Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't up to FIL?

293 replies

yutuko · 13/10/2021 20:44

FIL lives a few hours away, and during half term we’re going to visit him. DS1(16) asked if his friend could come, DP said yes and we thought it was all sorted. We told FIL today (as FIL was talking about talking us all for a meal) and he said that it’s meant to be a family visit and he doesn't want to take the friend for a meal.

We will be staying in an Airbnb so we didn't think it would be an issue for him and DS has said he and his friend will probably go somewhere together anyway.

Am I BU to think this isn't up to FIL?

OP posts:
ShaneTheThird · 13/10/2021 21:48

Yabu and your son sounds like a spoiled brat. A 16 year old who rules the roost and dictates who he takes on a family visit or else he refuses to go?

FIL is right. He wants to see his family not a random teenager completely unconnected to him.

Notmoresugar · 13/10/2021 21:48

YANBU
Your FIL sounds like a right old grump.
In this situation I know my DS would want a friend to go otherwise it would be pretty boring.
You should offer to pay for the meal though.

Tilltheend99 · 13/10/2021 21:51

@Vivi0

I don’t think it’s weird at all for your son to take a friend. Who cares what FIL envisioned the trip to be like - your son is 16, not 6. FIL is lucky that your son even wants to go at all.
Maybe FIL should start taking randoms along for return visits. It would make for an entertaining sitcom.
Standrewsschool · 13/10/2021 21:52

Maybe fil didn’t want friend to come as he doesn’t want pay for him at the meal. Maybe explain that you will cover his costs.

IrishMel · 13/10/2021 21:54

I think FIL is been very unreasonable. He cannot control your life like this or your son's. I understand why you son wants a friend to go on the trip and that is really kind of you. I would tell FIL you will pay for son's friend's meal but you are not leaving that friend alone. Imagine what his parents would think. Is your FIL very controlling. Would not bother me at all and would welcome the friend.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 13/10/2021 21:54

I know my DS would want a friend to go otherwise it would be pretty boring

I find this so odd. Why is it boring? He's visiting family who presumably he hasn't seen in a while. What kind of terrible relationship do some people's kids have with their grandparents that they would think a visit to see them was boring??

Couchbettato · 13/10/2021 21:55

I'm team DS.

At 16 he's almost an adult, and will be making his own decisions soon about whether to have a relationship with his grandad.

If grandad doesn't put the effort in to accommodate DS (which will include his friend this time round) then DS is not likely to want to maintain a relationship with him when he's an adult.

Family IS important but it goes both ways.

There's also no point in forcing a relationship between a 16 year old and an old man if he doesn't want it, and at 16 I would have said my friends were more important than an uninvolved grandparent too.

flippertyop · 13/10/2021 21:56

He is 16 I am not suprised he wants to bring a friend. I think your FIL is being ridiculous

Vivi0 · 13/10/2021 21:56

Maybe FIL should start taking randoms along for return visits. It would make for an entertaining sitcom

I don’t see why not! FIL can have a friend stay over in his Air B&B if he likes. He’s absolutely entitled to do that. If he’s not expecting the OP to host him in her house, that is.

I can’t imagine the DS will be making any effort to see his grandfather on that return visit after this though. And I wouldn’t blame him.

IrishMel · 13/10/2021 21:56

It is boring for teenagers as at that age they want their friend's. Why should fil get to dictate who goes, he sounds like a right old grump.

C8H10N4O2 · 13/10/2021 21:58

I wouldn't have taken a friend the DGP doesn't know when visiting grandparents. The point is the spend some time with the grandparents not the friends which DC see all the time at home.

Imposing an unknown teen on the family you are visiting without discussing first is pretty rude. its not about the cost of the meal, its about unilaterally deciding that its no longer a family visit to the DGP but a standard trip with DC friends along to keep them occupied.

Tilltheend99 · 13/10/2021 21:58

She said they are mostly just going off by themselves. It’s not about fil getting an extra visitor it’s about gs having an excuse to not spend time with his gd on this trip. And maybe fil would have agreed if he had actually been included in the discussion about who would visit him.

