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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to the pub with a married man?

271 replies

Mooloolaba12345 · 13/10/2021 22:46

After a conference where the end was a drinks reception. Afterwards, I went on to the pub with a colleague, just the 2 of us as others had to drive home. We have worked together for years.

We talk about most things, it’s a predominantly male team, very little is off limits and we all talk about our lives freely. The conversation included me being single and silly dating stories etc. He talked about how his marriage isn’t great.

I told a male friend about this and he said I should be careful. He said me being single and him telling me about his marriage when it was just the two of us means something.

AIBU to think I can go to the pub with a married man, talk about life and it be ok and normal?

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 15/10/2021 08:32

We talk about most things, it’s a predominantly male team, very little is off limits and we all talk about our lives freely. The conversation included me being single and silly dating stories etc. He talked about how his marriage isn’t great.

So in context all of you are fairly open about your personal life? But you feel him talking about his issues is out of order? Perhaps your whole team are overstepping the boundary for work/personal relationships.

I told a male friend about this and he said I should be careful. He said me being single and him telling me about his marriage when it was just the two of us means something.

Perhaps your male friend wants to play the protector and muddy the relationship with the other man.

Perhaps he was getting ready for an affair, perhaps he wasn't. Big girls pants on, if he tries it tell him to push off. It could be just oversharing during a night at the pub.

This is one of the reason dh would avoid female colleagues when away for work, social interaction can be so easily misconstrued. To be fair there were a few of his male colleagues he avoided as well. Boring old fart at times.

Tal45 · 15/10/2021 08:34

If he's having problems with his wife then the only person who can help him sort that out is his wife. A counsellor or good friend who knows them both well may be able to give a helpful perspective. It's not something to discuss with a single colleague who has never even met his wife. It does depend what he was saying though, was he taking responsibility for the issues? - I'm betting not.

JinglingHellsBells · 15/10/2021 08:36

I'm sorry but I think it's rather silly that in 2021 a woman cannot go for a drink with a married man (who is unhappy) and have to believe he wants an affair and is 'grooming' her for that.

It is quite possible to make it clear that, although the OP is happy to be a listener, she isn't going to get into bed with him.

It takes 2 to have an affair.

All the posts saying steer clear of him suggest the OP (or women in general) are silly little airheads who are going to be 'caught' by a man into an affair, just because they have a drink with him after work, and he talks about his marriage issues.

It's really insulting and patronising.

IntermittentParps · 15/10/2021 08:39

@JinglingHellsBells

I'm sorry but I think it's rather silly that in 2021 a woman cannot go for a drink with a married man (who is unhappy) and have to believe he wants an affair and is 'grooming' her for that.

It is quite possible to make it clear that, although the OP is happy to be a listener, she isn't going to get into bed with him.

It takes 2 to have an affair.

All the posts saying steer clear of him suggest the OP (or women in general) are silly little airheads who are going to be 'caught' by a man into an affair, just because they have a drink with him after work, and he talks about his marriage issues.

It's really insulting and patronising.

Totally agree.
honeylulu · 15/10/2021 08:41

In principle I think it is fine. I sometimes go for a coffee or drink with a male colleague (we are both married) to have a catch up and any office gossip - we are contemporaries so interested in sharing the same sort of info about restructuring, funding, redundancies etc. We do chat about other stuff, our kids etc.

Your colleague telling you about his marriage problems is a bit of an alarm bell. I would be wondering why he was telling me. He may just be very open but there is something uncomfortable about it.

Singalongsingsong · 15/10/2021 08:43

I think the fact that you have asked the question means you have some doubts about the appropriateness of the situation. Drinks and chat with a colleague - fine. Discussion about individual relationship situations suggest you were both sounding one another out. Had his wife been a fly on the wall would she have seen it as appropriate? You ask how to manage it going forward - just keep it colleague friendly. Light chat avoiding relationships, including your dating woes. I’m sure there are plenty of other possible topics.

Janaih · 15/10/2021 08:44

This is standard conference behaviour in my experience. If you're genuinely not interested then no problem.

BigFatLiar · 15/10/2021 08:48

Your colleague telling you about his marriage problems is a bit of an alarm bell. I would be wondering why he was telling me. He may just be very open but there is something uncomfortable about it.

As her telling him about being single and her dating issues, perhaps she was sounding him out for an affair.

Oversharing at the pub.

BadNomad · 15/10/2021 08:51

Gosh. He was being very inappropriate. The pub and drinks with a married man bit is fine. But him telling anyone other than a close friend private and personal details about his marriage is crossing a line and very disloyal towards his wife. I wouldn't be impressed.

