To go to the pub with a married man?

[Mooloolaba12345]

After a conference where the end was a drinks reception. Afterwards, I went on to the pub with a colleague, just the 2 of us as others had to drive home. We have worked together for years.

We talk about most things, it’s a predominantly male team, very little is off limits and we all talk about our lives freely. The conversation included me being single and silly dating stories etc. He talked about how his marriage isn’t great.

I told a male friend about this and he said I should be careful. He said me being single and him telling me about his marriage when it was just the two of us means something.

AIBU to think I can go to the pub with a married man, talk about life and it be ok and normal?

Some of you lot are weird. You put arbitrary rules in place that bear no relationship to my life at work
It not an arbitrary rule to expect people to be mindful of who they choose to share their marital problems with.
I'd have no issue if DH confided in his friends (male or female). I would have issues if he was talking about how bad our marriage is with a single female colleague when they're hanging out 1-1.

In previous years I would probably have been in the 'no big deal, why shouldn't people talk with colleagues' camp, but having seen and heard how often some men seem to disproportionately find women at work the shoulder they seek (often single, often younger, often attractive), whilst their wives are at home picking up the domestic slack, I struggle to justify it anymore.
There's a lot of women out there who are picking up the domestic slack, doing wife work, sorting the kids out, and doing their best thinking their marriage is ok, whilst their husbands are 'working long hours' and talking about how crap their marriage is. Maybe if these men spent a little less time going for after work drinks, a little less time complaining about how married life isn't as fun and exciting as it used to be, and spent a bit more time doing their bit at home, their marriages would be better.

@longwayoff

Great. Why is OP questioning it then?

She wasn't, until her friends started telling her it was wrong.

The only thing I take issue with, OP, is why you were telling your friend this colleague's business. If I'd had this conversation with you, I wouldn't have expected you to be gabbing it around.

@TirednWorried

The conversation included me being single and silly dating stories etc. He talked about how his marriage isn’t great

It's not just him. Why are you talking to him about your dating?

Because he's her friend that she's known for a long time? Don't you talk to friends about your personal life?

To be honest, I told my close colleagues (female and male) more than I told my family. I don't get @LolaSmiles' logic at all.
The last people I'd confide in about my marriage would be close friends who know us both, and family members. Once said, these things can never be unsaid, and when things improve it would be highly uncomfortable to know that these people still see your relationship in terms of the problems you had ten years ago. These people never go away. Also it can feel disloyal to talk to them about the person they know.
My DD and her boyfriend had problems more than a decade ago, which she confided in me and her DSis back then. They are now very happily married. I suspect she wishes she hasn't told us now. Thirty years ago one of my friends told me about her DH being unfaithful. They worked on the marriage and all has been good ever since. But can I see him in the same way? Not even after 30 years.

Colleagues you like are ideal. They've often never met your partner, so that side of things isn't going to get awkward, and they're not always going to be in your life. Having to think about whether they're single or not before you talk to them just seems weird to me. You have a comfortable relationship with them or you don't.

I cannot believe over half people here think this is in any way dodgy. Says more about your insecurity than the OP’s actions.

@Marrple

I’ve always been of the opinion that once a married man starts talking about his marriage problems to you, then he is trying to get in your knickers.

Sadly, this is true.

It's a typical scenario for people who work in mixed teams and work away a lot. I've been in that situation before and no problems resulted at all. Obviously don't start meeting him in his hotel room or whatever, and if he makes a pass just decline politely. I wouldn't fret about it just because people who've never worked in mixed teams nor travelled have no concept of how friendships work in those environments, you're allowed to have friends.

@MRex

It's a typical scenario for people who work in mixed teams and work away a lot. I've been in that situation before and no problems resulted at all. Obviously don't start meeting him in his hotel room or whatever, and if he makes a pass just decline politely. I wouldn't fret about it just because people who've never worked in mixed teams nor travelled have no concept of how friendships work in those environments, you're allowed to have friends.

Totally missing the point! Its not about going to the pub together, its about discussing their relationships

Because he's her friend that she's known for a long time? Don't you talk to friends about your personal life?

But he's not a close friend he's a colleague. And no I wouldn't talk about personal issues with a colleague.