Chickychoccyegg · 13/10/2021 22:00

But no ones said fil is uninvolved or an old man 🤔 ?
Also I don't think it was the meal in particular fil had a problem with, he hadn't been told about this random teen coming on the trip at all, he's not suggested friend stays at the Airbnb alone, he didn't know the friend wad coming at all!!
Some of you must have really self absorbed, selfish kids going by the replies on here!

HappyDays101010 · 13/10/2021 22:01

It would be very bad mannered for the 16 year old to refuse to come if they didn't have a friend with them.

Tilltheend99 · 13/10/2021 22:03

@Vivi0

Maybe FIL should start taking randoms along for return visits. It would make for an entertaining sitcom

I don’t see why not! FIL can have a friend stay over in his Air B&B if he likes. He’s absolutely entitled to do that. If he’s not expecting the OP to host him in her house, that is.

I can’t imagine the DS will be making any effort to see his grandfather on that return visit after this though. And I wouldn’t blame him.

Remember when people used to respect the elderly instead of bowing down to their bratty offspring. They will do the same thing to you one day.
terrifa · 13/10/2021 22:03

If it's a visit to spend time with FIL and visit his house during the stay, and you rarely see him, then I think YABU.

But I hate when other people "join" occasions that change the dynamic.

I can see why FIL isn't happy tbh.

But then I'm autistic so I'm not sure if my feelings are unusual. I hate if anyone "brings" strangers to my house or to meals I've planned.

choli · 13/10/2021 22:06

@IrishMel

It is boring for teenagers as at that age they want their friend's. Why should fil get to dictate who goes, he sounds like a right old grump.
And a few years down the road OP and her son will be wondering why he gets no inheritance.
SnackSizeRaisin · 13/10/2021 22:08

Hmm I think the friend should be taken along too. The presence of the friend in no way detracts from the possibility of spending time with the grandson. It's just one friend, conversation can carry on with them present.
It would obviously be nice for the fil if the GS wanted to spend time with him, but if that isn't the case, then the relationship can't be forced. Grandparents can be overbearing, negative, boring etc, that's as well as the fact that what do a 16 year old and an old man really have in common. The fact that the fil has reacted in this way pretty much confirms that he is a bit of a selfish fun sponge.

Dojacatpaws · 13/10/2021 22:08

Bloody hell, fil is a bit of a dictator

Tilltheend99 · 13/10/2021 22:08

It’s no surprise he thought the trip would be different considering she admitted they didn’t even involve him in it.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/10/2021 22:09

How long is the visit going to last?

anon12345678901 · 13/10/2021 22:10

@SnackSizeRaisin

Hmm I think the friend should be taken along too. The presence of the friend in no way detracts from the possibility of spending time with the grandson. It's just one friend, conversation can carry on with them present. It would obviously be nice for the fil if the GS wanted to spend time with him, but if that isn't the case, then the relationship can't be forced. Grandparents can be overbearing, negative, boring etc, that's as well as the fact that what do a 16 year old and an old man really have in common. The fact that the fil has reacted in this way pretty much confirms that he is a bit of a selfish fun sponge.
Or he wants to have family time with family and not a random friend he doesn't know?
SnackSizeRaisin · 13/10/2021 22:10

And a few years down the road OP and her son will be wondering why he gets no inheritance.

So you think the 16 yo should do what the fil wants just to get his hands on some money? What if the fil has no money? Or leaves it to someone else instead? Personally I'd rather have genuinely enjoyable relationships, than spend time toadying up to people just to get my hands on their money after the die. What a depressing idea

ViperHalliwell · 13/10/2021 22:11

YABU, of course it's up to him who comes to a dinner he's hosting. At this point, you can't disinvite the friend but he can entertain himself for one evening. If you're embarrassed, just apologise/tell the friend that graddad's a bit eccentric and offer to get him his choice of takeaway or something on the evening you're with FIL. Your son should go with you to see his grandfather; don't give him an option. (He also shouldn't be calling all the shots at 16, but that ship has probably sailed.)

SickAndTiredAgain · 13/10/2021 22:11

If I had to guess, I’d say the fact that the friend wants to come on this trip suggests that not a huge amount of the son’s time will be spent with his grandfather. I mean, as a 16 year old I liked seeing my grandparents but I would not have wanted to tag along on a friend’s family trip to visit other family. So I assume the son has told the friend they won’t really have to spend much time with the grandfather. So I can see why he’s not thrilled.