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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't up to FIL?

293 replies

yutuko · 13/10/2021 20:44

FIL lives a few hours away, and during half term we’re going to visit him. DS1(16) asked if his friend could come, DP said yes and we thought it was all sorted. We told FIL today (as FIL was talking about talking us all for a meal) and he said that it’s meant to be a family visit and he doesn't want to take the friend for a meal.

We will be staying in an Airbnb so we didn't think it would be an issue for him and DS has said he and his friend will probably go somewhere together anyway.

Am I BU to think this isn't up to FIL?

OP posts:
worriedatthemoment · 13/10/2021 22:33

You must all of had miserable grandparents who would have an issue with a child bringing a friend
Im in my 40's if I go and see my nan now , I can rock up with a friend and wouldn't be an issue

MissBattleaxe · 13/10/2021 22:36

YABU. Sounds like FIL was caught off guard rather than "being controlling." When I was a teenager we visited famy without props/ company. I'd give anything to have one more conversation with any of my grandparents now. DS needs to consider his grandfather's feelings . They won't be here forever.

SickAndTiredAgain · 13/10/2021 22:39

The presence of the friend in no way detracts from the possibility of spending time with the grandson.

Except OP has said that her son will be missing all other family activities the whole week as he’ll be with his friend. So the presence of the friend generally (not specifically at the meal) is definitely reducing the time with his grandfather.

sammylady37 · 13/10/2021 22:40

@Marvellousmadness

You are not u at all. Bring the friend of course Nothing worse than being 16 and having to travel hours to visit your grandparent/s. Because at 16 you just wanna hang with friends . I feel like many pp's have forgotten what its like to be a teenager.

Take the friend to the airbnb! For sure

And fil should be lucky you guys are even coming. And the 16yo is coming!! At that age i would have said thanks he no and stayed home :)

What would fil rather have? No grandson visiting? Or a grumpy grandson even? Nah. Plus its not his decision who can come really. Its not like your staying at his house. And a restaurant is a public place

Such breath-taking arrogance. The fil should be grateful the 16 yr old is deigning to visit and Grace him with his presence. Cos of course there’s nothing worse than this for the 16 yr old. Nothing worse? What a charmed life you must have led.

The 16 year old sounds like a spoiled brat, who thinks he can dictate to the rest of the family. He’ll spoil the whole trip for everyone if he doesn’t get his own way? Why is he being pandered to? Maybe it’s time for him to learn that in life, you don’t always get your own way and sometimes you suck it up and do things you’re not hugely keen on for the sake of others. It’s not all about him.

Gilly12345 · 13/10/2021 22:42

I think taking the friend to visit family is rude, family is family and friends are friends, it sounds like you/your child is not prepared to give FIL your time.

Your child I’m sure spends lots of time with his/her friend so this visit should be family time.

Vivi0 · 13/10/2021 22:44

Maybe it’s time for him to learn that in life, you don’t always get your own way and sometimes you suck it up and do things you’re not hugely keen on for the sake of others. It’s not all about him.

I think, given the FIL’s age, it may be time for him to learn this lesson. It’s long overdue.

Bopping298 · 13/10/2021 22:48

This. He's there for a week and won't do anything with his grandad except go for one family meal, which he won't even do without bringing someone else? And you think this is fine? And so many people think the grandfather is the unreasonable one here?

This!

worriedatthemoment · 13/10/2021 22:48

@SickAndTiredAgain except she didn't say that at all , and we don't even know if they are going for a week or days , and of how much time they planned to spend with fil ,

worriedatthemoment · 13/10/2021 22:50

@Vivi0 where did the OP mention FIL age ?

GatoradeMeBitch · 13/10/2021 22:52

If they are there for a week it's perfectly reasonable to take a friend for the teenager.

Missing a family meal is one thing, but the FIL doesn't sound like a wonderful person if he's opposed to the friend coming on the holiday. Was he expecting a 16 year old to be hanging off his every word for a whole week?

JacquelineCarlyle · 13/10/2021 22:54

@DoraMaude

I'm clearly in the minority here. It wouldn't occur to me that the friend wouldn't come along to the family meal. He's your guest. I can't believe anyone would think he should be left out. If FIL doesn't want to pay for him, then fine, but I think that's really inhospitable.

