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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't up to FIL?

293 replies

yutuko · 13/10/2021 20:44

FIL lives a few hours away, and during half term we’re going to visit him. DS1(16) asked if his friend could come, DP said yes and we thought it was all sorted. We told FIL today (as FIL was talking about talking us all for a meal) and he said that it’s meant to be a family visit and he doesn't want to take the friend for a meal.

We will be staying in an Airbnb so we didn't think it would be an issue for him and DS has said he and his friend will probably go somewhere together anyway.

Am I BU to think this isn't up to FIL?

OP posts:
gardeninggirl68 · 13/10/2021 20:48

well it is if he's paying for a meal out but its up to you who stays in accommodation paid for by yourselves

PinkWaferBiscuit · 13/10/2021 20:48

I understand why you wanted to take a friend but if you're sole purpose to the visit is to spend time together and see your FIL then I do find it odd that you've invited someone else to come with you.

I can see why he is disappointed as it will mean he is unlikely to spend any time with your DS.

user1473878824 · 13/10/2021 20:48

I think YABU actually. You’re going to visit your father in law, so he can see his family.

Shamoo · 13/10/2021 20:52

I do think it’s unreasonable to not have checked in in advance of finalising the plans if the purpose of the trip is to visit your FIL, to be honest. The meal being a good example, maybe FIL had been envisaging a certain experience which it won’t be now.

But at 16 I also would expect your FIL to be open to the friend coming.

Just think you (well, DH) should have involved him much earlier.

tiredanddangerous · 13/10/2021 20:53

I think it's a bit weird to take your kids friend to visit family.

negomi90 · 13/10/2021 20:53

Its not up to FIL who you have at the airbnb.
It is up to FIL who's in his house and who's at the meal.
Your 16yo can spent a few days away from friends seeing his grandad.

edwinbear · 13/10/2021 20:54

I can see why he’d be a bit miffed if he was looking forward to spending time with his family and now there is a random he’s never met, joining you all. Also a bit rude of your DS not to join a meal with his grandfather because he’d rather hang out with his mate, who he presumably spends much more time with than his grandfather.

SickAndTiredAgain · 13/10/2021 20:55

I think it’s a bit weird to take a friend on a trip to visit family.

Cantstopthewaves · 13/10/2021 20:57

I think it's rude to take the friend.
Your FIL was looking forward to spending time with his family and now there's a stranger tagging along totally changing the dynamics. He was looking forward to seeing his Grandson.

ThatsAllFolks · 13/10/2021 20:57

He is 16. fil agreed to him coming. He has travelled away from home as a guest. Of course it is unreasonable that he is left out of the meal. Wtaf. I would be mortified on behalf of the friend's family

Graphista · 13/10/2021 20:57

YABU

This is a family trip and I'm guessing you don't see him often and he doesn't get to catch up with ds1 very much as he's at that awkward teen stage?

I think you need to keep it to family only

It's certainly not on to expect him to cover the cost of a meal for this friend, especially (but not only) if he's on a tight budget

Sparklfairy · 13/10/2021 20:58

God, having a kid that isn't in the family at the meal would be so awkward and completely change the dynamic.

CSJobseeker · 13/10/2021 20:58

You were meant to be visiting to see FIL, now you've decided to change the dynamic. Your DS will want to spend time with his friend, and FIL will miss out.

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 13/10/2021 20:59

I really feel for your fil here. Presumably he’s really looking forward to spending some time with this grandson, who I’m guessing he doesn’t see often. Having a friend there will completely change the dynamic, and likely limit the time that your fil & ds spend together.

You’re well within your rights to choose who stays in your accommodation, and i can understand why your son wanted to bring a friend. But I think you need to accept that it’ll be a bit upsetting/disappointing for your fil.

rainbowunicorn · 13/10/2021 20:59

@ThatsAllFolks

He is 16. fil agreed to him coming. He has travelled away from home as a guest. Of course it is unreasonable that he is left out of the meal. Wtaf. I would be mortified on behalf of the friend's family
FIL was only told today so hasn't agreed to any such thing.
ThatsAllFolks · 13/10/2021 21:00

I'd pay for the meal and take friend and stick gs next to fil

PinkWaferBiscuit · 13/10/2021 21:00

fil agreed to him coming.

I don't think FIL actually agreed or even knew that was the plan until today when he mentioned the meal.

kweeble · 13/10/2021 21:00

I think it’s normal for 16 year olds to not go away on family trips or to visit relatives; if taking a friend along encourages him to go then it’s a good compromise.
Your FIL sounds quite mean spirited.

PotteringAlong · 13/10/2021 21:01

I’m on team FiL for this one.

StampOnTheGround · 13/10/2021 21:01

I'd say YABU, I'm an only child and would have never thought to bring a friend to go and visit family.

urbanbuddha · 13/10/2021 21:01

Bit silly of your FIL imo. Meeting his grandson's friend would give FIL more insight into your DS's interests and opinions.

rainyskylight · 13/10/2021 21:01

I think FiL is upset that he thought he'd get to spend some nice quality time with his grandson but instead he'll be off having fun with his mate.

Original poster
yutuko · 13/10/2021 21:02

We don't expect him to pay for the friend but FIL has said the friend shouldn't be coming with us, DS is very close to friend and if we said no I suspect DS would refuse to come and ruin the whole trip anyway.

OP posts:
hereforfun · 13/10/2021 21:03

I'm sure your son can go without seeing his friend whilst visiting family?

I agree with fil as it sounds like he doesn't get to see you guys often and would just like to enjoy his time with you all. I wouldn't be impressed if I was told a non family member was now coming along too.
It seems quite unnecessary

Vivi0 · 13/10/2021 21:03

I don’t think it’s weird at all for your son to take a friend. Who cares what FIL envisioned the trip to be like - your son is 16, not 6. FIL is lucky that your son even wants to go at all.