Page 4 | To go to the pub with a married man?

Hattie765 · 15/10/2021 07:41

AIBU to think I can go to the pub with a married man, talk about life and it be ok and normal?

Of course you can but your friend is right and you're straying into dodgy waters once they start complaining about their relationship in this kind of scenario. Which you know if you're honest with yourself.

Pinklioness · 15/10/2021 07:44

It might be completely innocent. I'd be a bit wary though as it can be a lead up to someone making a pass. Not because they're male. Of course you can have male friends. It's just that it can be a prelude to someone hoping for an affair.

diddl · 15/10/2021 07:47

Even if he's not after a shag, why would he think it's OK to talk about the state of his marriage (and badmouth his wife?) to a work colleague?

Why do men use this to start an affair & why do women fall for it??

KimDeals · 15/10/2021 07:49

Why can’t he talk about his marriage??? It’s his marriage. Why not? All the people spouting oh no no no, and then the world spouting “men need to talk” and the “let’s talk about our mental health” collective (but not about your unhappiness in a marriage).

Shocked to say this, but sometimes it must suck to be a man!

Brefugee · 15/10/2021 07:50

I'm sorry but everyone's first instinct "he's sizing you up for a shag" etc is so dramatic.

agree - this is also insulting to the OP as if because he (might possibly) be "up for a shag" there is absolutely no indication by OP that she would be anything other than against that idea.

It is normal, despite what apparently the majority of MN thinks, to talk to your friends about what goes on in your life. And if you've had a couple of drinks sometimes more than you intended.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 15/10/2021 07:52

My DH has lots of really good friends who are women - some who go back to high school - is very gregarious, and is as likely to make new friends (including out of colleagues) who are women as men.

But if I knew he was out drinking alone with a (single) colleague and complaining to her about our relationship, that would feel seismic to me.

Utterly and completely not OK. Deal-breaker territory.

And, I’m sorry, but you do come across as either clueless, very sheltered, or as others have said, faux naive. It has to be the latter, because surely no grown woman is actually this clueless.

Which one of these are you / do you want to be?

GrandDuchessRomanov · 15/10/2021 07:52

Plenty of things to talk about other than his supposedly shitty marriage.

That crosses a line and I think you are being very naive.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 15/10/2021 07:55

@KimDeals

Why can’t he talk about his marriage??? It’s his marriage. Why not? All the people spouting oh no no no, and then the world spouting “men need to talk” and the “let’s talk about our mental health” collective (but not about your unhappiness in a marriage).

Shocked to say this, but sometimes it must suck to be a man!

Of course he can talk about his relationship?!

To his family? Actual friends? A therapist?

A single work colleague? Come on….

diddl · 15/10/2021 07:55

@KimDeals

Why can’t he talk about his marriage??? It’s his marriage. Why not? All the people spouting oh no no no, and then the world spouting “men need to talk” and the “let’s talk about our mental health” collective (but not about your unhappiness in a marriage).

Shocked to say this, but sometimes it must suck to be a man!

Surely that's something you talk to close friends about-not a work colleague who you are killing a few ours with after a conference?

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 15/10/2021 07:57

@Babynames2

I think the issue here is that he’s a colleague, not a friend.

A male friend talking to you about relationship issues is okay. A colleague that you’ve gone for a drink with on a works trip away telling you about his marriage issues is different. Especially as you refer to him as a colleague, not a friend, even though you’ve worked together for years you obviously aren’t that close. And the fact that he waits to tell you this on a work trip away is so obvious.

Agree with this.

If he were an actual close friend, you would very likely know his wife. If he confided in you about relationship problems, it would be in the context of you knowing them both and him wanting advice/support from someone who can see both sides.

That is not what was happening here.

YouTubeAddict · 15/10/2021 08:00

I always used to tease my husband about his ‘work girlfriend’. They’d go to lunch/the gym together. Not he and I her and her husband are all great buddies and go out all the time. DH doesn’t work in the same place anymore and hasn’t for about three years. Totally fine.

overnightangel · 15/10/2021 08:04

@WeatherwaxOn

I have a very close male friend who is single. We go for meals sometimes and he tells me about relationship issues. I have two close female friends who are married. Sometimes I am told about how bad their marriages are. I'm married. Presumably all these scenarios are potentially iffy as any of them might be sussing me for affair material?

If your male friend is single how can he be “sussing” you for an affair

You’re comparing apples and oranges

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 15/10/2021 08:06

@YouTubeAddict

I always used to tease my husband about his ‘work girlfriend’. They’d go to lunch/the gym together. Not he and I her and her husband are all great buddies and go out all the time. DH doesn’t work in the same place anymore and hasn’t for about three years. Totally fine.

That’s nice.

Relevance to the OP?

AuntieStella · 15/10/2021 08:07

Drinks with a colleague that turn into relationship discussions is a very popular way to suss soneube out fir an affair.

