Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to the pub with a married man?

271 replies

Mooloolaba12345 · 13/10/2021 22:46

After a conference where the end was a drinks reception. Afterwards, I went on to the pub with a colleague, just the 2 of us as others had to drive home. We have worked together for years.

We talk about most things, it’s a predominantly male team, very little is off limits and we all talk about our lives freely. The conversation included me being single and silly dating stories etc. He talked about how his marriage isn’t great.

I told a male friend about this and he said I should be careful. He said me being single and him telling me about his marriage when it was just the two of us means something.

AIBU to think I can go to the pub with a married man, talk about life and it be ok and normal?

OP posts:
Callixte · 14/10/2021 00:35

There is zero chemistry - no interest from me whatsoever

Then there's no problem, at least as far as you have described the situation. He can't have an affair with you if you won't have an affair with him.

You know your own boundaries; warn him off if he drifts into conversational territory that makes you uncomfortable. Otherwise, no need to make it weird.

Ticksallboxes · 15/10/2021 00:35

I've always thought it really creepy when a man thinks that saying his relationship has problems is meant to "inspire" another woman to want to have sex with him.

Siameasy · 15/10/2021 01:40

You can associate with whoever you want and have whatever conversations you are comfortable with.
No one would tell a bisexual person they can’t associate with anyone of either sex who happens to be attached.
You’re an adult and you’re allowed your own moral compass

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 15/10/2021 01:47

I would have said it's fine until the telling you about his marriage.

I don't know how some posters can't see the difference between an old friend talking to them about their marriage and this situation where he is just a work colleague.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/10/2021 01:52

Why is it impossible/ really unlikely that people can have friends of opposite sex and just get on with them?
If I recall correctly
A. Men only invest time in women they want to fuck. If a man talks to you, he's trying to fuck you or at least keep you in the line in case he has no one else to fuck.
B. No one can ever talk about their martial problems, even in passing, to a friend of appropriate sexually persuasion, without it being an invitation to fuck them
C. Taking about normal things with a man means it's an emotional affair. Having the same conversation with a female is fine and good.
D. Even when they're married, men are icky thinking about who else they can get to fuck them.
E. As a woman, you have no value to a straight man apart from sexually acts. No man is your friend. They all just want to fuck you.

I think that covers it. I mean I spend whole days out in the city with my male friend twice a year. There's banter and alcohol and they basically resemble long dates (coffee, something touristy, lunch, drinks, dinner) and he's never once tried it on. And my name friend who I go to play group with has never once accosted me in the baby change for a quickie. But obviously it's all they can think about 😂

SleepingStandingUp · 15/10/2021 01:54

Thing is op said colleague but they've worked together for years, talk about their lives, spend time together outside of work around work trips and work travel etc. To me that's friend territory. Not BFFs or invited as the honorary man to her hen do, but still friends. In which case I don't see an issue

LobsterNapkin · 15/10/2021 02:05

I have lots of male friends, and am married. But you do need to be a little careful with this stuff.

It's just naive to assume that a work colleague will never have an agenda, or for that matter could develop a real desire for a relationship.

Or that the wife of such a person might be uncomfortable with it, or might even have a very good reason to wonder if her husband, or you, might have an agenda.

Sadly, affairs aren't that uncommon.

LobsterNapkin · 15/10/2021 02:36

And I'd agree that there is a difference between a long time friend and a friendly person at work. Sometimes they can overlap, but often they aren't the same.

I'd feel a bit weird about my dh talking about our marriage problems with his longtime female friend but I'd not begrudge him if he felt he needed advice or comfort.

I'd not expect him to go to a work relationship for those things and it would be a bit of boundary crossing from a professional perspective too. Going to the office Christmas party and have people know about our personal stuff doesn't appeal.

A close friendship involves a kind of trust that isn't there with more casual relationships.

madisonbridges · 15/10/2021 02:42

One of my closest friends is a married family man and we go out for lunch a few times a year. As in all marriages sometimes there are irritations. He tells me about them. I wouldn't say his wife is a friend but I like her. I never take his side and would usually stand up for her in a small way (unless I knew the facts and knew she was completely right and then I'd tell him he was an arse! Lol.) Then I change the convo. Neither of us is interested in the other romantically, we just have a real laugh and enjoy each others company. If you know neither of you are doing anything wrong, why do you care what a random group of mainly anonymous women think?