I’ve always been of the opinion that once a married man starts talking about his marriage problems to you, then he is trying to get in your knickers.

And once a lady tells you she's single and about her dating she's looking to hook up with you?

Its not about going to the pub together, its about discussing their relationships

Indeed, just inappropriate for either of them to be discussing personal issues with colleagues.

They went to the pub, alcohol may have been consumed(?) discussion became over familiar. However with the comment very little is off limits and we all talk about our lives freely it sounds as if the workplace is full of over familiarity. Why would this comment be any different. OP (and her colleagues) need to reassess their workplace discussions.

…does being married really mean you can’t have single friends?

Crazy.

Absolutely nothing wrong with this OP. Trying to shag a married man is wrong, being friends with another human is not wrong.

saraclara
To be fair you've said they're people you are close to.I've got friends I've met through work and would consider them close friends.
I wouldn't consider a colleague that I go for work drinks with a close friend though. I certainly wouldn't sit drinking with a single male colleague and tell him the issues in my marriage. I doubt many women would.

I still think it's telling from the many threads on here where women find out there is a physical or emotional affair when they were under the impression their marriage was fine. There's seemingly a lot of men who seem to seek out female colleagues to moan about their marriages to. I don't think they're necessarily all looking for a quick shag, but it blurs boundaries, tests the waters, opens the ability to justify their behaviour, and they'd be better off spending time investing in their marriage. I highly doubt the men sitting at work complaining about their marriage not being fun are doing 50% of the domestic and family responsibilities.

@madisonbridges

Knowing someone at work for years is completely different to being actual friends who discuss deeper, more intimate issues.

@todaysdilemma. The op said that very little is off limits and we all talk about our lives freely. So it was would seem that their friendship covers "deeper intimate issues." Your idea that work colleagues are not friends is bizarre. I've met most of my 'actual' friends through work. And although I've never discussed premature ejaculation, I have discussed bowel movements with male colleagues. I don't discuss menstrual issues even with my female friends so I wouldn't discuss it with my male friends. (I loved my dad to the moon and back and I never discussed my periods with him either.) This does not mean they're not a friend. My definition of a friend is not "people I can discuss and show my vulva to" or something of that ilk. What a ridiculous notion.

Also, we would happily share rooms with female friends or long standing male friends on holiday, why don't we do that on work trips?
Because I would expect work to pay for me to have my own room, even if I were there with my best friend or even sister. The two friends I'm most likely to go away with and share a room with are two friends I've worked with. So I'd share a room on holiday with them but not at a work do. One of my closet friends is a married man who I used to work with and for. He does occasionally mention a problem in his marriage but that doesn't mean I'd be happy to share a room with him. Neither of us would want yo do that unless ut was an emergency. He's still a really good friend whose opinion and advice I'd happily ask for. Have you only discussed personal issues if you've shared a room with them? I think you'll find most people don't have relationships like that.

So if it's that bad he needs to unload to a single colleague (who isn't even married to offer a relevant perspective), maybe he should consider talking to his friends or an actual therapist.

1. you don't know if she's been married before.
2. she might never have married but have been in a long relationship.
3. You have a very narrow view of who can give advice.
4. the op considers him to be her friend You have read the post and jumped to a lot of conclusions on very limited information and you sound very judgemental. I can see why you have a limited amount of people wanting to share their problems with you.

I don't particularly want a lot of people sharing their marital problems with me unless they are a close friend.... why would anyone?! I'm in a career where I spend most days travelling and living in hotels with predominantly male teams, and have a firm boundary that while I'm happy to chat about anything including mental health problems, I will not discuss marital problems (if it's just me) in a bar with a man while his wife is at home caring for his kids/home/whatever, completely oblivious. None of these men if asked what they did that evening would ever tell their wives "hey, just sat in pub with X alone discussing how unhappy I am with our marriage." And if you have to hide it from your wife, it's not a good thing. If they openly tell their wives they got relationship advice from me, then sure I'd be happy to. It is also human nature to emotionally bond with someone when discussing intimate things (hence the 35 questions test, where they say if you discuss those 35 topics on a first date you could develop attraction/love) , and if there's even the slightest bit of attraction/commonality, it could spiral so why the hell would I take those risks in a workplace.

