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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't up to FIL?

293 replies

yutuko · 13/10/2021 20:44

FIL lives a few hours away, and during half term we’re going to visit him. DS1(16) asked if his friend could come, DP said yes and we thought it was all sorted. We told FIL today (as FIL was talking about talking us all for a meal) and he said that it’s meant to be a family visit and he doesn't want to take the friend for a meal.

We will be staying in an Airbnb so we didn't think it would be an issue for him and DS has said he and his friend will probably go somewhere together anyway.

Am I BU to think this isn't up to FIL?

OP posts:
edwinbear · 13/10/2021 21:04

Your DS can’t stand to spend a couple of days away from his mate, to visit his grandad? Shock

Kite22 · 13/10/2021 21:06

I agree with most.
If you are going up to visit your FiL, then it is family that go. It is odd to take a friend.

If you were going for a week at the seaside and calling in on the way home as you were passing, that is different. But YABU to bring a gate crasher to a family gathering.

Maskless · 13/10/2021 21:06

I think FIL is being unfriendly and unsociable taking against a teenage child.

Why does everyone think that blood is the only important thing in the world?

I can't believe all the women on this thread backing up this man's unfriendliness towards a youngster.

Strictly1 · 13/10/2021 21:06

@Vivi0

I don’t think it’s weird at all for your son to take a friend. Who cares what FIL envisioned the trip to be like - your son is 16, not 6. FIL is lucky that your son even wants to go at all.
How rude!
DFOD · 13/10/2021 21:06

I think it’s really sad that the GF isn’t open to welcoming and embracing his DGSs friend. In my culture friendships are encouraged and celebrated. I hope that when I am a GP I have the privilege of meeting the friends who my GC bond with.

saraclara · 13/10/2021 21:07

@kweeble

I think it’s normal for 16 year olds to not go away on family trips or to visit relatives; if taking a friend along encourages him to go then it’s a good compromise. Your FIL sounds quite mean spirited.
Really? Not in my world. Why would a16 year old not come along on a family visit to his grandparent? Family is important.

I'm also on team FIL. Grandkids are so important to, and loved by, the vast majority of grandparents. It's hard enough to maintain the relationship from a distance, without the teen inviting a friend along to create a buffer.

Aderyn21 · 13/10/2021 21:07

I think it's okay for DS to take a friend - Fil will still be seeing his son and Dil and would probably have nice conversations with his grand son if he was willing to be a bit more welcoming - friends are very important to teenagers and presumably it's his trip too, so why shouldn't he have company and fun.

Maskless · 13/10/2021 21:07

What if the "unwanted" teenager has no grandparents of his own to visit? I didn't!

I'm disgusted at the comments on here that it's OK to exclude anyone not connected by blood.

Marvellousmadness · 13/10/2021 21:07

You are not u at all.
Bring the friend of course
Nothing worse than being 16 and having to travel hours to visit your grandparent/s.
Because at 16 you just wanna hang with friends . I feel like many pp's have forgotten what its like to be a teenager.

Take the friend to the airbnb! For sure

And fil should be lucky you guys are even coming. And the 16yo is coming!! At that age i would have said thanks he no and stayed home :)

What would fil rather have? No grandson visiting? Or a grumpy grandson even? Nah. Plus its not his decision who can come really. Its not like your staying at his house. And a restaurant is a public place

thistimelastweek · 13/10/2021 21:09

Why did teenage boy have to invite his pal along? Was that a condition of his acceptance of the invitation?

Like a visit to grandad is a big chore that needs an inducement?

I think grandad is seeing it like it is.

Vivi0 · 13/10/2021 21:09

@Strictly1

Not rude, but realistic.

The problem seems to be what FIL “thought” the trip was going to be like.

You can’t force anyone to want to spend nice quality time with anyone else.

Children get older and things change. I think grandparents forget this sometimes.

