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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't up to FIL?

293 replies

yutuko · 13/10/2021 20:44

FIL lives a few hours away, and during half term we’re going to visit him. DS1(16) asked if his friend could come, DP said yes and we thought it was all sorted. We told FIL today (as FIL was talking about talking us all for a meal) and he said that it’s meant to be a family visit and he doesn't want to take the friend for a meal.

We will be staying in an Airbnb so we didn't think it would be an issue for him and DS has said he and his friend will probably go somewhere together anyway.

Am I BU to think this isn't up to FIL?

OP posts:
Daisy62 · 13/10/2021 22:12

Nobody's at fault here, it's just people wanting different things. If I were the grandparent I'm be mindful that grandson is nearly an adult, and as a teenager his friends are important - grandparent could consider being flattered that grandson is willing to introduce friend to his grandparent.

Is there any way of reaching a compromise? Is the trip for several days? Does the friend have to come for all of it? Could he come on the train immediately after the meal? Or could the family meal include some kind of activity (bowling, crazy golf?) that all ages could enjoy - might it be easier/more fun to incorporate the friend in something informal like that?

Doggydoodah123 · 13/10/2021 22:12

YABU

Vivi0 · 13/10/2021 22:12

Remember when people used to respect the elderly instead of bowing down to their bratty offspring. They will do the same thing to you one day

Well, thankfully those days are over. Respect goes both ways. No one is automatically entitled to respect on account of their age.

CorvusPurpureus · 13/10/2021 22:13

My parents adore my dc, & don't get to see them much as we live abroad.

Last time we visited, we had the best friend of one of the dc in tow - not planned, but things went awry with her own plans because her parents cocked up their communications/holiday plans so we were bridging a gap for a few days.

My parents thought this was brilliant. They reckon they've never had such an interesting conversation with their dgd!

They didn't have to accommodate the extra kid because, like OP, we were AirBnBing it. She came out to dinner with us & was delightful. DPs thought she was a fabulous friend for their DGD (she is, lovely kid) & enjoyed chatting to them both.

It absolutely changed the dynamic for the better. Dd is paralysingly shy. Having her mate there meant that she was much more happy to bounce ideas & chat confidently, rather than just politely answer direct questions.

If the grandchild is planning on going out on the lash with his mate & skipping 'hanging out with granddad', then no, that's not OK. Nor should the grandfather be paying for any of this.

But a nice polite friend joining a family meal? Sounds great to me. If & when I'm ever a grandmother, I'd definitely want to meet my teenage dgc's friends. Sounds like far more fun than hosting bored awkward teenagers who are obliged to politely attend.

SnackSizeRaisin · 13/10/2021 22:13

Or he wants to have family time with family and not a random friend he doesn't know?

Surely the presence of the friend doesn't stop him seeing the family? I really don't see the problem here. Unless it's a very loud obnoxious friend.

grapewine · 13/10/2021 22:13

This just wouldn't have been acceptable in my family. But then I really liked my grandfather. And still go to see my gran regularly.

Notonthestairs · 13/10/2021 22:13

"And a few years down the road OP and her son will be wondering why he gets no inheritance."

Ah the last leverage of the unpleasant.

There may be a multitude of reasons why grandson & FIL aren't close.

My grandparents loved meeting my friends. But they were quite nosey (which was something we had in common). I liked meeting their friends too.

Tilltheend99 · 13/10/2021 22:14

Yes this it the whole point. If they are travelling all that way ‘to see him’ they should actually see him and not F off with their mates.

FrownedUpon · 13/10/2021 22:15

YABU. Rude to assume your FIL wants a random friend there.

SnackSizeRaisin · 13/10/2021 22:15

Remember when people used to respect the elderly instead of bowing down to their bratty offspring. They will do the same thing to you one day

Or maybe just work on the relationship, be nice and accommodate people, and then they will actually want to visit

anon12345678901 · 13/10/2021 22:16

@SnackSizeRaisin

Or he wants to have family time with family and not a random friend he doesn't know?

Surely the presence of the friend doesn't stop him seeing the family? I really don't see the problem here. Unless it's a very loud obnoxious friend.

Of course he will see them but he won't get quality time spent with his grandson alone. Maybe that's what FIL was looking forward to.
Original poster
yutuko · 13/10/2021 22:19

We'll be going for the week, DS will be at the meal but has said he probably wont be doing other things (like walks etc) as he'll be doing something else with his friend.

