To go to the pub with a married man?

[Mooloolaba12345]

After a conference where the end was a drinks reception. Afterwards, I went on to the pub with a colleague, just the 2 of us as others had to drive home. We have worked together for years.

We talk about most things, it’s a predominantly male team, very little is off limits and we all talk about our lives freely. The conversation included me being single and silly dating stories etc. He talked about how his marriage isn’t great.

I told a male friend about this and he said I should be careful. He said me being single and him telling me about his marriage when it was just the two of us means something.

AIBU to think I can go to the pub with a married man, talk about life and it be ok and normal?

The way you handle it in future is to not go to the pub alone with him.

Simple.

Don’t go. Won’t be an issue then. Spend your time with single men instead.

Are you colleagues or good friends? Unless you're the latter, he WBU to discuss his marriage with you. You have to ask why he'd disrespect his wife like that.

"My wife understands me."

I am sure his wife would not appreciate him discussing problems on his marriage with you . Such a betrayal .
You should shut down any further conversation if it happens again.
What a cliche " My wife doesn't understand me " bullshit .
You might have no interest but he may do .Avoid an inappropriate relationship at work and don't put yourself in that position again.

This echos a couple of other threads recently. It appears that married men start pushing boundaries, in a very similar way to each other.

Its fine except where he starts talking about his marriage being bad. Not sure his wife would be happy and I bet he hasn't told her this is what happened

Personally I don’t think you should go out one on one with someone of the opposite sex, when you’re in a relationship, unless you are 100% transparent with your partner - do you believe he was?

Certainly talking to a single female friend about problems with your wife is absolutely not ok.

Can you imagine his telling his wife?

"Hello darling. Yes I had a good day. Miss you and the kids. Got you some fudge. Don't forget the bins go out tomorrow (sorry to be a boring bastard). Oh, one thing. I had a few drinks alone with X, hinted to her what a crap wife you were. She didn't nip it in the bud so we'll see how it goes. Will keep you posted. xx P.S. Give Tiddles a tummy rub from me."

Are you close enough for him to confide in you? If not I'd find it strange.
I'd be inclined to think that his wife's perspective on him discussing their personal problems wouldn't be too favourable. It's very inappropriate he done that.

I have male and female friends / workmates of various relationship status who I go to lunch with/ pub after work. Sometimes a group sometimes not.

Never understand this issue tbh.

Those conferences are a total hotbed of extra marital affairs. Have been for donkeys years. From a one off to the start of a new relationship.

@FortunesFave

I think if his wife knew...most women would not like it. Especially if he was telling you about their relationship.

Agree

I have lots of male friends since I work in a male dominated industry, wouldn't think twice about going for food and drinks with most of them. However if they started moaning about their marriage and asking me about my romantic relationships my spidey senses would be tingling.

Unless they were my best friend I would find that very uncomfortable especially on a work trip.

I see these threads a lot and if anyone would be able to explain something that would be really good as I don't get this at all.

Why is it impossible/ really unlikely that people can have friends of opposite sex and just get on with them?

Yes I have had more than enough times when young that a male friend tried to get off with me and it ruined friendship. Not had that for years though. And it's not inevitable.

And I mean women are capable of saying get stuffed to those who they saw as friends coming onto them. Esp ones who are not single!

I mean when I go on audits it's 2 people rest of team male. We tend to fly together, share cab, same hotel. Evening meal and often drinks together.

We're all married. I mean surely that's obviously totally fine. Surely?

The consensus is it’s not ok, or there are dodgy motives, so I’ll steer clear as much as possible

Thank you for your perspective x

???

It's up to you surely :/

Only you know yourself/ your friend on this thread.

Use your own judgement. Why listen to strangers when we don't know either of you?

I think the issue here is that he’s a colleague, not a friend.

A male friend talking to you about relationship issues is okay. A colleague that you’ve gone for a drink with on a works trip away telling you about his marriage issues is different. Especially as you refer to him as a colleague, not a friend, even though you’ve worked together for years you obviously aren’t that close. And the fact that he waits to tell you this on a work trip away is so obvious.

I have always had colleagues who I drank with in groups, became more friendly with and drank with if no other takers. Or more friendly and lunch/ going for meal after work etc. Both sexes.

The conversation included me being single and silly dating stories etc. He talked about how his marriage isn’t great.

What a disloyal piece of crap he is.

And I regularly do stuff with married men like pub/meals etc. So I don't think it's always bad. But the 'wife doesn't understand me' is the oldest trunk in the book.

Would it be different if he was single?

What does it matter why he's doing it? Friendly or dastardly.. if the latter OP says wtf are you saying/ doing? Go home to your wife FFS.

Not being obtuse promise I just don't get it.

Trying it on, or seeing if you're open to that. Even the nicest men want to get an easy legover when the wife isn't looking. No reason not to go for a drink, just be aware they're ever-hopeful.

@NiceGerbil

I see these threads a lot and if anyone would be able to explain something that would be really good as I don't get this at all.

Why is it impossible/ really unlikely that people can have friends of opposite sex and just get on with them?

Yes I have had more than enough times when young that a male friend tried to get off with me and it ruined friendship. Not had that for years though. And it's not inevitable.

And I mean women are capable of saying get stuffed to those who they saw as friends coming onto them. Esp ones who are not single!

I mean when I go on audits it's 2 people rest of team male. We tend to fly together, share cab, same hotel. Evening meal and often drinks together.

We're all married. I mean surely that's obviously totally fine. Surely?

It's not impossible, but this guy was sniffing around her like a dog looking for a lamp post to piss on. If you can't recognise that then...

I've not had an issue since about 25.

I don't understand the conclusion that I can't spot men who are creeps!

Of course it is fine to have a drink with a platonic male friend!
However, in these situations, if his wife could hear the conversation would she be happy? in your case, no. So that is when it is inappropriate. Crossing a line.
I have had a platonic male work friends who I have had drinks with . . . and if our partners had heard the conversations it would've been fine (mostly work related stuff so prob would've been bored shitless!)
TBH he sounds like a jerk anyway, not someone I'd want to be friends with.

I was coming on to say YANBU. Due to a group I belong to I end up in the pub with a fair few different married men at different times. We talk about a lot of stuff.

However I agree that him making a point of telling you his marriage is crap is the red flag. I have had this, didnt cop on and ended up with someone trying to get off with me despite me never having shown any interest. Apparently me talking to him was me showing interest needless to say we are no longer friends.

So I would be careful and not have any further interaction with him.