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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to the pub with a married man?

271 replies

Mooloolaba12345 · 13/10/2021 22:46

After a conference where the end was a drinks reception. Afterwards, I went on to the pub with a colleague, just the 2 of us as others had to drive home. We have worked together for years.

We talk about most things, it’s a predominantly male team, very little is off limits and we all talk about our lives freely. The conversation included me being single and silly dating stories etc. He talked about how his marriage isn’t great.

I told a male friend about this and he said I should be careful. He said me being single and him telling me about his marriage when it was just the two of us means something.

AIBU to think I can go to the pub with a married man, talk about life and it be ok and normal?

OP posts:
Loveshelly · 13/10/2021 22:47

Don’t be ridiculous of course you can

FangsForTheMemory · 13/10/2021 22:47

He didn't talk about life, though. He talked about his marriage problems to a colleague whom he knows is single.

MintyGreenDream · 13/10/2021 22:47

Sounds like he's sizing you up for a shag or an affair

FortunesFave · 13/10/2021 22:48

I think if his wife knew...most women would not like it. Especially if he was telling you about their relationship.

Iggly · 13/10/2021 22:48

@FangsForTheMemory

He didn't talk about life, though. He talked about his marriage problems to a colleague whom he knows is single.
^this
YoungGiftedPlump · 13/10/2021 22:50

I spend loads of time in pubs and restaurants with married and single and my DH with married and single women

Totally normal part of both of our jobs (contractors who work away)
Never given it a second thought!

WTF475878237NC · 13/10/2021 22:51

Wants a bit of an ego boost with you instead of talking to his wife and watering his own grass.

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 13/10/2021 22:51

Of course you can go to the pub with a bloke and it mean nothing.

You can’t go to the pub and a married person moan about their marriage however. That is how emotional affairs/actual affairs start.

TheLeadbetterLife · 13/10/2021 22:52

It could be okay and normal, but "my marriage isn't great" is literally what they all say when lining up an affair partner.

It's also not really what work colleagues talk about, unless they're also close friends. Swapping funny dating stories is not the same as talking about a relationship being in trouble.

Marrple · 13/10/2021 22:53

I’ve always been of the opinion that once a married man starts talking about his marriage problems to you, then he is trying to get in your knickers.

Wauden · 13/10/2021 22:54

Your friend was right, the married man is hinting at something else.

SunscreenCentral · 13/10/2021 22:55

Of course you can. But if the next time you meet him, and there's more drinks, more intimacies (because now you're just "people") and it gets flirty and well hey you know the rest

Watchingyou2sleezes · 13/10/2021 22:55

He'll be like a fly on shit from now on.

MrzClaus · 13/10/2021 22:55

I'm sorry but everyone's first instinct "he's sizing you up for a shag" etc is so dramatic.

You've worked together for years! Talking about life includes the not so good bits, including relationship issues. I think it's good that he felt he was able to open up to someone, and good you were also able to share silly stories! Does this mean he should only talk to people who are also married?! Is he not allowed to talk to colleagues due to their relationship status? 🙄

Personally I'd always be hurt if my DP was confiding in others about relationship woes, however it's always important for people to be able to talk to others and be able to deal with things in their own way. I'd confide to my close friends too, so it would be hypocritical to get too upset if my DP did the same. It's not as if you had a cosy coffee in each other's hotel rooms into the wee hours discussing all of his wife's negative points, or late night long phone calls with him pining after a single life!

QuestionNumberOne · 13/10/2021 22:58

Nothing wrong with it.

Unless the married man starts devaluing his marriage and his partner to you. Boundary crossed, cosy little secret chat that the wife must never know about created.

Tired old cliche flickering to life in front of you. Surprised you couldn’t see that.

TiredyMcTired · 13/10/2021 22:59

It should be OK and normal to go for a drink with a friend of the opposite sex. In this situation though, I think that a line was crossed as he was talking to you about his relationship with his wife. If I was married to him I would not be happy about this at all. How would you feel if you were in a relationship and your partner was telling someone you don't know about problems in your relationship?

It sounds like he was giving you the 'my wife doesn't understand me' routine...

WhiskyXray · 13/10/2021 23:00

Faux naivete is not a good look for a grown woman, if that is what you are.

Graphista · 13/10/2021 23:03

YABU

He talked about how his marriage isn’t great

And like your friend that raised it with you this perfectly illustrates why!

I have male and female attached/married friends, for context I'm bi, go for a drink with them or whatever just 2 of us sometimes.

They would NEVER moan about their marriage in the way I suspect he did - which was basically to try and warm you up for a shag/affair!

And quite honestly it sounds like you didn't mind his doing this, the faux naïveté isn't selling

Graphista · 13/10/2021 23:03

@WhiskyXray - great Minds!

Steer clear op

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 13/10/2021 23:04

I have a male friend. He is married, I am not. I’ve known him about 30 years. We go for dinner a few times a year and I know their marriage is difficult.

Managed to not shag each other.

Some friends are just that… friends.

Original poster
Mooloolaba12345 · 13/10/2021 23:07

I am very open so can take openness from others as normality. It does sometimes backfire as I can be oblivious to what is really going on

He has never seemed flirty and I have been single for years so it’s not a new thing.

We have to travel often - how do I handle this going forward?

There is zero chemistry - no interest from me whatsoever

OP posts:
Griefmonster · 13/10/2021 23:10

YANBU. The context of the drinks is work appropriate and reasonable. He however, was being unreasonable. Very bad manners to discuss his marriage with a colleague.

Original poster
Mooloolaba12345 · 13/10/2021 23:15

@WhiskyXray @Graphista
I am not trying to fake naivety or appear stupid, and most importantly I don’t want to create issues at work which is why I am asking for advice.
Is it the AIBU question at the end that makes you think this? I just see people saying ‘that’s not an AIBU’ so phrased it that way. Or just the situation in general?

OP posts:
WeatherwaxOn · 13/10/2021 23:22

I have a very close male friend who is single. We go for meals sometimes and he tells me about relationship issues.
I have two close female friends who are married. Sometimes I am told about how bad their marriages are.
I'm married.
Presumably all these scenarios are potentially iffy as any of them might be sussing me for affair material?

Mydogmylife · 13/10/2021 23:23

@Wauden

Your friend was right, the married man is hinting at something else.
Sadly I agree with this