MiniPumpkin · 15/10/2021 02:58

I would just be careful.
A guy in my work, who I sat next to every day for about 3years confided in me that his marriage wasn’t going well, in the end they divorced. He was devastated and I feel it was appropriate for him to talk to me given we seen each other every day. He was at a loss. I’m married. All very appropriate but I think you’ll know yourself if it is becoming more than that

MiniPumpkin · 15/10/2021 03:02

And sorry to add to the point in your post YANBU, if you are on business and having drinks that’s ok, like my old colleague I would have done it on business, but I’d watch out if he is actively pursuing you for drinks out with this

Hopeisnotastrategy · 15/10/2021 03:27

I can just about envisage a scenario where he didn't mean anything by it - end of a long day, couple of drinks, you've been colleagues for a while...

However, he's a colleague, so why risk it? It's not like you can avoid him afterwards if the conversation takes an awkward turn. I'd have shut it down and ended the evening at that point.

MimiDaisy11 · 15/10/2021 03:54

Did it feel wrong at the time? Was there a change in him? Any weird energy?

It is bad form to talk about his marriage like that, maybe he was trying to sound you out, but maybe he was just saying what was on his mind and now feels bad about bringing it up.

KingdomScrolls · 15/10/2021 06:24

I'm fine with mixed sex friendships and ordinarily think things that raise eyebrows on here are fine. My best friend is male we've known each other since childhood and when we meet without families we do have a moan about respective spouses sometimes, because they are similar in some respects, not seeing what needs to be done, mental load etc and we have a bit of a joke about it. However this is a long established platonic friendship, there have been many years where we've spent a lot of time together and both been single never an inkling of anything else. We also socialise with my husband, his wife and all of our children. Certainly on your colleague's part it sounds like a bit of a fishing expedition, setting up the cliché my wife doesn't understand me, my marriage is already over etc. It might not be but your friend saying be careful is giving good advice, keep your eyes open.

maddening · 15/10/2021 07:06

Good god, as long as it is platonic then no issue. If he ever gave signs of anything then maybe I would worry but otherwise his behaviour is between him and his wife, it is not your responsibility to manage his relationship, you have done nothing wrong.

I am married and would go for a drink with whoever of whichever sex, I can trust myself to not sleep with anyone else.

alwayswrighty · 15/10/2021 07:12

You know your own boundaries; warn him off if he drifts into conversational territory that makes you uncomfortable. Otherwise, no need to make it weird

This in spades.

PeterPomegranate · 15/10/2021 07:18

@LibrariesGiveUsPower45321

Of course you can go to the pub with a bloke and it mean nothing.

You can’t go to the pub and a married person moan about their marriage however. That is how emotional affairs/actual affairs start.

Yeah probably this is it. I am married and would go to the pub with a single male colleague. I wouldn’t moan about my husband though.
Porfre · 15/10/2021 07:22

Theres absolutely no problems with going for a catch up.

The problem comes because he starts talking about his "bad" marriage. And depending on your response it will progress.

Hes prepping you to be the other woman

MadamMoth · 15/10/2021 07:22

I have a long term male work friend. He's been in relationships over the years but most often is single. We go for lovely meals, drinks etc and if I'm having problems at home it will more often or not come up in conversation. It's never occurred to me that he's thinking trouble in paradise could result in a shag for him!

Beautiful3 · 15/10/2021 07:25

Usually when a man complains about their relationship, they're sizing you up. If they don't talk about that but sound positive about their partner then its all fine, just a friendship.

Morgan12 · 15/10/2021 07:26

He wants a shag.

Men are arseholes. Just always remember that when you think your 'just having a drink'. Because he thinks 'I would shag her'.

And I'm guessing there's fuck all wrong with his marriage too.

Dozer · 15/10/2021 07:27

Not U to go for a drink. He was U to talk negatively about his marriage, even if he has no sexual interest in you that was very unfair to his wife.

MyMabel · 15/10/2021 07:30

Although it’s seemingly innocent conversation from your behalf.

I’d be really hurt if I found out my husband was discussing our relationship problems with, well any colleague really.. but a single female colleague would be the icing on the cake. It’s just a bit disrespectful from his side.

The pub trip itself isn’t the issue.

DrSbaitso · 15/10/2021 07:30

The pub trip wasn't an issue, him telling you his wife doesn't understand him or whatever a bit less so. That's not your fault, though.

I'd just give it some distance now.

sjxoxo · 15/10/2021 07:32

If this were my DH I would feel uncomfortable… I think it’s innocent from you but I think you are entering a bit of a grey zone talking about his marriage etc. In principle on paper I think it’s totally acceptable to go for a drink with a well known colleague- of course it is! But there’s something about the details in your op that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Probably if you have to post it here you also feel uncomfortable about it so I’d veer on the side of caution. Xo