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/10/2021 21:09

Vivi0

I don’t think it’s weird at all for your son to take a friend. Who cares what FIL envisioned the trip to be like - your son is 16, not 6. FIL is lucky that your son even wants to go at all“

That’s brutal! Our adult kids love visiting their grandparents. They do it independently now. Unless there’s a backstory, that a 16 year old can’t give up a day of their precious time to visit their grandparent without a friend (/phone!) stinks.

choli · 13/10/2021 21:09

@Vivi0

I don’t think it’s weird at all for your son to take a friend. Who cares what FIL envisioned the trip to be like - your son is 16, not 6. FIL is lucky that your son even wants to go at all.
You seem to set the bar very low for teenagers.
Cuddlyrottweiler · 13/10/2021 21:10

YABVU. Your son would refuse to visit his grandad if he couldn't take his friend with him? Poor grandad lookin forward to seeing his family and finding out his grandson isn't planning on spending time with him and is bringing his friend so he has someone to spend time with.

Unless there's a massive drip feed that FIL is an arsehole and never taken any interest in DS you shouldn't have even allowed the suggestion.

Chickychoccyegg · 13/10/2021 21:10

I think you were rude to agree to friend coming before mentioning it to fil.
Ds is obviously not fussed about spending anytime with his grandad which is a shame, a few posters have said fil is lucky ds is going, which is really sad, my 16 year old loves their grandparents and would happily visit without a bribe of bringing a friend, I dont see why fil should want to spend anytime with a random teenager

BringPizza · 13/10/2021 21:12

If ‘visiting’ means spending all day everyday together then taking a friend is a bit off. If ‘visiting’ means staying locally and going out for dinner, maybe popping in for a cuppa then yanbu.

PumpkinsandTea · 13/10/2021 21:13

YABVU

HollowTalk · 13/10/2021 21:13

If I had grandchildren I would love to meet their friends. He sounds a right miserable git.

Beautiful3 · 13/10/2021 21:14

Fil is being a little rude. You can't leave the friend behind, alone while you go out for dinner! I would include him and pay for the whole meal.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 13/10/2021 21:14

@Cuddlyrottweiler

YABVU. Your son would refuse to visit his grandad if he couldn't take his friend with him? Poor grandad lookin forward to seeing his family and finding out his grandson isn't planning on spending time with him and is bringing his friend so he has someone to spend time with.

Unless there's a massive drip feed that FIL is an arsehole and never taken any interest in DS you shouldn't have even allowed the suggestion.

Agreed. You've already admitted he will be going off with this friend so he won't actually be seeing his grandad.

No wonder FIL is frustrated if he had been looking forward to seeing and spending quality time with his grandson and now he won't get to do any of that.

I mean realistically even if he agreed this boy could attend the meal will your son actually talk to his grandad or will he instead be only interested in his friend?

SickAndTiredAgain · 13/10/2021 21:15

And fil should be lucky you guys are even coming.

That’s harsh. Unless the FIL has history of being horrible I don’t think people should feel like they should be grateful their children deign to visit them.

WorriedGiraffe · 13/10/2021 21:15

YABU, he wants to see his grandson at a nice meal, and you’ve said yourself he probably won’t come anyway as he will go off and see his friend. Your FIL won’t get to see your son properly with his friend around as you’ve basically said yourself and the purpose of this trip is to visit family, not a random holiday.

Original poster
yutuko · 13/10/2021 21:16

DS had a girlfriend when he first refused, and DP told him she could come with us, but they've broken up so DS has asked if this friend can come.

OP posts:
Vivi0 · 13/10/2021 21:17

You seem to set the bar very low for teenagers

It’s just the truth.

I think the real issue is that FIL, a grown ass man, would refuse to take his grandson’s friend to dinner and quite happily leave the 16 year old boy in the apartment himself. That’ll really make your grandson want to make an effort to come and see you again!

If I had grandchildren I would love to meet their friends. He sounds a right miserable git.

My thoughts exactly!

sendaisnow · 13/10/2021 21:18

Your FIL is a miserable grump and your DS will pick up on that. Why are people so miserable?