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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't up to FIL?

293 replies

yutuko · 13/10/2021 20:44

FIL lives a few hours away, and during half term we’re going to visit him. DS1(16) asked if his friend could come, DP said yes and we thought it was all sorted. We told FIL today (as FIL was talking about talking us all for a meal) and he said that it’s meant to be a family visit and he doesn't want to take the friend for a meal.

We will be staying in an Airbnb so we didn't think it would be an issue for him and DS has said he and his friend will probably go somewhere together anyway.

Am I BU to think this isn't up to FIL?

OP posts:
worriedatthemoment · 14/10/2021 18:49

Mn is funny if you have a gp who wants to hold your baby too much or gave then a wotsit instead of a healthy snack everyone its no its your baby put them in their place etc etc
Go non contact etc etc
A gp moaning that a teenager is bringing a mate and wants him to visit alone and its selfish teenager etc etc
Why can't it be understand gp is disappointed but at same time understand a family holiday isn't the most exciting for a teenager so bringing a mate is also ok

BoredZelda · 14/10/2021 18:49

If I had grandchildren I would love to meet their friends. He sounds a right miserable git.

Exactly. My parents love meeting my daughter’s friends when they are here. They’d be happy if we took them to visit.

Fraine · 14/10/2021 19:04

He thinks he’s the pope or something. It’s everyone’s holiday.

billy1966 · 14/10/2021 19:06

They are staying in an Airbnb.

Why do they need permission to bring someone with them?

They are NOT staying with her FIL.

Twofingers · 14/10/2021 20:09

This post has triggered lots of wonderful memories of my parents who sadly stopped living in their nineties. They always welcomed the friends of my children into their home, fed them and took an interest in them. They followed the tales of the lives of many of them into adulthood. These relationships enriched all the lives involved.
To me it’s a miserable culture many of you propose.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 14/10/2021 20:13

The amount of people saying that the grandad should think himself lucky that the 16 year old can even be bothered to visit him. Are you and your kids really this cunty in real life?

jagoda · 14/10/2021 20:16

I am not surprised DS wants a friend for a week away with family. Most teenagers would be the same. I know I certainly was!!

If FIL doesn't want to meet DS friend then it's up to DS whether he chooses to go to the meal or not. He's 16, not 6.

Nanny0gg · 14/10/2021 20:22

@BoredZelda

If I had grandchildren I would love to meet their friends. He sounds a right miserable git.

Exactly. My parents love meeting my daughter’s friends when they are here. They’d be happy if we took them to visit.

That's you.

Why should he be the same?

Nanny0gg · 14/10/2021 20:22

@Fraine

He thinks he’s the pope or something. It’s everyone’s holiday.
OFGS
worriedatthemoment · 14/10/2021 20:22

@Smileyaxolotl1 the amount of people thinking its ol for granfather to decide who goes on the family break in an air b and b also isn't great , why does his feelings trump

worriedatthemoment · 14/10/2021 20:24

@Nanny0gg yes that what this is an opinion many would see no problem , the op sees no problem and its her ds when all said and done and them paying for an air b and b and also their family holiday so why do they not have a say ?

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/10/2021 20:27

Vivi0

That’s really sad, that your kids have such a bad relationship with their grandparents that they feel they’re martyring themselves by spending time with them.

Why are you making assumptions about my children and their relationships with their grandparents?

My children have a good relationship with their grandparents, because they (a) their grandparents would never behave like the FIL has and (b) their grandparents have realistic expectations.

And I still wouldn’t put what any of the grandparents want above what my children want. Ever.“

I’m not making assumptions. You said yourself that’s you wouldn’t expect your children to “martyr” themselves. Which suggests that’s how they feel. That’s not language used to describe a normal, loving relationship.

Our kids love their grandparents, always have. Visiting granny and grandpa for a holiday was always a treat and something much looked forward to. They’re adults now and both maintain a strong bond independently. Our youngest just started university, lives away from home and I was really pleased to learn recently that he remembered my mums birthday without prompting and sent a birthday gift. Mum told me. I called him to say that was lovely of him. His reply “well of course I remembered”. He was surprised I was surprised. No martyring involved.

If you feel your children are martyring themselves by spending time with their grandparents then no, they don’t have a strong relationship.

worriedatthemoment · 14/10/2021 20:27

Some of you must have real insular families who cannot accommodate another child or see that most 16 yr olds don't really want to do family holidays , so bringing a friend os a compromise especially when all lot younger cousins , so days out enjoyed are very different
Its one extra child going to keep another company , Glad in real life I know of no families who would have an issue with this
More the merrier is my family motto and adults feelings don't automatically trump children's ,

worriedatthemoment · 14/10/2021 20:29

@MrsSkylerWhite remembering a birthday by an adult is not a big thing
My kids remember there grandparents birthday , they still would likely want to take a friend on a week family trips when other younger cousins etc are also going
My parents would also be understanding if this as they know teenagers and must remember being one

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/10/2021 20:41

Today 20:29 worriedatthemoment

@MrsSkylerWhite remembering a birthday by an adult is not a big thing
My kids remember there grandparents birthday , they still would likely want to take a friend on a week family trips when other younger cousins etc are also going
My parents would also be understanding if this as they know teenagers and must remember being one“

I thought it was nice that he sent her a present 🤷‍♀️

My parents welcomed kids’ friends on a couple of occasions. The kids were very, very happy to see them alone, though. That was my point. That a 16 year old is so unhappy to give up a few days of his life to make a grandparent happy is pretty sad, to me anyway.