MsDogLady · 15/10/2021 08:52

Would he have felt comfortable if his Wife had walked in and heard him telling you all about their ‘not so great’ marriage? I highly doubt it. He would have choked on his beer.

The fact that he chose to play that card with you suggests that he has an agenda where you are concerned.

I bet he called his wife afterward just brimming with warmth and affection.

EerieSilence · 15/10/2021 08:53

I've been working in a male dominated environment for the past 21 years. At one stage, I was at a conference once, looked back and realised, myself and my colleague were the only women in a room of over 250 people.
I went to pubs with my colleagues, I had them confiding in me, even went to cinema with them and never an issue. Have the same trust in DH. Men in male-dominated environments would sometimes want to off-load their worries on female colleagues, at least that's my experience, probably because they're looking for someone to listen to them and it can be difficult among males as they don't want to appear weak.

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 15/10/2021 08:54

You weren’t unreasonable to go but the marriage problems stuff is a red flag and I’d make sure any further social trips with him weren’t one on one.

lioncitygirl · 15/10/2021 08:57

Sorry I’m so confused. So you’re friends/work colleagues - close enough to chat about anything and everything. You’re single so you spoke about your dating stories etc, he’s married and at the moment his marriage isn’t great, so his input in this conversation was about that - he’s not single so didn’t share saying stories and instead shared what was going on with his marriage - what on earth is wrong about that?! And now you’re going to steer clear of him, because he felt comfortable enough with you to share?! When you felt comfortable enough to share what you did?

LlamaTime · 15/10/2021 08:58

To the people saying why can't you have a male friend you confide in - I think you can if they are genuine friends that you have independently of your relationship and if tbey're coming at the conversation looking for genuine advice and support and not doing their partner down to you. Compare : "she's a nagging bitch always complaining and doesn't understand me" to "I think I'm doing things that upset her lately should I sit down and talk to her or try to be more attentive?" (stupid example but you get my drift). If you're unsure about their motive they're not close enough friends. If you suspect they're denigrating their wife to you, it's instantly got to stop.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/10/2021 09:00

Sounds like you were both sizing each other up for an affair to be honest. If he's telling you about his marriage problems, as a work colleague that is massively overstepping the mark.

The fact you didn't call him out or challenge him on it means it won't be the last time either. Be honest with yourself.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/10/2021 09:01

And I have been for plenty of drinks with male friends when it has been entirely innocent and my partner and their partner have been fully aware.

This does not sound like that.

Idony · 15/10/2021 09:08

All perfectly fine until he starts banging on about his marriage not being great.

That's just him fishing for sympathy and laying the groundwork. He crossed the line from colleague to creep.

politics4me · 15/10/2021 09:09

Two points if I may.
We all have conversations with outsiders that we would not pant partner to hear, especially if looking for advice: It's OK.
Drink with colleagues, the customs vary from industry to industry. I used to be in London among 'City types', drinks after work was common men and women. Then we left to catch our trains to Watford or Chingford. We never met families or at week ends.

BungleandGeorge · 15/10/2021 09:14

I think it’s rubbish that this means he must want an affair with you. If he’d had a couple of drinks that could well be the reason he opened up! Bit sad that women and men aren’t allowed to have genuine friendships, would you find it odd if a woman did this? In any case you’re not interested!

dottiedodah · 15/10/2021 09:16

If you are younger and attractive ,then he will be interested in you! I think he is getting an ego boost here isnt he? I would be careful TBH.

BigFatLiar · 15/10/2021 09:16

If he mentions his marriage problems again tell him to post on MumsNet and we'll explain why it's all his fault (whatever it is).

Next time you're away just go back to your room and watch the telly.

Gumbomambo · 15/10/2021 09:18

Of course you can have a male married friend and enjoy each other’s company, just make sure your boundaries are in place. If he starts talking about his marriage just ask him if his wife would be ok with that conversation being had. You don’t need to ask in an arsey way, if he is your genuine friend then of course he should understand why you would ask that. Or if the conversation starts getting around to you being single or his miserable marriage and you aren’t comfortable you can stop it and move it along. Of course if you notice these are the only things he talks about then you can either shut him down or not. You are both adults and if he is looking for an affair partner then you will know exactly what kind of man he is. I hope he’s not though.

TeachesOfPeaches · 15/10/2021 09:19

'My wife doesn't understand me' has been the go to for decades

Beamur · 15/10/2021 09:22

Having a drink with a male colleague - absolutely fine
Him talking about his marriage problems - red flag

TheVanguardSix · 15/10/2021 09:26

Yeah, not unreasonable at all to go to a pub with a married man... just this one. Wink But you know that already, OP. You've learned that there probably shouldn't be a next time with this one.

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