That is what the other colleague is warning you about.

The married man is already showing poor boundaries (at best) or deliberately philandering.

Yes, you can be friends with a colleague and go for drinks with them

But unless you are up for an affair, end the evening if it strays into relationship issues (including state of his marriage - you're a colleague/potential friend, not his therapist)

The other colleague has already noticed. Loads of us recognise this very common pattern. I echo his advice, be careful. Be very careful

gannett · 15/10/2021 08:07

I've talked to married/LTR men about their relationship issues in pubs loads of times and they definitely weren't lining me up for an affair. However they were good friends, not colleagues. Friends talking about life difficulties to each other (including relationship ones) is par for the course I think.

I feel like a colleague opening their heart to you like that crosses a bit of a professional line, unless I already thought of them as a friend (and saw them outside work). That actually applies to female colleagues as well - it's not just about being potentially sized up for an affair. If I have to work with you I don't want to hear the woes that should be saved for your friends and/or therapist.

Lalliella · 15/10/2021 08:16

@Mooloolaba12345

The consensus is it’s not ok, or there are dodgy motives, so I’ll steer clear as much as possible

Thank you for your perspective x

I wouldn’t steer clear. Why shouldn’t you have a friendly drink with him if you enjoy his company? Just be wary if the conversation veers towards how his wife doesn’t understand him. Be ready to make it clear you’re not interested if he does start to come onto you. You could tell him an anecdote about a friend sleeping with a colleague and saying how you would never do that.

thepeopleversuswork · 15/10/2021 08:20

Ther'e nothing whatsoever wrong with going to a pub with a married colleague. I do it all the time.

But if he's doing the "my wife doesn't understand me" bit that should be a red flag. It still doesn't mean you've done anything wrong.... and frankly you don't owe it to his wife to pander to her insecurities about her poor marriage.

But it does mean you should mentally chalk up the fact that he's blatantly testing the water for an affair or a shag and put appropriate boundaries in place.

EspressoDoubleShot · 15/10/2021 08:22

Your posts reek of faux naïveté and seem somewhat contrived @Mooloolaba12345
Me and him,just colleagues doing widdle things like discussing his relationship & wife…
The surprised Aibu reaction? Oh it’s the situation in general ⬅️ Huh you don’t say

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 15/10/2021 08:25

and frankly you don't owe it to his wife to pander to her insecurities about her poor marriage.

We have absolutely no idea whether the oblivious wife has insecurities - or even if she knows her husband thinks their relationship is a bit shit. Not sure where you’re getting this from…?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/10/2021 08:26

I was with you til you mentioned the marriage troubles bit.

Yes it could be someone wanting to open up to a friend. Or it could be someone laying the groundwork for a 'my wife doesnt understand me, we never have sex, are you up for it' type situation.

The reality is we weren't there, we don't know, but people are suspicious because lots of us have had men doing the latter.

I think it depends what he said. Blaming her for everything, slagging her off, mentioning growing apart, lack of physical stuff, all dodgy. Someone who is clearly respectful of their wife, acknowledges his part in their troubles, and asking for advice is more likely to be genuine (eg 'it's hard to maintain a connection when I travel so much with work, and I'm knackered when I get back, it's not fair on Sarah and she is getting fed up with it, any idea how I can approach this?' is, in my opinion, not dodgy)

IntermittentParps · 15/10/2021 08:28

YANBU. For heaven's sake. It's a bit sad to think people can't offload a bit of worry on friendly colleagues because of what their relationship status happens to be.

thepeopleversuswork · 15/10/2021 08:28

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

and frankly you don't owe it to his wife to pander to her insecurities about her poor marriage.

We have absolutely no idea whether the oblivious wife has insecurities - or even if she knows her husband thinks their relationship is a bit shit. Not sure where you’re getting this from…?

I just meant that as long as the OP hasn't crossed a line which as far as we know she hasn't its not on her to be concerned with what his wife thinks of him going out for drinks with colleagues.

And I can't see any other reason, at this stage, for not going for a drink, than what his wife might think of it. It's not as if they're shagging on the table....

GrumpyTerrier · 15/10/2021 08:29

You know the answer to this.

The answer is, there is no one-fits-all answer

It could be dodgy or it may not. It really depends on the people at the time, the vibe, the context, the relationship etc.

Standrewsschool · 15/10/2021 08:30

I think in the context, you’ve done nothing wrong. A quick drink after the conference was fine, and if other people were available, they would have joined you.

Maybe he felt he had to reciprocate about his marriage, after you were talking about your dating mishaps. Or worse case scenario he thought you were advertising your single stays to him (ie. I’m available) by you telling these stories.

Going forward, just be aware. Consider the last meeting as just a platonic evening, but don’t put yourself in a position where you are regularly alone with him at a bar.

Standrewsschool · 15/10/2021 08:31

Or maybe he was advertising that he’s available to you.