DS2 is 8 and BIL will also be visiting and niece is 1, so DS would be the only teenager if friend wasn't coming with us.

OP posts:
DoraMaude · 13/10/2021 22:19

I'm clearly in the minority here. It wouldn't occur to me that the friend wouldn't come along to the family meal. He's your guest. I can't believe anyone would think he should be left out. If FIL doesn't want to pay for him, then fine, but I think that's really inhospitable.

I can't believe people treat others like this.

Username817391920384747 · 13/10/2021 22:19

Pshhhhht YABU.

Bonnytoon · 13/10/2021 22:20

Genuinely surprised by these responses.

I was definitely starting to outgrow forced family fun by this age and I would have dreaded a trip like this. I think FIL trying to force a 16-year-old to do things entirely on his terms is setting up a situation where the kid is not going to want to visit him again. It will ultimately be FIL's loss in the end.

SnackSizeRaisin · 13/10/2021 22:21

Of course he will see them but he won't get quality time spent with his grandson alone. Maybe that's what FIL was looking forward to

Well it seems that the grandson was not wanting the quality time. Anyway the sticking point was the family meal, not one on one "quality time". I am still not getting why the grandson needs to be alone?

DoraMaude · 13/10/2021 22:22

Just checking I've got this right. FIL doesn't want the other boy to come to the meal so you'd go and leave him in the Airbnb on his own? And people think that's ok? Not in my world.

Pedalpushers · 13/10/2021 22:22

Sounds like your FIL is sad that his grandson clearly doesn't want to visit him.

Northofsomewhere · 13/10/2021 22:24

When did you last spend quality time in person with him? With covid it's entirely possible you haven't seen him in 18 months, if this is anywhere near the truth I can see why he's not happy with some strange child tagging along.

Also at 16 refusing to come on a family trip because my friend wasn't coming too just wouldn't have been tolerated. I'd have been called out on the selfish behaviour and made fully aware of how me not going would make my family I was visiting feel. He's 16, he's old enough to understand that him not going would upset his granddad and with technology he can be in contact the entire trip.

I genuinely just don't understand how some people can't see that having it sprung on you last minute that a stranger is coming to visit too and it'll most likely impact your time with the people you thought were coming isn't going to be at least a surprise or even upsetting.

When people haven't been able to see family for so long surely it's expected that when you do visit family time is prioritised not time with a friend they see all the time. And the possibility he'll try and hold you to ransom if his friend can't come.

Rhannion · 13/10/2021 22:25

YANBU at all. Most of my family would make anyone welcome to visit.

Arabelladrinkstea · 13/10/2021 22:26

You seem to have divided AIBU OP!

I’m with you, in that we often have friends and family mixing together. At 16, ds will enjoy the trip so much more with a friend there and FIL sounds like a miserable old git!

I’d say, sorry that doesn’t work for us. However we’re all going for a group meal on that day and you’re welcome to join all of us.

I’ve never understood this weird ‘exclusivity’ club mentality Confused

SnackSizeRaisin · 13/10/2021 22:27

Sounds like your FIL is sad that his grandson clearly doesn't want to visit him.

There's an easy solution..invite and welcome this friend and everyone will be happy! You can't make people want to visit you by controlling everything. And since when are people owed relationships just because they feel sad.

How about if it was the other way round and the teenager refused to see the grandfather if the grandfather's friend was present - would that be ok?

worriedatthemoment · 13/10/2021 22:27

Do some of you commenting have 16 year olds? How can you force a 16 year old
I imagine they are not spending the whole time with fil as staying in an air b and b so ds will have time with friend
My family would have no issues with my ds bringing a mate
my 16 year old doesn't always go on family visits , sometimes he does , sometimes not

KrisAkabusi · 13/10/2021 22:30

@Pedalpushers

Sounds like your FIL is sad that his grandson clearly doesn't want to visit him.
This. He's there for a week and won't do anything with his grandad except go for one family meal, which he won't even do without bringing someone else? And you think this is fine? And so many people think the grandfather is the unreasonable one here?
5foot5 · 13/10/2021 22:32

The presence of the friend in no way detracts from the possibility of spending time with the grandson. It's just one friend, conversation can carry on with them present
Of course it won't be like that! If this 16 yo finds it so hard to be away from his mate, even for a few days, then the reality is likely to be that the teens just keep to themselves and FIL gets to spend little or no time talking to his grandson.

Another one feeling sorry for FIL here. He has suddenly realised that the family visit he has been anticipating will be totally different to expected

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