Also I would have empathy for the partner in this situation, that unless she knows me, she probably wouldn't like her relationship problems shared with a single female colleague over alcohol late at night. These conversations never happen sober at lunch, do they? I'm always baffled by how freely people discuss marriage/relationships problems with people they don't know very well. Some things should be sacred and not risked being part of the workplace gossip mill. There's a lot of workplace practices that aren't always right and if the OP's actual friend has advised her caution, I think she's right to consider it.

Reading between the lines, this is the first time the OP and the married man have ever been for a drink together alone, or in fact spent any significant time alone away from work.
This suggests to me that they aren’t close friends at all. They are colleagues. Which makes it inappropriate for him to confide his marital woes to her.
It puts her in an awkward position. I wonder if she’s had any follow ups from him
“It was so great to talk to someone who really understands me…”
Many of us have been that single woman caught in that awkward situation. I’ve been there and the worst part is feeling like you have to let it get to the point where he’s making a very clear suggestion at starting a sexual relationship because if you put him in his place too quickly, you’ll get the “you think a lot of yourself don’t you?”
It’s toxic.

I don’t know… I want to say it means nothing but…

This happened to me a few years ago. My ex boss and I went for a drink and he told me that his wife had told him she didn’t want to divorce him but she also didn’t want to have sex with him ever again, and that he should look on the internet for someone to scratch his itch.

I didn’t really know what to do with that piece of information…I decided to take it at face value and made what I hoped were sympathetic noises. But other male friends told me it was DEFINITELY that he was advertising a bedroom job vacancy to me….

Of course I said, rubbish, isn’t it possible just to be someone’s friend etc etc

But a couple of years later he did end up making a move on me (and I thought HUH). I wasn’t interested though so it didn’t go anywhere, but he did end up getting divorced anyway and has been with someone else for a few years now.

Checking out these little nuggets from PP's:

“Sounds like he's sizing you up for a shag or an affair.”

“He'll be like a fly on shit from now on.”

“Trying it on, or seeing if you're open to that. Even the nicest men want to get an easy legover when the wife isn't looking.”

“This guy was sniffing around her like a dog looking for a lamp post to piss on. If you can't recognise that then...”

“Men are arseholes. Just always remember that when you think your 'just having a drink'. Because he thinks 'I would shag her'.”

“ANY married man who tells a (usually single) woman all about the sorry state of his marriage is lining up a sympathy shag.”

“It ain't what you think it is baby. Really not. Hand up your skirt next time, he's just working out the lie of the land.”

Will add:

Slippery Slope

Oldest trick in the book

Have your wits about

I have confided in colleagues about my shit relationship, both Male and female, particularly after drinking with them in the past. I wasn’t trying to hit on them, just wanted people to share my problems with. I think most people are reading too much into this.

Of course it's ok to have a drink with a married colleague. However it's not ok to regularly have a drink alone with said colleague, that could be a slippery slope for him or you. Just be mindful when future meet ups are arranged, and avoid ones that are just the 2 of you. If meeting in a group, don't get left as one of the last 2, to protect yourself from gossip. Sad innit that we have to be like this!

It's not up to the OP to "protect herself from gossip."

She has done absolutely nothing wrong and so doesn't need to change her behaviour.

All this "slippery slope" nonsense is extremely disrespectful to the OP, as she's not about to cop off with her married colleague.

And, unless or until he crosses the line, he hasn't done anything wrong either.

@Murdoch1949

Of course it's ok to have a drink with a married colleague. However it's not ok to regularly have a drink alone with said colleague, that could be a slippery slope for him or you. Just be mindful when future meet ups are arranged, and avoid ones that are just the 2 of you. If meeting in a group, don't get left as one of the last 2, to protect yourself from gossip. Sad innit that we have to be like this!

Slippery slopes stop being slippery if a) nobody tries to cross a boundary or b) nobody lets their boundaries be crossed.

So there's really nothing to worry about here. OP doesn't need to avoid anything, except her boundaries being crossed.

It's sad you think 'we have to be like this'. We don't. Speak for yourself. Lots of us have male friends. The slippery slope isn't compulsary. Life is all about surrounding yourself with the right people. It's a shame if you're surrounding yourself with men you feel will cross your boundaries given the opportunity. And a shame you think it's the same for everybody.