount of pride at being a great, hands on Dad and brilliant DH too which is important.

Also helps by making sure I’ve good food to eat etc to help with BF, making sure house is presentable… he can’t wait to help more when it comes to weaning. Not saying all men are like this, but you need way more help and he needs to step up!

@SylvanasWindrunner

Also I know some people might disagree but when I was on maternity leave, my job was to look after DD and recover from birth, not be a cleaner and cook to a grown man.

Before you had a baby, your DH had to do his share of housework and cooking, so why does having a baby change that? Why does his life suddenly become easier at the expense of yours? Why is he doing less now than he was before? That's not how it's supposed to work.

Ah yes but…a lot of men’s thought process is “but I now bring in all the money and she doesn’t earn anything “ This is was happens when people equate work to earnings

First off you need to tell him other women have a lot more support and you are off on maternity leave not household leave

He is a parent and he needs to step up

And you are going back to work so things will need to change then a gradual change now will be easier because you will not be doing everything when he goes back

Yy to leaving him with the baby all day. Invite him to show you how it should be done and say that you're looking forward to a sparkling house and a nice hot meal upon your return.

The "other people say you are lazy" comment would rile me more than anything. If these "other people" are anything other than your husband's imaginary friends, they need to be told to butt out, by him. But as they don't exist, that's not going to happen.

My XH once made the mistake of moaning about the state of the house when I was a SAHM. It's true that I'm congenitally untidy, but even if I weren't, I had babies and toddlers at home.

I just shrugged and said that it didn't bother me, and if he wasn't happy about it, he could do something about it.

After that, we had a cleaner once a week until the DC went to school.

Disagree that leaving him with the baby would teach him anything. He'd probably spend all day doing his own stuff and forget to feed/change/otherwise bother with the baby, and he'd then say it was dead easy. You'd have a rubbish day because you'd spend it worrying about the baby. You need a more direct approach than that.

I absolutely hate the assumption that if you work full time you don't need to do anything to maintain your own home.

If OP was at home living the life of luxury then fair enough, but looking after a baby it tough. So tough that he doesn't ever seem to want to do it, so he has no right complaining to OP about not tidying up at the same time.

Apparently other people have commented about how lazy I am was it his mum by any chance??

DH sounds like a complete douche.

Why doesn’t your baby nap for more than 10 mins?

I’d work on that, even if it’s just to sit and watch Netflix and eat snacks while they nap :) . Sleeping is really important for their brain development and they need roughly 2- 3 hours during the day at that age

He cant have it both ways. Babies are so easy you need to do all the housework as well. Babies are so hard that I cant look after one on my day off so I need to rest.

At 4 months babies are still so intense. Its literally a full time job looking after them. Maternity leave is for the mother to recover from birth and look after the baby. It's for the baby to bond with their primary caregiver. Not for the mum to do their husbands share of household duties because they're at home anyway.

When my babies were young my husband told me my job was to keep the baby alive and not to worry about anything else.

Its shit that he doesnt ever look after his baby for more than a few hours, its shit that he wont do his share of chores and its shit that he tries to shame you by saying other people think you're lazy. They dont. I've never heard anyone say the mum of a newborn is lazy, ever.

Why do some men think that they know what it's like to have a baby all day when they've never done it? Why do some men think when they've had a baby that their life should be easier? How dare he have a go at you about a messy house, it's not your paid job to clean and tidy. How is he going to cope when you're back at work if he is 'too tired' to do any chores or childcare outside his work

What I would do, tell him he has not looked after a baby all day so he doesnt know how hard it is. Leave him with the baby one of his days off (if he has two days off, pick the second day so he cant complain he is knackered). Tell him you expect the house to be tidied and dinner cooked etc when you come back, see how he does.

I'd also consider him taking some paternity leave since he is so confident it's easy and he can do a better job then you can go back to work and not be criticised all day

YANBU.

He hasn't stepped up to being a father and has no idea of how hard it is.

Talks are needed about how you both need to be caring for DS when he finishes work. You are working ft from Jan- perfect time for the conversation and to put it into practice. The last thing you want is to be working ft and be doing everything- houseworks/ night feeds etc. I've seen this scenario so many times after the birth of the first child.

He also needs to take DS and be in charge for a solid chunk of time e.g. 24 hours to have an appreciation of the difficulty and give you chance to recharge.

Sorry your DH is being a tosser

Why do some men think when they've had a baby that their life should be easier?

God this is SO TRUE.

A baby arrives and some think not only can they carry on as normal but can also sack off their share of domestic work too.

A proud father who for four months has only had contact with their DC for a couple of hours and always with you. I'd bite at his 'other women manage to ..'. Many men do their fair share of house work, step up when their DP have a newborn so their DP can focus on the baby and want to spend time on their own with their DC to give their DP who is doing the heavy, relentless lifting a break. Was he always unpleasant and selfish and lazy or is it just after he became a parent?

Good luck.

"we are supposed to share doing bedtime but last week I did all of them."
This happened because you not only allowed that to happen you facilitated it happening...that is you didn't say earlier in the day 'oh tonight is your night doing the bedtime'.
You can't just wait for him to notice and do it. It might take a bit more patient effort for you to implement the new regime but it is worth doing. I know at that time of the day it's so much easier to just do it yourself!! But think of the freedom you would have if DH could put him to bed, you could even go out to a hobby or go on a zoom group or a walk with some music on or something nice for yourself.

That bullshit about you not doing enough - don't even entertain that crap. That's all about him not wanting to be put out of his comfortable life and then trying to make you the bad person. You need to stamp that out. This is exactly why you need to go away for an entire day and leave DS with him - then come home and complain about all the shit that hasn't got done.

HNRTT but I'd want names of the other people who have commented on your laziness, OP. I'd phone them on speaker phone with him in the room and ask them directly. Let the world see who is lazy and a vile bully and who is spending her time with their baby.

By the way, OP, babies are more important than house work if you have a partner who is incapable or unwilling.

Good luck.

I would bet my arse that no one has told him that you are lazy, the gas lighting fucker. I am rageng for you op.
I am in my 50's, my DC are now adult, my DH worked far longer hours than yours but did one late night feed every day so we could split the night time into shifts, had both DC every Saturday morning so I could sleep in and half a day once a week ( his other day off) so I could sleep / batch cook/ go swimming/ read a book / whatever the fuck I wanted to do.