I can't believe people treat others like this.

I'm with you Dora!
Smileyaxolotl1 · 13/10/2021 22:56

YY sammylady
Totally agree. Fortunately most teenagers aren’t actually selfish spoilt pricks with pandering parents and many do really appreciate seeing their older relatives.

SickAndTiredAgain · 13/10/2021 22:56

[quote worriedatthemoment]@SickAndTiredAgain except she didn't say that at all , and we don't even know if they are going for a week or days , and of how much time they planned to spend with fil , [/quote]
She said
“We'll be going for the week, DS will be at the meal but has said he probably wont be doing other things (like walks etc) as he'll be doing something else with his friend.”

Vivi0 · 13/10/2021 22:57

[quote worriedatthemoment]@Vivi0 where did the OP mention FIL age ? [/quote]
She didn’t.

If posters are going to start suggesting it is time for the 16 year old son to learn some life lessons about sucking things up and not always getting one’s own way, perhaps the grandfather wants to have a go at that first as that lesson is long overdue for him.

Kite22 · 13/10/2021 22:57

The presence of the friend in no way detracts from the possibility of spending time with the grandson.

There are threads on here every other week where people ask if they would be unreasonable to insist their friend doesn't change the dynamic of the meet up / meal / get together by bringing their dc or new boyfriend or even new mate along and people always agree that of course it changes the dynamic.

Admittedly since your post, the OP has clarified that the grandson is not going to spend time with the family at all other than that meal.

hairybakers · 13/10/2021 22:58

This. He's there for a week and won't do anything with his grandad except go for one family meal, which he won't even do without bringing someone else? And you think this is fine? And so many people think the grandfather is the unreasonable one here?

Team FIL. DS sounds like a spoilt brat tbh

Datsandcogs · 13/10/2021 22:58

I think FIL needs a lesson on teenagers.

He needs to be reminded that a week away from home is not a treat for a teen and the friend accompanying your family will keep the teen sweeter. FIL also needs reminding that without the friend coming too then teen probably wouldn’t attend and then family trip would be much curtailed. It might also help to be explicit in your expectation to pay for the visiting teen.

I’m not sure I could be as sensitive as the suggestions I’ve made, “FIL without friend teen will be grumpy and spoil it for all of us, or with friend teen will be happier and more willing and you will get to see you GC. If teen doesn’t come our trip will be very much shorter. Which would you prefer?”

Vivi0 · 13/10/2021 23:04

Fortunately most teenagers aren’t actually selfish spoilt pricks with pandering parents and many do really appreciate seeing their older relatives

I’m failing to see what is selfish or spoilt about a 16 year old asking to take a friend on a week’s holiday that only includes young children and adults.

Calling him a prick is out of order.

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/10/2021 23:05

Today 21:32 Fraine

FIL sounds like a controlling twat“

Conversely, 16 year old sounds like spoiled brat.

5foot5 · 13/10/2021 23:06

Im in my 40's if I go and see my nan now , I can rock up with a friend and wouldn't be an issue

Well yes, but in your 40s you and your friends are no doubt mature enough and sociable enough to both be able to keep your end up in a lively conversation with your nan. This 16 year old and his mate sound a long way from that

sammylady37 · 13/10/2021 23:07

@Smileyaxolotl1

YY sammylady Totally agree. Fortunately most teenagers aren’t actually selfish spoilt pricks with pandering parents and many do really appreciate seeing their older relatives.
I’m aghast at how the op seems to have casually accepted that the 16 year old will spoil it for everyone if he doesn’t get his own way. What a parenting fail to have raised someone who thinks this behaviour is acceptable.
Wauden · 13/10/2021 23:08

I do feel very sorry the grandfather, who won't be around forever.

Mydogmylife · 13/10/2021 23:08

@yutuko

DS had a girlfriend when he first refused, and DP told him she could come with us, but they've broken up so DS has asked if this friend can come.
Team fil. All bending over backwards to suit DS
Offmyfence · 13/10/2021 23:09

16 year olds don't get to chose not to come to visit their grandparent.

FictionalCharacter · 13/10/2021 23:10

YABU, and it’s especially unreasonable to add someone to the party after the visit was arranged, someone who isn’t part of the family.