Djmaggie · 14/10/2021 20:45

I think YABU. Poor FIL just wants to spend some tine with his family. Surely DS can go a few days without his friends

Vivi0 · 14/10/2021 21:14

@MrsSkylerWhite

Vivi0

That’s really sad, that your kids have such a bad relationship with their grandparents that they feel they’re martyring themselves by spending time with them.

Why are you making assumptions about my children and their relationships with their grandparents?

My children have a good relationship with their grandparents, because they (a) their grandparents would never behave like the FIL has and (b) their grandparents have realistic expectations.

And I still wouldn’t put what any of the grandparents want above what my children want. Ever.“

I’m not making assumptions. You said yourself that’s you wouldn’t expect your children to “martyr” themselves. Which suggests that’s how they feel. That’s not language used to describe a normal, loving relationship.

Our kids love their grandparents, always have. Visiting granny and grandpa for a holiday was always a treat and something much looked forward to. They’re adults now and both maintain a strong bond independently. Our youngest just started university, lives away from home and I was really pleased to learn recently that he remembered my mums birthday without prompting and sent a birthday gift. Mum told me. I called him to say that was lovely of him. His reply “well of course I remembered”. He was surprised I was surprised. No martyring involved.

If you feel your children are martyring themselves by spending time with their grandparents then no, they don’t have a strong relationship.

Look, don’t you dare tell me what my children’s relationship with their grandparents is like. You don’t know me or my children.

I used the word “martyr” in response to all the comments made about the OP’s son along the lines of but his grandfather is sad, his grandfather wanted his full attention, won’t he consider his grandfather, he won’t be around much longer.

No child should be forced to put an adult’s feelings above their own.

The son wants to take a friend. He takes the friend. His grandfather is an adult. He can deal with it.

And on the subject of loving relationships, what’s loving about preventing your grandson taking a friend on what would otherwise be a boring holiday for him.

CrankyFrankie · 14/10/2021 21:14

I don’t have teenage boys yet but in my head (!) I will be begging, bribing and mostly threatening them to be dutiful grandchildren if they’re lucky enough to still have any grandparents around by then.

CrankyFrankie · 14/10/2021 21:15

Oh I thought that would be a strike through, not an underline 😆

Vivi0 · 14/10/2021 21:17

My parents welcomed kids’ friends on a couple of occasions. The kids were very, very happy to see them alone, though. That was my point

Not all kids are the same. Not all adults are the same. Shocking, I know.

That a 16 year old is so unhappy to give up a few days of his life to make a grandparent happy is pretty sad, to me anyway

It’s not up to a 16 year old to “give up” anything to make their grandparent happy. That’s fucked up. Any parent putting that responsibility onto a child is a shit parent.

3scape · 14/10/2021 21:18

If you're having to travel to see FIL, as I would then Yanbu. The friend probably has a better connection to your lives and certainly the child than someone who barely visits etc, of course you want to do things over the break with them

SallyWD · 14/10/2021 21:23

As your son's friend is coming I find it quite odd that he should be excluded from the meal. It's an unfriendly thing to do! At the same time I feel sad that everyone's saying it's normal for a 16 year old to hate spending time with their grandparents. Of course I know friends are everything at that age (it was the same for me) but at 16 I loved seeing my grandparents! I'd go and stay with them on my own and really looked forward to it. I never stopped loving their company just because I was a teenager. I didn't realise that was so unusual. I suspect the grandfather is feeling a little hurt and that's why he's reacted like this. Or is he a shy, socially awkward man?

worriedatthemoment · 14/10/2021 21:24

@MrsSkylerWhite no one has actually said how unhappy he is and its a week away with other family members too not just the fil and we have no idea if every day was to be spent with the fil or not and why does his feelings only matter and not the childs
Yes its lovely your child got their grandparent a present and have a good relationship and this young boy taking his mate might have a great week and it might strengthen his relationship even
I think if they were staying at the fil be different but in air b and b they will have lots of time in there .

worriedatthemoment · 14/10/2021 21:29

@SallyWD guess it depends on the relationship I would happily of stayed at one sets , ny other grandad although I loved him he wasn't a kids sort of person an staying there was hard work and very prim and proper and he lived far away so we used to make it a family break and pop
In as that was easier , both sets of grandparents were polar opposites and same for my dc , one they would drop everything for the other not so much , as one has been a hands on set of grandparents the other pushed them aside for more favoured grandchildren
That said the ones they would do a lot for a week away with them they may ask for a friend for
Company too

MrsDeaconClaybourne · 14/10/2021 21:31

This is one of those threads where I feel like I live in a parallel universe. I just can't imagine this being a problem. We lost MIL and FIL recently but they'd have loved to meet any of the DGCs friends and be pleased they were enjoying their holiday more by bringing a friend. As would my DM.

I'm an only child and often had friends at family stuff and me at theirs. One of my BF lives about 60 miles away and occasionally take my DM when I visit so they can have a catch up.

If it was a formal family event like a wedding or something i could just about understand but to me part of being a family is extending a welcome to each other's friends. You don't lose out and you might gain something.